blueyed99

I'm in .. 110%

Ha! I love it. How do you use a tracker by the way? Hmm .

Actually, I completely understand what she's saying; I do believe she is being completely forthcoming. She IS NOT playing you. Trust me. I know this for a fact because I have been in this exact situation. 1. Your gf is making a concerted effort to see you. Good sign! 2. She brought up the conversation again "so what's the deal?" If she ONLY thought of you as a friend there is NO way she would have rehashed the convo. Pleeease. She wouldn't have said anything -- and hoped that "you didn't ask about it" again. As I mentioned, I said the same exact thing to my ex a few years ago after we broke up. And, like i said, I was STILL totally in love with him. But, I needed to do things the right way - go about it the right way - and my strong belief was that we needed to go back to being friends. Then we could build from there. It was the only way. And, when I told him this he didn't buy it either. He thought I was "screwing with his head" but, in all honesty, I meant every word. Hang in there and try and be patient. She sounds like a nice girl and she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. And, if she was someone who you care about, she can't be all bad! I mean, c'mon -- you've got the best judgement out there~ Try and take a deep breathe and understand where she's coming from. Maybe men and women are different on this one -- I don't know? But, if you love her and care about her you have to believe in her and what she is saying. Good luck to you -- We are all here for you and love ya! .

I know that purchasing an ex's phone records isn't the greatest idea. Like I said, I'm not condoning it .. I'm just putting it out there because I did it and I'm glad I did it. I realize it was an invasion of privacy. Still, I have NO regrets. My ex hurt me terribly (like the many others on this site who have been hurt) and turned into super *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* in the days following our breakup. I didn't deserve to have years of my life taken away from me by some guy who could love em' and leave em' from minute to minute. He moved on within weeks of us breaking up both times that it happened (we split several times -> the years we dated. We went out for a total of nine years). This would be #3. Twice before (and recently, which makes it the 3rd and FINAL breakup for us) he got involved with someone else immediately - in a heartbeat - no regrets. It was infuriating and embarrassing. But, I was idiotic enough to get back together with him .. both times. When things were good, our relationship was bliss. When they were bad, they were sheer hell. Both times that we broke up he would walk away and play these ignore games acting as if he didn't care, getting involved with someone else within weeks, and making a fool out of me and our relationship. This time I'd had enough. I needed to know if he had really done it again - a third time (both times that we got back together he swore he'd never jump into another relationship that quickly again - he knew how much it hurt me but when all went to hell, he'd do it again .. just like the time before) Knowing that he was seeing someone else (for the third and final time it was going to happen!) and having her personal information felt nothing short of empowering. And I needed to feel EMPOWERED. It sounds strange but it helped me to move on. He's a *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*.

I am not advocating this but if you really need to know, one option is to order his phone records. It's best if he usually makes and receives calls from his cell phone. If not, however, it's still an option. I know .. it's not the most mature nor ethical option but it will most likely provide you with the information you need. You'll be able to see all of the incoming and/or outgoing calls that he's made which will give you a good indication of who he has been speaking to. You'll recognize most of the numbers (to friends and family -- they'll be consistent numbers throughout the report) but the ones that you don't recognize can be researched in greater detail. In other words, you can find out who (the name, location) whatever number in question is registered to. This is how I found out my ex was seeing someone. I noticed a number on the "Phone Records Report" that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It hadn't been called before the initial day in which it appeared but was suddenly appearing on the report everyday after! In other words, suddenly he was calling this same number four to five times a day! But, never before. After some research I realized the person with the registered number in question was, infact, the girl my ex had started dating. The phone records report is a bit $$ but I do think (for me) it was worth it. I needed answers! You can order them online through and/or you can get other information through

