Cian_Symbol

When people make false claims about me, I will correct it. You should practice having the grace and humility to be curious. Also, very theatrical. Yes, I know my partner's parents ages. I looked at 2 4 digit numbers in the open. And I already apologized for doing what I actually did and said it was problematic but it mostly hurts me. You're upset because I won't cop to these ludicrous accusations and self flagellate for you. I did what I could. You don't know me. If he is so unfortunate, he will leave.

Lol not allowing people you barely know into your life until you trust them is not the same as treating them as criminals.

I have done nothing you are saying. I have not done any communication about what I've experienced with him except the escort card and saying I struggle with trust in general. I have never approached him or challenged him on anything. I have never asked him where he was, who someone is. It is a mostly *internal* thing. The receipts are the only physical actions I have taken. I already agree with everything you're saying not to do and that is why I have not done it. If a stranger you are trying to "read" tells you your assumptions about them are incorrect, it's polite to listen to them. Clarifying for you so we can have a mutual understanding isn't being angry or disagreeable in itself. Why would I just agree with your assessment of my life that's not a reasonable ask. Edit: dude I overreact *internally*. His accommodation is just not bringing up prostitution to avoid triggering my ptsd. He hasnt been asked to do anything regarding cheating. Just please don't bring up prostitution. He has never been asked to say "don't worry, blah blah blah". That's just not happening. We have never talked about "love bombing" but yes if I had said that to him that would be ***ty. But I didn't. I said he was wonderful and expressed gratitude. I am very aware that dating me is difficult. I was single and not looking. He was informed of everything and he had full consent. What you don't understand between what I said, and what you said, is that I'm talking about my emotions but you're talking about behaviours, saying that he has to be telling me where he's going etc. When it's a thing I mostly suffer with alone and do not express to him.

You are confusing *feelings* with behaviors. I have good reasons for feelings but not for behaviors. I already said the very concept of "good reasons" is suspect and that was also me apparently being wrong. Maybe you should define the parameters of what you want me to say here.

I did above but I'm sorry, I think at this point it's doing more harm than good to participate. I think I've gathered all I can and I thank you.

Where have I treated someone as a criminal? I have expressed understanding all thst already. Psycho is pretty pejorative. I've not justified anything. I think you're sensing I'm a people pleaser and trying to provoke shame within me for some reason. I literally responded to your last message with "fair enough" but somehow that wasn't satisfactory. I've also asked you if "what I have done" is grounds to end it in itself and you are still harping on it.

Oh sorry confused, you said a bunch of other stuff like that I was accusing him and I probably tried to correct that. You kept stating stuff as if I didnt know it even though I expressed to already thinking that way. I've never been angry here I'm sorry, I can't go back to what you said or do an analysis at this time can we just move past it.

Huh? I'm not even a little angry, I'm answering the questions and agreeing with you.

Fair enough

Thank you so much. I think there are legitimate misgivings that warrant caution but not detective work, arguments, abandoning the relationship or panic and that my body is having an inappropriate response to it based on my past. I think I have extreme internal reactions to innocent individual things because the legitimate misgivings trigger hypervigilance I needed in the past to survive. I think there has been some effort to listen to and accommodate me and other expressions of affection that hold merit. I think my body doesn't want to allow me to relax into this "I understand your past, let's see if we can work together on this" stage.

Yeah that's why I said screw it. I mean it's simple. I had an intent to be careful, I thought more info was desired/would be helpful, then changed my mind but forgot about the how long have you been dating question. At this point I just don't want to drag it on for you guys. It's been under 8 months for the relationship. Should I have stuck to my original intent and not shared that? Crap. I kinda regret talking about this at all here thee details about who I am are pretty specific. 😕

I don't think that's accurate based on my other responses. I've conceded and agreed to do things based on other comments. I overexplain as an anxiety thing but again I understand why you have that perception. I see us as having all been circling around but I'm fine with me doing it more. If that's how you feel and it's bothering you, let's bring it to a close 🙂 I've made a couple comments many pages back trying to bring it to a conclusion so that's fine.

