Jump to content

Shaker

Bronze Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    237

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by Shaker

  1. Shaker
    Hi Guys and Dolls, I miss y'all, and I'm so glad to see the support and strength surfacing on the board still. (I've never been a vet before!, but I can say that completing the challenge really helped me, and I still feel glad I did it. No regrets, lots of new happiness and rediscovered happiness, and still some bits and pieces of sadness about breakups in general, my breakup in particular, too....Hard that we're in a world where people cut bait, look for greener grass, don't like to do necessary work on relationships....and yet coming here and seeing the kind of community and love and generosity between strangers does my heart so good!). Enjoy the rest of your weekend, chin up, count those days, and celebrate your accomplishments.
  2. Shaker
    Rosie, I remember feeling that way, too...that everyone was hearing from their exes, or having some kind of way of communicating (even if it was only over the web). Mine certainly wasn't chomping at the bit to see me, and really, I think I was better off because of it (even though it didn't feel that way at the time). What it made me realize is that I wanted to feel like, or be, the kind of woman who is unforgettable to some one...and that wasn't going to be the case with my ex. TJ, I'd suggest you keep it cool. Don't pursue her. Also, remember that one break up is rough, more than one with the same person gets even more difficult. And think carefully about whether she deserves another shake at things; she did break your heart, and there are 19 year olds in the world who are more sensitive about that sort of thing......
  3. Shaker
    Rosie Congrats on making it through the challenge! I've been so happy to see you progress through the 30 days, while also lending so much of yourself to the struggles and successes of the other posters. How are you doing now? And Kate, how are you holding up?
  4. Shaker
    Getting over the pain and betrayal: I guess part of it is simple. I really do believe I didn't deserve it. I've never believed that cheating is "just human nature" because I need to have faith in faithfulness. And the other part is feeling like his choice to be with someone else has little to do with me. I know/knew there was love between us, but I also know that the world has a lot to offer in terms of types of love for all of us, and I guess I wasn't the right fit for what my ex was looking for. Loving someone else makes more sense to him. That's something I'm okay with; I'd rather that he made a move based on love than on hate, or because he's a careerist, or because he was depressed, etc. The hardest part: the sense I had of him before he cheated is not how he presented himself in the moment when he made the choice to cheat, and end our relationship. So, I'm still grieving who I thought he was. And what I thought I meant to him. I wish we had broken up before he moved on. That's why I'm reluctant to be friends with him. I lost trust in him, and like him less as a person than I did when I thought he'd never cheat.
  5. Shaker
    So, I'm posting more today about what it was like to see my ex after the challenge. I needed a day or two to think about it, let it simmer. Here's what I have. I wasn't angry when I saw him (which I'd expected to be). I still found him attractive, even, and that's also a hard place to be in. And, it was really easy to talk with him. We know how to make each other laugh, what stories to tell, and have a long, common history. It was strange being confronted with the person that I felt I knew in November before the cheating, before our world fell apart. He was sitting accross the table from me, only slightly changed: by the end of the night he was apologetic for cheating, apologetic for not appreciating me, apologetic for blaming. Beyond that, he took the time to say what he feels and sees in retrospect by the end of our chat. Lots of nice, mushy stuff. He seemed to really mean what he was saying. The agenda: So, he came by and picked me up on time. We went out and small-talked for about an hour. Then he slickly moved the conversation to one of my hobbies. I excitedly talked about it with him for a while, and then he offered to take me on a daytrip around the hobby. At this point, I said very clearly that it seemed like rekindling was on the agenda for him, and it wasn't for me. I explained why. He accepted my response. We talked about who we've been dating. His relationship didn't work out, and I guess he's reflecting now on what he wants in a partner, and (cliche!) misses what we had. He's really confused and sad about lots of pieces in his life right now, and wanted a friend (and who knows him better than me) to bounce some ideas off of. He asked questions about my relationship. We talked about our families and friends. We talked a little bit about why our relationship didn't work. What could have happened differently. Didn't want to do too much of that. I kept the chat geared toward the present, and didn't feel comfortable talking too much about personal things. I explained this to him, too. He was teary. It was hard to face. He took me home and we chatted outside for a long while. I think he wants to be friends still. And I don't know if it's in me to do that, if I'll ever like him enough for that. Besides, as long as rekindling is on his agenda, it's best to take more time and space apart. So, I didn't give him my new number (and thank goodness he didn't ask for it). I did offer to be available for a chat if he still has the blues and needs a friendly ear. That's maybe it. Since then, I've felt tired again by the breakup. I've thought about him more, but I'm not longing for him. Just revisiting regrets, I guess.
