ADVICE! Tampon receipt passenger side of boyfriend's car

[Cian_Symbol]

52 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That’s where you have to figure out (a) is there a legitimate reason you’re feeling like this; and I don’t mean through means of investigation, or (b) is there really nothing to be triggering these feelings in you and you’re body is going into overdrive at innocent things that resemble traumatic moments of your past 

 

bottom line is: if your partner refuses to talk to you be transparent that is reason to leave!

Thank you so much.

I think there are legitimate misgivings that warrant caution but not detective work, arguments, abandoning the relationship or panic and that my body is having an inappropriate response to it based on my past. I think I have extreme internal reactions to innocent individual things because the legitimate misgivings trigger hypervigilance I needed in the past to survive. I think there has been some effort to listen to and accommodate me and other expressions of affection that hold merit. I think my body doesn't want to allow me to relax into this "I understand your past, let's see if we can work together on this" stage. 

 

 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Cian_Symbol said:

 Higher confidence is correlated with lower competence.

That's false.  I doubt you'd like to have a surgeon or be in a plane flown by a pilot that was not confident in their abilities.  

Honestly it seems that if you had more confidence, you would not be spending your time like this.   You would be CONFIDENT in your feelings of mistrust and not need to satisfy some kind of self-imposed "burden of proof" before choosing to step away from a relationship that has you in such a state.

As many have said already, it really doesn't matter whether he's innocent or guilty.  Either way this is clearly a toxic situation for you.

[Cian_Symbol]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

That's false.  I doubt you'd like to have a surgeon or be in a plane flown by a pilot that was not confident in their abilities.  

Honestly it seems that if you had more confidence, you would not be spending your time like this.   You would be CONFIDENT in your feelings of mistrust and not need to satisfy some kind of self-imposed "burden of proof" before choosing to step away from a relationship that has you in such a state.

As many have said already, it really doesn't matter whether he's innocent or guilty.  Either way this is clearly a toxic situation for you.

Fair enough

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Thank you so much.

I think there are legitimate misgivings that warrant caution but not detective work, arguments, abandoning the relationship or panic and that my body is having an inappropriate response to it based on my past. I think I have extreme internal reactions to innocent individual things because the legitimate misgivings trigger hypervigilance I needed in the past to survive. I think there has been some effort to listen to and accommodate me and other expressions of affection that hold merit. I think my body doesn't want to allow me to relax into this "I understand your past, let's see if we can work together on this" stage. 

 

 

I just don't understand why when I was trying to say basically the same thing you just said, you got angry at me? Only you are allowed to say it but not anyone else?

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, Cian_Symbol said:

I think there are legitimate misgivings that warrant caution

Like what? Are you willing to disclose a couple of incidences? 

[Cian_Symbol]

6 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I just don't understand why when I was trying to say basically the same thing you just said, you got angry at me? Only you are allowed to say it but not anyone else?

Huh? I'm not even a little angry, I'm answering the questions and agreeing with you.

[NighttimeNightmare]

34 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

5 hours ago, Cian_Symbol said:

 Higher confidence is correlated with lower competence.

That's false

 

She’s probably referencing the dunning-Kruger cognitive bias 

[Jaunty]

Honestly I would tread carefully into having "good reasons" that can be used to rationalize poor (or even psycho) behavior.

Yes, the reasons are valid and worthy of being probed and understood.

Still, there is really no justification for treating someone with whom one has CHOSEN to engage in an intimate relationship as a criminal.   That is poor behavior, and if you can't control your insecurities and suspicions that come from your past, there is still no reason that another person - especially one you are in a romantic union with - needs to be subjected to that.  

IMO you should not be spending pages justifying your own wrongdoing, regardless of "why."

 

 

[Cian_Symbol]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I just don't understand why when I was trying to say basically the same thing you just said, you got angry at me? Only you are allowed to say it but not anyone else?

Oh sorry confused, you said a bunch of other stuff like that I was accusing him and I probably tried to correct that. You kept stating stuff as if I didnt know it even though I expressed to already thinking that way. I've never been angry here

 I'm sorry, I can't go back to what you said or do an analysis at this time can we just move past it.

[Tinydance]

I'll just make these last comments. I agree with you that your partner needs to be sensitive to your needs just in the sense that they are mindful. Let's say I'm scared of spiders and a documentary comes on about spiders and my partner keeps watching it on front of me. They should probably turn it off and not continue to watch.