I feel "your pain." I went through something very similar and I know it wasn't fun. Nor easy. Infact, the week after my ex and I got back together I was putting some stuff away and ran accross an ENTIRE DRAWER filled with condoms. My bf and I hadn't used them since the first year we were together (we were together for eight years) and I had never seen them in the years before we broke up so I was certain they had been purchased recently - most likely when my ex was dating "this other girl" (they dated for six months). Even though he was no longer with this girl I tortured myself with constant thoughts of their relationship and THEIR sexlife. It's almost as if I strived to drive myself crazy. I thought about her constantly and created the most scandalous thoughts in my mind. I didn't want to forgive (even though I said I did) because I was so angry, hurt and disgusted. I wanted to punish him. I was afraid of getting hurt again. Fast forward six months. In time I did forget. As each day passed I realized I was thinking about "their amazing sexlife, their flawless relationship" less and less. Obviously, he didn't want to be with her. He had chosen to be with ME. There is something else I'd like to mention. It's pretty basic but I think it may help to put things in perspective for you. The thoughts that you're creating in your mind (of "them") are 100000 times more extreme (played out, scandalous, like an xxx rated film) in your mind than what went on, in actuality. We exaggerate and create extreme and unrealistic thoughts of things that we do not know in order to fill in the gaps - possibly to ensure we don't get hurt again. In other words, the thoughts that you're creating in our mind are probably wayyy out of touch, exaggerated and unrealistic. So, take a deep breathe! Remember -- your imagination (they were having the greatest sex of all time, hanging from the chandaliers) is NOT AT ALL reality.

If you are certain it's over, you need to take a stand. I know you feel badly and you're afraid of hurting her. Unfortunately, you don't have much of a choice. If she hasn't gotten the hint that things are over and you want out (or if she just isn't being real with herself) you need to do something that will force her to look reality in the face for the way things are, NOT as she would like them to be. She believes you're saying the things you are because you're angry and upset and hurt but she truly believes she can change your mind, and will. Trust me. What she is believing is what she is seeing. And, what she is seeing is that you're still around. You're still living with her and you're still the person she's coming home to every night. You need to do something drastic (like moving out) so she knows you're SERIOUS about the irreputable damage that's been done. You need to do what's best for you and stop wasting your time. Like the old saying goes, you only live once and everyday that you're living this "relationship that is headed nowhere but south" is everyday you're not living your life FOR YOU. You deserve to be with someone you want to be with, you deserve to be happy and content in your relationship. You shouldn't be bound to a relationship just because you were with this person for five years. And, you shouldn't feel guilty just because her temper got the best of you and wore you out. She should have controlled her temper before the fact .. before pushing you away. No - driving you away. NOBODY deserves that crap. If you hurt her in the end, it's too bad. Trust me, it's better than hurting yourself.

If you want her to stop harassing you, here's the plan: 1. Get caller ID 2. Whenever you get an incoming call that you don't recognize or one that is displayed as Private Caller or an unrecognized number that is within her area code or yours, do not answer it! If the call is important and it's not her calling, that person will leave a message. Trust me. Do not, by any means, answer your phone! And, do not call her back. Do not respond to emails. Do not give her any reason to continue bothering you. Cut her off. I know this sounds viscious but trust me .. it's the best thing for both of you. And, do NOT tell her about the girl you're dating - there is NO reason for her to know (you won't be talking to her so you won't have the chance to let her know) It's similar to ripping a bandaid off of the skin. You have to do it quickly, suddenly, abruptly -- cold turkey. The skin burns for a few seconds but the pain subsides fairly quickly after. This is the way you have to handle her "obsessive, compulsive calling." You need to break her of her habits. If you don't "respond" to any of the attempts she is making -> get in touch with you, she will have no choice but to stop calling. After a while she won't want to reach out to you because she'll know (before she even calls) she won't get a response. It'll get old and she'll have no choice but to move forward and stop wasting her time. It's similar to an addiction. You have to stop the addiction cold turkey. I promise you .. this will work.