  6. Shaker
    Hey, y'all. It's so cool to see everyone responding to each other. Rosie: it's incredible that from the space you're in, you're still up for reaching out. Awesome! Rosie: Enjoy your coffee date. Really. Open mind, and all the rest. And yes, you will meet someone who will put Rex to shame (if shame was a country, he'd already be the grand poobah). Scrembledeggs: Trying to fool yourself? Well, yes, there's something artificial about the '30' day challenge. And you'll have work to do when you get to that number. All of us have had things to deal with still. And the day to day stuff does feel a little false, too: because what you're doing is programming new habits and patterns of behavior. They'll start feeling real at some point, but it takes a while to force them, do them, repeat them. rsxguy: Glad to hear you're enjoying the ladies. I was amazed when my relationship blinders fell off because I actually started noticing hot, interesting men. Hadn't seen them when I was dating. A great space to be in. Yum. lovesickk: weekends are definitely hard. i suggest you fill your social calendar, and pass over your cell phone to a friend if you've been drinking. Drunk dials=bad. 'Scenes' at a club=ick.
  7. Shaker
    Thanks, guys. (He's been single for 2 1/2 years. We've known each other professionally for 8 months or so, and are both on the same page about how seriously we're taking things. I'm the first girlfriend he's introduced his daughter to, so it's new territory for him and her.) Doblersdream: Thank you for sharing your experience. I'll continue taking his lead about all of this.
  8. Shaker
    I'm still dating the man who is the father of an 8 yr old girl, and we've been together for a month now. We're having fun together, and he's been great about giving his daughter and me space to bond 1-on-1, while also insisting on having activities that the 3 of us do together. His ex knows about the relationship, and she is supportive. The problem is: the three of us (me, my boyfriend, and his daughter) went away for the weekend together for a family function. I had my own room, and my main squeeze shared a room with his daughter. Everything went well, until it was time to come home. When we got back to town, I went home, and he took her to her mother's house before heading off to his place. During that evening, the reality of her parents not getting back together hit her--HARD. I haven't seen her this week, in part because we figured it was best to give her a good dose of father-daughter time so she realized that wasn't being threatened...and in part, because although she likes me, she sees me as being in the way of her mom's happiness. She's been told by both of her parents that I'm not a replacement, just an addition. I don't know what to do, and would love any feedback.
  9. Shaker
    Talk to your gyno about your concerns. Some women are in a higher risk category (age/smoking/circulatory problems/heart/family history of stroke, etc.), so you should talk to your doc about your history. Also know that there is a risk involved. Also ask if herbal treatments, dietary change, and sleep or fitness changes could help you out.
  10. Shaker
    I dated someone with erection problems. He had been abused, so it took him several months to be fully comfortable with me. Plus, he had sustained some nerve damage through pro sports... For what it's worth from a gal's point of view, it didn't make me see him any differently. Still thought he was a virile hunk. Still had a great time.
  11. Shaker
    Update: I saw my ex. He wanted to get back together. I explained why that won't happen. Can't happen. He accepts my decision. We had a good, long chat (a few hours): about what we've been doing, about why our relationship didn't work, about the girl he's dating, about human behavior/global politics/religion, etc. I don't know what more to say.
  12. Shaker
    Update: I finished the challenge a couple of weeks ago. I've since heard from my ex a few times, and didn't respond until I received his most recent email this morning. He has remorse about leaving me. Funny. I didn't reply to any of that business. Just said that 'yes, this week works for a chat.' He needs a friend to talk with about some big changes he's facing, he has a monstrous case of the blues, and although I wish he turned to someone else (like the other woman), I suspect it's hard for him to ask me for anything now. I know what that feels like. So, I agreed to see him this week to talk and be there for him as I'd hope he'd be for me if the tables were turned. (When they were, he was reasonably fair to me). [i also didn't ask for much because it was inappropriate]. What it really feels like, though, (and I'm writing this with those of you in mind who may want to hear from your exes): because I was dumped, even though he's coming to me for help, I feel like he'll be sitting in a place of judgment. I feel as though seeing me and talking with me is a way for him to check and prove to himself that he made the right choice when he singlehandedly dealt our lovenest and life together a deathblow! It's an awful 'room' to enter into (knowing/feeling like I'm still being judged), and I guess I'm willing to extend to him because what I could lose is some faith in my generosity (which I'd like to believe has room even for him!) and strength of being. Yuck. So I'll write y'all an update on my post-traumatic ex disorder once I see him and be a friend. Which I don't want to be. Hmmm.
