How much fighting is normal?

[cupcake22]

Hello all, I am curious to hear your feedback on this question: Is fighting with your SO normal, and if so, how often is okay?

 

 

(I've been with my bf for 9 months now, and we have always fought. I would say maybe 2-3 times/week over money, the future, jealousy, culture/language, etc...)

[Seraphim]

2 or 3 times a week personally I feel is way too much.

[Bunney]

I've been with my bf for around the same amount of time and we've never had a huge 'fight' per se, just a few arguments. Never yelled at eachother not even once. In our whole time together, maybe about 4-5 heated discussions... but nothing earth shattering.

 

Arguing 2-3 times a week just screams severe incompatibility to me.

[Wiseman2]

Is there a culture/language barrier where there are different values, goals, etc. in the first place compounded by language and other cultural issues?

we have always fought. I would say maybe 2-3 times/week over money, the future, jealousy, culture/language, etc...)

[cupcake22]

Is there a culture/language barrier where there are different values, goals, etc. in the first place compounded by language and other cultural issues?

 

Yes, I'm American/English native, he's from Mexico/Spanish native. He has come really far though with his English, but sometimes it's frustrating to have to repeat what I say frequently....and we are also long distance at the moment.

[RebeccaLynn]

arguments help work out couples differences. they are not meant to end a relationship. everyone is entitled to their own opinion and arguments happen when the two people get angry by expressing those opinions. it doesn’t mean that one of those opinions is right and the other is wrong. it just means that the two people are struggling to chose. If the two people don’t agree to disagree sometimes it ends the relationship.

[happyfrank]

2-3 per week is normal. The real problem is when couples hold things in and it blows over later!

 

Communication is the key to a good relationship.

[Mavrik]

After working for years with victims of abuse

 

You know how many fights in a relationship is acceptable?

 

None

 

That's all I can say

[j.man]

In about our 3.5 years together, my girlfriend and I have gotten into maaaybe 2 fights (as in some yelling involved... nothing physical or insulting).

 

Aside from those, there have been a couple instances where one of us pissed the other off, so, without yelling or even really arguing, we took some space and calmly hashed it out later. But 2 -3 times a week of even having to have a discussion over disagreements is way too much, and if there's actual yelling, chiding, or passive aggressiveness being included, I'd just say it's just that much worse.

 

Fighting that often tells me you two are simply trying to substitute incompatibility out for "passion."

 

What kind of arguments are you having? Who's starting them?

[JaggerJim]

Not very much, very seldom.

[Wiseman2]

If you are long distance what are money and future fights about? Is there an impasse?

Yes, I'm American/English native, he's from Mexico/Spanish native. He has come really far though with his English, but sometimes it's frustrating to have to repeat what I say frequently....and we are also long distance at the moment.

[Dahl]

How old are you both?

[melancholy123]

2-3 per week is normal. The real problem is when couples hold things in and it blows over later!

 

Communication is the key to a good relationship.

 

That's normal? I disagree. I think in my 30 yrs of marriage we've had 5 major disagreements that dont even qualify as fights. Yes everyone is different but 2-3 a week is over the top. Yes holding things in will eventually backfire.

[IAmFCA]

Marriage research includes, as one model of a sustainable marriage, a high-conflict partnership. Look at the Blog tab on the Gottman Institute website. [url="

 

You might find some articles that help you.

[ChellyV]

2 - 3 times a week is going to sap your energy. Find ways to peacefully resolve issues.

[Capricorn3]

Speaking for myself only, I think fighting 2-3 times a week is totally abnormal. I cannot even comprehend it, it boggles my mind. I've been married longer than you've been alive and can count on one hand the amount of disagreements we've had where we have been really mad at each other. The occasional argument, sure, but nothing I would call "fighting".

[indea08]

2-3x a week would wear me out. That's a crazy amount of fights.

