Myknosis

Thanks for all the replies so far! I do feel that perhaps another significant other will come into my life. However, right now everytime I go out with someone I think of my ex. So I know that I am not ready for any type of relationship. I have never been a kind of person to hang out with friends but just spend time with my wife. However, I am learning that I have missed out on something that has enriched my life so far (i.e. friendships). Being independent and learning what my likes and dislikes are and exploring so many various types of activities (dancing, music, eating out) while having great friends to share these moments with has been a real eye opener. I do miss my ex though and I wish that this never would have happened. How does one balance friends, a significant other, and all the activities?

I feel like all my attempts to keep no contact with my ex is helping. I love her so much. She said that she left to find herself yet she is has given no hope of return. Everyone says "Time will heal". Well I've been out with awesome friends and created new ones. But I still think of my ex. It's going on three months now since the divorce (7 years marraige). Is there anyone here who has any really good ideas on moving on with life without a significant other?

I just sent my ex-wife the most difficult e-mail I ever wrote. I told her that I cannot be firends with her and that we cannot contact each other any longer. I had to do this because I have too many emotions and feelings every time she sends an e-mail or calls me. I can't be friends because she was always more to me than that. She recently divorced me after seven happy years so that she could "find herself." I feel like someone just pulled the rug out from under me. I check my e-mail every hour to see if she responded and she has not. I feel like the e-mail was necessary but I am so sad and lonely without her. Someone please help me - did I do right? I got to stop looking for her response but how???

Thanks for your encouraging words. You know its off and on and I try to stay strong. Guess what happened? My ex called me and we have talked. No changes but I am sure she is wondering what is going on. I did buy her three red roses to show her that I do love her but also that I'm not hoping for an unrealistic expecation that we'll get back together. I shocked her. Just imagine - to show love and caring even after she hurt me (oh yes I made sure she knew that she made a mistake) seemed to give me more empowerment. I needed to do it so I won't live through life with regrets. I don't want to ask the question months from now - "what if I would have said or done this or that?" I've done all that I can do now and now I can bring closure. I told her all of this. I think she is still in shock today. Anyway, I'm learning and realizing that people shouldn't be the cause of your happiness.

Hello everyone, How do I get over this love sick feeling that I have for my ex? I should be feeling anger because she left me, but I don't. She never cheated on me and she even said that when she is ready to love again I am her first choice. She has repeatedly said through this divorce that I was a great husband and friend. Today - I felt totally compelled to see my soon to be ex-wife and I gave her three red roses. If I didn't I would have gone on through life feeling regret for not doing all that I could to show her how much I love her. You see I never buy flowers and she knew this so she was shocked! Background - my wife is 22 years old and left me to "create herself". We got married when she was just 19 and I was everything to her - first boyfriend, crush, infactuation, love, husband, virginity, etc. We were married for 3 years but I knew her since she was 16. We agreed to remain friends but I want more than that. I am determined now NOT to contact her and just wait for her. But my heart longs for my precious wife. But how do I get over her?

What you say is a good point. Everyone on this sight keeps saying that if you had to see your ex then stay strong, but it was hard. My wife left me to find herslef, I just wanted to show that I was someone worth having. My ego has been shot down because of her leaving and I was glad to see that I still got a reaction off of her. But no - I can't play this game each day that we are together if she does come back.

The thing that gets me is that a person can go from love and happiness to total stranger and distance. I think you are right when you say that I need to give some distance. I just wish she would come around. If a girl is truly just trying to find herself, why file divorce, move out, and change your name?

I just posted right after you (Why Do I feel so much sadness...) My wife left me to experience her independence too. Same circumstances just opposite partners. Are you much older than your boyfriend? Like I said in my post, you can do all that you can to move on but the heart is a weird thing - it's careful to let people in and hold on tight to those we love. I am still struggling with my own pain and probably can't offer too much help accept to give you insight into what a guy thinks. E-mail me if you want. Good luck.

