ADVICE! Tampon receipt passenger side of boyfriend's car

[Tinydance]

Just now, Cian_Symbol said:

I've heard all this logic before when I was with the guy who literally ruined my life. I feel I've already covered this stuff.

There are men I trust. It isn't a sexism thing but im not surprised youre playing the misandry card based on the other things you said. The women who participated in the affairs I've seen are pretty bad themselves. 

 

Sorry but I'm talking about THIS guy, not all the other people who hurt you or ruined your life. I'm saying you are projecting everything on him. You don't know if he cheated. Maybe he did but you just don't know. You didn't ask him anything about that receipt but you presume him to be a cheater based on your previous experiences, which he wasn't part of. I don't know him at all. I'm simply saying you can't suspect someone of something because of what other people did. You need to have real reasons why you suspect him.

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

He also has zero control over what his friends say or do.

This^^ is true, however and Cian please correct me if I'm wrong but my take was that he makes crude comments/jokes about escorts and strippers directly to YOU.  He also sent directly to YOU an escort card that read "want an escort"?

If so I agree with you.   Knowing your history plus your explicitly telling him that such things severely trigger you (and rightfully so imo), to me him sending this to you is not only disrespectful, it might also be considered abusive knowing it would trigger you.

It's mean and vicious, lacking in empathy and basic human decency and respect for another human being's experiences, let alone his own girlfriend.

48 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

If you date someone who is a war vet, and they tell you fireworks trigger them, if you then set off fireworks in front of them, which is a normal behaviour for most people, you are still betraying their trust. 

This a great analogy imo.  My dad was a war vet (a U.S. Marine), he experienced severe trauma during the war and as such until the day he died, he was not able to watch a war movie, as awesome as many of them are. 

He would become extremely triggered; in fact once I suggested we watch a great war movie together (I forget it may have been The Dear Hunter), my big strong stoic dad, a former U.S. Marine, literally freaked out.

Knowing this, if me or one of my brothers were to intentionally put on a war movie in his presence, that is mentally abusive imo.  Lord, I am tearing up just envisioning this!!

If this were a romantic relationship, it's cause for an immediate DUMP.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Kick him to the curb and keep working on you. This guy isn't good for your mental health. & I am so sorry what you went thru. 😟 

AMEN!!

[Cian_Symbol]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 But she actually said she has sexual humour too? It's just very confusing because she has very specific requirements like "don't mention sex work" but sexual humour seems OK? It's difficult when someone needs to be careful and sensor what they say. He did go on the trip to Vegas because it was a bachelor party. If he goes to Vegas all the time then that would be different.

Dude. If I've been sexuall assaulted that doesn't mean all sex jokes are triggering. It just means the R word is. It's not a huge ask or confusing especially when you specifically say it.

It was sending an escort advertising and saying "want an escort" to a *trafficking victim* who had been cheated on with *with escorts* and said those cards, not even just general escort jokes, but those very cards specifically were triggering. 

It's not a hard thing to predict and seems really obvious that it's a bad idea and it ***ing crushed my sense of safety. Like it baffled me I could not imagine any explanation other than he doesn't care about me or it was done on purpose merely because it doesn't make sense to do. So now the little suspicions I did have are harder to dismiss because "he would never do thst to me because he cares about me" doesn't ring true. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Cian_Symbolplease stop defending your feelings, and just dump the guy..... as @LootieTootie just posted, he's NOT good for you.

Period end of.

[Cian_Symbol]

6 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry but I'm talking about THIS guy, not all the other people who hurt you or ruined your life. I'm saying you are projecting everything on him. You don't know if he cheated. Maybe he did but you just don't know. You didn't ask him anything about that receipt but you presume him to be a cheater based on your previous experiences, which he wasn't part of. I don't know him at all. I'm simply saying you can't suspect someone of something because of what other people did. You need to have real reasons why you suspect him.

I don't know if he is or isn't. I'm talking about my feelings and why they happened.

 

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ is true, however and Cian please correct me if I'm wrong but my take was that he makes crude comments/jokes about escorts and strippers directly to YOU.  He also sent directly to YOU an escort card that read "want an escort"?

If so I agree with you.   Knowing your history plus your explicitly telling him that such things severely trigger you (and rightfully so imo), to me him sending this to you is not only disrespectful, it might also be considered abusive knowing it would trigger you.