I did tell him a bit ago that I saw signs we had incompatible values and potential conflict seemed in our future and he agreed we should end things. But I caved and said I'd still like to get to know him better but we need to slow down, which he also agreed with. We quickly fell back into the same dynamic though and I feel like he was largely the one initiating that. 🙂 yes my eagerness about the receipt may be caused by my desire for relief/to escape a vulnerable position. Because, based on what my partner has expressed he values, I feel my value to him is primarily that I am an object of enjoyment and entertainment and there's a threshold where I go from "fun object" to "nuisance" and that my neediness about things like sensitivity and what not clash with his value that "political correctness" as he defines it is fundamentally bad and spoiling the fun. How you wrote it here was how it was written to him. I asked what he remembered us talking about, and he confirmed he did. I then said I don't know what more I could have done because I thought I effectively communicated. I even said I don't know if it's even reasonable for me to expect him to navigate my sensitivities. He has said he would avoid triggers and he seems to be doing so...but again he was already asked to not do that before this event. I am uneasy because I do not know how long it will last. And the episode it triggered is not over and has significantly impacted my life. So maybe I need to decide if I want to just give him an opportunity to "mess up" like that again and how likely it is to happen...I already know the answer to that 😕 I kinda wish he and I could just be more casual again. I can take a little tension every week but not every day. But I know he wants a serious thing where we move in together. The thought of not being able to be alone when he triggers me too is so stressful. Yeah, I can't even give him what *he* wants.

🙂 it makes my heart sing to hear stories like that. I guess sometimes you gotta make an executive decision to trick your future self into not doing something coocoo lol that's a pretty big decision to make. I don't think I'll ever forget how eventually with my abuser I found happiness and comfort alone. So I still know if things don't work out, I'll be ok. The pain won't last forever. Maybe that's why I have such a strong urge to leave.

Yeah I think it was having a few betrayals in a row. I developed a chronic physical disability in my 20s so I lost a lot of connections then. I dont have a work place with coworkers. The ways I have access to make friends leads to more toxic choices and I'd rather be alone than have a lot of these people around me, I just dont have patience. I was doing well before this relationship and was going out a lot to groups and meeting people but now I have constant anxiety and struggle to enjoy most things. I am profoundly unhappy. Socializing is extremely difficult physically and mentally. When I get triggered like the vegas thing I'm not capable of holding a conversation.

You seem very confident in your grasp of things most people spend their entire lives trying to understand. Higher confidence is correlated with lower competence. Did you think the way you're articulating yourself may be why I've had a certain reaction to your contributions in contrast to some other posters? I haven't been argumentative, I just over intellectualize. It's how I process ideas before they become internalized. You may be threatened by dialogue. Musing about something said by someone isn't the same as rejecting it, although I understand how one could feel that way. I've stood up for myself when warranted here and there. The rest I see from everyone is well intentioned, thoughtful discussion. Since I've actually mentioned or given clues to my age here a few times, you aren't reading my posts enough to make an assessment of my personality or you are aware I'm not a teen and are using that as an insult. I'm not going to be agreeable when someone uses those types of tactics.

Oh boy yeah that's a big flag for sure. I've learned a lot of the time it's about how our partner makes us feel about ourselves and we're attached to this idea of superior status by our association with them. Maybe I need to reflect on what concepts I'm currently attached to. I did really trust him and had good vibes, that's why I wanted to be his gf in the first place so it's confusing. I wanted to be able to be a good gf to him too. So I'm embarrassed by my thoughts. I have had relationships like that in the past too where trust was so easy...but my self esteem was way higher, I had a busy lifestyle, lots of friends, felt more attractive...i dont know how id have perceived those people now. it's hard for me to know what percentage is me projecting trauma. A couple people here said that's entirely what's going on...I don't think that's true but it's got to be at least part of the equation.

I hear you and agree 1000%. unless I can get there with him soon, I'll end it.

Oh, OK yeah I think I understand the logic now. It's just that my current bf seemed really different and more like the guys I used to date who didn't cheat and then his behaviour changed so idk what I could be seeing to pick. What's going on with my body and the situation you're observing is definitely a pattern. I get emotionally trapped in relationships and my body tells me I need to pay attention and get out. It's similar to relationship ocd and because things were so bad in the past and I couldn't leave it's a lot stronger now. But you would be casually told about the party in the process of your daily conversation, not told there's a party after you ask about a text. The not mentioning a party part is more suspicious to me than the text itself because that signifies a sort of avoidant attachment style. But sure, I get your point. Funny enough the biggest red flag about the bad ex for me was his car got broken into and he didn't tell me. Later his therapist said he doesn't attach to people. My point in responding to you has just been that "this isn't sufficient evidence" doesn't actually make the anxiety or general feeling that something isn't right go away. It makes the other person unaware you have these feelings but it doesn't help me. I will ask him about the receipt when it feels like a good time but right now my body would prob still tell me he's lying in his response so right now im reassessing all of my past assumptions of things that have occured. People are making decisions based on their perception of risk and sure one trait a person has doesn't mean they do something else but it's human nature. You assess risk based on a series of associated behaviour. Like, in terms of dating, I dont think I'm anywhere near as picky or discerning or rather I don't just stop seeing the person. Which is bad. Lots of people will stop dating someone because they got an ick because they associate it with someone else. But because i dismiss it as "not evidentiary" I keep seeing them. It's just your "best guess" of who someone is based on what you know. But I get your point. Thank you for sharing your story and how healthy relationships are supposed to function. I mean, I do these things for my partner and I think it's the right thing to do, but sometimes I feel like I'm asking too much. But I really made it so easy to figure out and do this time. Yeah...I really need to think if we even work.