  13. Shaker
    Pisces: I'm so very proud of your strength during the challenge. You have very good intuition about what's right for you, and how to get to the place you need to be. I hope that's something you take away from this! I really appreciated your postings, and watching you transform from seeming fragile to being gentle with all of us here. Congrats, and best of everything to you.
  14. Shaker
    Rosie: "Everyone should have a harem": Dare to dream! Glad to hear you didn't put yourself through that one. [speaking of which, once in a while, I have a dream where I'm diving in a pool complete with the US Nat. Men's diving team! ] Mike: Hard to say. I hope any future run-ins with my ex will be professional. Cordial. Acknowledge him. Maybe wave, but keep on movin'! Make busy. My general rule of thumb in life is to be polite...but that's different than nice! It's nice wearing a business suit.... I think you should let it rest. It sounds like you still feel you're in the right ("she was a jerk"), so apologizing isn't necessary.
  15. Shaker
    Deborita, What's going on? Explain a little more if you're up to it. It might help to write it out even if you don't want feedback or advice. Shoes, I'm tickled that you're hanging in, and would like to see you return to bliss and contentment. How can we do this? (I'm with Parsley on this one: the only favorable thing you've said about your ex is how much you care about her...which is probably saying more about your capacity to love than your ex anyhow!) Boston, I do have some advice on closure. Ready for it? I'll write in my SuperDaveyist voice: Only you can give yourself closure. It's not something you can reach with your ex, or a place you can arrive at with your ex. It comes only from you letting yourself move on. Now, back to regular programming. Here's my take: I get what it feels like to be torn. On the one hand, closure can never, ever come because a break-up is a kind of wound that will never heal. There's something 'cut short' about breakups that doesn't allow us to organically process the love we share (or think we share) with our partners. [sorry if this is bleak]. Break-ups are abrupt. Usually. And we resist them. Usually. Resisting hurt is sensible, and closure means letting yourself accept the hurt: but only to an extent. You can't eradicate yourself. You can't talk yourself out of the faith and love you felt, because then what's left? BUT [here's the silver lining] on the other hand, closure can simply mean giving yourself permission to close the door on your ex. Giving yourself permission to understand there really is nothing left to say. Giving yourself permission to come to terms with the fact that you are now your own best, most-willing audience to any speeches you'd give your ex. You're flying solo. It's sort of like a bonsai tree, or something plant-like! The bit of your sense of things has sort of been chopped away, but your energy, concern, growth can move in all kinds of new directions. The 'plant' is the same (still you), the relationship's been trimmed off (ouch!), and now there's a whole bunch of lifeforce to create new growth. Branch out, Boston! Update on me today: Things are good. I haven't written back to my ex. I've been very busy, and happily busy with other things. New romance is a little on the backburner this week, but I'm hoping to get a dose of romance on the weekend. It's funny, but the new romance awakened me to how much I was simply tolerating or putting up with in my former lt relationship. I'm so inflexible right now and defensive of my needs (after years of being ramrodded), and my new guy and I happen to have a lot in common so it's easy. Plus, and this part you'll probably roll your eyes at, I've never been this content. Everything has been really surprisingly easy, fun, carefree--and also really intense. So, yes, there is life and love after a break-up (and I would have argued with myself on this a couple of months ago). Hugs to all.
  16. Shaker
    Macgyver4ever: Do you plan to go out with the dog owner again? It's almost like a date that belongs in "Something about Mary". So, I've noticed at the end of your posts you list your emotional states. What's your plan to get from where you're at today to a list that looks something like: Happy, Confident, Fulfilled, Energetic, and Giving?
  17. Shaker
    Pisces, Have you thought about how you'll celebrate? Do you think you'll stick with nc once the challenge is over? Why/why not? Rosie, "Maybe I don't belong here. Sure, I'm getting comfort here. And I know that NC is just as important for me as it is for people who actually were with someone who loved them back. But maybe I don't belong here and, I don't know what. Not sure what I'm getting at." You do belong here; I was in a relationship where my ex told me he loved me, but in retrospect it was very lopsided. The challenge isn't about how much you were or weren't loved by someone else; it's about loving yourself. That's how our success is measured. And, and! you seem to be doing a fab job of thinking through things.
  18. Shaker
    Mariab: my ex waited a loooooooong time to ask if i was okay. i'm sorry it hurts. sometimes it's hard for people post break-up to deal with more than just the bare facts; the personal and emotional stuff is confusing, and often the exes worry about sending mixed signals, or getting an earful!
