futychick

Hi everyone.. Its been a few months since I was online...so much happening in my life..but I have never stopped thinking of you all....you are like my family...and kept me going thro the darkest days...( and nights) LOL... I hesitated putting my good news online as I dont want to upset anyone..but I know how much I used to love reading success stories on here...to give me hope.... Well my story...some of you will know....briefly..my husband left me suddenly last April..he was depressed and also we had trouble with his ex which drove a wedge between us...We both handled things badly.... I was SOOO heartbroken when he left....but to be honest still believed we would be toghether again and grow old together...altho I did visit a solicitor re divorce.... we had little contact for the first 3 mths....then started meeting for coffee...we took it very slow and both had councelling...and hubby had medication.... the breakthrough came in Dec when we deicded to go away for our wedding anniversary...then spent Xmas together.....seeing each other on 'dates'...etc... we are now......... madly in love all over again,,,and altho still in separate houses.. we are now looking for a house together in a new area...for a new start....we should be moved in the next 4-8 weeks....!!!! I love him now more than I ever did before....and am blissfully happy....when he told me he loved me recently for the first time in nearly a year..I though I would burst with happiness !!!!! We are so blessed to be given a 2nd chance with each other...and am glad that we both went for counselling to work through the issues that drove us apart....as that makes me more confident that we will not make the same mistakes again... I know we are often told to forget the ex and move on..but in my case I never gave up...I knew the reasons for the break up could be resolved....there was never a problem with us loving each other....we just handled things badly...altho a lot of our issues were caused by outsiders...namely the ex..!! I truly believe that if there is love there then there is still hope....true love really does win through.. my love and best wishes to you all..... futychick xxxxx

Scruff..... big hugs to you too !!!!! hope you are doing ok ... Futy xxxxx

Hi to all my friends here.... for those of you who have followed my story and supported me... ..here is my latest news...all good....!!!!! My husband and I went away for our wedding aniiversary last week....after 'dating' for a few mths....( we seperatd in April - well..he left me ) we had a great time away and was really like the 'good old days'....We laughed all the time, went for walks....and best of all spent a whole day in bed !!!!!! LOL....( well its been a LONG 8 mths !!!!) The worst part was when we both went home to our own places...and i was alone again....BUT as with ALL reconciliation..I know its important to take things slowly.... we have both been for individual counselling which has cleared up so many issues that tore us apart....and i truly be;ieve we have not just worked thro the problems but at least for myself I now fully understand whre I went wrong and how I could have supported him more when he was been 'blackmailed' by his ex wife.... For the first time in a long time I feel at peace..and am confident now that we can find a way forward so we can be together again... I'll be honest I didnt do the NC...but what I did do was to get the right help in working out my feelings/ attitude....and also to really listen to my husband....he is sufering from depression which was triggered by the ex wife and her behaviour....but slowly we can get thro this I know we can... we are spending xmas toghether in a lovely country hotel...on our own... Bliss...I cant wait....more time in bed !!!!!! LOL I am thinking of you all especially during this holiday time.... I know i am so blessed to have more hope now in my relationship...to think 8 mths ago I was sat in a solicitors office talking abt divorce..and there really was no hope at all....heck...I have come such a long way.... my love and hugs to you all... futychick xxx

Ha Ha !!! Not joking though...you'd be a hit over here in England...!! We need an English Oprah !!!!!! xx

Hi Scruff... Im the worst at NC...but if you going to do it then the best way I think is not to announce it..it kinda spoils the surprise !!!!! Believe me..she's a woman...we catch on quick to been ignored...quicker than men !!!! She will work it out in no time that you have initaited no contact...I know I would...!!!! Listen to Superdave !! He full of fantastic advice..should have his own TV show !!!!!! LOL love and hugs futychick xx