Yeah, good point. I do think a couple people here are over pathologizing me though. A few commenters aren't very sensitive in their approaches. Don't worry, staying and doing surveillance for a meaningful amount of time isn't going to happen. I'm never doing that again. Thats why i said i didnt want to enmesh lives without full unconditional trust. I thought the receipt thing might have been legitimate. Folks don't seem to think so so that's the end of that.

Again those are feelings that I said could be distorted thinking and not actual beliefs and don't affect my actual behaviours toward my partner. Please dont turn my private thoughts into actions. I'm very aware of all that. Yeah I don't think this is analogous to your situation although I sympathize with what you went through. I had a partner like that a long time ago as well but I don't communicate like that. I do think you may be perceiving what I've said through your own lense. Yelling is never an effective way of communicating and I've never yelled at him.

I said the escort cards in vegas upset and triggered me before his trip. He then a week later on his trip sent me a photo of an escort card in vegas. Doesn't get better for communication than that. This is weird. "The escort cards in vegas trigger me" *sends you pictures of escort cards* *gets triggered* "Oh my God how was he supposed to know that would trigger you, your communication just sucks"

Very provocative. You must be proud. I like the word "traumas" in quotes as if they aren't real. I've heard the whole "controlling" thing before. It's just a mechanisms to invalidate and keep the person from leaving. He's never used the word to describe me so you shouldn't speak on his behalf. No, you are expecting me to conform. Not the other way around.

What's exhausting is having to navigate all the ways what I've said can be convoluted or misinterpreted. Like 90% of this just isn't accurate and isn't occurring in my relationship.

Nah, I don't think it's a pattern. It seems to be the luck of the draw. I just have problems leaving. I feel guilty or have decisions paralysis. Well for example when I said I was depressed and couldn't hang out he came and brought me gifts one of which was a thing I said was cute in passing and he went and got me. He then snuggled me all evening ^_^ But the thing is I'm aware of love bombing. There's just something off. He will then just say something I perceive as unkind after doing this nice thing. So i feel bad for being like hey wait a minute. Also, it feels like there's a bit of a competition for who is the better partner...but I don't believe in love bombing so I'm more consistent in my affections. Lol I know he could be doing all those things. Just like the last guy could be going scootering in the park and not meeting up with a sex worker for a meeting. But what it looked like and could have been wasn't what it was. It was the second part. But that's hindsight. I just felt it showed I couldn't trust him, with the escort thing, thats all. I think you're looking too into it. I know he's not my ex. I'm not sure why you're making a point of that. I'm merely saying you can't just be like "well you don't have evidence, so you shouldn't think your thoughts anymore". It's not that simple. The trauma from the past isn't his fault but that doesn't mean he won't have to navigate it in some capacity order to be with me. I personally don't get this. I dated a guy who was cheated on by his former gf and had profound trauma and I never got defensive. I did things to reassure him and avoid triggers without him even asking. If I made a joke of his pain...I probably would be the type of person to do other things to him as well. I just don't get what your point is. I know those things aren't real and I don't have evidence but the possibility they could be still pops into my head. There's a difference between thoughts and beliefs. I still feel anxious. There are personality traits he possesses as a person that make me feel uneasy. They may have still made me feel uneasy even if I hadn't have had some of my other experiences. All the other stuff about going to Vegas a bunch idk why it matters, my ex barely left the house he still found a lot of time to cheat. Idk why you say there's no evidence but say going to vegas a lot is meaningful. He could party in vegas every day. I used to have a ex I felt had a lot of integrity and he used to go out with female friends one on one until 3 am and I never worried.