Why do I feel so much sadness and loss? Someone please help me! It's been almost six weeks since my wife left me to "find herself." I thought I was doing so great until I saw her two days ago to exchange mail. I was strong in that meeting with her, but afterwards I felt and still feel so much pain and loss. There are so many people on this site that has experienced the same devastation. Here are the suggested solutions that everyone gave me: 1. Time will heal. 2. Go out with friends. 3. Take care of me. 4. Get a new hobby 5. Sleep, eat right & Exercise 6. Let go and move on 7. Accept that the relationship is over. I've done all this and doing it daily. But visions of my wife (soon to be ex) haunt my mind and my longing for her is so incredibly deep. I feel so lonely in my world of friends, family, colleagues, and dates. She has not cheated on me, I was so faithful to her, we were so happy. Then one day she determines that she needs independence and needs to find herself. Girls - my "no contact" code - is this a good idea? Guys - is your "no contact" attempts helping you? Help me understand!!!

How long has it been between the time of your break-up with your ex and your new boyfriend? Also, who broke it off - you or your ex? I'm sorry you feel the clouds over your happiness. But just remember, every cloud has a silver lining. Just look for it. You might be missing your ex because not enough time has passed since the break-up. Also, if you were on the dumping side, then getting over him will be much harder. The best thing to do is get those feelings for your ex resolved because it really won't be fair to your new boyfriend (nobody wants to be compared).

Let me tell you all that this was not easy. I'm actually dying here and I feel like I need to begin again with my building of strength. I feel like I used up all of my reserves and I need time to recharge. This was the most difficult thing I ever did. To deny yourself and bite your tongue. Trust me I would have preferred more time so that I can be stronger. But I held strong like Rocky in that final round. What do you all think went through her mind? What do you think she is thinking right now? Do you think I showed her that I am moving on and now she longer needs to contact me?

This is an update on what happeend today. After three weeks of complete silence, my ex called me at work to tell me that she received some of my mail that was inadvertently sent to her new apartment. I told her that I had some of her mail and asked her if she wanted to join me for lunch to trade mail. She said yes! Background: we've been together for 7 years, married three years, she is 22 years old, and did a 180 degree turn telling me she is leaving, filing divorce, changing her name to her maiden name, and trying to find herself and connect spiritually to herself. The last 6 weeks have been the absolute worse weeks in my life. I cried, I've lost weight, I tried to do things to stay on top of my emotions. I found this website and I was amazed that so many people have experienced what I have gone through. I was absolutely sure that I was the only guy who ever experienced this 180. In fact, I discovered that my case wasn't as bad as some who have suffered a greater devastation from their break-ups after kids and years of togertheness and seeing and hearing of their significant others going to another and having sex. How she was: My ex looked good. She looked happy and beautiful and my tendency was to melt in front of her and I wanted so bad to tell her that I loved her and wanted her back. But I didn't. I determined to stay strong and keep a smile on my face. In the course of my discussion with her, I expected the worse (i.e. she is have sex with other guys) but discovered that she is not with someone else, that she has been busy working, going to school, and buying new clothes. She has also attempted to re-connect with her childhood girlfriends (who are all getting married by the way) and her family (whom she left some years ago). When she asked me how I was doing I could have crumbled, but I stayed strong like all of the people on this site suggested. I kept my code to keep absolute no contact with her - no e-mail, no phone, no sight, etc. She reached out to me for a small reason (i.e. mail) and we met for lunch. I kept my chin up, held my shoulders back, smiled, and kept totally on top of my emotions never showing her that I was dying inside. I told her that I was going out with friends, learning to do latin and line dancing, doing counseling and gaining strength daily to overcome what I perceived to be my character flaws of jealousy and control, starting my music again, exercising, working on my MBA, and fixing up my house (which she quitclaimed deeded her share over to me). I even told her that all of my friends, family, colleagues, and communty contacts (all who we shared) have been so supportive of me. Her reaction: I was expecting a stone cold reaction at ground zero degrees like I received when she left. But amazingly I noticed that her neck and chest were completely blushed and her eyes were completely dilated. I was getting a reaction from her - one that I had not seen since we first dated. Only one of two explanations for that reaction - either she was extremely nervous to be with me or she was turned on by me. Craziest and the most unexpected reaction I ever saw. She commented that she liked my haircut and how good I looked since I lost some weight (ok - a lot of weight). She asked me about my job and I told her the truth - that my name is in the runing as one of the top three candidates for a promotion in my organization which surprised her and compelled her to offer congratualtions. My Expectations: I still expect the worse from her though. I have to as a protective measure so I don't go insane waiting for any glimmer of hope. I know she probably won't call me again for a very long time. No reason to. I told her that I'm doing great and moving on without her - all without really saying it. I feel she doesn't need to call me any longer now. Did I do right? I feel great and on a high for being so strong due to all of the advice that I have read here, but let me tell you all - I could have and still could easily form a quick attitude and begin to descend into my abyss of crying and pleading and longing. She looked so good and after seeing what options I have in my area - she by far is one of the most beautiful woman in the area. I don't know if she will ever come back. I can't expect it. I need to continue to grow for myself and gain strength for myself. I passed today's test, but what will tomorrow hold. I'm just ready and waiting for the day she tells me that she found someone new and is in love with him. To all you out there (especially girls) what do you think went through her mind and is going through her mind after today's lunch? Understanding what kind of reaction she could have to what I did could be very helpful to all of us here who are experiencing this....

