onelittleladybug

I agree with Blender that you shouldnt email now. But I dont think there was anything lame about her email, she might have just been surprised that you did this so late after the fact. Its so easy for us dumpees to constantly criticize and put down what the dumpers did. I just think its better to not do that and try to see things from their point of view. Now that I am really healing after my breakup, I remember things very well that have happened to me where I was in the other situation. This one guy I wasn't into (we weren't dating, we just had a short fling) was really mad at me and behaved really irrationally. I remember how I felt about that afterwards, I was just really uncomfortable, had no respect for him and avoided him. Another guy kept calling obsessively and trying to get me back by making me feel sorry for him. Needless to say I never ever wanted to talk to him again. I'm TOTALLY not saying you are like this and I'm not like that either. I'm just remembering these extreme situations. I think the coolest thing you could ever do would be to be graceful and giving and try to get to that place where you can leave your door open without either pushing her or pushing her away. I think doing this nc where you completely shut people out, don't answer their emails etc is kinda like pushing someone away. But then again thats just my opinion. BTW - I might be coming off too strong about this, I dont really think its a huge deal that you didnt reply to her email. It sounds like one of those emails that you can choose whether to reply or not. But I just wouldnt make a habit out of ignoring her and I wouldnt treat nc as a game.

First of all I completely agree with Scout. This is not a time to start dating someone, she sounds like a sweet girl and she sounds like shes really been protected so she could potentially get very hurt. I think you should back off but I also think you should tell her why, that you are simply not ready to date again. Secondly - this: NC isnt a game. Its a way to help you heal. I think that if I was in her shoes I would think that the reason you took her off your facebook was that you were either a) still too angry to talk to her, or b) that you dont care anymore. Both a and b doesnt really make you look good to her. I would definitely have responded when she asked you why you removed her from your sites.

Well thats really good news though! It sounds like its time to have a good talk with her about how to work your way back together again. I actually think you should tell her to read this book. You have every right to take it slow and I definitely think you should communicate that to her. I don't think you should be doing any one thing of what you mentioned, just do it the way it feels right to you but also tell her what you're doing and why - that way there is no risk of misunderstanding.

Jane Goodall is an expert in primate behavior. Red button for food sounds like conditioning (Skinner did experiments with rats in a cage, they had to learn to push a button for food). Hes basically saying something like "Im no expert in behavior but I can give you a couple of hints of how to get what you want".

Hi there - I just saw this and thought I'd give my 2 cents: I don't think that forgiveness is something that comes in a flash. For me it happens gradually over a long period of time. For me trust is something that you get for free in the beginning of a relationship and then it grows. When its betrayed I personally feel that the person who betrayed needs to make a huge effort to earn it back. It sounds like your boyfriend is working on that by doing counseling with you etc. I definitely think you deserve all the time you need to get there and that he needs to be patient with you. However, once you do get there I think you have to let go and not look back. Just wipe the slate clean and move on. BUT if he ever cheats again you walk away and don't look back.

Hi Lost I totally relate. I don't really know what to advise you because I'm in a similar position. Ive been broken up for 5 months and my ex moved to Oregon after the breakup (I'm also in Los Angeles). We have talked a couple of times about meeting and seeing if we can work things out but the last conversation like that happened a while ago. He now wants to spend some time together when he comes down to LA for the holidays and I'm not sure if he still wants to see if we can work things out or what and I have been afraid to press the issue. I'm tired of asking and trying and I feel like its his turn. I know this though: When I stopped asking him he finally started taking some initiative on calling or meeting up. Based on that I would tell you that it might be good for you to see what she wants or has to say. But I read your thread from before and because you have a kid together I feel your situation is different. I definitely wouldn't hold all back. You have to find some balance between pouring your heart out vs being cold and distant. A quick question - while you did nc did you not see your kid? Maybe if you tell us a bit more about how she is contacting you and what she says I can help you more... And by the way - there's an excellent book out there that I would highly recommend for people in your position. It's called "getting back together" and it talks a lot about how to make the best of your separation so that you can actually be stronger as a couple when/if you reunite. It's more for married couples or couples that lived together rather than dating situations. It helped me a lot and if I do get back together with my ex I think I will want to read it again.