Guest....in my experience if someone is depressed they act totally out of character...when my husband says /does someting that is unusal for him i say its the 'alien talking' not him !!!! he told me today that when he feels low he cant contact me...as he cant find the effort...its too much for him.....he prefers to stay in his 'cave' where he feels safe....BUT he seems happy most times when i contact him..... he also said its like having a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder....he has all these conflicting thoughts running thro his head...and sometimes cant make what shud be an easy decsion i have also learnt that sometimes he says things that he doesnt mean ..they can be quite hurtful things...but i have to try and ignore them... yes am still heartbroken...but have big progress i think.. today i had to visit the hospital for tests on a breast lump...I got the all clear !!!!!!!! my husband was there with me..holding my hand and cuddling me when i cried....( with relief)..for a few hrs i think he forgot his own depression and concentrated on me and my problem....he was so strong for me...but i know 7 mths ago he wudnt have been like that....so he has improved he took me out for a celebration dinner and he kept hugging me..and for a time it felt liek the old days..when we were 1st in love... now im home without him..and i miss him....but feel today has been a good day in more ways than one...!!!!! SO....guest..i do think there is always hope with someone who has depression...my husband says its like he is in a big fog....and every now and then it clears.....PATIENCE IS THE KEY....its a slow process.....but i just keep showing im here for him....and i think he really appreciates it....and today..when i neeeded him..he was there for me....how I love him !!!!! good luck guest.... love to you all... futy xxxxx

yes papa...you are right..re the NC thing... there are some circumstances whereby it isnt the right thing to do ..and i guess each of us know in our heart what is right for us... depression only complicates things as well...i went to see a counsellor to try and understand what depression m ust be like and what i can do to help... my counsellor said its like they have an alien who has taken over their body and mind..and that everytime my ex says something hurtful then i have to remember its the 'alien' talking/.... i guess that applies if we know there is still love/ care there...so we know there is hope. she also said that i should treat him like you would a child who is trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle....detach from them...and let them work it out themselves. the problem with depression is those affected live in a very negative world...its all doom and gloom....that s why i try to suggest nice things to do with my husband...go places he likes etc cos i know it may help him see a brighter world than the one he is living in his 'cave' at the moment... i know many people say you shudnt send cards/ gifts..etc....but i have...and my husband said he really appreciated it..it made him feel loved at a time when he felt very lonely...i didnt give him expensive gifts just little meaningful ones....like a small bar of his favourite chocolate...or some relaxing bubble bath...just things to lift his mood.... its hard going tho..isnt it ??? God knows i get depressed just thinking abt it !!!! LOL... BUT...God loves a tryer...and i certainly have tried... i think that if you believe in your heart that your relationship was meant to be and there is love on both sides, even if it is buried in confusion then hang onto that !!!!!! love and hugs futy xx

hi papa my husband is getting help for depresion but as you know it cantake some time to work thro. i think its important to keep focusiing on the 'good times' especially for our depressed partners as it is too easy for them to get sucked down into this spiral of depression by thinking only of negative things... SO....if your ex is looking at photos of your good times toghether that is good for her and also for your relationship... when my husband and i have been out for walk,,,meal or anything really..then we always have a good time..adn i make sure i am happy and upbeat... he always says our days out together are the best days he has had in a long time..in a way i try to recreate the good times we had together...even to revisit old places ...i know this has an effect on him...and slowly he is becoming the 'old' husband that i had before this'alien' took over his head....!!!! you do very well to let her initiate the calls....i foun that hard for me to do..and luckily the fact that i initiated most of our contact has not had a bad effect on him....in fact sumtimes he seems pleased that i rung him...its almost as if he were too scared to do it himself... i hope things go well for you... love and hugs futy xx