Man, you guys really make sense. Thank you so much for the words. I feel that somewhere down the line after my life is different and my wife is gone from my world, my love will be the same for her. I feel so compelled to leave an open window for her. My love for her is so bright and awaits. I feel like even if it takes a lifetime I will keep a part of my heart for her. Will this love lead us back into each other's arms - perhaps as different - whole people? Who knows? And I suppose I must look to a brighter future without her and I am inching my way there, but there are some things in life that seem so sure. She left me, she filed for divorce, she has not contacted me, I have gone out with friends, I have found a smile on my face at times - but still I can't shake this feeling that the light in my heart will lead her back home....

This is an update - My 22 year old wife left me 6 weeks ago to "find herself and reconnect spiritually". This was after 3 years of marraige and a total of 7 years of knowing each other. I kept a pretty good code to not contact her so as to give her space and time (total 2 straight weeks). Three days ago I sent her a simple e-mail with no more and no less than a "* * *" which symbolized the words "I love you". But she never responded even though I know she saw my e-mail. Her failure to respond has broken my heart because it's as if she is either with someone else and cares no more or just doesn't care. To anyone out there (girls especially), what do you feel she is going through or thinking when she saw my really REALLY simple e-mail? To any guy out there who has gone through this (or gals), how did you respond to the rejection?

Hi there. It sounds like you are scared and I can undestand. Is there a huge age difference between you two? you mentioned that you got pregnant three times but only have this one child. Did you have two abortions before? I know that this is hard but he is going to have to make some decisions quickly about his marragie. Is his wife holding proceedings up or is he just hanging on for some reason? E-mail me and we can talk. As for now, only you can determine whether you will be handle the emotional burden of the abortion. Will he be there for you? Really think this through because this unborn child could be such a huge blessing. Again e-mail me and we can talk.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that there is no hope in your situation. It only makes me realize that I need to truly shut the door on any hope that I might have because it will only serve to hurt me. I decided to send my ex a simple code we had - no words - just * * * which meant "I Love You". I felt better for sending it but of course she never responded. She knows what it means and I didn't have to say it. I had no sign off line just those three symbols. That will be the extent of my contact with her. I actually tried writing her a letter - two of them actually - not so much to send but for me to vent. It seemed to help a little. I think I need to disconnect my phones and move away from this town. What do you think everyone - is that a good idea?

you know the worse thing I did - I looked thorugh old pictures of vacations we shared together. It made me so sad. She was so beautiful and we were so happy. I have no idea why I did it. I guess it's becasue I'm beginning to forget how she looks now. She is so different now. Someone please help me get a grip.....

