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Shaker

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  1. Shaker
    I'm wondering if any one else has gone through this: I've found myself in a state of mutual attraction with someone, and I'm not at all ready to pursue a relationship with him because my long-term romance ended only a couple of months ago. I've been open about where I'm at emotionally. Thing is, we've been sort of close to sharing a kiss, which I regret resisting. I'm worried that I resisted kissing him because I'm holding on to feelings for my ex (even though I don't think this is the case), and I'm also worried that I want to kiss him because I want to overwrite the fact that the last kiss I shared was with my ex. I guess I don't want to live in a state of 'preserving things' I had with my ex. This sounds like my attention is still on my ex, but honestly, I really do dig this new guy. So the other layer is that I worry about what's best for him. Thoughts?
  2. Shaker
    Pisces, Here's my 2 cents. When I feel that sense of loss you describe, I've had to ask myself what is really missing? I realized that my version of my ex didn't match up with the person I had really lost. My ex in my mind was this great and wonderful person. The fellow that left me made me question what I had really lost. The thing I came to grieve the most was the 'version' I had to let go of, not the person who let me down.
  3. Shaker
    Like what, Charley?
  4. Shaker
    I got the same speech, more or less. I took it to mean it's over. "Down the road" didn't appeal to me because the bottom line will always feel like "You walked away wanting something better".
  5. Shaker
    DG, The sweet girls are out there, and sometimes in bars. It's funny, but last Saturday night I felt the same way about the bar scene. I went out with a friend (a sweet girl), and no one wanted anything to do with us....especially after they asked what we do. Nonetheless, I recognize it was just an unfortunate night and had a good laugh about it with my equally dismayed friend.
  6. Shaker
    Shoes, The 'bottom line' is that you learned not to go in the chatroom. Look, I know it feels like whenever we (as dumpees) mess up with our exes (show anger, break NC, go into chatrooms!) it only 'proves' our exes were right to dump us in the first place. Or should hate us. What I think it really proves, though, is that we're human. We're vulnerable. We make mistakes. We make them because we care(d), and are hurt. These things should be understandable. How are you doing now? littlebylittle, Honeyspur's advice is great. It's all about creating new patterns of thinking and action. Hard, but possible. Day 9 for me: It's been far easier keeping NC when I don't hear at all from my ex (and I still haven't). Although cyber snooping on him isn't possible, with both know each other's schedules very well, and from the start I worked on revamping mine so there wouldn't be any run-ins. I go out to different places (good suggestions, HoneySpur!), socialize with different people, and stopped (long ago now) going back to the neighborhood he's still in. All of this helps. It feels so much better to be doing No Contact to improve my life for me, rather than doing it to be more appealing to my ex (which had been in the back of my mind when I started all of this). Good luck to everyone today! Sandy, hope all is well.
  7. Shaker
    What I notice right away? First, I notice how he carries himself. Eye contact, smile, posture, body language. Then, I notice how he interacts with me. Does he ask questions, does he interrupt me, etc. And eventually I pay attention to how he interacts with other people (the waiter, for instance, if we're out on a date).
  8. Shaker
    End of Day 8 Today was great. No rollercoaster of feelings. No self-doubt. Just a good day. I feel like I'm stabilizing. I'm worried about when the next bump is coming. Fingers crossed. Good to hear tj, boston, and ahhhhh also had good days. Must be in the air. xo
  9. Shaker
    KR, You are wrong. Let it go, if you can. If you can't ignore the note, at least give it a few days before replying. In terms of healing, the note is taking away from your time and mental space. Put the energy into the few girls you're getting to know. You won't look like a jerk. Just like someone who is moving on.
  10. Shaker
    Tony, Sorry it didn't go the way you had hoped, but I'm glad you're seeing the silver lining.