  19. Shaker
    Hi Babes, Great to hear you're on the mend, Boston and Parsley. Houdini: Sad love songs. Yikes. A couple of weeks after my breakup I was sitting at my best friend's kitchen table, we were chatting away and listening to music. Whenever a 'love song' came on, she would press the skip button. It was so sweet--and so sad that she felt on eggshells--we both laughed until we cried. A turning point? About 3 weeks later, I was walking by a gas station with Nancy Sinatra belting out about her walking boots. Ruby: It's tough not responding to contact. I'm like Parsley on this: when I used to hear from my ex, I'd crumble after a day or two. This time, post challenge, I'm well-armored and not interested in engaging in conversation with him. Sounds like you've got this under control! Mariab: Cleansing. I like the sounds of that. Reclaiming space. Making room for new experiences. Sounds great! Update on me: today's around day 37. Feeling fit as a fiddle, organized, focussed, can laugh about my ex now with my friends and family that just shake their heads at me! Plus, my new romance is an absolute delight. How long does the honeymoon stage last? So far, so good...Very good!
  20. Shaker
    Out of curiosity, why are you 'humoring' your ex? It sounds a lot like your questions and thoughts about being friends have to do with power dynamics, making sure that you're not going to be vulnerable again and get hurt... No 'friends' should really make you feel this way. My ex wants to be friends with me because we'd invested a lot of time and energy into getting to know each other, and like aspects of each other as people. Of course! That's why we dated for so long... My guess is for a lot of couples, even after a break up you don't want to lose the good bits and pieces that existed between you. And being friends looks like a way to preserve that, while sidestepping the issues that make you not work as a couple. I can't be friends with my ex at this point because of the dynamics between us generated by the break up: I don't trust him as I once did, I don't respect him as much as I once did, and my real friends are so much easier to deal with: so, although the history b/w me and my ex is appealing (there were good times), my present day life is good without him. And I don't know what an awkward friendship would really give me at this point. Him, I suppose. In a new capacity. A chance to see him in a new light. A chance for him to see me. I don't need any of it. I need solid friends. I don't need to be baited through emails, I don't need to feel like he's testing the waters, I don't need to take on his burden that he might have made a mistake. Onward and upward, I say.
  21. Shaker
    SadOldMan, Congrats on today's milestone. I'm glad to hear you're on the mend and enjoying life. Rosie, Actually, I think it is detached because you realize that what you idealize in terms of a place to be with him is different from what is / would likely be. ie: "the way I dream of" is not "the way we'd always imagined it would be", etc. Power on, guys.
  22. Shaker
    GuiltyMike: Welcome to the challenge. Sleepless nights are definitely something we've all had. Sorry to hear about your break-up. It sounds like a good move to keep NC.
  23. Shaker
    This is funny. I finished the challenge a few days ago, and have been reading bits of things on the forum, while taking a bit of a break from posting. My ex wrote to me today. We haven't been in touch at all for over a month, and I knew at some point I'd hear from him. I just didn't know what the reason would be. He sent me a brief update on his life, and asked for me to get in touch with him (when it's convenient) to tell him how my things are going. Sounds like he just wants to touch base, and that his 'let's be friends' hope is still alive. I feel neutral about the email. I don't feel upset, or angry, or sad. Just flatlining. And I don't know why. In the past, I'd get really worked up when he'd contact me. And now nothing. Anyway, that's my update.
  24. Shaker
    Pisces: Thanks so much. You've been such a support to me as well, and I really appreciate your sense of community and commitment to improving your life. Egyptian cotton. I mean, come on! Parsley: The bag is funny. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more. (Yep: Monty Python). Glad to hear you've been feeding ducks. I've been enjoying walking around a duck pond myself lately. Good for contemplation. It's warmer today than it has been, so there are other sorts of birds around as well that I haven't seen for a while. It's nice to recognize animal life, and hear birdsong! (Better than the pigeons that used to wake me up....) Deborita: Glad to hear you're doing so well. Hang tight! Scrembledeggs: I know what you mean about the restlessness. A crazy thing that I did that really helped was to create rituals. Make a big cup of tea and leave off work until I had finished it. I bought small candles that took about 10 minutes to burn out, and when I was really edgy, I'd light one and take the time to rest and think and be as still emotionally/mentally as possible. Letting myself be (instead of worrying about my ex or all the things I had to or should be doing) was a saving grace. Yep. So that's my advice. Consider making wacky rituals, or just give yourself permission to be still.
  25. Shaker
    Boston: Yay! Congrats on making it through the challenge. So happy to read your post, and yes, you've come a long way, baby! I complete agree that this process is humbling at first...but I'm encouraged by your strength.
×
×
  • Create New...