I thought that I was the only one out here that experienced this kind of thing. It's amazing that good people like all of us can get hurt so commonly. What is the answer to the hurt problem? I know that there is so much promise and hope out there because love I am beginning to discover is merely a choice. I chose to love my ex-wife. It's in the choosing to not love her that is hard. I never had a choice. That is truly the foundation of my frustration. The fact that she left took away any choice that I might have had is so wrong. Her leaving without notice and so suddenly created an instant sense of rejection, frustration, helplessness, and hopelessness. I guess the best way to respond is to become flexbile and move with the flow of this directional change. I can get a handle on what I can control - myself. I can find acceptance among friends and family. I can remove my frustration by clearing obstacles in other areas of my life. I can empower myself and others. To all of us out here who suffer the devastation of an unexpected breakup, take heart because we have gained the respect of all who have and are experiecing the same storm!

Yeah I have a Psychiatrist friend who asked the same exact thing about whether my ex-wife has depression. she actually has family history of that and she was definitely depressed. That could be the cause. The probelm is I can't do anything to heal her and in the meantime I'm dying out here. What do you do when you feel so compelled to reach out to the person that you invested so much time, energy, emotions, hopes, dreams, and love with?

It's been almost two weeks since I've been in contact with my ex. I miss her so much and I feel like I need to let her know that I love her and am thinking of her. She did a 180 degree turn over 5 weeks ago and left me to "find herself and connect spiritually". Since then she filed for divorce, moved out into her own apartment, and had maintained almost no contact (just business stuff). My head was spinning because I did not see this coming. Everyone here has been saying to not contact her - no e-mail, no phone, no sight. But today I am feeling strongly compelled to reach out to her. She is in Utah visiting family and doing a workshop and I was thinking about just sending her a short e-mail to let her know I am still here. I know I will feel terrible afterwards though. Why? Because I am trying to give her space, time and freedom from me. And if she doesn't write back, I'll only get hurt again. Man, I feel like I'm going to explode!!! Somebody - girls or anyone who has been through this - please help me to understand what she is going through during this time too - and what I can do to reduce my tension.

It's amazing that we are in almost the exact same situation. The circumstances are different but the age difference and the 180 degree turn around is the same. I am 38 and my wife is 22. We were very happy together and then overnight she turns around and says she lost all of her emotions for me. She assured me that she loves me and that when she is ready to have a relationship again she will give me the first opportunity. She also said that she is not interested in going out and dating because she left to find herself and connect spiritually and doing so would violate everything she is tryng to accomplish. That's what she said - what did she do? She moves out, files for divorce after 3 years of marraige, changes her name back to her maiden name and begins spending time with guys from the university. I don't know if she is doing things with other guys - even if I could know what good or practical use would that information serve? I have forced myself to accept the worse case scenario - that is, she finds a younger guy her age, falls in love, has a physical relationship, gets pregnant, gets married and her family is totally in love with the other guy. Oh yeah - and she moves away to begin her life with her new family. As soon as I realized that there is nothing that I could do to change this outcome, fix her now, or win her back I began to feel a little freer. Making myself believe that I am an awesome guy and that I could have provided an incredible life for her helps to let me know that I have a gift to offer to someone - just not her. My head could accept it but my heart was resisting. I believe that my wife, like yours, was very young. I was her first everything - crush, infactuation, lover, boyfriend, husband, etc. etc. She never had a chance to find herself and experience the world making decisions on her own. She left because she needed to find out who she is. This most likely includes dating, loving, etc. etc. Personally, I can't wait until she comes around. I know that I deserve someone who is sure of what they want and willing to fight for it. You need to realize that waiting for your wife to come around will only prolong your anguish. So make a list of everything you liked about her and everythign you wished she had. You will discover that most items on your list can be fulfilled by anyone. You are a holistic being - physical, emotional, spiritual. Take care of all three aspects by exercising and eating healthy, finding and growing your spiritual root and base, and practicing emotional detachment. I know you love a younger a woman and I did too. But wouldn't you rather have a slightly older (26-30) female who actually knows who they are and what they want in life?