My ex and I split up about six months ago. We were together for 8+ years. He met someone else just two weeks after we split. He told me from the very beginning that he was just having fun, "dating" but not intensely, said he wasn't even serious about her .. wasn't even into her all that much. When I asked "well then why are you dating her?" he said she was a nice girl and they got along - there was no stress and no arguing and he loved it. (she's from spain and she speaks very little english. That's why they get along. She doesn't speak much and/or understand much so there's a whole lot of silence) Well, six months have passed since the day he met her and told me he wasn't into her and such .. and guess what? Guess what's going on now? Well, yes, they are still together. Things seem to be progressing quite nicely in their relationship. They are serious and spend a ton of time together. He calls me every so often although I have asked him not to repeatedly, however, he seems quite content in his relationship. The last time I spoke to him, a few days ago when he called/blocked his number said he was calling about something (some rediculous reason, mind you) I had to ask how his relationship was progressing. And he said he didnt want to talk about it because it made him feel uncomfortable. Clearly, he cares a heck of a lot more about her than he was wiling to admit a few months ago. And, turns out I shouldn't have believed a word he said. I think she has moved in to his place or is planning to. Six months after the fact. In other words, all of his bs in the beginning - telling me how much he didnt care? It turns out he was just feeding me lines, telling me what I wanted to hear. Don't believe a word they say. Actions speak louder than words. Think about it .. if he/she is with some other person, there IS A reason why -- and that reason is? THEY WANT TO BE. Don't sit around and wait because you COULD be waiting forever. I say move on and find yourself someone wonderful .. someone who is worthy of you. Because, you are damn worth it.

Dont get frustrated .. and don't give in to your temptation to contact her. A year really isn't that long so stop being so hard on yourself!! You will heal .. but you have to continue on the path of no contact .. none at all. This is the most important component in healing. I've learned the hard way. Do you know what else I've found? If I allow myself to think about my ex, I get totally caught up in it and it doesn't seem to stop for hours on end .. days on end at times.... but if everytime I think of him, I immediately change my thoughts to something else/something different, it seems I get back to a normal state of mind a lot sooner. Trust me, this isn't easy. I know because I'm struggling with the exact same ordeal .. except, our relationship ended after eight+ years. He has a new gf (who, by the way, is very "HOT" -- and I met yesterday, when I ran into him with her at walgreens, unexpectedly) but I havent been able to move on quite as easily. Infact, same as you .. I have little desire to be with anyone else. Period, end of sentence. It sucks. But, recently, I stopped talking to him and its gotten a bit better. Everyday I'm getting stronger and every day that goes by is one less day that I'll have to heal from this in the future. It takes time. And, it does get better. You have put soo many months effort into not calling and trying to heal .. dont reopen the wound. I promise you .. there is nothing she is going to say when you call or whatever that will make you feel better beyond the initial momentary high of captivating her attention on the phone or the like. I think you're just missing her and looking for an excuse, which, as we all know is just a seasonal FIX.. I know .. this is completely and entirely normal. I have the same cravings. Trust me. we all do. But, stay true to yourself and don't contact her. It will NOT make things better. Infact, quite the contrary - you'll be upset with yourself for contacting her, after the fact, when she doesn't say the wonderful things you'll be wanting to hear once you've got her on the line. And, you'll get off of the phone feeling even lower than you do right now. Stay strong and keep your head up. It will get better.

I agree .. he definitely wants you back. But, he's too afraid to tell you because he doesnt want to deal with rejection. And, if he thinks you're acting cold and nochalant, which you are, he thinks that telling you he wants you back will only lead to more rejection. So, he's playing cool cat.

Romantic Sweetheart: I just read your response to the original post It's been a while. Yes, these times can be soo painful. You write beautifully. Your words are truly inspiring. Thank you

I read your post and just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your situation. Your ex sounds like she doesnt feel too good about herself .. allowing every Bob, Ken, Randy to have his way with her. But, your comment about not being able to trust another women for as long as you live? Don't let her taint every other relationship in the future. Dont question all women you date .. don't not trust them just because you got a bad apple in the mix. There are sooo many other apples to choose from and trust me, MOST of them are worth biting into. Your ex girlfriend sounds like she's got a problem - with sex that is/ Who sleeps around .. even after she realizes she's passed on a disease or two? Anyone who is able to function in this fashion is obviously not thinking very clearly nor respecting themselves and/or their body in the least. Actually, I find it quite sad. But, the reason I am replying is because I am a female and I need you to know that you can trust females! Here's one for starters .. how about that? I am very attractive and have never had a problem meeting men. I have been in many long term relationships and I must say .. I have NEVER ever cheated on a boyfriend. We're talking NEVER. I have been tempted and/or been physically attracted to another person while in the relationship but I have never ever acted on those emotions. Nor, would I ever, in my lifetime. And, I have been cheated on by a number of men I've been involved with .. so .. the table turns, huh? You can trust women .. and you will find a wonderful woman who is deserving of your trust. And when you do? You'll know she is being faithful because you will FEEL IT. You wont even question it. You'll see what I'm talking about .. in time. take care of yourself ,ok? We're all on your side!