It's mean and vicious, lacking in empathy and basic human decency and respect for another human being's experiences, let alone his own girlfriend.

This a great analogy imo.  My dad was a war vet (a U.S. Marine), he experienced severe trauma during the war and as such until the day he died, he was not able to watch a war movie, as awesome as many of them are. 

He would become extremely triggered; in fact once I suggested we watch a great war movie together (I forget it may have been The Dear Hunter), my big strong stoic dad, a former U.S. Marine, literally freaked out.

Knowing this, if me or one of my brothers were to intentionally put on a war movie in his presence, that is mentally abusive imo.  Lord, I am tearing up just envisioning this!!

If this were a romantic relationship, it's cause for an immediate DUMP.

I'm crying. Thank you. I don't know if I will end it.  It depends if he realizes how this impacted me, there's a lot of great things about him, but it takes a lot of the mental burden off of me. 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Dude. If I've been sexuall assaulted that doesn't mean all sex jokes are triggering. It just means the R word is. It's not a huge ask or confusing especially when you specifically say it.

It was sending an escort advertising and saying "want an escort" to a *trafficking victim* who had been cheated on with *with escorts* and said those cards, not even just general escort jokes, but those very cards specifically were triggering. 

It's not a hard thing to predict and seems really obvious that it's a bad idea and it ***ing crushed my sense of safety. Like it baffled me I could not imagine any explanation other than he doesn't care about me or it was done on purpose merely because it doesn't make sense to do. So now the little suspicions I did have are harder to dismiss because "he would never do thst to me because he cares about me" doesn't ring true. 

Yes I understand what you're saying, this can be separate from the fact that he's cheating because maybe he's not cheating. But I don't actually know so obviously I can't say either way if he I or isn't. I think after reading the situation it doesn't seem to me that you're particularly close with him or that he understands you. This isn't actually supposed to be a dig but to me it seems that for some reason you don't feel comfortable to ask him about that receipt. I would feel totally fine to ask and literally just ask:"Just curious why did you buy tampons?" It seems there's some kind of disconnect between the two of you and he just makes you feel uncomfortable in general. You don't feel like you can talk to him, which is really important in a relationship.

[Cian_Symbol]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Yes I understand what you're saying, this can be separate from the fact that he's cheating because maybe he's not cheating. But I don't actually know so obviously I can't say either way if he I or isn't. I think after reading the situation it doesn't seem to me that you're particularly close with him or that he understands you. This isn't actually supposed to be a dig but to me it seems that for some reason you don't feel comfortable to ask him about that receipt. I would feel totally find to ask and literally just ask:"Just curious why did you buy tampons?" It seems there's some kind of disconnect between the two of you and he just makes you feel uncomfortable in general. You don't feel like you can talk to him, which is really important in a relationship.

The escort thing is why. Because I told him so many times it was a triggering thing and I didn't feel listened to. But also I just don't want to embarrass him over nothing. I think people were right to question right away what the relationship was like. 

It is a very important thing. And I don't feel we have it and if we can't figure it out soon I will end it. I'm not afraid of being alone. 

I've told him the vegas thing is when my struggles really began. I dont think he really knows how hard its been. If we need to talk again I'll say what I've learned from thinking it through here. That that triggered something in me that existed before him and that I've been struggling with trust ever since because I felt like I wasn't cared about. It's not his fault we just don't work. 

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

The escort thing is why. Because I told him so many times it was a triggering thing and I didn't feel listened to. But also I just don't want to embarrass him over nothing. I think people were right to question right away what the relationship was like. 

It is a very important thing. And I don't feel we have it and if we can't figure it out soon I will end it. I'm not afraid of being alone. 

I've told him the vegas thing is when my struggles really began. I dont think he really knows how hard its been. If we need to talk again I'll say what I've learned from thinking it through here. That that triggered something in me that existed before him and that I've been struggling with trust ever since because I felt like I wasn't cared about. It's not his fault we just don't work. 

I think it's totally fine to be honest though. Just let him know how you felt when he sent you the escort ad and why you felt that way. I see no problem with asking why he had the receipt for tampons. Just say you accidentally saw it in the car and just curious. I mean if it's meant to be a relationship shouldn't you be able to just ask him that simple question? It's the same as asking why he bought anything.