So I see what you were saying that he sent you the ad about escorts. But you said yourself just now that you have past traumas that make you overreact to small things. In that sense your partner doesn't need to keep "accommodating" (your phrase) you to always fall in line so things they do don't trigger you. For example if he was invited to a good friend's trip to Vegas for the bachelor party, that's not just him going out alone but it's for the special occasion. He doesn't have to always reassure you: "Don't worry darling, I'm not going to sleep with hookers there." And if his friends are single then he doesn't need to be like: "Don't worry, they're single but they're not a bad influence on me."

You already had beliefs about him/men it seems like and it's not his job to keep proving himself and disproving these beliefs. For example, you said you were sick and he came over, gave presents and snuggled you all night. But you just said it's love bombing. Doesn't seem to me that in your eyes he can do anything right in any case. He doesn't have to be like: "Oh I wasn't love bombing, I genuinely want to take care of you." This is so tiring to keep doing this and I got exhausted even just having these conversations with you again and again.

I don't discount your traumas at all or what you've been through. But this guy wasn't part of it and you're placing it all on him. Doesn't seem he had a chance to begin with because you're looking for proof that he's an untrustworthy person, cheater and liar. 

You can't keep playing your trauma card because your boyfriend isn't your therapist. The way you've been talking is that he owes it to you to make sure you are comfortable and don't feel/think he's cheating or doing something wrong just by existing. This is not his job. A relationship with someone like this would be very high maintenance.

And you got angry at me for saying exactly the same things you said yourself. You say he's defensive bit you are defensive and disagreeable to the 100th degree.

[Cian_Symbol]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Honestly I would tread carefully into having "good reasons" that can be used to rationalize poor (or even psycho) behavior.

Yes, the reasons are valid and worthy of being probed and understood.

Still, there is really no justification for treating someone with whom one has CHOSEN to engage in an intimate relationship as a criminal.   That is poor behavior, and if you can't control your insecurities and suspicions that come from your past, there is still no reason that another person - especially one you are in a romantic union with - needs to be subjected to that.  

IMO you should not be spending pages justifying your own wrongdoing, regardless of "why."

 

 

Where have I treated someone as a criminal? 

I have expressed understanding all thst already. 

Psycho is pretty pejorative. 

I've not justified anything. 

I think you're sensing I'm a people pleaser and trying to provoke shame within me for some reason. I literally responded to your last message with "fair enough" but somehow that wasn't satisfactory. 

 

I've also asked you if "what I have done" is grounds to end it in itself and you are still harping on it.

[Cian_Symbol]

10 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Like what? Are you willing to disclose a couple of incidences? 

I did above but I'm sorry, I think at this point it's doing more harm than good to participate. I think I've gathered all I can and I thank you. 

[Cian_Symbol]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Honestly I would tread carefully into having "good reasons" that can be used to rationalize poor (or even psycho) behavior.

Yes, the reasons are valid and worthy of being probed and understood.

Still, there is really no justification for treating someone with whom one has CHOSEN to engage in an intimate relationship as a criminal.   That is poor behavior, and if you can't control your insecurities and suspicions that come from your past, there is still no reason that another person - especially one you are in a romantic union with - needs to be subjected to that.  

IMO you should not be spending pages justifying your own wrongdoing, regardless of "why."

 

 

You are confusing *feelings* with behaviors. I have good reasons for feelings but not for behaviors. I already said the very concept of "good reasons" is suspect and that was also me apparently being wrong.

 

Maybe you should define the parameters of what you want me to say here. 

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Where have I treated someone as a criminal? 

You've gone on at length about how "guilty until proven innocent" is the way to go - according to your therapists.   

8 minutes ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Psycho is pretty pejorative. 

I was not referring to you.  Many "psycho" deeds in fiction and reality - like the bunny boiling incident in "Fatal Attraction" - were "triggered" by something real, like cheating.  

 

[Cian_Symbol]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'll just make these last comments. I agree with you that your partner needs to be sensitive to your needs just in the sense that they are mindful. Let's say I'm scared of spiders and a documentary comes on about spiders and my partner keeps watching it on front of me. They should probably turn it off and not continue to watch.

So I see what you were saying that he sent you the ad about escorts. But you said yourself just now that you have past traumas that make you overreact to small things. In that sense your partner doesn't need to keep "accommodating" (your phrase) you to always fall in line so things they do don't trigger you. For example if he was invited to a good friend's trip to Vegas for the bachelor party, that's not just him going out alone but it's for the special occasion. He doesn't have to always reassure you: "Don't worry darling, I'm not going to sleep with hookers there." And if his friends are single then he doesn't need to be like: "Don't worry, they're single but they're not a bad influence on me."