Hiya all and thanks for your good wishes etc... to try reply to some q's.. we had virtually no contact for 11 weeks....altho it became obvious to me after 2 weeks that my husband was having some sort of depression/ mid life crisis..as he text me telling me he was crying all the time...he seemed SO sure he wanted to be alone when he left but i just got the feelin that the doubt was beginning to creep in to his mind.. he left in the April and we had little contact ..just texts here and there...it was me that did the texting to start with...i guess it goes against everything that was said on here..but part of it was becos i was worried abt his state of mind... i asked him to meet for a coffee in June ..it was awkward and he was very nervous as was I ...we talked abt the family, work etc..and that was it.. i knew then that he still loved me..i could see it in his eyes..and i resolved then not to give up on him and me gettting back together... i knew he left for reasons that really was not abt me and him...it was the fact he couldnt cope with a relationship as he felt trapped... plus he told me he was waiting for counselling... we then met abt once a mth for a walk with his dog (which he left here with me)...we went out for a meal once or twice... during these times together we kissed, hugged and held hands while out walking....he was still edgy but it felt he was moving closer to me... then in Sept we just started meeting once a week..then 1 mth ago we started to meet 2xweek.. yes it was usually me that initiated the meets but I did something in Oct that changed him....I CHANGED ME.... i didnt mean to do it..but while on the phone with him i suddenly got fed up of it all....and i told him...i told him that i was going to get on with my life with or without him...told him i understood he was depresed but he was dragging me down now... he was really upset and told me he would start trying m,ore and put more effort into his counselling etc... I also started over the last few mths dropping memories into the conversation...good memories....to try and remind him what he was losing... AND the main thing is I never stopped been positive abt us...yes i have cried every day since he has gone..but i am a great believer in positive thinking..and self fullfilling propechy etc etc....so i try to visualise us been together again..... lady bug..i hope so much that you too can be positive even tho you may not feel it inside..this is a long process that is hard and it hurts....but if we can get to the other side then it is worth it.... my love and thoughts to you all futy xxx

Hi all... took a lot of thought before I posted this as I know its some good news and I dont want people to be offended...BUT I remember how I saved success stories from this site... in my favourites on my computer so that when I was feeling really down I could read them and give myself hope.... update on my situation.... my husband and I have been separated 7 mths....he left me...and told me he wanted to be alone...we had virtually no contact for 3 mths..then started seeing each other for coffee..once a mth..until 1 mth ago...then we started seeing each other twice a week... well..my good news is ...that in a few weeks we are going to our favourite romantic hotel to stay overnight....to spend our wedding anniversary together..!!!!!!! I feel like this is a massive step..and Im SO happy I feel I ve won the lottery.... We still have a long way to go....and im trying to be patient but when I think back to 5/6/7 mths ago..we have made so much progress.. Sometimes we dont see the progress we have made as our ex might only take small steps towards us....but it all counts.. what helped me was to write down EVERY positive move he made..rather than discount every one of his actions..then i could look back and see how things had improved... I have realised we are not going to go from been separated to been madly romantic again...it takes lots of baby steps to make the long journey !!! Im also still wary as i realise we are still not living together as man and wife yet...but im trying to be positive... and heres the weird bit !!!.anyone heard of cosmic ordering ??? Well Idid my cosmic ordering back in May...a bit sceptical..but thoguht i nothing to lose.... guess what I ordered ????...for us to spend our anniv night together !!!!! wrote it all down back in May..when we were seriously heading for a divorce.....weird but very true... hope i not upset anyone by been excited abt my news... my thoughts and love are with you all.... futy xxx

Good point Lady Bug. I agree it should be done after some time has elapsed ..and also when you feel your ex might be receptive... I have done this recently myself...I felt a * * * * * of hope with my husband..altho he did leave me becos of his depression...so every situation is differnet I literally ' put on an act'..I was happy, bouncy, full of beans, joking around...etc like we did when we first met...EVEN THOUGH...I felt terrible inside...depressed..wheepy all the time...BUT didnt let him see this.. I started smiling all the time at him....even though my heart was breaking....he must have thought I was crackers !!!! BUT lately he has started smiling too..and joking and laughing and for the 1st time in months I have seen the real him creeping back... we have gone from hardly any contact to now seeing each other twice a week....he said to me that he enjoys himself so much when he with me....that he wants to see me again....it takes him away from the times he is down and sad... if you keep smiling at someone they will eventually smile back...they might think you are weird at 1st but smiling is infectious...and you will get a response....!!!! I know its hard to laugh when your heart is breaking....but I pretend I am acting for a film...weird I know...but otherwise I couldnt do it.... it isnt easy...I know when I leave my husband after a date..I cry in the car when he has gone... good luck to you all....and remember if you ever see me getting an Oscar for my eforts remember where you 1st met me !!!!! LOL futy xxx