I think if you're considering to continue the relationship, you need to really be honest and talk everything out. If you don't say anything then he just won't know. If you're thinking to give him another chance then I think you really need to let him have a chance. Like, be clear in what way he upset you so he has opportunity not to do it again. I think sometimes people just genuinely don't know that they were an idiot. I mean, he could be a thick skinned brutish guy. That also could be who he is. I think it's important for you to really think about if you can see a future with him. If he's just not the kind of guy you want then it's not likely to change because he won't change.

[Cian_Symbol]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ is true, however and Cian please correct me if I'm wrong but my take was that he makes crude comments/jokes about escorts and strippers directly to YOU.  He also sent directly to YOU an escort card that read "want an escort"?

If so I agree with you.   Knowing your history plus your explicitly telling him that such things severely trigger you (and rightfully so imo), to me him sending this to you is not only disrespectful, it might also be considered abusive knowing it would trigger you.

It's mean and vicious, lacking in empathy and basic human decency and respect for another human being's experiences, let alone his own girlfriend.

This a great analogy imo.  My dad was a war vet (a U.S. Marine), he experienced severe trauma during the war and as such until the day he died, he was not able to watch a war movie, as awesome as many of them are. 

He would become extremely triggered; in fact once I suggested we watch a great war movie together (I forget it may have been The Dear Hunter), my big strong stoic dad, a former U.S. Marine, literally freaked out.

Knowing this, if me or one of my brothers were to intentionally put on a war movie in his presence, that is mentally abusive imo.  Lord, I am tearing up just envisioning this!!

If this were a romantic relationship, it's cause for an immediate DUMP.

I'm so sorry your dad experienced that. And thank you guys again.

My ex before this guy was told I couldn't date a sex buyer because of my trauma and he lied to me.

He cheated on all his relationships with escorts. 

He would put stuff with prostitution as the topic on the TV when I was over because he thought it was funny. Like, factually found it amusing because he knew he was doing stuff and lying to me and got off on getting away with it and he admitted to it all later. He used to gloat about grtting away with things to his mistress in his relationship before me.

When I'd try to talk to him about it triggering me he would put me down until I'd cry and then physically attack me because "crying is manipulation". 

He then began documenting my trauma episodes after he hit me to blackmail me if I ever went to the police even though I was never violent and I couldn't leave until I got evidence I wasnt just making everything up. Luckily I'm sort of fiendly with his other victims. 

So it's hard to answer like... "why don't you talk"?

Edit: so I do take it a bit personal all this stuff about me being accusatory with this guy because I'm very very careful about how I express myself because in that past I'd literally be thrown. So I both am very afraid of reactions and also would never do anything potentially incriminating like losing my temper. 

[Wiseman2]

If you choose to keep re-traumatizing yourself by being with someone who is untrustworthy, selfish, insensitive and immature you're choosing to damage your mental health and self respect. 

You need to be responsible for your own well-being and physical and mental health. That includes not resorting to paranoia, obsessions and anxiety just to hang on to a guy because once in a while he can be decent.

[Cian_Symbol]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think it's totally fine to be honest though. Just let him know how you felt when he sent you the escort ad and why you felt that way. I see no problem with asking why he had the receipt for tampons. Just say you accidentally saw it in the car and just curious. I mean if it's meant to be a relationship shouldn't you be able to just ask him that simple question? It's the same as asking why he bought anything.

I think if you're considering to continue the relationship, you need to really be honest and talk everything out. If you don't say anything then he just won't know. If you're thinking to give him another chance then I think you really need to let him have a chance. Like, be clear in what way he upset you so he has opportunity not to do it again. I think sometimes people just genuinely don't know that they were an idiot. I mean, he could be a thick skinned brutish guy. That also could be who he is. I think it's important for you to really think about if you can see a future with him. If he's just not the kind of guy you want then it's not likely to change because he won't change.

How honest? Because most days now I'm in a trauma response. Like, if I can't hang out because I'm in the middle of it...how do I honestly say that? I just tell him I'm "not feeling well" and I think he knows what I mean.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Cian_Symbol said:

It was a holiday, he doesn't have a work place. 

Yeah I know all that stuff.

"constantly snooping" I just got into a car and looked down. Then when he paid for a thing I looked forward. I then looked down again on a counter. All that happened in less than 2 days and I overall functioned fine and enjoyed my time and acted normal. What's constant is the anxiety and belief he's messing around and I don't need to do a single second of snooping for that to be my reality.

