rogerthornhill

Hi, My wife of 2 years left me three months ago. We had been together for a total of 4 years. On a recent one-week trip to a conference in Brazil she met someone. She returned and after about a week told me she had met someone and realized that she didn't feel the same way about me. She said that she realized that she was confused and had doubts and thought it was best to separate. We have had an extremely close, loving and calm relationship. We never fought and had only few misunderstandings that we always resolved by talking it through. We do have an age difference -I am 39 and she is 24. We had plans to move to NYC, where we both grew up, (we live in London) later this year. When I asked exactly what was wrong for her she said that she was tired of my behaviour, for I have been depressed for the better part of the time that we have been together. I have talked about my depression and how it affects us/her, but my progress in changing was slow. But her meeting someone else and deciding to leave was completely unforeseen and unexpected. Initially I thought our separation would be a temporary thing. I tried to give her the space she asked for and after two weeks we spoke again. The man she met in Brazil had come to London, and they spent a week together. I of course was unhappy to hear this, but decided that I must simply continue to show her how much I want to save our relationship and that I will do what ever it takes. Over the next several weeks we have some contact - emails, a few meetings, and I try to let her know again that I am committed to changing and moving forward, but she said that she is "ok" with where she is. In the following weeks she visits him in Brazil. I continue to try to spend time with her (I am trying to fight to save our relationship, to win her back, to show her that with all we have talked about we can work and move forward… but I am always respectful of her, trying to walk the line between expressing how much she means to me and not driving her crazy or pressuring her) However in the end she said that she was feeling incredibly guilty and that it was hard for her to see me. So I stopped asking to she her. I guess I thought its best to let some more time pass if this was what she needed or wanted. Two weeks ago I received an email from her saying that - the job that was being created for her in NYC (as part of plan to move back this year) has happened faster than anticipated and she is heading to NYC, the next day, for a month and a half - tentatively at first to see if her being in NYC is good for organization as well. And now I hear that this man from Brazil has made a "long-term" trip to NYC as well. So it looks like I have been replaced in NYC as well. I don't know if they will continue or not… but I am at a loss about what I should do or say at this point. I know that I could have been less withdrawn while with her in our relationship. But depression is hard, as many of you may know. It's not like you tell some with cancer just to get over it and get on. Still I think that after all we have been through particularly after such a close relationship, where I always tried to make sure that she was happy and loved, where I didn't "do" anything overtly wrong, (she always bragged to friends "how wonderful I was", etc.), that her abrupt departure and latching on to someone else is inexplicable. Is this just the chance I took with settling down with someone her age? I remember my 20s; I know that people that ages are capable of and apt in change much more that some in the late 30s. Was this other man just a catalyst for along standing problem? Did I was simply traded in for a better model? This had, of course, been rather hard for me. To say that I am quite sad or heartbroken seems hardly adequate … I miss her deeply everyday. I genuinely felt I had finally met the right person to share my life with. I am seeing a counsellor who deals relationships, etc, but not sure how much it will help. As I would like more than anything to have to another chance with her - or maybe its better to stay a fresh start? - I guess I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in or near a similar situation. What's the best thing for me to do? How to get her back? How to move on in the mean time? Thanks in advance; any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, My wife of 2 years left me three months ago. We had been together for a total of 4 years. On a recent one-week trip to a conference in Brazil she met someone. She returned and after about a week told me she had met someone and realized that she didn't feel the same way about me. She said that she realized that she was confused and had doubts and thought it was best to separate. We have had an extremely close, loving and calm relationship. We never fought and had only few misunderstandings that we always resolved by talking it through. We do have an age difference -I am 39 and she is 24. We had plans to move to NYC, where we both grew up, (we live in London) later this year. When I asked exactly what was wrong for her she said that she was tired of my behaviour, for I have been depressed for the better part of the time that we have been together. I have talked about my depression and how it affects us/her, but my progress in changing was slow. But her meeting someone else and deciding to leave was completely unforeseen and unexpected. Initially I thought our separation would be a temporary thing. I tried to give her the space she asked for and after two weeks we spoke again. The man she met in Brazil had come to London, and they spent a week together. I of course was unhappy to hear this, but decided that I must simply continue to show her how much I want to save our relationship and that I will do what ever it takes. Over the next several weeks we have some contact - emails, a few meetings, and I try to let her know again that I am committed to changing and moving forward, but she said that she is "ok" with where she is. In the following weeks she visits him in Brazil. I continue to try to spend time with her (I am trying to fight to save our relationship, to win her back, to show her that with all we have talked about we can work and move forward… but I am always respectful of her, trying to walk the line between expressing how much she means to me and not driving her crazy or pressuring her) However in the end she said that she was feeling incredibly guilty and that it was hard for her to see me. So I stopped asking to she her. I guess I thought its best to let some more time pass if this was what she needed or wanted. Two weeks ago I received an email from her saying that - the job that was being created for her in NYC (as part of plan to move back this year) has happened faster than anticipated and she is heading to NYC, the next day, for a month and a half - tentatively at first to see if her being in NYC is good for organization as well. And now I hear that this man from Brazil has made a "long-term" trip to NYC as well. So it looks like I have been replaced in NYC as well. I don't know if they will continue or not… but I am at a loss about what I should do or say at this point. I know that I could have been less withdrawn while with her in our relationship. But depression is hard, as many of you may know. It's not like you tell some with cancer just to get over it and get on. Still I think that after all we have been through particularly after such a close relationship, where I always tried to make sure that she was happy and loved, where I didn't "do" anything overtly wrong, (she always bragged to friends "how wonderful I was", etc.), that her abrupt departure and latching on to someone else is inexplicable. Is this just the chance I took with settling down with someone her age? I remember my 20s; I know that people that ages are capable of and apt in change much more that some in the late 30s. Was this other man just a catalyst for along standing problem? Did I was simply traded in for a better model? This had, of course, been rather hard for me. To say that I am quite sad or heartbroken seems hardly adequate … I miss her deeply everyday. I genuinely felt I had finally met the right person to share my life with. I am seeing a counsellor who deals relationships, etc, but not sure how much it will help. As I would like more than anything to have to another chance with her - or maybe its better to stay a fresh start? - I guess I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in or near a similar situation. What's the best thing for me to do? How to get her back? How to move on in the mean time? Thanks in advance; any advice would be greatly appreciated.