Shaker

Hope, Thanks for your reply. I'm sure you're right, but I totally hate feeling powerless. As for the new woman, he originally said that he just wasn't sure what he was going to do. I'm not sure what's happening with that, but I can't imagine that one night (even if it's a great night) can stack up against several years worth of great memories. Maybe I'm wrong. I can't help but think that if I had gone to the party instead of coming home, everything would be so different today. It seems like such a small, stupid thing. I've never been this sad...

Hi Bella 321, To answer your question, he doesn't know about my move. We haven't talked for a week now, or written. I always go through a wave of disappointment when I get in from a run because I immediately check my phone messages. But he hasn't gotten in touch at all. Our landlord (who lives in the building) didn't know either, so I had to break the news to him to get removed from the lease. The landlord had suspicions, though. Apparently my ex wasn't spending the night in the apartment the 2 days leading up to leaving for his Christmas holidays.... I do want reconciliation, and I can forgive him quite easily (actually, he told me about the cheating earlier in the day we broke up and although I was upset and we obviously had some issues to work out, I was okay.) Great advice from your therapist. I'll have to file that one away! The children issue I completely understand. For me, there are a number of things that are good reasons to end a relationship. I think my ex's reasons are stupid, but who doesn't? Thanks!

The apartment I looked at today won't work out for me after all. Another one off the list, and now I'm heading back to my family. I've thought more about my detachment. I'm wondering if it's because I'm deluding myself, and I feel okay because I'm convinced the relationship isn't really over. Dangerous, I know. For everyone reading this: when did you realize it was really over? Does it just take time? Are there signs I should look for to see if reconciliation is possible? Is NC on the part of the dumper a sign that it isn't? And a question for the dumpers: do any of you feel like you let the "right one" get away? How long did it take to realize this? What did you do about it (if anything)? Thanks!

Hope, Thanks for your comments. I didn't see it coming at all. We have an anniversary vacation coming up, and I was sure he was planning to propose (I still think I may have been right about that). The information I have about who he met: she was an acquaintance before Friday, he had a lot to drink after a stressful week, and spent the night at her place. She knows he has a girlfriend, and we may have even met at some point. He feels guilty, and because he did something out of character, pointed the blame at me. So here are..... The other reasons he gave for the split: 1. He doesn't like that as a couple living in this city for a few years now, we don't have a very solid social network, just mostly each other. He thinks I'm not very social, and that our dynamic as a couple (which is good) doesn't always translate into large group situations. 2. His romantic feelings for me have dwindled in the last 2 months, but he didn't tell me until the break up. 3. He's had doubts in the past about the relationship and feels like he was talked into staying. I like your question about being detached. It really made me think. Thanks! About 6 months after we first started dating, I had to move to a new country for school. He secured a career here and followed, leaving behind everything he knew. It was a great "grand gesture", but I had already settled into life here and was nervous about how he would deal with leaving behind friends and family (I've moved a lot, so my buddies are already scattered!). He seems to resent me and resent living here even though I never asked him to come. I keep returning to the question of whether or not I should try a grand gesture myself. Although I've thought about getting tickets to fly out for a weekend to neutral territory together--get some sun!--or something like that, I don't know if I can handle another knock right now. (ie: invite him to go away with me, and have him say no cigar). So here's a question. Can grand gestures, like flying off to Paris, work? Has anyone tried this? What's the difference between desperate and romantic? In response to your question, I don't feel detached, but I am working on detaching by moving out. My legs are shaking, I've cried, I don't have an appetite (but I've been eating little bits at every meal), I don't sleep well (but I turn out the lights every night and go to bed). I kept thinking all week that I hadn't heard from him because it's Christmas. Or I haven't heard from him because he needs time and space to think. Today I woke up realizing that he's the one who is detached. He hasn't been in touch because he doesn't want to be. He doesn't want to send mixed signals. He isn't rethinking anything. He's sure about the break-up. And as much as knowing all of that hurts, there isn't a heck of a lot I can do about it. So the grand gesture has become giving him what he wants, even though I wanted desperately to put up a big fight for him. I guess the bottom line was I didn't want a mate I had persuaded to be with me. And maybe grand gestures always lead to that if they happen post breakup. I'm of course hoping that he changes his mind. That he doesn't see me leaving as agreeing with him. That's where I'm at today.

An update (even though I'm starting to feel like I'm entering a confessional!) My packing is nearly done, and I looked at a bunch of apartments today. It's starting to look like I won't have a place to move my things because most of the leases start on january 1, so I'll probably have to come back here to move out the boxes...but I'll bring friends for muscle and make a batch of sangria for them. On the bright side, I think I found a place and I'm going back to see it tomorrow. I talked on the phone with my ex the day after the break up, and briefly again the following morning but not at all since then. No emails, either. We didn't discuss NC, but it feels like the right thing to do. It's been a week since the break-up. I'll keep you about the move and about who breaks NC first, (but I'm holding onto my stubborn guns thanks to the fabulous advice on these pages). Hope you all have a great Christmas.

Cures for lovesickness. Well, although talking about your situation can help, I find diversions work best. See you ex wife for dinner to get out of your apartment but don't waste a meal by talking about your recent ex-girlfriend. Find out what's new in your ex wife's life. Talk about some things you;re looking forward to in the future. That sort of thing. Or you can keep yourself busy (this is easy for me because I'm a workaholic). Know that you may not sleep well tonight, so treat yourself to a good book, or a couple of movies. Some way to pass the night. Or you can get out of town for a couple of days so that you're not paying attention to her movements. Or you could move (spoken from someone in the midst of that)!

This is harder than I thought. I'm packing things up, but I'm so filled with doubt that I'm doing the wrong thing. I want to turn around and head back home so I can deal with this when I'm feeling stronger--instead of exhausted and heartbroken.

I know this is naive, but I like to think that most people in relationships are in them for more noble reasons than being users. I think it's good that you're thinking about the positive aspects of the relationship still, but also thinking about the negative ones. Just a thought, but maybe you should be making plans for your Friday nights for a while because it'll help break the routine you're used to of spending them with him, and move you closer to independence?

Hi, Well, I drove half the night and came back to my apartment with a car full of boxes and packing supplies and a family member (to help lift things, including my spirits if need be, but I'm feeling eerily pulled together). For some reason I had been bracing myself for more surprises when I arrived--like my things already packed up, or the answering machine having a message from the new woman. But nothing here has changed, except the photos of us have all been turned face down, and there's a gift for me on my dresser. I sort of love incongruities. Thanks for your advice. I'll let you know how it goes this weekend. My landlord is letting me out of the lease. Who says you can't take sides?

Almost a week ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me over the phone and quite unexpectedly. We've been talking about marriage and were doing really well. The catalyst was that he went to a Christmas party the night before and met someone. The result: He wants to be my best friend (I don't). We live together, but are both with our families this week for the holidays. Although I want the relationship to be repaired, and expressed this to him, I'm thinking about driving to our apartment tonight, packing up, and trying to find a spot to move out to this weekend. He returns to our apartment next Tuesday, and part of me thinks it would be best if I've moved out all of my things before then so that we can have some space. I haven't told him about this because he hasn't been in touch since early Monday morning when we had a short small-talk conversation. Do I need to give him a head's up? If I leave, am I damaging the chances for reconciliation?

Hi, I think you should reply, but be brief. Write back "Merry Christmas to you and your family" and don't address the plea about getting back in touch in the New Year. Your feelings about the situation haven't changed, and he's not asking you to marry him.