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Shaker

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  1. Shaker
    Day 2 of No Contact. I received an email from my ex, but haven't responded. I was surprised he wrote to me. I'm overwhelmed with grief, but I know that getting in touch with him won't make me feel better today. It helps that he's out of town tonight, and is travelling a lot this month. It also helps that I moved to a different neighborhood, but my new place doesn't feel like home. Holding each other on the weekend? That felt like home.
  2. Shaker
    I'm posting because today I'm having a really hard go of it. My ex dumped me over the phone a month ago, and we lived together. We've had no contact since the break up until this weekend. We agreed to get together to chat as he wanted to know about my moving details. We talked about lots of things, but didn't talk about the relationship. There were some tears shed on both sides, but for the most part we had a really nice time together. Cooked a meal. Did some errands. Caught up. Are still attracted to each other, but kept at a distance except for a couple of hugs. I didn't tell him I wanted to try to make things work because I already did a month ago. I didn't talk about how hard it's been, but did talk about what I've been doing since the split. We kept the dialogue light and comfortable as much as possible. I asked last night before going to my new home if we should agree on a plan of how to proceed from here. We talked about no contact, but he said he can't picture life without me. That he still wants to be friends. I suggested a routine we come up with--like working out together every three weeks. He thought this was a good idea, but said it's going to be hard for him knowing that I'm in the same city again. He said he thinks we should both live life to its fullest, and that he expects someone is going to come along and sweep me off my feet any day. Then he sort of changed his mind and said to get in touch with him only in case of emergency. Then he said feel free to get in touch with him whenever since he still feels like I'm his best friend. He drove me to my new place, and left with tears in his eyes. Today he sent me a brief email (since I'm moving everything else today) saying he knows today will be hard, but hopes it will be okay. He also asked an unrelated question about advice on books to read, I suppose because he wants me to write back. I've been packing up a few odds and ends today (which I thought would be easy) but also finally felt strong enough to sort through our folder of letters / cards / photos from friends and family over the years. I separated out things to me and to him, but of course came accross lots of love letters back and forth. It's shaken me up all over again. All of it. I want him to rethink everything, but I don't know what to do. And if I do nothing, I know he'll move on. I don't know what to do, and I know the recommended course of action is 'no contact' but I really deeply believe that we're meant to be together.
  3. Shaker
    Count me in. I spent large bits of the weekend with my ex (our first face to face contact since BEFORE the breakup). I feel more peaceful now--or resolved--but also more sad than I have for a while. How much we love each other was so apparent in our talks I just need some time and space away from it to clear my head. Still not sure if I want to get back together with him (something we didn't talk about), but am willing to try NC to put myself on the mend. So today is Day 1.
  4. Shaker
    Get this. I spoke to my ex today because I was given a message for him from the power company. In the (very brief) conversation, I had said that I needed the apartment in the evening and to steer clear. He said okay. When I got in from looking at apartments, he was in the shower. He dressed in the bathroom, came into the kitchen where I was, smiling of course. The dialogue: Him: Hi. Me: Hi. Him: You're making supper? Me: Yep. Him: I haven't eaten. Me: Do you want me to throw some in the pot for you? Him: No, I'm late for the hockey game. Do you have a place to stay tonight? Me: Yes. Him: I can talk to my friends and see if they have a place for me tonight. Me: No, it's okay. Him: When are you moving? Me: Excuse me? Him: It must be quite the week looking at apartments all the time. Me: Yep. Him: Are you moving tomorrow? Me: I'm doing the best I can. Him: It came out wrong. Me: Okay. Him: Okay. See you later. So--the idiot dumps me over the phone a month ago, and this is the first time we've seen each other in over a month, and he goes to watch a game. Why? Because he's a child. I hope the team rips out his heart and uses it as a puck. Wait...what heart?
  5. Shaker
    Leave it? I'm trying to, I guess, but it's a struggle. When I think about bumping in to him, I start feeling queasy and have been on edge when I'm out and about in town. He ended up not responding to me, so I guess that's that. He must have written in a moment of weakness. I felt awful for most of yesterday, especially when I was at the apartment. But on the bright side: 1. I think I finally found a place to live (I'll know more today), so I won't have to sleep on couches for another week. (Being turned out of your place adds a whole new level of trouble--I've barely been able to get work done, stopped get excercise, and hardly sleep). 2. I posted an on-line personal ad with a friend for fun last night (after a little too much wine) 3. And I finally got that haircut and a sexy pair of jeans.
  6. Shaker
    I've been going through a very similar situation, as you know!, and I've thought about doing what you're planning on doing. I wouldn't send the letter, and here's another reason why (and a jaded one): so, you're pointing out his flaws, where he went wrong, etc. This is going to help him better himself for the next girl he's with. You don't owe it to either of them. Let him suffer for the same mistakes down the road. Look out for yourself. You're right, he's a prat. Don't stoop.
