ADVICE! Tampon receipt passenger side of boyfriend's car

[Cian_Symbol]

I went away with my bf and found a receipt on the passenger side of the car for tampons.

here are the facts:

-Found a receipt that wasn't mine for a pack of tampons on the passenger side of his car.

-he lives with his parents

-parents both have their own cars, both were home from work.

-the receipt has the last 4 digits of the debit card number. Doesn't match any of his credit cards (and it's a debit)

-last 4 digits don't match the receipts of his parents left in kitchen but didn't have time to check them all.

-mother is right when menopause begins and could still have period. But no tampons in drawers of bathroom.

- the card is a flash debit, so not a credit card. I personally associate that with being young.

-although the place the tampons are from is close to his house, it's definitely not the closest so somewhat of a weird location. It *is* close to where he meets people from work for lunch. There are 4 other closer places they could have gone.

 

So the best scenario is his mom needed to go get tampons from the store, but her car was boxed in by his and my bf offered to drive her. But why go so far? Why didn't she borrow her husbands car? Was she not feeling well? I don't want to accuse someone or give them a chance to lie yet. He would probably say it was his mom, but I'd still try to confirm the code even if he said that and it'd be harder to do. Yes, there are other red flags about him. I could see it being a "you're going to the same location I am, let's just hop in the car together"

 

What's the next step??

My only plan now is to hope there are more receipts from his folks out in the open to see if I can find one with the same debit number. I think I should find at least 2 credit cards used by his parents, maybe three before I have enough reason to confront him. If I find a receipt from them with a debit card that doesn't match the number on the tampon receipt, I'd consider that pretty solid evidence of a female surreptitiously being in his car. But I don't want to actually go snooping much more than I have. It'd just have to be that I sort of look at receipts in the open if I happen to be in the kitchen. I'd assume home depot purchases would be his dad, maybe some female coded clothing receipts his mom, to rule out what they use for their purchases. But I honestly don't know what I'd even say to him. What do you think?

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I went away with my bf and found a receipt on the passenger side of the car for tampon-Found a receipt that wasn't mine for a pack of tampons on the passenger side of his car. he lives with his parents

How long have you been dating? How old is he? How is the rest of the relationship? 

Are there reasons to distrust this much and play detective to this extreme? Have you asked him where it's from? How is your communication level? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

What’s going on with the foundation of your relationship that you can’t just talk to him about it and instead immediately came online to ask strangers and begin investigative work?

[Batya33]

Do you trust him otherwise ? My guess is someone he was with from the office needed to purchase tampons because of an unfortunate “surprise”. I found female period stuff in my then boyfriend - now husband’s- second bathroom. I assumed they were left over from when his ex girlfriend used to stay over. I didn’t confront him. I did mention it because he’d likely want to dispose of them etc. I was sure he had no idea she left them behind and I would have felt exactly the same if I found a receipt in his car or items in other places in his apartment. We’d been dating about 8 months at that time. They’d broken up a month or so before he and I dated. 

[Cian_Symbol]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you trust him otherwise ? My guess is someone he was with from the office needed to purchase tampons because of an unfortunate “surprise”. I found female period stuff in my then boyfriend - now husband’s- second bathroom. I assumed they were left over from when his ex girlfriend used to stay over. I didn’t confront him. I did mention it because he’d likely want to dispose of them etc. I was sure he had no idea she left them behind and I would have felt exactly the same if I found a receipt in his car or items in other places in his apartment. We’d been dating about 8 months at that time. They’d broken up a month or so before he and I dated. 

Thank you for sharing that with me. Unfortunately, it was a holiday.

[boltnrun]

If I feel the need to go to the extreme of checking the receipts of his parents for card numbers the relationship is already doomed.

Do you have good reason to distrust him? If so, why bother to stay in the relationship?

[yogacat]

This could be from anything.

Just say "hey babe, I was going through some receipts and found one for tampons in your car. Is there a reason for that?" Don't accuse him, just ask.

It's obviously weighing on your mind, so might as well ask. 

[Cian_Symbol]

51 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What’s going on with the foundation of your relationship that you can’t just talk to him about it and instead immediately came online to ask strangers and begin investigative work?

A bunch of things that wouldn't make sense to someone unless they experienced it. Some people give off certain vibes and I've never been wrong so I guess I'm overly confident. I apologize for needing to be vague. I've experienced this sort of thing before and it's just not helped by communication especially when the person seems manipulative. It mostly just signals to them to be more careful. 

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? How is the rest of the relationship? 

Are there reasons to distrust this much and play detective to this extreme? Have you asked him where it's from? How is your communication level? 

I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable answering those first two things. But I really appreciate the response. I didn't ask him, I don't think it's a situation where it would be useful except to get gaslit and I do want him and our relationship to be how it appears to be and don't want to ruin it for nothing. But I have consistently been getting bad vibes and I've had excellent radar for this thus far. But I could be very wrong.

[Cian_Symbol]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If I feel the need to go to the extreme of checking the receipts of his parents for card numbers the relationship is already doomed.