But you're right it does make it worse to have that specific thing on my mind. Like I said, I'll make a note and forget about that specific thing and see if I can address the anxiety.

Reading through this thread - I have gotten - it is less about this particular event - it's about the violation against your ability to trust someone and them even when they know what triggers your reaction -probably is triggered by the fact that it happened in the context of the past where it's almost like he should know better.

Kindly, if he wants to spend his nights engaging in that behavior and spend his friendship with strip club owners while no women is ever welcomed to join then he can be a single man and free to go pursue someone who finds that behavior acceptable.

I mean seriously it takes a lot to actually get to that place where you are and so of course it will feel especially bad to experience this now. Not to mention, you are also trying to rebuild trust because of the cheating in the past which again doesn't help matters. Lastly, he took little responsibility or none at all in the incident even when it was a horrible experience he was a part of just watching. 

Just plain selfish and insensitive? Yeah it is. But the fact that you have not really mentioned it or made it a huge deal up until now probably going against your own feelings for fear of driving him away doesn't make it a lot nicer to have had him do that?

But please, for your sake, don't continue playing shadow detective - you need to expose yourself to any potential hurt if you truly want progress. 

Otherwise it will eat at you.

[Cian_Symbol]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

If you choose to keep re-traumatizing yourself by being with someone who is untrustworthy, selfish, insensitive and immature you're choosing to damage your mental health and self respect. 

You need to be responsible for your own well-being and physical and mental health. That includes not resorting to paranoia, obsessions and anxiety just to hang on to a guy because once in a while he can be decent.

True. Thank you.

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I'm crying. Thank you. I don't know if I will end it.  It depends if he realizes how this impacted me, there's a lot of great things about him, but it takes a lot of the mental burden off of me. 

1.  He won't ever know how severely this impacts you unless and until you tell him, clearly and succinctly...

2. Can you share some of the great things about him?

I'm wondering if you view his behavior as "familiar" due to your past trauma and as such, strangely "comfortable"?  Could even be on a subconscious level.

I am not judging because what attracts ME to certain men I admit is definitely not healthy and in part based on what I experienced being raised by an abusive mom. 

To my credit however I do leave the relationship because of it; it's a constant struggle within myself.  

Something to consider?  

 

[Tinydance]

24 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

How honest? Because most days now I'm in a trauma response. Like, if I can't hang out because I'm in the middle of it...how do I honestly say that? I just tell him I'm "not feeling well" and I think he knows what I mean.

Well I did Google before how to discuss difficult topics with people and the advice is to make "I" statements. Like, "I felt hurt because XYZ". You can be honest about why it's triggering to you to hear about escorts. It's no different to saying: "I'm scared of spiders". You're talking about your feelings and experiences.

I want to add also I'm sorry if I invalidated your feelings about him sending you the escort ad. I haven't gone through what you've gone through so I can't relate to it personally and probably didn't put myself in your shoes. But the thing is, this guy isn't the ex you are talking about. He's a different person. Does he go to Vegas, bars, etc. a lot? Or did he only go for the bachelor party? I know you mentioned he's going to Japan with a single friend but I wouldn't immediately jump to that he's going to go to strippers and so on. He could just be site seeing. 

The only point I'm trying to make is that he isn't the other people who hurt you. Try to look at him as a separate person. If he's done something bad then by all means you can hold him accountable for it. But if he hasn't cheated or abused you then he's not identical to your ex. 

If you do prefer a guy who wouldn't go to Vegas then that's fair enough. I understand he sent you that insensitive joke. I wouldn't automatically jump to that he actually would use an escort or that he would cheat. 

I'm not sure when he booked that trip to Japan. You're saying you've been together a few months so to be honest he's probably allowed to go on a holiday with a friend. I understand his friends are single but he can't help that. And maybe one day they won't be single. 

Again I literally don't know him so I have no grounds to say if he's a good or bad guy. I'm simply saying try to not see him as your ex because he isn't. He's someone else. And view him as what HE is actually doing, not what your ex did. If he hasn't cheated then that's the reality.

I'm not using a misandersist card. I'm saying this is a person you're dating and you should be viewing him as that person. Also you don't even really know if even his friends got escorts because he sent you an ad. He didn't actually say: "My friends hired escorts". I'm simply saying use facts and not your own assumptions.