  11. Shaker
    Shoes, This is going to sound a little weird, or silly at best. Notice how your heart's voice is defending your ex, and practically speaking for her? So, it's like your ex is occupying this big, central space in your body! No wonder letting go seems impossible. I wonder if it's possible to train your heart to say "I've loved her and now I love myself more" or "I'm the kind of heart that doesn't want to be put on hold" or "I'm so capable of such great and deep and powerful love and I want to meet a heart just like me"? By the same token, I get your desire to wait it out. And I think your sense of unconditional love is fabulous. I just wish you sent some of it your own way, too. (Sorry, it's pre-coffee for me and I'm a little goofy)! Beginning of Day 8 for myself. This is typically the hard stretch for me, and when day 15 comes around without contact, I'll be very happy because that'll mean a new personal record. I'll post before I do anything rash this time, but have also taken measures based on past slip-ups so we'll see how well I've protected myself. Feeling: good. Doing what to feel better: drinking caffeine, sleeping, excercising, housework, contacting friends Goodluck this week!
  12. Shaker
    Oh, DG. You're hard enough on yourself for the rest of us. You know what I think? I think next time you get the nerve to call her, you should post first. And I think you shouldn't see this as such a failure or a set-back. You responded emotionally in a charged situation. Completely understandable. Hell, blocking you is just as silly. So, hop back on the NC bandwagon. Dust yourself off. And be glad that at least, in the very least, you're not heartless.
  13. Shaker
    End of Day 7, third time's a charm I've been returning to the issue of trust today (thanks for the empathy, Parsley!), and I think the result of the break-up for me is that my faith in my ex is forever broken, but this doesn't extend beyond that relationship. I still feel secure in my friends, family, and the lofty ideas I have of what the future might be like for me. What it does imply is that although I'd really thought at times I would be able to be friends with my ex at some point down the line, I now know I can't do this. I have faith in my friends that they love me unconditionally, and are in it for the long-haul, etc. I'm sad, a little, but I also feel I have a better sense of what I'm grieving. It's the rupture of one possibility, not of my whole world view. Is that an upside?!
  14. Shaker
    Yay! Congrats, Parsley. You're a graduate! I feel like you should throw a cap up in the air or get a marching band or something! I'm doing pretty well. I still run through a rainbow of emotions during the day, but for the most part I feel on top of things. I'm certainly learning a lot about myself, and am trying to come out the other end of this mess without being hardened to love or cynical or untrusting. I think I'm on track, but I worry that my options for future romance are slim...if my recent dates are any indication!
  15. Shaker
    If it's urgent, your ex will find of way of getting in touch with you via letter or email or answering machine or common friends. Don't take the calls.
  16. Shaker
    Boston, You're my study buddy today. It's official. I also have a heap of work to get through, and can't focus as well as I'd like to. So we're in this together, and I expect PROGRESS!
  17. Shaker
    Hail, I'm sorry to hear that this situation has you down. Here's a story, followed up with the moral....we'll call it "Aren't all fairytales grim?, or A Short History of Shaker's Long-term Relationships": 1. Boyfriend #1 left Shaker when he decided he liked her friend better. He doted on Shaker's friend for a month or so following the break-up, only to find his 'love' unrequited. His lesson?: make sure it's in the bag. 2. Boyfriend #2 cheated on Shaker with one of her friends that she thought of as a kid sister. He was remorseful, but dug his own grave. Their relationship never lasted beyond one night. 3. Boyfriend #3 shared a flat with many women. Wise Shaker jumped the gun when he talked about being tempted by one of the women, and left him. (There were other reasons, of course). 4. Boyfriend #4 (the current ex) cheated on Shaker with a girl she's met a couple of times, but wouldn't call a friend. They're together still. The moral of the story: all of my breakups have involved an ex diving headfirst into another relationship. It sucks to think of them with other people, but what sucks even more is that they're willing to gamble on a stranger, or a fantasy, rather than you. If it's any help, it didn't work out for any of them, and they all (with the exception of the last one) wanted to give things another go (and I never did because I couldn't forgive being left in the first place). What I learned? Have less attractive friends. Expect to be cheated on. KIDDING!!! But monogamy is important to me, and I need to be looking for a guy that shares that value. My advice is don't fall into imagining what may or may not be happening with your ex and someone else. Instead, think about the knowns. That you will find love again. That you have experienced love before. And that you are in control of your thoughts, your passions, and your life....