Selfi - Im fairly new to this site and I havent read any of your previous posts. I just want to share with you the one thing I immediately thought of when I read this. I know this is not what you want to hear right now but its just one perspective. If it doesnt help then feel free to ignore it. I personally believe that at this day and age, people your age arent generally ready to commit (I noticed you mentioned you both were finishing college). I think that timing has a lot to do with relationships and that if you meet the right person but at the wrong time the timing can be crucial. At the same time I believe that you always do right by sticking to what is important to you and what you believe in. I understand how devastating it must be to go through this the second time but I absolutely think that whatever your history is (and again - I didnt read it) if you went by your gut feeling it was the right thing to do. But sometimes the right thing doesnt last. Please dont hate me for saying this but just give it a thought: A seriously committed relationship at this time could be the worst thing that ever happened to you. It could also be the best but I just think that the ones who can do that at this age are relatively few. I met my first boyfriend when I was 16 going on 17 and he was such an amazing person that any girl would be crazy to let him go. Yet I did. I am 34 and I am infinitely grateful that he was my first love but I am also really glad we didnt end up together because he is a guy who got old really fast and I was a girl who moved to another continent and explored the world and am finally now ready to settle down. He was ready for that 14 years ahead of me. No one knows what happens between people. I know so many people who got back together months and years later. And I know many people who didnt. I've been through many minor breakups but I met the love of my life when I was 32 and when we broke up 5 months ago it felt like my heart was being ripped out. But now Im really excited about my life again and I know that if he does come back it will be a bonus. The rest of my life is in a pretty good shape. I hope you find the spark of your life again and remember that you can be as passionate about yourself as you have been about him.

NCS - I've been calling my ex every 2-3 weeks for the past 3 maybe even 4 months. He never called me on his own initiative but he always called back right away. Since about a month ago he's finally calling me on his own initiative and now he wants to fly in to see me (he moved out of state when we broke up). So that has worked really well for me and I recommend it. I've sent 1 or 2 text messages but I wrote something he totally didn't have to respond to and before I sent it I made a deal with myself that I would not expect a reply - if I did I wasn't allowed to send it. It felt really good to take some time for myself and I generally feel 200% better. So in answer to your question: I think a really innocent text or email tomorrow wouldn't hurt but then I would take it easy for a couple weeks after that. And I just saw your reply to me - if thats the case I would just give it some time. Whatever happens in the end you will be a better person for hanging in there for a while, thats my honest belief.

Blender - I'm basing this advice of mine on my own experience like I said in my first post. And I'm saying that if she feels the way Ive felt before that he either a) only wants her now that he can't have her or b) that he would snap back into the same behavior of before if they got back together (f.ex. not trying to work things out and not letting her meet his friends and family) - then if it was me (and again based on what I experienced) I would conclude he wasn't interested enough if he stopped calling and that either a or b was true. That he was just excited by the chase and then lost interest. Im not saying that its the case, Im just saying if she is going through what Ive been through before she might think so and then not calling would be the worst thing to do. Im actually not too keen on a weekly phone call (I would do every 2 or 3) but Ive said it before - I think NC is grossly over-emphasized in this forum. I think NC works in two situations: 1) Right after the breakup to avoid all the messiness and 2) when you've already gone overboard and are to the point of being desperate and/or somewhat pathetic. The rest of the time I doubt NC is the way to go. Ive had many and long phone calls with good friends about this although all females, and they all told me if a guy stops calling them they assume he's lost interest and they move on. I feel the same way. However - since the OP only posted a short post (thank god or else I wouldn't read it - I don't read long posts as I have a limited time for this forum) I don't really know a lot about his situation. So I'm giving my 2 cents but thats really all that is. It's just one perspective in a whole spectrum. Scout and NorCaSpinna - I just have the feeling from the original post that there is something more to it, that theres something NCS is leaving out. For one thing - it took a week for it to hit you and then another week... Why did it take you so long? And also - what did you do then? Is there anything you've been doing that could be kinda wishy washy to her after you broke up? How long has it been since you broke up?