[Cian_Symbol]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

1.  He won't ever know how severely this impacts you unless and until you tell him, clearly and succinctly...

2. Can you share some of the great things about him?

I'm wondering if you view his behavior as "familiar" due to your past trauma and as such, strangely "comfortable"?  Could even be on a subconscious level.

I am not judging because what attracts ME to certain men I admit is definitely not healthy and in part based on what I experienced being raised by an abusive mom. 

To my credit however I do leave the relationship because of it; it's a constant struggle within myself.  

Something to consider?  

 

Nah, I don't think it's a pattern. It seems to be the luck of the draw. I just have problems leaving. I feel guilty or have decisions paralysis. 

Well for example when I said I was depressed and couldn't hang out he came and brought me gifts one of which was a thing I said was cute in passing and he went and got me. He then snuggled me all evening ^_^

But the thing is I'm aware of love bombing. There's just something off. He will then just say something I perceive as unkind after doing this nice thing. So i feel bad for being like hey wait a minute. Also, it feels like there's a bit of a competition for who is the better partner...but I don't believe in love bombing so I'm more consistent in my affections.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I did Google before how to discuss difficult topics with people and the advice is to make "I" statements. Like, "I felt hurt because XYZ". You can be honest about why it's triggering to you to hear about escorts. It's no different to saying: "I'm scared of spiders". You're talking about your feelings and experiences.

I want to add also I'm sorry if I invalidated your feelings about him sending you the escort ad. I haven't gone through what you've gone through so I can't relate to it personally and probably didn't put myself in your shoes. But the thing is, this guy isn't the ex you are talking about. He's a different person. Does he go to Vegas, bars, etc. a lot? Or did he only go for the bachelor party? I know you mentioned he's going to Japan with a single friend but I wouldn't immediately jump to that he's going to go to strippers and so on. He could just be site seeing. 

The only point I'm trying to make is that he isn't the other people who hurt you. Try to look at him as a separate person. If he's done something bad then by all means you can hold him accountable for it. But if he hasn't cheated or abused you then he's not identical to your ex. 

If you do prefer a guy who wouldn't go to Vegas then that's fair enough. I understand he sent you that insensitive joke. I wouldn't automatically jump to that he actually would use an escort or that he would cheat. 

I'm not sure when he booked that trip to Japan. You're saying you've been together a few months so to be honest he's probably allowed to go on a holiday with a friend. I understand his friends are single but he can't help that. And maybe one day they won't be single. 

Again I literally don't know him so I have no grounds to say if he's a good or bad guy. I'm simply saying try to not see him as your ex because he isn't. He's someone else. And view him as what HE is actually doing, not what your ex did. If he hasn't cheated then that's the reality.

I'm not using a misandersist card. I'm saying this is a person you're dating and you should be viewing him as that person. Also you don't even really know if even his friends got escorts because he sent you an ad. He didn't actually say: "My friends hired escorts". I'm simply saying use facts and not your own assumptions.

Lol I know he could be doing all those things.

Just like the last guy could be going scootering in the park and not meeting up with a sex worker for a meeting. But what it looked like and could have been wasn't what it was. It was the second part. But that's hindsight.

I just felt it showed I couldn't trust him, with the escort thing, thats all. I think you're looking too into it. 

I know he's not my ex. I'm not sure why you're making a point of that. I'm merely saying you can't just be like "well you don't have evidence, so you shouldn't think your thoughts anymore". It's not that simple. The trauma from the past isn't his fault but that doesn't mean he won't have to navigate it in some capacity order to be with me. 

I personally don't get this. I dated a guy who was cheated on by his former gf and had profound trauma and I never got defensive. I did things to reassure him and avoid triggers without him even asking. If I made a joke of his pain...I probably would be the type of person to do other things to him as well.

I just don't get what your point is. I know those things aren't real and I don't have evidence but the possibility they could be still pops into my head. There's a difference between thoughts and beliefs. I still feel anxious. 

There are personality traits he possesses as a person that make me feel uneasy. They may have still made me feel uneasy even if I hadn't have had some of my other experiences.

 

All the other stuff about going to Vegas a bunch idk why it matters, my ex barely left the house he still found a lot of time to cheat. Idk why you say there's no evidence but say going to vegas a lot is meaningful. He could party in vegas every day. I used to have a ex I felt had a lot of integrity and he used to go out with female friends one on one until 3 am and I never worried. 