  18. Shaker
    DG, I think your email will do the job. I'm with ellie on this one: You could start the email with "i'd like to find..." and ditch the apologetic and defensive bits. Also, I'd drop the exclamation point from the end. It seems....ironic given the nature of the rest of the beast.
  19. Shaker
    Day 7, Round 3 (ding ding ding) We're both in our corners, both doing NC. I was coerced into going out last night by a friend (who used the 'because it's Saturday night' logic on me), but really wanted to stay in and work. It dawned on me how much I hate the singles scene, especially in bars. Today, I have an impending "thing" that seems to be something like a date with the "sexy" former employee I posted about earlier. I was excited about this a couple of days ago, but some time last night I started feeling funny. I think it's probably a bad idea for a bouquet of reasons.... Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. I've been back on track with work, rest, and play (everything is balanced now) and I'm happy.
  20. Shaker
    Shoes, I'm so sorry that you were up last night, and were upset. How are you doing now? Were you able to get some shut-eye? Why do you think your heart won't let go? What is it 'saying' to you? Boston, Ahhh, the weight issue. I'm a non-size since my break-up. A size zero. I get what you mean about being worried about your health. I eat a lot of food, like, buckets of very healthy stuff but was still losing weight because of being awake more hours, and running my feet off. I stopped losing weight thanks to cake, alcohol, and cheese (the last has always been a favourite, the cake and booze are just for now to up my calories....).
  21. Shaker
    Parsley, Your posting is pretty funny, and I can completely understand not wanting to broadcast that to your friends! Sorry to hear that the show got your wheels turning, though. How are you doing otherwise?
  22. Shaker
    What if you get to stay in the apartment, find a roommate, and ask her to move? Since so much of her family is in the area, she has options....and blood-related movers! Would that work? (even as a card to play to force her to choose between living with a roommate or moving out herself?) (You won't get very far with the dog issue, unfortunately.)
  23. Shaker
    Okay. So you're on the lease. I can say from my own experience of being dumped and on the lease that I went through the landlord (not my ex) to broker a deal. Because of the circumstances, the landlord ripped up the lease and got my ex to sign a new one. Talk to your landlord about the situation, and see if it's possible for YOU to sublease your 1/2 of the space. If so, tell your ex it's her choice: 1. She can move out and also sublease. 2. She can take a roommate. 3. She can live alone and foot the bill.
  24. Shaker
    DG, I wish I had some great advice for you. This is a sticky situation. What sort of agreement did you make with her about the rent, however informal? Are you on the lease? If you haven't made any promises to her about the money, and there's nothing legally binding, I think you ought to give her notice that she's going to have to pay her own way. I also think you should get your stuff back. In a way, I think perhaps you didn't take it the first time because not only were you helping her, but you had some kind of presense in her space. I say this because you're upset by her attitude toward the sentimental property she's buried. I'm concerned that you might end up without your stuff altogether, and if that's okay with you, let it go. If not, you have a couple of choices. Leave it with her until she moves, or set up a time to go get it (when she's not around). Either way, if you haven't communicated you want it back, you need to do so at some point. The dog is also tricky. Who owns it? Can she afford the vet bills, the food costs, etc.? Does she have the time to invest in caring for it? If not, maybe she'll part with it. You seem to be suggesting 'joint custody.' I think that's a big mistake.
  25. Shaker
    You can make it work the second time. You have to be honest with yourself about what went wrong and why, and be willing to change your methods. It will be a different relationship.
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