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True. Thank you.

How honest? Because most days now I'm in a trauma response. Like, if I can't hang out because I'm in the middle of it...how do I honestly say that? I just tell him I'm "not feeling well" and I think he knows what I mean.

I'm so sorry your dad experienced that. And thank you guys again. My ex before this guy was told I couldn't date a sex buyer because of my trauma and he lied to me. He cheated on all his relationships with escorts. He would put stuff with prostitution as the topic on the TV when I was over because he thought it was funny. Like, factually found it amusing because he knew he was doing stuff and lying to me and got off on getting away with it and he admitted to it all later. He used to gloat about grtting away with things to his mistress in his relationship before me. When I'd try to talk to him about it triggering me he would put me down until I'd cry and then physically attack me because "crying is manipulation". He then began documenting my trauma episodes after he hit me to blackmail me if I ever went to the police even though I was never violent and I couldn't leave until I got evidence I wasnt just making everything up. Luckily I'm sort of fiendly with his other victims. So it's hard to answer like... "why don't you talk"? Edit: so I do take it a bit personal all this stuff about me being accusatory with this guy because I'm very very careful about how I express myself because in that past I'd literally be thrown. So I both am very afraid of reactions and also would never do anything potentially incriminating like losing my temper.

The escort thing is why. Because I told him so many times it was a triggering thing and I didn't feel listened to. But also I just don't want to embarrass him over nothing. I think people were right to question right away what the relationship was like. It is a very important thing. And I don't feel we have it and if we can't figure it out soon I will end it. I'm not afraid of being alone. I've told him the vegas thing is when my struggles really began. I dont think he really knows how hard its been. If we need to talk again I'll say what I've learned from thinking it through here. That that triggered something in me that existed before him and that I've been struggling with trust ever since because I felt like I wasn't cared about. It's not his fault we just don't work.

I don't know if he is or isn't. I'm talking about my feelings and why they happened. I'm crying. Thank you. I don't know if I will end it. It depends if he realizes how this impacted me, there's a lot of great things about him, but it takes a lot of the mental burden off of me.

Dude. If I've been sexuall assaulted that doesn't mean all sex jokes are triggering. It just means the R word is. It's not a huge ask or confusing especially when you specifically say it. It was sending an escort advertising and saying "want an escort" to a *trafficking victim* who had been cheated on with *with escorts* and said those cards, not even just general escort jokes, but those very cards specifically were triggering. It's not a hard thing to predict and seems really obvious that it's a bad idea and it ***ing crushed my sense of safety. Like it baffled me I could not imagine any explanation other than he doesn't care about me or it was done on purpose merely because it doesn't make sense to do. So now the little suspicions I did have are harder to dismiss because "he would never do thst to me because he cares about me" doesn't ring true.

I've heard all this logic before when I was with the guy who literally ruined my life. I feel I've already covered this stuff. There are men I trust. It isn't a sexism thing but im not surprised youre playing the misandry card based on the other things you said. The women who participated in the affairs I've seen are pretty bad themselves.

Probably because I care too much about what people like tinydance say.

Omg lol Yes it does go both ways. When I met him I was in therapy 3 times a week paying out of pocket. When I was being actively beaten I was in daily therapy because I chose to be for my "paranoia" and they told me I wasn't crazy, and that I was being abused lol I have done way too much "taking responsibility". All I have ever asked of him was to not bring up prostitution in an insensitive manner. I'm being very vulnerable in sharing that with you guys too. I didn't go through his car. It was under my feet when I was going on a road trip. His parents had a pile of receipts on the counter. Idk why. I glanced at one. I do not remember his credit card number. I remembered 4 digits of the one on the receipt I suspect no one who said I was accusatory is going to say anything about literally being called a liar. But it's OK, it's fine.