 

[Tinydance]

26 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Nah, I don't think it's a pattern. It seems to be the luck of the draw. I just have problems leaving. I feel guilty or have decisions paralysis. 

Well for example when I said I was depressed and couldn't hang out he came and brought me gifts one of which was a thing I said was cute in passing and he went and got me. He then snuggled me all evening ^_^

But the thing is I'm aware of love bombing. There's just something off. He will then just say something I perceive as unkind after doing this nice thing. So i feel bad for being like hey wait a minute. Also, it feels like there's a bit of a competition for who is the better partner...but I don't believe in love bombing so I'm more consistent in my affections.

Lol I know he could be doing all those things.

Just like the last guy could be going scootering in the park and not meeting up with a sex worker for a meeting. But what it looked like and could have been wasn't what it was. It was the second part. But that's hindsight.

I just felt it showed I couldn't trust him, with the escort thing, thats all. I think you're looking too into it. 

I know he's not my ex. I'm not sure why you're making a point of that. I'm merely saying you can't just be like "well you don't have evidence, so you shouldn't think your thoughts anymore". It's not that simple. The trauma from the past isn't his fault but that doesn't mean he won't have to navigate it in some capacity order to be with me. 

I personally don't get this. I dated a guy who was cheated on by his former gf and had profound trauma and I never got defensive. I did things to reassure him and avoid triggers without him even asking. If I made a joke of his pain...I probably would be the type of person to do other things to him as well 

I'm making a point because you keep talking about your ex and then about this guy like they're the same person or something. Just because your ex did those things doesn't mean this guy is too. You can't suspect him every time he does anything like hang out with a single friend. For example my female bestie friend who is married just went on a holiday to a beach resort with a single attractive female friend. Her husband seemed fine with it because I guess he trusts her.

I understand you have trauma and of course he can't just disrespect what you asked him to do. But it's almost like you already didn't even trust him to begin with due to your past experience. So you started looking for evidence and when you found some you're like: "Look I found it and I proved it." This relationship isn't only about you so he doesn't just have to bend over backwards to prove he's not going to hit you and cheat with escorts. Like  most women trust their partner as a baseline. So their partner doesn't have ti constantly keep proving anything.

You keep talking about your trauma like it's this guy's fault and it's fine for you to be suspicious of him. He didn't have anything to do with it so why does he have to pay for it? I know you don't agree with me but it's very clear you are massively projecting onto him.

He doesn't have to keep reassuring you: "Don't worry I really am walking in the park and not sleeping with a prostitute." It's exhausting.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Cian_Symbol said:

 

I'm allowed to want a straight laced guy. I said the type of guy I can't work with before we dated. 

You don't seem to understand how ptsd works.  

I told him a scenario that upset me and a week later did the exact same thing. That is still a betrayal of trust. You have a responsibility not to hurt people you get close to. 

 

You come off as very controlling and entitled.   

There are people reading this who have debilitating PTSD from tragedies.  You bet that they know how it works.

It's up to the individual to take care of themselves and choose partners who will be good for them.   

Your approach of choosing someone who turns you into a paranoid stalker, and expecting him to conform into a different person to suit you and your "traumas" is not  going to work.  

Obviously.  I mean ... look at this ludicrous situation you've created for both of you. 

[Cian_Symbol]

19 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm making a point because you keep talking about your ex and then about this guy like they're the same person or something. Just because your ex did those things doesn't mean this guy is too. You can't suspect him every time he does anything like hang out with a single friend. For example my female bestie friend who is married just went on a holiday to a beach resort with a single attractive female friend. Her husband seemed fine with it because I guess he trusts her.

I understand you have trauma and of course he can't just disrespect what you asked him to do. But it's almost like you already didn't even trust him to begin with due to your past experience. So you started looking for evidence and when you found some you're like: "Look I found it and I proved it." This relationship isn't only about you so he doesn't just have to bend over backwards to prove he's not going to hit you and cheat with escorts. Like  most women trust their partner as a baseline. So their partner doesn't have ti constantly keep proving anything.

You keep talking about your trauma like it's this guy's fault and it's fine for you to be suspicious of him. He didn't have anything to do with it so why does he have to pay for it? I know you don't agree with me but it's very clear you are massively projecting onto him.

He doesn't have to keep reassuring you: "Don't worry I really am walking in the park and not sleeping with a prostitute." It's exhausting.