Hey Scout - I'm sorry if that upset you, I'm just saying I don't agree with that point of view. I edited as you can probably see. But everyone is entitled to their opinion right? I just try to give the kinda advice that I like to hear - when I'm in a situation I like to try to put myself in the shoes of the other person (in this case the girl) so when I advice others thats what I focus on. I'm sure you give the advice that you think is best also. I definitely meant no disrespect and I have no idea if I'm right about this, could be very wrong.

Hi there NorCaSpinna The thing is that when two people break up its hardly ever only one persons fault. You have a choice - you can focus on her being emotionally immature or selfish (not sure I agree with that point of view) or you can focus on what you did to cause this and the thing is the latter part is the only thing that you can still change. Actions speak louder than words, ok you sent her a heartfelt letter but have you actually made any changes? It sounds to me like she is asking for some time. I would give it to her. I think its very possible she needs to see if you're for real. Most women go through it a few times that a guy wants them back after a breakup but then once he gets what he wants he doesn't want it anymore. Im not saying thats you but she may have experienced that before and may think thats whats happening. It sounds to me like you have been rash - one minute you're willing to let her go and the next you're devastated. Do you want her back right this minute or are your feelings strong enough to last? Are you a guy who only appreciates what he has when he's lost it or did you just make a couple of mistakes? Cause if she was taking you to see her friends and family and you weren't reciprocating I kinda understand her reservations about that. I would stick to a weekly phone call. I wouldn't push but I would let her know you're still there. Don't sit around waiting for her but keep the door open. I know its unbelievably hard to do but quite a few people here on this board are already doing it so you're not alone. In your case I would definitely not do nc because you sound like you've been somewhat inconsistent and if I'm right about this she is probably going to think that you were full of s***. I completely understand and know how painful it is to wonder if they found someone else but its pointless to obsess over that. What you had together no one can take away so focus on that. For now the best thing you can do is focus on your life and think about how you can do better next time as a boyfriend, whether that will be with her or someone else.

Futy and Papa - I wanted to tell you I think you both are doing the right thing and I also think that you are being incredibly brave. I once had an episode of short but intense depression and anxiety, I was a complete mess and I can tell you that picking up the phone to call someone when you feel like that is almost impossible. Just the thought of meeting people made me want to crawl into a closet and stay there forever. In many ways I think that your significant others are actually doing the "right" thing by separating because being around someone in this state 24/7 is really taxing on anyone and could eventually destroy the foundation of your relationship. I'm really touched by reading about both of you, its hard to be so giving and tolerant and supportive all the time. I don't think a good person could ever forget something like that. Being patient is underrated at this day and age. When you listen to people everyone is constantly asserting themselves and their needs and want everything now or they're gone. "lady bug..i hope so much that you too can be positive even tho you may not feel it inside..this is a long process that is hard and it hurts....but if we can get to the other side then it is worth it...." Thanks Futy, you are right. I've been kinda numb and its not the truth of how I feel. It takes time. And he is taking steps and I do feel positive about it but maybe a little bit afraid that its not real. My friends have been really negative towards him lately - they think he should run back. Its hard to listen to because I feel I need him to take more steps but I dont feel he needs or should run. I'm not sure running is good. The holiday season here is already starting with thanksgiving tomorrow. I woke up this morning missing him a lot and feeling sad that we aren't spending it together. But I'm not really giving up, I'm just allowing myself to feel what I feel you know? And also I worked really hard on getting us back together and I just feel now that its time for me to step back and let him take over.

Futy I'm so very happy for you. Thats great! I admire your dedication and optimism. He is lucky to have you. My ex wants to meet and spend some time together. He's in pretty far away now and would have to fly in so its going to take time before thats possible. I'm letting him figure out the logistics and I'm pretty relaxed and just attending to my own life. I don't know what this means really or what will come out of meeting. I'm just taking it at a face value but I definitely think that its important to be positive just like you said. I feel like he goes two steps forward - one step back these days. I would rather focus on the steps taken towards instead of away. I'm at the point where I am no longer desperate to get back together, there are many very exciting things happening in my life and getting back together would most likely mean relocating for me. While we have been apart some very exciting things have happened in my career and it will be even harder to leave. My ex and I were engaged and lived together 2 years and I would like to work things out between us but if it doesn't work out I have a lot of other things now that make me happy.

