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Shaker

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  1. Shaker
    Hi, NCers. Beginning of Day 6 (take 3) feels like most other days- full of potential. The only monster I'm dealing with today (and he's a small one) is that before sleep last night, I decided to read a women's magazine and came accross an article on 'how to keep the spark alive'. I got a little teary (realizing that all-yes! every single one!- of the 'mistakes' listed I was totally guilty of committing). I decided to call it a night. No more 'light' reading. No more blaming myself, either. Hearing from the ex has been oh-so-bad for keeping NC. Here's what I've done to prevent it: 1. I have him filtered on my email account. This means while I still get the emails he sends, they're separate from everything else in my inbox so I don't see them until I'm good and ready. 2. He doesn't have my new phone number, and it's unlisted. 3. We shared a gym, but I've switched my membership. Even if I was going when I wouldn't run into him, I was still seeing some people we both know. Looking after me has been oh-so-good for keeping NC. Here's what I'm up to these days: 1. I subscribed to a magazine about one of the sports I do and have enjoyed reading through the tips (and getting fun mail). 2. I'm back on track for sleeping through the night. But I've also decided to revamp my bedroom some time in the next couple of weeks to make it sexy (not just functional). 3. I spend lots of long hours alone working. And when I can focus, I've fallen back in love with what I do. 4. I met a cute boy who teaches guitar...and I'm figuring out a barter for lessons. I'm thinking about cooking up meals as an exchange. That's about it for an update.
  2. Shaker
    End of Day 5, Take 3 I wish I could spend a night at home and feel peacefully content. I feel relaxed, and I'm not tempted to call the ex, but there are a few dashes of sadness mixed in me right now, and the weekend always feels like a big, looming obstacle course. It's when I usually hear from my ex (probably because he's not as busy with work), and when I go out with new men and know that I'm working hard at staying busy.
  3. Shaker
    Sandy, I'm so glad for the update. I was wishing you the best, and still am. You sound strong. Ramsickle, The work thing definitely throws a wrench into NC. I'd add to the list of 'no emotional stuff' and 'no physical stuff' 'no superfluous stuff'. Keep your interactions business related as much as possible. Parsley, Congrats! I'm envious. Today is only day 5 for me again since last weekend's upset (I unexpectedly ran into my ex when I was drunk as a skunk about a week ago, and it wasn't pretty....nor were the emails he sent me that followed....and I buckled and replied to one of them on Sunday.)
  4. Shaker
    Shoes, I feel the same way. I'm struggling to get myself back. Getting the ex back is an impossible task; getting ourselves back? It's going to happen. Slowly, but worth every minute...
  5. Shaker
    Hi, Shoes. Because you regret breaking No Contact every time you do, maybe next time you feel the itch to break it, you should look at your posts about how you feel afterwards. I think starting to get rid of the letters and that sort of thing is a good step to be taking. And if there are things you're not willing to part with yet, box them up and get them out of sight. STOP reading her email. You've learned all there is to learn from snooping, and have lost respect for her. I don't want you to keep losing respect for yourself by violating her privacy, and feeling the 'need to know'. You don't. All you need right now is to spend some quality 'you' time. If that's going to the movies with friends, hitting a dance club and groovin' till it hurts, or splurging on a spa day....do it. And find ways to cope with the blues in the evenings. I have to say that today was the first day I woke up without thinking about my ex. First time in years, probably. I have since thought about him since then, but my first thoughts were mine. I think it's largely due to working everyday at filling the holes my ex left behind with new people, new projects, and space for persuing old interests. Does this help?