Do you have good reason to distrust him? If so, why bother to stay in the relationship?

Good reason is very subjective, so I don't know. I have a lot of difficulty figuring that out. You're totally right.

It's because cheaters can appear like great partners. I shouldn't have gotten in a relationship with someone until I could give them full trust, and if I'm wrong then I guess I'm being a terrible person. I'm also coming at it as if that's the case simultaneously. but I've quite literally never been wrong when I've suspected someone was a certain way and looked into it.

[Cian_Symbol]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

This could be from anything.

Just say "hey babe, I was going through some receipts and found one for tampons in your car. Is there a reason for that?" Don't accuse him, just ask.

It's obviously weighing on your mind, so might as well ask. 

I just don't think this would actually stop my anxiety about it and may even feed my compulsive thoughts about it. I should be able to make myself feel better without burdening him, if it's nothing. I think I should just tuck it away at the back of my mind for now. 

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Good reason is very subjective, so I don't know. I have a lot of difficulty figuring that out. You're totally right.

It's because cheaters can appear like great partners. I shouldn't have gotten in a relationship with someone until I could give them full trust, and if I'm wrong then I guess I'm being a terrible person. I'm also coming at it as if that's the case simultaneously. but I've quite literally never been wrong when I've suspected someone was a certain way and looked into it.

That sounds like an anxiety producing, stressful way to live.

Yeah, I've lived it. My life became exponentially better when I no longer put myself through that. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

.i'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable answering those first two things. But I really appreciate the response. I didn't ask him, I don't think it's a situation where it would be useful except to get gaslit 

It seems like you've been cheated on before and you won't trust him. Unfortunately if you treat everyone as guilty until proven innocent, you may have a rough road ahead in any relationship with this type of paranoia. 

[yogacat]

47 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I just don't think this would actually stop my anxiety about it and may even feed my compulsive thoughts about it. I should be able to make myself feel better without burdening him, if it's nothing. I think I should just tuck it away at the back of my mind for now. 

Probably for the best.

Though, kindly, you went through an awful lot of trouble to find out what the 4 digits were on that debit card only to push away the choice that made them all be spent to "feed compulsive thoughts about it."

Aside from the tampons what reason do you actually have to think something is up?

Honestly you've given very specific and resourceful thought to this 1 particular situation. There's been no mention or inklings of other things so chances are something is weighing heavy on your mind and you're fixating on this thinking it might be the perfect proof of something only you don't know what that is (and maybe it's because in reality you don't like that your SO was in a potentially incriminating situation with another female).

[Batya33]

From all you've written I agree with Bolt and also I think you should stop dating this person including because it's not fair to him to be subject to this level of distrust and you will keep it in mind but not ask him -why you think he'll lie?

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Cian_Symbol said:

 

I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable answering those first two things. 

Really?  What's so personal about "how long have you been dating" and "how old is he"?  

Definitely just stop the misery and end it already.   Where there is no trust, there is no hope, so it's time to let him and his tampon purchases go.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he?  

Are you dating? Do you know him? Or is he someone who gave you a ride in his car and you're trying to figure out if he has a GF?

1 hour ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable answering those first two things. 

 

[Cian_Symbol]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

That sounds like an anxiety producing, stressful way to live.

Yeah, I've lived it. My life became exponentially better when I no longer put myself through that. 

Yeah, I was quite stable before the last few weeks in this relationship. I want the issue of trust to be done, but I'm not sure what to do. I try to repress things but there are constant reminders. Things I perceive as red flags.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you've been cheated on before and you won't trust him. Unfortunately if you treat everyone as guilty until proven innocent, you may have a rough road ahead in any relationship with this type of paranoia. 

Yeah, I have. I've dated 4 cheaters in a row, who all were very elaborate about it. Only 2 cheated on me personally, but they still displayed similar behaviors. All would have people around them who would say they are great people. All had exes who would say these guys were loyal, until I told them. I wouldn't have known if I didn't look into it. It was absolutely a traumatic experience so I guess I want to protect myself from that happening again. I wasn't looking to date initially because of that. I wasn't mistrustful at the start but as the relationship has gone on I've become more mistrustful based on values/behaviors and picking up on white lies. But all that you said is still very true. 

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Probably for the best.

Though, kindly, you went through an awful lot of trouble to find out what the 4 digits were on that debit card only to push away the choice that made them all be spent to "feed compulsive thoughts about it."

Aside from the tampons what reason do you actually have to think something is up?

Honestly you've given very specific and resourceful thought to this 1 particular situation. There's been no mention or inklings of other things so chances are something is weighing heavy on your mind and you're fixating on this thinking it might be the perfect proof of something only you don't know what that is (and maybe it's because in reality you don't like that your SO was in a potentially incriminating situation with another female).

The reasoning is just so complicated. He just seems like the type of guy who casually cheats while acting like everything is fine. It's vague things, like seeming secretive about us being together, how he talks to his male friends, snapchats from the same couple women, little white lies, the look on his face and mannerisms during those lies showing up in other contexts, seeming a bit nervous about certain questions, grooming behaviors before going on trips.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

From all you've written I agree with Bolt and also I think you should stop dating this person including because it's not fair to him to be subject to this level of distrust and you will keep it in mind but not ask him -why you think he'll lie?