I completely agree with Hope75 - I would definitely leave the friend out of this and my bet is thats why your ex hasnt told him. I think that its really important in a relationship that your loyalty stays with your partner and even after a breakup its important to keep it that way. My ex told me he didnt want to discuss our relationship with anyone in case we would get back together he wouldnt want anyone in his family to dislike me. I wouldnt take it that he is stringing you along if he invites you to see his family for thanksgiving. It sounds like he's having second thoughts about the breakup. A loaded letter like the one you sent will almost always lead to a breakup. In the future maybe think about waiting until you actually get a chance to talk and do so in increments, dont dump everything on him. It sounds like you totally exploded. Maybe he didnt feel like he had a choice. I dont know you or him but Im just throwing it out there. Sometimes its good to look at things from a different perspective. Im not so sure that its a good timing for you to get back together though as honestly you sound really mad at him and it sounds like you dont respect him. Its completely normal for you to feel that way if you are disappointed, but the problem is things arent gonna go very well if you 50% love him and 50% disrespect him. Maybe you should wait until you 100% love him again? Just a thought.

Left behind - I dont know what it means when someone checks your profile a couple times a week. I just dont know. My point with the first post is that it can drive you a lil bit crazy to think about it too much. So Im suggesting getting rid of the tracker if its messing with your head. And especially nowadays when the tracker doesnt really track anything if people dont want to be found.... What are you gonna do? The only thing you can do is shrug and stop thinking about it. I have no idea what your story is or hers. But because you say that shes a stoner type - in my experience from previous relationships - people who smoke a lot of it become very emotionally unavailable. So if thats really the case its going to give you a lot of trouble to try to find out her true feelings. Just saying.

I totally but respectfully disagree with shes2smart and melrich. I dont know their story but I think theres a lot of people on this board that dont totally understand the difference of breaking up with someone you were dating or someone you shared your life with. I think that long term relationships are much harder to leave and take longer to get over. My personal opinion is that there is nothing wrong with wanting to get back together. In fact I think that a person who doesnt at least try to fight for something they still believe in must have a really sad outlook on life. Some people are ok with just moving on but then they might be also ok with having numerous shorter relationships in their lives. But I do agree that you should be prepared for things not to work out just as you should be prepared for them to do. Its kinda like expect the worst but hope for the best. I read somewhere that almost all couples that break up would choose to stay together if they could work out their differences. I also read that an overwhelming majority of couples that live together or are married separate for at least 2 months informally at some point in the relationship. Someone else said that it takes at least half of the time you spent together to get over them. I dont know. But I would not think she is over you in only 7 months. She could still be angry though. I would like to add just for your information if it gives you hope that I was only with my ex for 2 years or so although we lived together almost the whole time, and we have been broken up for almost 5 months. I talked to him ago and he told me that he would like to try to work things out but wasnt totally ready for it. He moved 850 miles away from me soon after the breakup (it was a huge factor in the breakup - I wasnt sure I wanted to move) and I havent seen him for 2 months. I dont know what will happen or if this will work out. Like I said before Im prepared for both. Most people say Im crazy to be even thinking and hoping. But I can tell you that if I listened to all the sceptics I wouldnt have had that conversation with my ex. Another girl I know is in the process of reconciliation with her boyfriend. She was also really discouraged for a while when everyone kept telling her to cut her losses and move on. She decided to listen to her heart and is now dating her ex while they figure things out. Good luck.

Hi AV82 I just found this thread. Im a blogger and my ex used to read my blog many times a day and I have a tracker so I know how these things mess with your head. You can choose to go private - I did the same thing with my blog - but I got really "lonely" like that. I recently found out that you can trick the trackers under whats called anonymous proxy and then your stats wont show up at all. Im not recommending you do that, I guess my point is that Im starting to see how this tracker thing is really messed up and that maybe the best thing is to not have a tracker at all and just never write anything thats not ok for everyone to know. Regarding your ex - there is no doubt in my mind that he still has feelings for you if he checks on you many times a day. No doubt. I would just call him on it. I would email him and say something but be nice about it.