  6. Shaker
    Shoes, Today, I found myself talking to people who claimed they knew their partners were right for them almost off the bat. Practically love at first sight. No need for comparision shopping. I'm not sure that this is the healthiest ideal, but I'd rather find love-at-first-sight than cold feet----especially if I myself prefer wearing comfy shoes. Welcome back to the land of NC, where the biggest lost opportunity according to today's posts is clarity of mind/freedom of thought. Damn those exes! Update on Day??? Here's something personal and probably inappropriate! It's been over a month since my break-up, and today for the first time (despite the apparent motivation behind my dating misadventures) I realized I have a sex-drive still. Yikes! Poor Shaker was out with a friend....okay, an attractive friend....okay, not so much a friend as former employee.....and felt so, so, so.....impure. Talk about taboo! I completely avoided talking about how we knew each other, etc. (Nothing happened other than a pleasant conversation, and the really weird reminder that I can be attracted to someone who is not my ex).
  7. Shaker
    Pisces, I'm sorry to hear you're down. Is it possible for you to take off for the weekend now that your apartment is set up? When I went away for a weekend alone to the closest big city, it really helped. Also, having people in my new place was a really good thing. I was worried I wasn't going to be a good hostess, but it's amazing what company (and wine! lol) can do to lift one's spirits.
  8. Shaker
    Tony, A few thoughts your post. "Try"ing to look like a healed, whole person in these interactions means you think you're running a con on your ex. I'd like you to reach a place where you really feel this; I wonder what a whole work week would be like if you just lived purely for yourself....Not to maintain a certain image for your ex, not to hold open the door of possibility for reconciliation. But just did things for you under the pretense that there isn't any possibility other than to live with yourself for the rest of your days..... It would be an interesting experiment, maybe? About contacting her: I'm going to say it's too early, even though I fully appreciate the fact that you know your situation best. What I would want in your ex's shoes is not just evidence that you're holding yourself together for a few weeks, but to see actual, real change. This takes time. SD is going to thump me for this last bit, but here goes. If none of this 'live for yourself because that's all you have' advice doesn't sit right with you, then I'd suggest making a list of concrete ways you could act less selfishly, in your life and in your next relationship. Be very specific. If 'charity' is something you need to incorporate in your life, consider volunteer work. If taking the admin assistant for granted at your work is something you do, bring in flowers for her. If you always planned dates with your ex around your schedule and budget, write a note (TO YOURSELF) about what you'd do differently. That sort of thing.
  9. Shaker
    Nick t, I've gone on almost a dozen dates since my split a month ago, and always with people I hardly know. That way, it was fun meeting them and enjoying an evening out, but I didn't feel like the emotional investment was great for anyone involved. I'm not ready to plunge into a new relationship either, and only had one simple cheek kiss in all this time (which is about all I can take)....but it does feel good getting out there.
  10. Shaker
    My new goal is to keep NC until at least a week after Valentine's Day even though today I feel like I might do it forever. If I make it through the anniversary and the holiday, then I should be named a saint! I feel fairly solid emotionally today, but I have noticed a general impatience creeping into me over the last couple of days, which is really out of character. I've also noticed I still have the attention span of a gnat....and that's meddling with the quality of work I've BUT that being said, I'm working on a couple of personal goals that the break-up made me face: 1. I hate accepting help from people (even when the people are friends) 2. I hate saying no to people who ask for help This week I've accepted help and refused to give it (okay, well, it was a small request, but it's a start!). How is everyone else doing this fine day?
  11. Shaker
    TJ and Parsley, I love it when you guys post. It's nice 'hearing' familiar 'voices'. TJ: Glad you're on an upswing. Parsley: But doesn't it restore your faith in love a little when you see it working for other people? (I'd feel so much worse if I thought the universe was built of misconnections....)
  12. Shaker
    i like the idea of sending myself flowers. or what about sending flowers to a stranger (someone at the hospital), a family member, or a friend? could even be fun to be a secret valentine this year. i went valentine's day shopping today for cards, and had enjoyed it. it's always been a fun day to celebrate for me, and it doesn't feel any different this year even though i'm single. actually, it's kind of nice thinking about the love that exists around you and acknowledging it.