You already had beliefs about him/men it seems like and it's not his job to keep proving himself and disproving these beliefs. For example, you said you were sick and he came over, gave presents and snuggled you all night. But you just said it's love bombing. Doesn't seem to me that in your eyes he can do anything right in any case. He doesn't have to be like: "Oh I wasn't love bombing, I genuinely want to take care of you." This is so tiring to keep doing this and I got exhausted even just having these conversations with you again and again.

I don't discount your traumas at all or what you've been through. But this guy wasn't part of it and you're placing it all on him. Doesn't seem he had a chance to begin with because you're looking for proof that he's an untrustworthy person, cheater and liar. 

You can't keep playing your trauma card because your boyfriend isn't your therapist. The way you've been talking is that he owes it to you to make sure you are comfortable and don't feel/think he's cheating or doing something wrong just by existing. This is not his job. A relationship with someone like this would be very high maintenance.

And you got angry at me for saying exactly the same things you said yourself. You say he's defensive bit you are defensive and disagreeable to the 100th degree.

I have done nothing you are saying. I have not done any communication about what I've experienced with him except the escort card and saying I struggle with trust in general. I have never approached him or challenged him on anything. I have never asked him where he was, who someone is. It is a mostly *internal* thing. The receipts are the only physical actions I have taken. I already agree with everything you're saying not to do and that is why I have not done it.

 

If a stranger you are trying to "read" tells you your assumptions about them are incorrect, it's polite to listen to them. Clarifying for you so we can have a mutual understanding isn't being angry or disagreeable in itself. Why would I just agree with your assessment of my life that's not a reasonable ask.

Edit: dude I overreact *internally*. His accommodation is just not bringing up prostitution to avoid triggering my ptsd. He hasnt been asked to do anything regarding cheating. Just please don't bring up prostitution. He has never been asked to say "don't worry, blah blah blah". That's just not happening. 

 

We have never talked about "love bombing" but yes if I had said that to him that would be ***ty. But I didn't. I said he was wonderful and expressed gratitude.

 

I am very aware that dating me is difficult. I was single and not looking. He was informed of everything and he had full consent. What you don't understand between what I said, and what you said, is that I'm talking about my emotions but you're talking about behaviours, saying that he has to be telling me where he's going etc. When it's a thing I mostly suffer with alone and do not express to him.

[Cian_Symbol]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

You've gone on at length about how "guilty until proven innocent" is the way to go - according to your therapists.   

I was not referring to you.  Many "psycho" deeds in fiction and reality - like the bunny boiling incident in "Fatal Attraction" - were "triggered" by something real, like cheating.  

 

Lol not allowing people you barely know into your life until you trust them is not the same as treating them as criminals. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Cian_Symbol said:

Lol not allowing people you barely know into your life until you trust them is not the same as treating them as criminals. 

You are quite argumentative. Seems like you'll say anything, including completely contradicting yourself, to be contrary.   My daughter was like this. When she was two.

 This unfortunate guy IS in your life already.  

So, Citizen Detective,  maybe next time you meet someone you find attractive, try to practice learning whether a person is worthy of your trust BEFORE getting into a "committed relationship" with them.

You could avoid this whackadoodle behavior completely. Though you'd miss out on all the fun of  memorizing their PIN and credit card numbers, their mom and dad's credit card numbers, the parking organization of their mom and dad's cars, the likelihood of menopause of their mom, etc.  

Lol.

 

[Cian_Symbol]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You are quite argumentative. Seems like you'll say anything, including completely contradicting yourself, to be contrary.   My daughter was like this. When she was two.

 This unfortunate guy IS in your life already.  

So, Citizen Detective,  maybe next time you meet someone you find attractive, try to practice learning whether a person is worthy of your trust BEFORE getting into a "committed relationship" with them.

You could avoid this whackadoodle behavior completely. Though you'd miss out on all the fun of  memorizing their PIN and credit card numbers, their mom and dad's credit card numbers, the parking organization of their mom and dad's cars, the likelihood of menopause of their mom, etc.  

Lol.

 

When people make false claims about me, I will correct it. You should practice having the grace and humility to be curious. Also, very theatrical. Yes, I know my partner's parents ages. I looked at 2 4 digit numbers in the open. And I already apologized for doing what I actually did and said it was problematic but it mostly hurts me. You're upset because I won't cop to these ludicrous accusations and self flagellate for you. 

I did what I could. You don't know me. If he is so unfortunate, he will leave.

[kamurj]

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