  7. Shaker
    Thanks, guys. I guess I agree that there's something childish or spineless about avoiding him, but my goal was to put aside what my actions may look like to him and just figure out what I needed to do for me. Here's the update. He sent a second email (this time about bills), so I felt like I should respond. He wanted to know if I was in town again, etc., and what my availability is like tonight. I sent a couple of sentences to say I was back, but busy tonight (which is true). He also wanted to know about my New Year's Eve. I didn't address any of that (but I did have a great night). Haven't heard back from him yet, but I think it must feel weird to him as well that we're in the same town and haven't crossed paths (not a mistake). Although--and this is funny to me for some reason--but on the way here a couple of days ago, I was driving down the highway with a friend, legs shaking, eyes welling up to be back here, and my ex was driving one lane over. What are the chances!? Apparently, I was the only one who noticed.
  8. Shaker
    My ex sent me an email asking to see me tomorrow night and chat, or for me to pick a time/date that works. We haven't seen eachother for a month, and he ended the four-year old relationship over the phone a few weeks ago. I know he's seeing someone else now (and he doesn't know I know: what a loop!), so he may want to talk about it to warn me...but I'm really stuck on what his motivation is for this meeting. Is it because he wants to break up with me all over again, this time in person? Is it because I had asked a week ago if he felt we ought to talk about things in person? (He said 'no' by the way, that he'd talk to me in person if it was what I wanted. I flipped him a virtual bird over the phone, and have since decided this probably isn't a good idea). Is it because we're both back in the city from the holidays now? I just don't know what to expect. I know I can say 'no', say nothing at all, or meet up with him. Advice? What would you do?
  9. Shaker
    He called back, and was really distant. The ball was totally in my court, and he wanted me to call all of the shots. He expressed no opinion, hadn't thought at all about the logistics, etc. I felt like I was chairing a meeting, but we sorted out most of the moving details, and then talked very generally about the holidays. One of the questions that came up was whether or not we should speak about the break-up in person. He was willing to (but said he didn't want me to have any false hope), but I realized this won't be necessary for me. I've really lost respect for him because of his attitude and behavior throughout this breakup. That's closure enough. I finally feel relieved. He's not the person of integrity and respect I once thought, and I'm off the hook. Thanks, guys.
  10. Shaker
    I caved and broke NC because my ex and I shared an apartment, and as it turns out, there are some issues that we need to resolve before month's end, and I'm travelling for the weekend. I called and left a message, but he hasn't returned it. I asked that if he doesn't plan on returning it, that he send me a quick email. No word. No anything. We didn't officially establish NC, he didn't ask for space, and I thought waiting until after the holidays seemed the most fair. But this really stinks.
  11. Shaker
    I'm also not sure how best to respond to someone's gut reaction. Thanks to Oprah's show, the "doubt is a girl's best friend" motto seems to be taking off perhaps with unfortunate consequences! Yes, being in touch with your intuition is important, but why does her intuition overrule yours? I'm sure your gut is telling you she's the woman you want to spend your life with... I agree with the other posters. She needs to have time to think about her 'gut reaction' and articulate for you what her reasons are behind it.
  12. Shaker
    Join the club. I think our exes must have gone to the same school, and graduated with degrees in 'phone dumping'. And mine expressed relief, too. I don't feel relief yet, but I guess it will come. Sorry to hear about your situation. It was really nice of you to give her another chance in the past. Goodluck.
  13. Shaker
    Sounds like a case of cold feet. Some of my friends have done this. Agreed to get married, and then go through periods of doubt and anxiety. In my experience, sometimes the rebounds do last, but the guy she's with now will always wonder if she's going to do the same thing to him. The trick is to get yourself back to a place where you can fully trust someone again to be with you for the long-haul. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you.
  14. Shaker
    Hope, Thanks for your reply. I feel like any contact right now will be painful, over the phone or in person unless it's a chance to really sit down and talk over things, but I think he's done with me. We do have bills, etc. but I've managed to solve all of those issues and there really aren't any pragmatics left to talk about. Just the relationship, but I'm guessing by his lack of contact, he's not interested in having this kind of talk. I wonder if I haven't heard from him because he's sleeping elsewhere? A torturous question, I know. I'm starting to feel angry, like if I called him tonight, I'm just cleaning up his mess. Why doesn't he feel any accountability? There's something really cowardly about him in all of this, and it's not a trait I've ever seen in him before all of this. Anyway, packing up my things had no impact on him for whatever reason. And neither has no contact.