  13. Shaker
    As a woman who has detached herself before, some of the signs after the break-up that I had moved on were these: -forgetting anniversaries/holidays that were important to us as a couple -not returning calls or letters -starting a serious relationship -reprioritizing my life -moving away I'm not sure there were 'signs' before the break-up. We talked openly about how we weren't working as a couple, and tried different approaches for 6 months or so.
  14. Shaker
    Day.....? Today is going well. It's the first day I let myself do things that aren't good for me, that aren't about becoming a better me, or standing strong alone. Like eating sugar. Skipping breakfast. Having a nap. Procrastinating. I feel good, but in a different way than I had been when everything was about (over) achievement in the early days of NC. Doesn't mean I'm giving up running, taking care of myself, or any of that. Just needed to feel like I can let things slip and still be okay. They are. I am. Or, at least I can forgive my flaws!
  15. Shaker
    You're right, ramsickle. That's in fact just what I needed to hear tonight. Thank you so much!
  16. Shaker
    Thanks ahhh2jz, and TonyMar75. I guess I feel it's not only the break-up I wish I could undo, but also the mistakes I've made since then....like telling him when asked that I may be open to being friends down the road, or staying in touch when I've broken NC, etc. The break-up keeps feeling more and more solidified, and at the end of the day, it sometimes feels not like I've accomplished another proud day of NC, but that I'm getting closer to 'never again.'
  17. Shaker
    I'm having a hard time with feelings about my ex tonight. I'm so sad about the fact that he moved on--from the moment of our split 6 weeks ago. The thing I can't stand about NC is that sometimes I think the longer I spend out of touch with him, the greater the chance is that he's going to fall in love with his new gal. Is there a window of opportunity that I'm messing up by keeping NC?
  18. Shaker
    A quick response to SD question of the day: Sometimes I'm 100% sure I've let go. I say all the typical things to myself (even platitudes like 'there's nothing there to return to', 'why settle for less than what you deserve', etc.). And once in a while I slip into feeling scared that I'll never be over this, and am 100% sure of that ('I should fight for him', 'I'll never love this much again', 'he's my soulmate'). So, I guess my answer is a little of both, and depending on what phase I'm in, I'm certain I'm right. Impossible, I know. But there it is.
  19. Shaker
    Way to go, Parsley! Pisces, Here are some practical things I did to help this place feel like home: 1. Stocked the cupboards with favorite foods, and made sure to cook really nice meals a few times a week 2. Invited people over for tea / coffee / wine 3. Sent around my new address to friends and family 4. Bought a new houseplant 5. Learned where all of the lightswitches are, the fuse box, when the garbage man comes, how to use the dishwasher, etc. 6. Did things in my new neighborhood like go to church, grocery shop, go to the convenience store, walk and jog around the neighborhood, hit the local sports bar, introduced myself to neighbours 7. Got a new dvd rental card from a local spot 8. Learned the bus routes 9. Allowed myself to sleep next to a pile of pillows until I didn't need to anymore! (It's hard after sharing a bed with someone for years....) 10. Joined a fitness group in my sport that meets nearby 11. Got a letter in the mail here 12. Put anything and everything that reminded me of my ex in storage 13. Did my first load of laundry here.... 14. And did the superdave dance around my apartment in my undies! Hope some of this helps. But the good thing about that hotel feeling? You can use as many towels as you want!
