Scratcher Gillespie

Thanks for the replies everyone. antigravity, firstly, I am sorry to hear about your illness and wish you all the best in your recovery. From what you have written, you appear to be very close to the 'stereotype', much like the people in my own life, that I was discussing, where the personal feelings of the sufferer are magnified by expectations generated by mainstream society. darkblue - yes I am blaming society in a way for depression. I am strongly of the opinion that environmental factors are either a trigger or a contributor to the psychological state that produces the illness. I think it's no wonder people like antigravity feel disillusioned at the state of society, when they were conditioned at a young age to expect something, when the reality was very different. This would be a very traumatic event and would cause one to question ones entire fabric of being. sonjam - different people have different opinions, of which mine is only one, about the causes of the illness. For example, I found this quote whilst researching my reply. "You may have heard people talk about chemical imbalances in the brain that occur in depression, suggesting that depression is a medical illness, without psychological causes. However, all psychological problems have some physical manifestations, and all physical illnesses have psychological components as well. In fact, the chemical imbalances that occur during depression usually disappear when you complete psychotherapy for depression, without taking any medications to correct the imbalance. This suggests that the imbalance is the body's physical response to psychological depression, rather than the other way around." To everyone - Obviously there is no simple answer to this problem. There is no one cause for the illness. I still believe that environmental factors like I have discussed have a large impact with regards to the disease. I also know when I eventually have kids, I am going to make a point of preparing them for the harshness of the real world, in order to limit the chances of them suffering the illness. Kind Regards, Scratcher Gillespie

Hi guys, I often lurk around these forums without posting. I've found there are some amazing and intelligent people here, and they certainly helped me through a break-up situation I went through a few months ago. Today I thought I might try to provoke some discussion. I'm going to talk about a touchy subject - depression. I'd appreciate it if people took an open mind to what I'm saying, rather than defensively saying 'I had depression, its not like that, you don't know what the hell you are talking about' I have never had depression, however I had an ex-girlfriend who did, as well as knew a lot of girls who also had the disease. I'm not claiming to be a saviour or guru, I'm just writing my opinion based on my personal experiences. Basically the issue I have with depression is that from my experience with white middle class girls/boys from successful, nuclear families, there seems to be no obvious rationale, apart from possibly a chemical imablance in the brain. My own attitudes to depression in white middle class boys and girls, who have not experienced the 'harshness' of life or life events that would bring on a case of depression is this. Society today through the use of mass media especially TV, movies and magazines gives the impression to young people (more so girls but males as well), that life is going to be one big picknik, you are going to find the partner of your dreams, you are going to be the coolest person around at school, basically that life is going to be one big fairytale. Now when people reach the mid-teenage years, they begin to discover that the world isn't everything it's made out to be. Their parents are just people with the same faults and inconsitencies as anyone else, with the ability to hurt them just the same as anyone else. They read magazines and find that they are not as attractive as the models they read about, begin to discover that the guy of their dreams is possibly not going to ride in and sweep them off their feet (The Hugh Grant style tall dark handsome, rich man), people in their lives are going to do things that upset them, and their grand fairytale plan for life isn't going to fall into their arms. I think when people begin to realise that the real world is a very different place than what they have been led to believe. Some people are brought up thinking that the world owes them happyness. That their family/friends/teachers are responsible for them feeling bad, and they get stuck in a rut which leads to depression. An example of this is a friend of mine's mum hasn't been the textbook loving mother to her, and she holds an enormous amount of resentment and hate, and blames her mum for this. In my opinion, the sooner she realises that her mum is just a normal person like anyone else, not the saviour that she has been led by society to believe she should be, the quicker she will be able to let go of this resentment, forgive her mother and accept that some people are simply not going to behave in the way she expects. This will allow her to live a much happier and productive life, rather than holding onto hate and expectations which are unrealistic. Also, my ex-girlfriend had a similar attitude. If anyone (including me) did anything to upset her, she would blame them for contributing to her depression. I'm well aware that people say and do hurtful things, however, she was realising her happyness from other people's actions (Being told she was loved, beautiful etc), rather than from within herself. Finding happyness in this way is a house of cards that is just asking to be brought down when someone close to you that you have idealised does something to hurt you. Basically the point of this long post is that people are hung up on the real world and people in it not living up to expectations that they fall into the rut of depression. I think that by embracing the real world, along with the mother who is not loving, the friends who occasionally do things to hurt you, the father who was not around, as a fact of life and not expecting life to be one big fairytale would go a long way to helping people realise that happyness comes from within onesself, rather than from other people. I'd love to read other people's thoughts on this. Regards Scratcher Gillespie

Well it's happened. She rang one of my friends who is in New Zealand at the moment just to chat. He claims he was drunk at the time and let it slip that I am with the K, the new gf. Although that may be doubtful, as I know he has wanted her since/before we broke up. As I expected, she has gone off the scales. She says she never wants to talk to my friend ever again, and I'm scared of turning my phone on for the hate/guilt trip messages that will inevitably surface. I'm well aware that I have hurt her deeply and I'm sorry for that, but I don't think that talking to me is going to make things better. I feel so sorry for hurting her, even though I have only done what is best for me in the circumstances. I still feel guilty, and I'm actually afraid to see her/talk to her for the pain it will cause her and the guilt it will cause me. Im still debating whether to answer her calls, ring hre and talk to her, or simply leave it and enforce no contact. What do you guys reckon? I think I can make a wild guess what the suggestions will be.