Five weeks after my ex left me, I thought I could find solace in the arms of another but it just wasn't there. Sure, the sex and companionship was there with this other person but I still felt very empty. I was the one dumped and I felt guilty. I was the one left behind and I couldn't find peace in the arms of another. Now I am trying to break this whole situation down and trying to figure out why I am so affected by my ex and her "no contact" mode. I know her presense is everywhere and even see evidence of her around and the fact that she doesn't communicate with me just hurts me so deeply. How can someone just make a 180 degree turn and decide to leave, file for divorce, and make no contact? I think the longer you've been with someone, the harder it is to recover. I know that I have to realize that I have to move on and realize that she is. I've heard everyone say that time will heal. It's true, but .... still hard. There are many things that I can list that I don't appreciate about my ex. I even know that there are women out there that are 10 times more beautiful and communicative. So why do I get so impacted by her and what she does (or what she fails to do)? My head says move on but I guess my heart still chooses her. I hate the games, I hate the pain - and I know I must live for myself now. But my heart still can't catch up. So what does one do with matters of the heart?

When my ex left after 7 years, I sat down and cried and days afterwards I began to list the reasons I got so hurt. Here is my list and please those of you who read this list, tell me how you dealt with it or if this is how you felt: The Twelve Reasons: On the day Taylor left me and the weeks that followed she was: 1. Uncompassionate – turned off her emotions and care for me instantly. 2. Hateful – she turned her love off for me and for anything that we experienced in the past. She was so willing to write a future without me and not fight for me or us. 3. Cruel – her actions of divorce and separation without contacting me and without any due reason except to accomplish a self-motivated goal. 4. Selfish – she thought of her own well-being. She said that when faced between us and her she chooses herself. 5. Brutal and merciless – she said things such as "I will always love you as a friend" and "I'm keeping the door open for us in the future but right now I choose me." 6. Emotionless – She was so willing to cut me off without any remorse or foresight into the damage her actions would cause. 7. Impulsive – Her 180 degree turn from total love to total non-emotion and her subsequent actions of divorce, quitclaim deed, change of name and moving out was rash and without regard to me. 8. Confused – I asked if it was somebody else or the desire to date somebody else – she said no. I believed her. When asked if she still loved me she said yes. I believed her. When asked if I was the only one experiencing pain and grief and if I was the only one missing us. She said no that this wasn't easy for her and that she was going through pain too. Yet, she was so willing to move on without me and not contact me. When I asked her why she didn't contact me, she said she didn't want to hurt me any more. Yet she knows that her being away is hurting me. 9. Vain and Egotistical - She said that I will be the first person who she will give a chance to have a relationship with her. 10. Immature – This entire series of events only shows that Taylor was extremely immature emotionally, morally, and ethically. She gave no regard to the ramifications of her actions. She was quick to turn off all of her concern and emotions for me. All of this because she wanted freedom and "to find herself". 11. Unsympathetic – She showed no sympathy for me or for our life together and the pain and devastation she caused. She was at peace with her decision and felt that she was right. 12. Off Priority – Taylor chose work over me and school. She dropped me and dropped a class during the summer. She even continued to volunteer for the Red Cross. It's the times alone I feel like *beep*. Where do I find someone who can help me rebound? Is that even healthy?

I've been going through scenario's in my head of her calling me or trying to contact me. If my ex-wife calls me to talk, should I or should I give it some time?

Hey everyone, Thanks for the encouraging words. It's like taking three steps forward and two steps back. This site is an incredible resource and blessing. Man, I don't know how I could have made it some of these days without people who have been in the trenches like me. It's still hard, but I'm making it through the day. I guess I need to understand that the person who I fell in love with is no longer there. The person who now lives is someone completely different. I'm so glad that it happened early on after only 7 years rather than after 25 years. That must really hurt and be extraordinarily difficult. I guess I'm not over this yet obviously and don't expect to be after some time. She was everything to me. Anyway, thanks again everyone. One question - how have you all started to build your self-esteem? Have any of you begun to think about dating again? I can't even think like that but I know I'm a kind of person who needs to have companionship. I just don't want to have to go through more rejection.