 

The first year of our relationship, my husband and I argued maybe 2-3x per month. IMO it was because we moved in together too soon and we were still learning each other, and how to live with someone else, and how to live with each other. After we had pretty much figured things out, I think we've had one argument in the last 1.5 years that lasted all of about 30 minutes. And idk what kind of fights you guys have, but we have never insulted each other, called each other names, or swore directly at each other. We may be mad but we still respect each other.

[abitbroken]

We have never fought - no hands have ever been raised. We have DISAGREED - and all couples will - but i can't really say how many times i would actually say we were "fighting". If what you do is classified is fighting - then you need to review things seriously.

[j.man]

2-3x a week would wear me out. That's a crazy amount of fights.

 

The first year of our relationship, my husband and I argued maybe 2-3x per month. IMO it was because we moved in together too soon and we were still learning each other, and how to live with someone else, and how to live with each other. After we had pretty much figured things out, I think we've had one argument in the last 1.5 years that lasted all of about 30 minutes. And idk what kind of fights you guys have, but we have never insulted each other, called each other names, or swore directly at each other. We may be mad but we still respect each other.

Yup. I consider the amount my partner and I have fought to be on the lower end of "healthy" largely because our first time living together was in a "Junior Bedroom" apartment, which is basically a glorified studio. Quality of life and the relationship went through the roof after that stint.

[sophie274]

I don't really think that polling others on this question is very helpful. People have radically different definitions and perceptions of conflict, and even completely different vocabularies to apply to conflict. For example, personally, if I get annoyed with my mother and have a three-minute argument with her on the phone, I might very well say "my mother and I had a fight", whereas several people on this thread would apparently only use the word fight to describe a physical altercation or a really ugly down and dirty screaming match.

 

I think it really depends on how you feel - if you feel that you have too much conflict in your relationship, if you feel defensive and on eggshells rather than safe, if you feel hurt, then you have too much conflict. If you can argue several times a week and you two both feel close to one another and comfortable, then that sounds fine too. If you keep going round and round about the same issues week after week, then there's probably room for improvement.

[ParisPaulette]

I've been in relationships where there was constant fighting. My current relationship we've had all of 2 fights in 4 years, over major/major issues of the life changing variety. I won't go into what those were, but they were kind of big. We were over them once we calmed down and talked, which took about a day I'd say for each.

 

Otherwise we will sometimes snipe about little things, "Paris, can you keep the puppy out of my studio? He chewed my favorite paintbrush." "Don't put your paintbrushes on the floor for a puppy to eat them then!" And then it's done and we will sometimes joke about "raspberries at 20 paces" to break the tension and make ourselves laugh or one of us will make a face or we'll just talk about something else. We really don't fight much at all, and the peace and calm is wonderful.

 

I would say comparing my best relationship to my worst that fighting should be a rare thing with issues being resolved fairly quickly. In any relationship I ever had if it got to the point of fighting every month or more, that was the signal the relationship was on its way out, because something was seriously, seriously wrong.

[Capttrae]

There's going to be disagreements in every relationship, but fighting that much is just crazy. It's just not worth that kind of effort.

[catfeeder]

Big difference between disagreements and fights.

 

How nasty do things get? How do you resolve them?

[cupcake22]

In about our 3.5 years together, my girlfriend and I have gotten into maaaybe 2 fights (as in some yelling involved... nothing physical or insulting).

 

Aside from those, there have been a couple instances where one of us pissed the other off, so, without yelling or even really arguing, we took some space and calmly hashed it out later. But 2 -3 times a week of even having to have a discussion over disagreements is way too much, and if there's actual yelling, chiding, or passive aggressiveness being included, I'd just say it's just that much worse.

 

Fighting that often tells me you two are simply trying to substitute incompatibility out for "passion."

 

What kind of arguments are you having? Who's starting them?

 

Most of the time, it's about his inability to trust me. We don't yell/scream or insult each other, but it's more of me trying to convince him that I'm not cheating, that I love him, etc... He is very needy, and it gets frustrating.

[cupcake22]

Big difference between disagreements and fights.

 

How nasty do things get? How do you resolve them?

 

It does not get nasty, no name calling or screaming. I do not think they ever get resolved because he claims he "knows" I am cheating on him.