Yes, I am also very sexual in my humour. Idk why you're bringing porn up at all because sure I didn't. You are exaggerating my behaviours. I specifically told him about *those* escort cards in vegas. I told him my dentist brought those cards up and was joking about it and it upset me. Then a few weeks later he does the exact same thing. It was so specific so this idea that my requirements are these wide ranging nets I cast over everything he does is false. And it doesn't matter whether what he did was "wrong" it matters how it made me feel in terms of my trust in general. I have said I am in therapy, and I have begun to take medication. I haven't actually said he does anything "wrong" once except for maybe the vegas thing. Just that he possesses traits that cause me, with my speific history, to feel unsafe. And as others have said, it's just a compatibility issue and no one is to blame...including me. What a silly thing to argue about. Agree to disagree. I think if you get close to someone who has been hurt by prostitution, cheating, whatever it is, you shouldn't make jokes about those things to them directly. They are *trusting* you to not take advantage of your close proximity to them emotionally in a way that sets them back in recovery. He knew I was actively in recovery and vulnerable. It doesn't matter though I feel how I feel and I felt I had placed trust in him to be sensitive during that trip, which I asked for, and he let me down. Again, as a trauma specialist, if i love a person with ptsd from combat, and they say specifically that setting off fireworks triggers an episode, if I care about them I won't set off fireworks around them like a week later. If that person then starts to mistrust you in general partially because of that AND because of their heightened trauma induced response, that is perfectly understandable. But the person who set off the fireworks is still responsible for their own behaviour as well. They could have also gone and set off fireworks somewhere else. Edit: and I *have* caught him in white lies. I didnt point them out so he's not "walking on eggshells" but they happened. But that's not a huge deal in itself it just another trait of his that causes me to feel unsafe.

Uh...he definitely augmented his behaviour and admitted to doing that. I'm allowed to want a straight laced guy. I said the type of guy I can't work with before we dated. You don't seem to understand how ptsd works. I told him a scenario that upset me and a week later did the exact same thing. That is still a betrayal of trust. You have a responsibility not to hurt people you get close to. If you date someone who is a war vet, and they tell you fireworks trigger them, if you then set off fireworks in front of them, which is a normal behaviour for most people, you are still betraying their trust. There's nothing herently wrong with lighting fireworks.

That's what this thread is part of the process of doing. He said a few weeks ago he would try harder so I decided to give it a chance. But I am worried it's a mask and he may be a cheater. They are allowed to be however they want but I am also allowed to not date them. I'm not going to justify why sexual content isn't the same as sex industry glorification. I expected when I told him explicitly my beliefs that he, knowing himself, would decline to be involved or would be authentic in his behaviours so I could make an informed decision about if we were compatible and not wear a mask for months and then actively do things to trigger me when he knew they would and were. It may be hard for you to understand but yes any mention of prostitution triggers ptsd for me and it is automatic and not my fault either. There's a reason I was single and not looking. And most guys I've dated don't behave how you described and therefore don't trigger me.

Lol yeah, you right. I didn't know though.

Yes it is. But I informed him before we dated all that stuff. I was extremely explicit about the sex trauma. If you say no smokers and they *conceal* they are smokers until after you fall in love with them, and then begin to smoke in front of you, that is deceptiveness and fraud and they are hoping to leverage your feelings to keep you with them hoping that you will change. You can't shame someone like me then to be different. I can be high maintenance all I want, I'm very up front in my beliefs. If I say no smokers and they know they smoke, but I don't, and they date me anyways that implies they aren't smokers. It's up to them to either tell me or walk away.

Yeah, exactly! He started to, as you astutely observed, sort of talk like a frat boy to me. He's stopped though but I still know he's that guy. He goes into that mode when his friends are around. They have raunchy humour which I do like, but it just feels like it isn't all fun and games when it comes to women. Again, I'd be ok with it if I didn't associate being "that guy" with being untrustworthy. I think this whole talking about our business is actually a worse betrayal than looking at the receipts. So I should stop while I'm behind. Thanks everyone.