What's exhausting is having to navigate all the ways what I've said can be convoluted or misinterpreted. Like 90% of this just isn't accurate and isn't occurring in my relationship.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

What's exhausting is having to navigate all the ways what I've said can be convoluted or misinterpreted. Like 90% of this just isn't accurate and isn't occurring in my relationship.

Your communication isn't very good. You expect him to read your mind and know how to "navigate" your traumas but you haven't even told him how! How can he know. And he has no idea you're upset about the tampon receipt because you haven't/don't want to talk to him about it. You have some very deep issues but he's not automatically going to know how to handle it. He needs you to let him know what you need. But he doesn't need to prove himself to you that he's not an abuser. Why should he do that when in a relationship you can just be yourself and not be suspected all the time.

[Cian_Symbol]

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You come off as very controlling and entitled.   

There are people reading this who have debilitating PTSD from tragedies.  You bet that they know how it works.

It's up to the individual to take care of themselves and choose partners who will be good for them.   

Your approach of choosing someone who turns you into a paranoid stalker, and expecting him to conform into a different person to suit you and your "traumas" is not  going to work.  

Obviously.  I mean ... look at this ludicrous situation you've created for both of you. 

Very provocative. You must be proud. I like the word "traumas" in quotes as if they aren't real.

I've heard the whole "controlling" thing before. It's just a mechanisms to invalidate and keep the person from leaving. He's never used the word to describe me so you shouldn't speak on his behalf. 

No, you are expecting me to conform. Not the other way around.

 

 

[Cian_Symbol]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Your communication isn't very good. You expect him to read your mind and know how to "navigate" your traumas but you haven't even told him how! How can he know. And he has no idea you're upset about the tampon receipt because you haven't/don't want to talk to him about it. You have some very deep issues but he's not automatically going to know how to handle it. He needs you to let him know what you need. But he doesn't need to prove himself to you that he's not an abuser. Why should he do that when in a relationship you can just be yourself and not be suspected all the time.

I said the escort cards in vegas upset and triggered me before his trip. He then a week later on his trip sent me a photo of an escort card in vegas. Doesn't get better for communication than that. This is weird. 

 

"The escort cards in vegas trigger me" 

*sends you pictures of escort cards*

*gets triggered* 

"Oh my God how was he supposed to know that would trigger you, your communication just sucks"

 

 

[yogacat]

I think this is beyond our paygrade. I don't discount your own past struggles, but you are almost paralyzed in fear of trusting a person you are going out with.

Now it's rubbing off on you accusing people of trying to sell you out for whatever reason.

You are doing quite the same.

If you express and the guy continues to invalidate then of course it could be one thing. 

But really for now it is you trying to lattice your own inconsistencies against his actions to create a believable argument against him.

Recognize this is not what you need to focus on.

You need to focus on your loyalty and your own attachment...not a fight which as I have said very well may end up fruitless. You may try all these tricks and find nothing and it later lead to a destructive measure of control and surveillance...or you will find something and it really won't mean anything (- you realize after-the-fact.)

Either way is dangerous and you very well are admitting it yourself. 

[Tinydance]

15 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I said the escort cards in vegas upset and triggered me before his trip. He then a week later on his trip sent me a photo of an escort card in vegas. Doesn't get better for communication than that. This is weird. 

 

"The escort cards in vegas trigger me" 

*sends you pictures of escort cards*

*gets triggered* 

"Oh my God how was he supposed to know that would trigger you, your communication just sucks"

 

 

Look I really hope you are recovering in therapy and you find what you are looking for. Although I agree that the way your boyfriend behaved in Vegas was bad and very thoughtless, I get a strong sense you don't even like him to begin with. You speak basically only badly of him and you called the sweet things he supposedly does "love bombing". He doesn't seem to suit you or what you prefer in a partner. You said you have a problem with him having his single friends and suspect they're a bad influence on him. I think in all fairness unless you met them, you don't know how they are. You don't know if they even used escorts or maybe they were just drinking at a casino. Lots and lots of assumptions and projections only based on your past experiences. 

I was actually engaged to someone with severe mental health issues and he was very self focused due to this. He got anxious in crowds and if we happened to be in a crowd, he yelled at me like it was my fault. He was anxious about calling on the phone so he asked me to make all his calls for him. Basically he said I had to "adapt" to the fact that he had mental health struggles and live accordingly to ease them for him. You probably don't see it but I was absolutely exhausted.