I'm pretty sure he would not agree that it was fair to end it over this either. I mean, logically if he was having an affair he would lie. 

 

55 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Really?  What's so personal about "how long have you been dating" and "how old is he"?  

Definitely just stop the misery and end it already.   Where there is no trust, there is no hope, so it's time to let him and his tampon purchases go.

 

It's just too specific to our situation. I'm sorry.  Although I'm not seeking advice on whether to continue the relationship, thank you for the feedback. That's certainly an ethical question I need to contemplate. I originally declined to be serious until I felt I could trust him. But then things changed and I stopped trusting him. 

 

 

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you dating? Do you know him? Or is he someone who gave you a ride in his car and you're trying to figure out if he has a GF?

 

We are in a committed relationship.

[Batya33]

I would exit the relationship.  Then seek counseling and also there are some great books out there that willl help too - maybe a therapist would recommend.  I'm sorry you've been cheated on - do you think you are turned on by unavailable men? No guarantees in any relationship -not just to do with cheating -I mean common sense right - humans mean no guarantees. But you're doing the whole guilty till proven innocent thing and it's not healthy or a good look.  I think the best way to protect yourself is by accessing professionals who can help you get the tools and skills to interact with others in a healthful way, to learn why you are drawn to the people you are drawn to, etc.

No guarantees but you're guaranteeing yourself a host of medical and mental health issues if you continue interacting in a relationship in this way.

[catfeeder]

3 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

He just seems like the type of guy who casually cheats while acting like everything is fine. It's vague things, like seeming secretive about us being together, how he talks to his male friends, snapchats from the same couple women, little white lies, the look on his face and mannerisms during those lies showing up in other contexts, seeming a bit nervous about certain questions, grooming behaviors before going on trips.

Okay, so why not just walk away from him then?

 

4 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I'm pretty sure he would not agree that it was fair to end it over this either. I mean, logically if he was having an affair he would lie. 

Breakups are not a democracy. You don't need to build a case, you don't need to negotiate, you don't require his approval. You can simply say that you're not feeling it anymore and wish him the best.

[Cian_Symbol]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I would exit the relationship.  Then seek counseling and also there are some great books out there that willl help too - maybe a therapist would recommend.  I'm sorry you've been cheated on - do you think you are turned on by unavailable men? No guarantees in any relationship -not just to do with cheating -I mean common sense right - humans mean no guarantees. But you're doing the whole guilty till proven innocent thing and it's not healthy or a good look.  I think the best way to protect yourself is by accessing professionals who can help you get the tools and skills to interact with others in a healthful way, to learn why you are drawn to the people you are drawn to, etc.

No guarantees but you're guaranteeing yourself a host of medical and mental health issues if you continue interacting in a relationship in this way.

I have been in counselling for years, it didn't help me when I was being actively cheated on and it won't prevent an emotional reaction if infidelity occurs again.

None of the men were unavailable. The only thing they had in common was how they regarded women sexually and their self esteem being connected to their desirability. The only other commonality between them was the tactics used to avoid detection.  

"you're doing the whole guilty till proven innocent thing" That's the thing, therapy has taught me that's actually how you should do things. You shouldn't get that close to people until they prove they can be trusted, not the other way around. Regardless, I had previously trusted my current partner. I do not anymore.  There's just no way to fully express all the information. 

But that last sentence is indeed very true. 

[Jaunty]

I'm pretty sure that he is either having an affair, or possibly is a trans-man (M2F) who has not transitioned fully and thus is still menstruating.  

You might want to explore this possibility as you pursue your various investigative avenues.  

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Cian_Symbol said:

 

"you're doing the whole guilty till proven innocent thing" That's the thing, therapy has taught me that's actually how you should do things. You shouldn't get that close to people until they prove they can be trusted, not the other way around.

So why are you in a "committed relationship" with a person you already think is a cheater and a liar?   

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Cian_Symbol said:

My only plan now is to hope there are more receipts from his folks out in the open to see if I can find one with the same debit number. I think I should find at least 2 credit cards used by his parents, maybe three before I have enough reason to confront him. 

If these parents find you snooping around their credit cards, you won't be having to make any decisions - you'll be banned from their house.  Heck.  They might even call the police on ya.

[Cian_Symbol]

 

Just now, Jaunty said:

If these parents find you snooping around their credit cards, you won't be having to make any decisions - you'll be banned from their house.  Heck.  They might even call the police on ya.

To clarify, I wasn't looking at their credit cards or anywhere near their personal belongings. There was a receipt open on the kitchen table. I merely didn't overt my eyes.

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Cian_Symbol said:

 

To clarify, I wasn't looking at their credit cards or anywhere near their personal belongings. There was a receipt open on the kitchen table. I merely didn't overt my eyes.

Your post says you need to find at least two, maybe three CREDIT CARDS used by his parents.  

Sounds pretty shady to me.  They better keep a close eye on you.