I think the idea is that he doesn't want to be stared at? But I just have this really bad ick feeling I can't shake. Yeah but the company you keep sort of gives a hint of who you are when the ladies aren't around to spoil your fun. It's very evident that the wives aren't allowed at boys night. That's not a thing I have much experience with. Whoa I never said I accused him of anything in vegas. When he got home I said him sending me the photo triggered a trauma episode and I needed some time to calm down. That's it. I was very reassuring and tender about it. I asked if he remembered a few things i told him and he said yes and I told him how it made me feel. I was very non accusatory but I did stand up for my boundaries. I don't think I ever suggested anything like being worried he cheated with an escort. Theres a reason for that though I can't share. I feel like I could have been a lot harsher in my approach but I'm proud of how I handled it. As someone who has had close stripper friends, and it being a terrible time, I'm not just worried about him cheating. He was informed I was actively against the sex industry (not all things but most things). It was up to him to then decide if he wanted to pursue a relationship. All my partners are told this before we even have sex.

I don't mind the drinking and stuff. He may have been sober at that time. I just think it's super messed up to send a photo of an escort card in your room and caption it "want an escort" to your gf who was basically trafficked, is super involved in charity for trafficking, is nervous about cheating with escorts and just had a relationship with someone who cheated with them and has asked you not make jokes about the sex industry. Edit: dude i didnt even think he may have accidentslly sent it to me instead of his friend...great. No, he explained it. He said he would avoid triggers in the future and has been but he said that before this occured too. Then when it really mattered he dropped the ball. But he did not technically apologize. But changed behaviour is good but it may be too late. I'm on meds again as a direct result of this event. Edit: he is going on another trip to Japan and said he is shaving his body in case he goes to a bath house. He's going with a newly single friend who drinks heavily and very sociable when doing so. I am extremely nervous about this next trip and I find it hard to share in his excitement but I try.

Ok screw it. So this whole thing really started when he went away for a bachelor trip to Vegas. He was drunk/high and sent me photos of those escort cards and said his friend were collecting them. In general he makes a lot of escort/stripper jokes and in my subjective experience this is a red flag. Ive dated two people who cheated with sex workers. This was after I had explained to him a few times I've been sexually exploited as a teen (ive done a lot of charity work in the past with this) and* I have dated two sex buyers, who were both abusive. One who probably did it while with me. I was extremely nervous about his trip to Vegas for a bachelor but had been feeling good. But when he sent the photo of the escort card I instantly flipped inside. It triggered an anxiety episode that lasted for...well it's not completely over. I didn't tell him and acted normal until he got back and then I told him it triggered an episode. And that I was confused because I had communicated that that topic was a trigger for me. I even told him a story about someone telling me about their own trip and those cards and how it triggered me so it felt to me like, even if theres no cheating and a stupid mistake, it was a betrayal of trust because 1. Why did I tell him about my past, which I've only told a couple of people and 2. Why did I tell him all these instances where my trauma was triggered. To me I almost questioned if it was done to be cruel or an act of defiance because he's against "political correctness". It made me question my trust in him in all things because it was so easily predictable that doing that was a bad idea. He didn't seem to really understand how that bothered me so much. And no other than saying it triggered an episode and saying I've been mentally unwell since then I haven't spoken about it again. I felt I was very tactful in how I told him my feelings.

It was a holiday, he doesn't have a work place. Yeah I know all that stuff. "constantly snooping" I just got into a car and looked down. Then when he paid for a thing I looked forward. I then looked down again on a counter. All that happened in less than 2 days and I overall functioned fine and enjoyed my time and acted normal. What's constant is the anxiety and belief he's messing around and I don't need to do a single second of snooping for that to be my reality. But you're right it does make it worse to have that specific thing on my mind. Like I said, I'll make a note and forget about that specific thing and see if I can address the anxiety. "I'm just saying that this sort of stuff comes out 9/10 times." Maybe like 20 years later when yall have kids. But none of the exes of the people I've discovered knew they had cheated, or had been gaslit badly to doubt what they felt and were very grateful. Like whole ass double lives where they deceived people they lived with. It doesnt matter though, I don't have good reason to think that's happening here, just my "intuition". So, file it away, and forget it, work on myself.

