Mixed Signals or not? - Im so confused

[JayJ34]

Working at a bar and a former colleague started working again as a waiter at the bar. Before she did, she visited the bar a few times on her private time and I got to know her before I even knew she worked a few years earlier here and is going to start again. We got along pretty well.

She started to work and everything was fine, our work flow was great and the few seconds we had here and there to talk and make some jokes had been a lot of fun. I even heard how she told a friend of her that she thinks I am great.

So 2 weeks ago she was working, when her shift ended mine started and she stayed at the bar with a few friends of her. At that day I got a new haircut and cut down my beard before my shift and when I showed up for work she welcomed me with "Hello Mister handsome", she did not stop there and told me like 3 more times afterwards how good it looks. I started working, served her and her friends drinks multiple times and what I noticed was how she looked at me more oftenly. And when we spoke a little she came really close to me, one time she put her ellbow on my shoulder and while we were talking she looked down at lips several times. 

I was thinking, f*ck it, Im gonna ask her out, worst she could say is no and I am old enough to handle this kind of rejection without awkwardness. I ask if she wants to hang out some time and she said yes and gave me her number.

After that she proceeded to ghost me on WhatsApp and Snapchat for a week. I was so confused, because I knew she read the messages. When I saw her at work, she explained it to me and it was fine. 

I texted her again and asked for a day and time, told her when I am available, her response was "let me see when I can meet up", I responded "alright, then just text me when you know better". No response after that.

I saw her today at work, while arriving and giving me a hug she barely looked at me, did not mention anything about meeting up and I noticed how distant she was suddenly. Did not talk to her that much because of it and she even got pissed at me because of a joke. At the bar I work, the staff doesnt have to pay for their drinks on their private time. When she was about to leave she asked me if she has to pay for anything. I shook my head, smiled and said "Ofcourse not". After that she asked for another last beer and I said "Oh I see, now that you dont have to pay, youre getting greedy". She got pissed, drank her beer and left without saying anything. 

Before you jugde the joke, that is what my humor looks like all the time, I made jokes worse than that and she found them funny and it was no problem at all. My undertone was sarcastic as well, it was obviously a joke and she knows it. 

Im just so confused. It all went from getting along well to chaos for no actual reason. I dont get it to be honest. Especially because she was the fun showing so much interest and now she behaves like this. Or am I wrong and the "interest" was just being platonic signs or whatever. It would bother me less if she just said no, but this is just tough to read and frustrating.

It kinda drives me crazy because I feel so attracted to her, I dont know why. But I wont ask again, I deserve better than that and my guess is she actually isnt interested. Otherwise she would be more open and make time to meet up, or would she?

😕

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JayJ34 said:

  I said "Oh I see, now that you dont have to pay, youre getting greedy". She got pissed, drank her beer and left without saying anything.  Or am I wrong and the "interest" was just being platonic signs or whatever. It kinda drives me crazy because I feel so attracted to her, my guess is she actually isnt interested. 

 Trust your instincts. There doesn't seem to be as much rapport or chemistry as you were hoping. 

Unfortunately it seems she doesn't want to directly tell you she's not interested in dating so she seems to be sidestepping it with avoiding the texts and questions.

Perhaps because you're so attracted to her and she is friendly you perceived "signs", even though there's no indication she's interested in hanging out.

The joking didn't kill anything that was never there but it didn't go over too well. Enjoy work but try to be more professional and back off a bit.

 

[smackie9]

I know what is going through her head....she's now thinking the only reason why you have been so nice to her is that you want to get with her. Sad but true. As for her complimenting you and such, I suspect she was just being nice because she has become so comfortable with you and wasn't a come-on. She might have been pumpin your tires to make you feel good or put on a show with her GF's.....maybe too much alcohol. The wires are crossed....she's thinking with a silly young female brain, and you are thinking like a man. She friend zoned you, and now that she knows you really like her, she doesn't know how to handle it. yes things did get awkward. Why accept exchanging numbers and making promises to hang out? Typical chick crap. They don't like confrontation, and are the biggest avoiders to reject people. 

This is why you should never date coworkers period. I lived by that rule, then one day I decided to take the plunge....it turned into a disaster. I say just let it go. You can drop it, act like nothing happened and carry on with things as normally as possible. 

[JayJ34]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I know what is going through her head....she's now thinking the only reason why you have been so nice to her is that you want to get with her. Sad but true. As for her complimenting you and such, I suspect she was just being nice because she has become so comfortable with you and wasn't a come-on. She might have been pumpin your tires to make you feel good or put on a show with her GF's.....maybe too much alcohol. The wires are crossed....she's thinking with a silly young female brain, and you are thinking like a man.

I agree with you, that is the "plan", I will just act as if nothing happened, there is no reason to be genuinely upset, I just find her behaviour weird. 

But why would she think I was only nice to her because I wanted to be with her? I am nice to everyone, as long as people do not disrespect me obviously. How I treated her did not change after I knew she probably does not want to hang out, my humor hasnt changed either. Thats why its so confusing that she suddenly got pissed.

And what do you mean with she "wasnt a come-on". (My english might be letting me down here)

And why would she want to make me feel good if she doesnt want to meet up? 

grrrrr people are so complicated sometimes for no reason, life could be so much easier (not talking about you smackie9)

[smackie9]

15 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

I agree with you, that is the "plan", I will just act as if nothing happened, there is no reason to be genuinely upset, I just find her behaviour weird. 

But why would she think I was only nice to her because I wanted to be with her? I am nice to everyone, as long as people do not disrespect me obviously. How I treated her did not change after I knew she probably does not want to hang out, my humor hasnt changed either. Thats why its so confusing that she suddenly got pissed.

And what do you mean with she "wasnt a come-on". (My english might be letting me down here)

And why would she want to make me feel good if she doesnt want to meet up? 

grrrrr people are so complicated sometimes for no reason, life could be so much easier (not talking about you smackie9)

Well same thing....you thought by her being overly nice she was interested in you, and after she found out you were interested, she assumed all that time you were being nice you had an ulterior motive doing so. It's all about perception. You read her wrong, but to no fault of your own. It doesn't matter if she gave you signals or not...if you like someone you just simply ask them out regardless. Saves a lot of grief doing things that way. 

BTW a come on is the same as hitting on. It's an old skool phrase. 

[catfeeder]

On 4/9/2024 at 9:37 PM, JayJ34 said:

After that she proceeded to ghost me on WhatsApp and Snapchat for a week. I was so confused, because I knew she read the messages. When I saw her at work, she explained it to me and it was fine. 

What was her explanation?

In terms of jokes, it's best to keep humor about making fun of yourself rather than someone else. You never know how sensitive a person is about something you point out.

None of us have more insight into her than you, but in your shoes, I'd just back off. Stay kind, and see if she warms up again. If not, it could be that the whole small workplace thing feels a bit too claustrophobic to her. You don't know how uncomfortable her other coworkers may have made her feel about seeing someone on the job.

[TeeDee]

People in the bar business can be flakey.  After a drink or two she was open to the idea of you.  Then she sobered up & got scared or something.   Let it be lest she complain to management that you are harassing her.   If you both happen to work a shift together & can hang out afterwards you can try that approach but this is not a woman capable of making plans.