  20. Shaker
    Parsley, I can understand wanting to send a birthday note, but how do you think you would feel if you did? What would you expect (if anything) from your ex if you sent a card? What if this didn't happen? Pisces, It really does get better living away from the ex. It's taken me a while to sleep well and be happy here, but my new apartment is growing on me. Plus, it's great not having to clean up after or cook for my ex! Amazing how much time I have now! Day ???? I had a rough day this weekend after bumping into my ex and getting a couple of nasty emails from him. I wrote back, except to the last one which didn't need a response.....and I was in a funk for almost a day and a half, but I spent some great time alone and spoiled myself with pushing through some work, then doing some fun things on my own (and for myself), going for long walks, buying shoes, etc. I also went on a string of dates last week and over the weekend. One was disasterously terrible, one was boring and I was so glad when it ended!, one was fun and flirty and so easy, and the last one....well, we had a good laugh and like each other as friends. I know I'm not ready to date anyone seriously, but it's been nice meeting new people and filling my evenings. This week I don't feel the urgency to 'fill' time like I have since the break-up. I'm starting to feel like I am living just for me now, so I'm trying to take it a little easier (too many late nights for poor Shaker have her feeling a little worn). We'll see how a much less hectic social calendar feels....
  21. Shaker
    krnelson, I totally had weird dreams about my for about three weeks after the break-up whereas in the past they were much more fun. The dreams were stressful, made my sleep uncomfortable, and sometimes left me feeling crappy when I first woke up. To deal, I force myself to think about other things before falling asleep....but I think because we tend to push our exes out of our thoughts during the day, the info unfortunately gets dream-processed! It's a kooky theory, I know. About the picture: also experiencing something similar. My ex spends almost every day with the woman he cheated on me with. Even when we talked about our feelings, he's lied and said he's not seeing anyone. I think he's doing it for some combination of the following reasons: 1. he doesn't want me to be hurt 2. he doesn't want to deal with explaining himself 3. he doesn't think it's my business 4. he wants me to like him still 5. he wants to keep his options open
  22. Shaker
    Zombiain, If the concern was genuine, I think it's better to have asked your ex about her mom than to keep strict NC. Sure, you risk sending a mixed signal, but all you have to do now is stay firm about NC. I guess just think carefully about your motives for asking...
  23. Shaker
    Parsley: I'm glad the inbox is starting to feel normal for you, and the MySpace page is getting easier to look at. It's Day 8 for me, and I started the challenge 13 days ago. LUCKY 13!! In the middle of the night, as always these days, I woke up to thoughts of my ex tumbling around in my head like big, sticky snowballs. (Okay, it was also storming at the time). Why did he leave? What is he doing these days? etc. But there was one major difference. After about 45 minutes of going over the same things, I asked myself the million dollar question: would I take him back? No. Is there anything he could do to make me change my mind? A little more difficult, but still 'no'. What?? Well, for me the break-up is leading me to really work on myself and deal with some cold hard facts about how I date, who I date, what makes me happy, and what constitutes a good life. He isn't taking the break-up as an opportunity to reflect, grow, etc., but just to rebound and slide into the exact same patterns. In and of itself, this isn't terrible...but added along with how malicious, thoughtless, and arrogant he's been since the break-up....well, I guess there's the tipping point. The other thing I've been thinking about. Yesterday, one of my friends who I haven't seen since before the break-up told me I'm doing eerily well, and she was surprised because I'm such a sensitive and emotional person. I thought about what she said, and being well doesn't make me any less sensitive. SuperDave is right: it feels like a choice. I could be sensitive to the pain of a break-up, or I could be sensitive to all of the pleasures that life has to offer. And I choose Door #2. I choose to be excited by the snow on the ground, by my dates this weekend, by living life to its fullest. So today I'm doing the usual. I'm going to get some work done, run, do some chores, and see some friends tonight at one of my favorite bars.
  24. Shaker
    End of Day 7 Without getting into the details, something happened tonight that would have set me back a week ago. Instead, I realized I've let go of my ex. I had a fantastic day. Lots of fun. I feel great. I'm excited about things I'm doing and have planned. Sure, I'm cautious because I know that I may feel glum again. But as far as steps go, I took a bunch today and am very happy.
  25. Shaker
    I'm with luv on this one. I've been dating, but it's more about letting myself acknowledge that the world is full of possibilities--some good, some bad, some undecided. And I love people, I've just been in a bubble while in my last relationship. It's really kind of fun meeting men and having good conversations, or even bad ones you can laugh about later.
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