Matt - Your words or rather, your experience is quite inspiring. I know what it must have felt like to realize wow, I havent thought of her in x days. Must have been quite a high! I am also trying to heal from a relationship that ended four weeks ago. We were together for 7 years. We were engaged, living together and strangely enough, very happy, for the most part. I was, however, having trust issues {last year of our relationship} because something felt different. He was different} . One day, during an argument, he left and I have YET to hear from him again. That was four weeks ago. I am certain its over for him {because walking out, not calling or speaking to me within a few hours of an argument) isnt his usual pattern. And, at this point, it doesnt even matter what he thinks or feels or wants. He played his cards all wrong this time. You dont just leave someone high and dry. and, for me? ITS OVER THIS TIME! NO QUESTIONS ASKED. We broke up once before and we did get back together but I won't make the same mistake twice, especially after his exodus. Anyways, you seem like you're doing really well. I'm glad .. you deserve it. Thanks again for sharing.

I am having the same problem. Its awful, isnt it? Maybe its too soon for both of us? My fiancee and are over OVER once again .. and I do think its the final chapter. He broke up with me about a month ago after I admitted I had snooped through his cell phone/ checked his outgoing and incoming call lists while he was in the shower. Yes . I KNOW ... I was WRONG. And, trust me .. I'm eating now because I was wrong to snoop and WRONG about who this person .. this girl turned out to be a coworker who I had infact heard of .. but forgot her name .. and the reason he was calling her turned out to be entirely authentic. He wasnt BSing me this time around. I should have TAKEN A DEEP breathe before I went ape and turned out to be wayy off in my accusations. I am totally at fault. I shouldnt have convicted him before he was proven guilty. Because this time he was infact innocent. The day we broke up .. once I'd snooped and saw the first name that wasnt recognizable right away, I panicked, jumped the gun .. got all fired up and defensive, and walked straight into the bathroom even though he was still taking a shower {saw he had made three calls to a girl who's name I didnt recognize} I asked him who the girl was. I told him I had never heard her name and asked why he had called her 3x in a row on x given morning. Well, I didnt really ask .. I kinda TOLD .. and before he had a chance to answer, I SAID I didnt EVEN WANT TO hear his bull lame excuses. Then, I left the house. That afternoon , up until about a week later, I apologized and left messages and sent emails but he refuses to talk to me nor have anything to do with me. I do think his reaction is a bit over the top but .. hey, maybe he was just looking for an out .. and this was the final straw. He left his keys to my place and hasnt spoken to me since -- well, not really. A friend of my ex's told me he's sick of the fighting and BS in our relationship and doesnt think the relationship is gonna work between us. .. he said I need to get on with my life. Supposedly my ex told him that it was a mistake to get back together with me the last time. He said he wouldnt make that same mistake again. I am not okay with his decision to break up but there is NOTHING I can do about it. Its not my choice and I cant force anyone to talk to me if they dont want to. So, I recently started dating and its been a nightmare.I am soo depressed .. when I arrive home after a date .. realizing this person IS NOT my ex .. realizing my entire life is different and will be different and the person I thought I'd be with the rest of my life .. is no longer a part of my dreams .. my future. Sorry .. back to the original question .. I would LOVE to know what to do when going out with friends and dating other great guys aren't doing the trick but only causing me to miss my ex more than I do on any other day. I dread the weekends now. THEY SUCK. Does anyone have any advice? Please?