  15. Shaker
    It's evening now, and still no word from the ex. Any moment now he'll be arriving at our place. I'm still not sure how to handle this stuff. So here's a question: because my breakup was over the phone, will it help me with closure if I see him in person, or is NC the best way to go?
  16. Shaker
    Superdave, I keep reading occasional postings that say NC is right for the majority of situations. When is it a bad idea? I'm thinking of breaking it today (it's only been 8 days).
  17. Shaker
    I could use some advice. My ex will be returning to our apartment Tuesday, and will obviously see that I've packed up everything. I'm several hours away (still with family) and feel the urge to go see him, but I think seeing him will be devastating. I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow. Christmas is over now without any word from him. I figure tomorrow will go one of three ways: 1. He'll continue to not contact me. 2. He'll contact me about logistics (to find out when I'm moving, etc.) 3. He'll contact me to have another talk I'm dreading all possibilities. How should I handle each scenario? I guess in the first case, I keep NC. But what about the other two? I feel really heartsick and awful tonight. I'm still in disbelief, and shocked that he hasn't called to see how I'm doing especially since he wants to be friends.
  18. Shaker
    Lovely2400, The good news: it gets better. The bad news for a while. The middle ground: although he's probably mostly thinking about his needs and wants right now, I'm sure he's struggling too. You're on the right track. Keep busy, and remember that the more time you think about him, the less time you have to take care of yourself. Put yourself first now.
  19. Shaker
    I'm going through the exact same situation, and although I agree with what you're saying, I wouldn't say it or send it. I think dumpers expect to be judged along those lines, and usually have some feelings of guilt. Let your ex wrestle with the situation, and don't weigh in. It's enough that you're right. One of the differences between my recent ex and me is that I'm a fixer. I like working at things, problem solving, trying new approaches. I think it's really telling that he isn't willing to try to work things out with me, and indicates a difference in world view or value system that I wasn't aware of before this. Do you want to be with someone who wants to leave no stone unturned like yourself, or who so readily cuts bait? About the holidays, it totally stinks. I suppose you're right and there really is no good time. It sounds like in your note that you're not seeing your ex as a friend because of this lack of consideration. Fair enough. But saying anything at this time is just going to make your ex defensive, and possibly even self-righteous. Leave it alone.
  20. Shaker
    What is the stuff? If it fits into a box or two, I'd just pack it up and stick it in the back of a closet. When enough time goes by, and she still hasn't asked for it, you can toss it away. What's your motivation for telling her about someone new? If it's to make her jealous or test the waters, I wouldn't bother. If the someone new is moving in with you and you need the space her things are taking up, then that's another story (maybe?). I'd say stick with NC.
  21. Shaker
    I've been thinking lately about how amazing it is to love so deeply just once in your life, even if things don't work out and your feelings aren't reciprocated in the end. You have fewer regrets when you give it your all in the moment. I've been called 'the one that got away' three times in my life, but I've never said it to anyone. I don't want my future muddied up by the past.
  22. Shaker
    Here's a light question, that borders on being shallow: has anyone revamped their look after a breakup? I'm not talking about radical transformation, but more along the lines of wearing hot jeans, getting a new haircut, that sort of thing. (By the way, this wasn't one of the reasons for my breakup!) Does slightly changing your look make you feel like you're getting a fresh start? Does changing how you look on the outside make you feel better inside? What did you physically do to yourself to prepare for seeing your ex the first time post-breakup if anything? Soft questions, I know. But it is Christmas....
  23. Shaker
    Christmas came with some blues this morning, but my family has been great and patient and my friends have circled the wagons, so I feel lucky. And I'm also scared. I'm still hoping to hear from my ex, and I'm really worried about about how he'll react when he arrives at the apartment tomorrow and sees I've packed up my things. (I piled the boxes really neatly, and kept everything out of his way. Didn't leave a note, but was tempted.) Still daydream about meeting him at the airport in a santa suit, or giving him a heads-up about what he'll be walking into tomorrow. NC is hard.
  24. Shaker
    You guys are awesome. I've loved reading through the posts. It's really helping me through a tough time. Still haven't heard from the ex myself, so I kind of feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but all of the positive energy and well-wishes on this site are definitely making me stronger. Crank on some tunes, superdave? I think it's time for a tribute to James Brown. Get on up.
  25. Shaker
    Hi sasha_faye, I completely understand wanting your stuff back, especially because sending it would look like reciprocity. And be fair. But break-ups are hardly ever reciprocal in any way, so don't expect to receive a parcel. You might get your stuff down the road, or maybe it has been thrown away. Maybe he's enshrining it Glad to hear you're sticking to NC though, and maybe you should treat yourself to shopping when the post-holiday sales are on to get new stuff.
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