Thanks for all the replies guys. Ashland71, I disagree that you can't ever fall out of love with someone. I spose the problem stems from the fact that it's impossible to define love per se. I was in love with my ex at one point, there is on doubt about that. But it is a feeling, its not something tangiable that's easily explained. When I say my ex doesnt grasp the concept, I think she thinks that once someone says I love you, then that binds them to the other person no matter what the circumstances. I spose what's loev to one person isn't necessarily love to another person, and thats where a lot of problems start. Steve-0, I know where your coming from. It's hard to give a person a reason for breaking up when there isn't one big issue that lead to the breakup. It broke my heart trying to explain that to my ex. In my case, it was a slow gradual realisation, after getting to know my ex better, that we weren't compatible long-term. Steve, I think if shes handling the break-up ok, there is no need to go into minute detail. Annie24, like I said to steve, it was a slow and gradual realisation that we werent compatible. We really didnt have a great deal in common, and after a while I think that I began to realise that. Karvala, I don't expect her to understand the minute details of why my feelings changed. I do, however, expect her to acknowledge that it is possible for someone to fall out of love. For someone to say I love you at one point in time, I don't love you at another point in time, and not be a lying bastard. I guess I've just been questioning myself, asking myself whether I am all the things my ex calls me, gutless etc. While I'm obviously not feeling fantastic that a relationship ended, I do think I made the right decision, and people that think I'm a liar or whatever can think what they want.

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my ex, and have posted here link removed about issues since the break-up. /Begin Rant Ive obviously been discussing the topic amongst my friends, many of whom have also been in the situation where they have simply fallen out of love with their partner, for whatever reason the passion has gone, and that has been the basis for the break-up. It seems to be the case that unless the partner has done something unforgivable, cheated etc on you, that you have no valid reason for the breakup and thereforeeee must be some sort of cold-hearted moron. Conversations with my most recent ex, and this seems to be fairly constant accross the board with my mates and their ex's, generally go like this: Her thought you said you loved me? Me: I did, but things change and I don't anymore, I don't know why... Her: What did I do? Me: You didnt do anything. Her: Well then why don't you love me?? etc etc. She simply cannot grasp the concept. In my opinion, it's more caring to break up with a person you can't see youself sharing a future with, rather than to stay with them out of fear that you will hurt their feelings. Why is it that people who do this are labelled gutless, unable to handle the hard times, and liars when all that is really done is to face up to the truth? I'm sick of people telling me I'm a dickhead for simply facing up to the facts of the situation, and doing what had to be done. I'm well aware that I broke my ex's heart, and that she is devastated, I'm not proud of that at all, it cuts me up inside, but her being in love with me is simply not a reason to go on pretending in the relationship and not giving 100%. /Rant Over.

Hi people, this is my first time posting on here, but I have recently gone through a bit of a break-up, and have been lurking here for a while. You guys give some great advice, it's really helped me over the last couple of months. However, I'm currently having a problem with my ex of 2 months. We were together for about 6 months previous, and had quite a good relationship, which broke down in part because she is battling mild depression. (I felt like I was her therapist as well) I moved into her house for a week while her parents were away, and after about 2 days, we both found we had absolutely nothing to talk about. We would literally sit there and have dinner, watch tv etc in silence. She has trouble controlling her moods at the best of times, but when shes drunk it all tends to come out. Anyway at the end of that week, she got drunk, picked a huge fight and we ended up breaking up (It wasn't the first time she had done that). I no longer saw a future with her,which isn't to say i didn't think she is a great girl, but I thought it best not to string her along. Anyway its two months later, and she is still harassing me. I mean, to the tune of 4-5 phone calls per night, which i don't answer, along with numerous messages, which I occasionally reply to. To make things even more complicated, I am now seeing a former female friend of mine (that I wanted for ages before being with my ex, not during though) who my ex knows. The ex doesn't know as yet, and when she does find out i just know she will go ballistic. Because of that, I find its affecting my relationship with my new girlfriend, they live literally 2km away from each other, (about 100km from me), and i find whenever I go out, I'm looking over my shoulder, feeling guilty etc, and it just sucks. It's caused numerous fights with the new gf. Basically the question is, how to convince my ex that no contact is the only way that she will get over me. I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have, but shes the type of girl who wallows in her own misery, she has a history of depression and has attempted suicide once (a long time ago, she is much better psychologically now.) I really really want her to just live her life and be happy, and accept that it just didnt work out, but no matter what i do it seems to cause more pain and tears, and it tears me up inside. I couldn't live with myself if she did something stupid. Any thoughts on how to firstly help the ex get over me, and secondly, get rid of the guilt feelings I have when i'm with my new gf?