Thank you for being empathetic. I decided that too and thought I was doing it all right and I'm disappointed, mostly in myself. This helps validate my feelings and that if I have to walk away just because I can't do it that it's OK.

Your interpretation of my behaviour is hyperbolic. I looked at two receipts, one left at my feet and only because I thought it was mine, and one left open on the counter. I read a card when it was brought out to pay for something. I hypothetically proposed what would need to be done, but I did not say I would do it and conceded that I won't. That is all. I overall have treated him well and have gotten good feedback from him. Edit: but it's my fault for not approaching the subject properly. I should have just left out that part and stuck to what has already occured. Edit: I am *very* aware that if he's innocent he will definitely drop me so I wouldn't be thinking this over nothing. So I need a conclusion whatever it is asap. And my therapists have a much more nuanced opinion of what my contribution is. "Why don't you build up your self confidence" actual good advice.

They were Tampax tampons but like I said he could have just given his parents a ride. If I have strong evidence there won't be a confrontation, I would just leave with my evidence. There's no closure and it just serves my ego to confront. That all seems reasonable. But again there seems to be an objection to even looking passively at things. So unless they literally bone in front of me, I'm not sure how you'd get concrete evidence. You're right, I guess I just have to do what I can on my end to make myself feel better. I had to do a lot of actual sloothing to prove my ex cheated with prostitutes. So to me the reaction to just reading things in the open is weird. Since infidelity rates are like 1 in 5 I'm gonna guess a lot of people are getting cheated on and have no clue <_<

Lovely read as well, thank you for sharing that with me. Yeah, I think they just see so much awful behavior in their practice. I think you and I do more or less agree about the proper way to go about things up to the more current events. Edit: and I hope you continue to improve yourself, your life and your relationships 🫂 Re irony, yes that's why I said it was ironic. Except I actually know the guy and I'm not saying he's exhausting or the common denominator saying he garbage at relationships like the folks I was referring to. But everything else is very true. I don't know if resentful is a good word for it though. I guess I resent my former dating partners for making me hypersensitive more than anything. But again we are presuming this is projection from a previous relationship, when all these same suspicions were present at the start of that one as well despite me never having been cheated on (to my knowledge) before. And my feelings were very correct then and I paid a huge price for thinking it was paranoia. So yes, I don't know what's what. That's why I want physical evidence of either infidelity or that I'm coocoo. Because it changes the course of action I take drastically. Let's follow the stove analogy for cheating. It isn't unreasonable to be anxious if you believe you left the stove on and check it once. It's the other 9 times. But some folks here seem to think you should assume the stove is off until you have already had some kind of fire...That all stoves should be presumed off until proven otherwise, while never actually looking to check once lol. When it's cheating, it's not like a stove where you can see it's off and have reasons to believe your conclusion is correct. There's a reason the phrase "if there's smoke, there's fire" exists. I smell smoke and I'm checking that the stove is off. Now imagine if your eyesight and therefore ability to see if the stove is off is compromised. Do you walk away and trust that it's off or do you check it those 9 times because "I don't see so good"? A few people here have suggested I get my eyes checked by a specialist, metaphorically. Thing is my eyesight seems to be pretty good. This particular stove is just difficult to read. And what if your house had been previously burned down by a difficult to read stove? And if you smell smoke all the time but there's no fire, and you cant tell if the stove is off...you can't expect someone to relax and feel safe. So do you throw away the stove entirely because you can't trust your ability to tell if it's off because the stress isn't worth it? Best thing to me seems is to either remove all your precious belongings so if there is a fire you won't lose everything or...get a new stove you feel confident is off. It's NOT to tell yourself you don't know how to read stoves aka "you're the common denominator, get therapy" Edit: but it's a mixed bag when you ask people for advice on the internet, so it's OK.