My two cents - dont do it until youre ready. Definitely not. Just say you might be able to be friends one day but now is too soon.

Hi there I cant advice you about timing. I just want to share with you an advice that my dad gave me once. Something came up in my relationship with my ex, we were completely equally to blame and it was painful for us both but I kinda blamed my ex more for a while. I called my dad and asked him how to get over it. He said that it was really important in a relationship when someone gets hurt you talk about it and then you bury it. You completely let go of it. I didnt do this completely and I think that is a huge factor in why Im broken up now. We may work things out but thats another story. Anyway, my advice is if you want to get back together with your ex you have to forgive him completely. Theres no other way to do it. I like to ask people who are in long term relationships or married for advice on relationships. I dont go to the people who are always single. Most people Ive asked have given similar advice on things like this.

Hi again Dont assume anything. You get your answer on saturday. I did a similar thing the other day and it took a while for me to get a clear answer but when I did it was good. It wasnt fireworks good, cant live without you running around in rolling green hills good but it was good. To be honest, Im so turned off by the negativity on this board I dont want to post the details about it here. Ive kinda given up on it and moved on to other boards but I check in every few days here and just saw this from you. I totally see the benefits of no contact but this no contact thing is like everyone's religion here and if you ask me its a little bit out of control. So Im going to email you my story when I get the chance, k?

I havent been following your situation but I have to tell you that I frequently text people when I dont in fact have time or maybe I have a couple minutes but I dont like calling people from the gym, the car etc. Some people just have different phone habits. I screen my calls all the time cause Im busy and then I call people when I actually have a relaxed moment and can give them my undivided attention. Again - havent read up on you and your ex but also want to tell you that pushing angrily for an answer almost always results in a negative reply or a brush off.

Iceman - I hear you on that. Im not even going to try to protest. Being cheated on really hurts. Ive only been cheated on by someone I didnt really love. I cant even imagine how it would have felt if I loved him and I seriously dont want to find out. I wasnt really referring to your situation in the O.P. I was talking about the rest of us who broke up because of fighting etc.

Im reading the posts here, Ive been reading a lot for the past days. I just noticed something. If you go through the subjects and discussions the majority of them is stating that the dumper is a) selfish, b) a user, c) doesnt deserve the dumpee... etc etc etc. 90% of the replies here advocate power struggles/plays. Being that most of us who are on this board are the dumpee... Have you people ever thought about the things that you did in the relationship that contributed to the problems that lead to the breakup? Shouldnt you be focusing on yourself which is something you can change, vs something you cant? You cant hate someone back to you. If you want someone back you have to focus on why you want that and that means focusing on the good things. This is the getting back together board which means most of you want your ex back. It happens. It happens a lot actually. People get back together ALL THE TIME but they dont do so by sitting by their computer focusing on hating, complaining, whining, anger, how they did you wrong. Its late and Im tired. Ive been working 14 hr days from my studio and the only thing Ive done other than work is go on the message boards on my breaks. Maybe I shouldnt be posting this but I have to say that for the past couple days Ive felt like the only NC that would really make sense for me would be these boards. Someone here said that the people who get back together are too busy living their lives to go on here and tell their stories of reconciliation. I am totally convinced thats true.

I was going to say call tonight but then I changed my mind. Call early tomorrow. Im not really into games but Im thinking is if she didnt call for a month she cant expect you to return her call immediately. I dont know what time zone youre in but if its not very late, put on a movie and try to distract yourself. Having her wait for your call is going to remind her of how it feels to wait... wait... wait for your call. If she wanted to see whats out there then maybe thats the sorta thing she needs to remember. Dont wait too long though as she will know that you are deliberately holding back. And if you already called its not a big deal.

Ibenhad I have to tell you at this point I agree with the people here, you have to let go. If she eventually comes back then she will but you need to remove yourself from this situation and find your center again. You have to learn to be happy without her or any particular person. They are supposed to be a bonus in your life, not that your happiness depends on them. If you truly love this girl you will find it in you to want her to be happy no matter what - even if that means not being with you. Your posts sound like youre in a constant state of panic and thats not a good situation to stay in for extended periods of time.