No problem 😊 1. I don't know who said what but that was a response to a few people saying you should trust folks until they give you reasons not to (who knows what that even means). What the communities and therapists all agree on, from my experience, is that you shouldn't trust people and have a sort of neutral stance toward them until they prove through their behaviour and reputations that they are trustworthy. But they have all specialized in cptsd/betrayal trauma/abuse syndrome and coach people who have been in highly abusive relationships. It just means don't be vulnerable and give people access to you where they can damage you until they show they have integrity. It doesn't refer to anything else. I thought I got to know him well enough. I did not. 2. When you have a suspicion and you ask your partner about it, that is called checking behaviour. It feeds intrusive thoughts. The more you engage in the self soothing behaviour, the stronger your intrusive thoughts and the compulsive actions become. That's what I meant where a therapist may tell you not to ask your partner about things. The tone of which you ask the question isn't important when it comes to checking behaviour. It's similar to ocd where you have to interrupt the compulsive actions in order to decrease the thoughts. People with ocd (I dont have ocd but it's a similar process) have an intrusive thought "what if I forgot the stove was on" and then they "check" it 10 times to relieve their anxiety. The treatment for that is to not check the stove. It's not to "check the stove in a calm, non accusatory way" lol. The problem is the checking and what it does for your brain when you have anxiety. It has nothing to do with an unwillingness to communicate. I have communicated I *in general* am struggling to trust him, said what things have triggered my feelings and that there is a base of trauma but haven't regularly (yet) asked him about specific things. He probably believes I have though, but I was just making conversation. Which is frustrating for me because I'm not passive aggressive and it makes me look guilty and now I hesitate to ask him what he did with his day. I've already said that so it's frustrating how a couple folks (not you) have doubled down on the whole "you're exhausting him and no wonder he's defensive". If you say you have trust issues you can't even breath without it being an accusation lol I can communicate I'm having issues with trust but what I can't do is engage in checking behaviour unless hypothetically I really think I'm going to find something. The receipt thing is the first legitimate checking behaviour I've done except for asking who someone was on snapchat. You shouldn't do checking behaviour to feel better or to "read" their responses. I'm not psychic. You maybe can do checking behaviour if you really think they are cheating and you're going to find evidence because that's defending yourself against psychological abuse. But that's a philosophical thing. Some experts say snooping is fine and defending yourself from psychological abuse. But only if it's justified but who knows it is until you find something. I don't agree that the receipt is a trivial thing for me to find it's just not enough to justify the amount of checking behaviour. So to clarify again, I would say my therapist probably would not support me doing any checking behaviours whether it's asking him questions, no matter how I approach it, OR looking to see if his credit card matches the receipt when he pulls it out. But a lot of therapists admit they can't do much because they dont have all the info and there aren't good answers to things. They mostly just focus on treating your anxiety and helping you with your own goals. Sorry for the length it's ok if you didn't read it all

I'm so sorry you went through that. It's horrible, traumatizing and isn't taken seriously enough, if you ask me. I've spoken to a lot of people who have been similarly hurt like you have and it's just awful. Maybe you're right. But some seem to be like "men cheat, it's normal" and they can smile and have fun and be successful and I think why am I so weak? I don't want what happened to me to occur again either. It's really hard to make a decision here because you don't want to make the same mistakes but you also don't want trauma to rule your life either. I do admit I am very confused. I don't want to be fine with it. I tried to in the past just to get evidence of physical abuse with the last one but I only got control of my emotions when I fell out of love. My goal here is just to know I'll be ok *if* it happens and to leave when I know for certain. I was just saying if they can be ok with it, as in still hold a job and have friendships, than I should at least be ok with just sort of a vague sense I maybe can't fully trust someone. I don't want to get more enmeshed with someone to where I can't escape so my body is telling me I need to do something now. I'm not saying that's right or wrong.