oh yes superdave... i DO understand that concern of yours...I have it too... BUT.......its just another one of life's risks....but she could meet someone at any time...and lets face it she didnt have to say all those things re...your relationship...she didnt have to say anything ??? It seems like she wants to try....my husband says to me ..." iF i DIDNT THINK THERE WAS ANYHTING LEFT BETWEEN US THEN I WOULDNT BE HERE NOW, IWOULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE" I know its tough....but sometimes life requires a leap of faith....you just never know...if people change one way and fall out of love with you then they can change the other way and fall back in love... Here is a nice story ..its very true......my parents separated 30 years ago..they hated each other ...they started divorce proceedins and 1 year after the separartion I remember standing in the divorce court with my mum....with my dad on the other side....they were there for the final hearing.. the judge who was about 70 yrs old....told them that he believed that if you have truly loved someone then it is always possible to ressurect that love if given a 2nd chance...he said it only took a small amount of love in someones heart to begin the steps towards reconciliation.. he then asked my parents if either of them had just a small amount of love for each other...left in their heart..they looked at each other and cried.... it was enough for the judge....he sent them off and told them to start again..just been friends at 1st..then dating..to see if the marriage could be saved... they did this..and less than a year later...got back together ..and have been together ever since...they are now both in their late 70's... that story always gives me hope....and reminds me that some things / people deserve a 2nd chance...and if you dont try then you'll never know !!!! xxxxx

super dave.... I can understand why she is saying that .... i think if you cant have a good friendship then the realtionship wont last anyway.. I have been separated from my husband for 7 mths...as he is depressed....but we have been seeing each other for 5 mths...just going out for walks, meals, cinema etc....we hug and kiss and hold hands but that is all.....nothing intimate....as he cant cope with it.... we are doing this as there is a chance for us to get back together...its hard for me..as we had a good marriage..and of course i want more from him but at the moment he wants to take it slow and i think that he is worth waiting for....of course we all have limits as to how much we can take but its diffrent for everyone...and depends on the circumstances.... girls like to be best friends as well as lovers... i guess its up to you if you want to take the chance..only you know if is worth the risk... my view is that life is full of risks and if you dont try then you will never know.... as longas i have breath then there is a chance for me and my hubby to start again.... SO my answer for you is that i dont think she is neccessarly been manipulative or anything....perhaps she genuinely wants to take is slow.... and there is only one way to find out .......i think.... but you will know deep in your heart the answer.... whatever is your 1st thought is usually the right one !!!!!!!! love and hugs futychick xx

Hi all... long time since i been on here... the story is......my husband left me suddenly 7 mths ago....he having some kind of midlife crisis / depression....??? has a lot of other issues apart from us..eg fear of dying and scared to live with anyone as cant cope with responsibilities... he is now having counselling....been 3 times so far.. we had a lot of problems in our marriage due to his EVIL ex wife who blackmailed him over the kids etc.... he recently admitted that if not for the trauma she put him and us through then we would be ok and together... we have been seeing each other for walks, meals out, cinema, etc...once a month to start with and now weekly...we kiss and hug and hold hands and outwardly are just a normal couple except we arent as we live apart... he has mellowed towards me recently and every now and then I see the husband i used to know ...not this one that seems to have been taken over by an alien...!!!! he told me he still loves me and fancies me but is stuck into coming back to our marriage fully.... he told me that if he didnt think there was a chance for us to reconcile then he wouldnt be seeing me like he does... so far i have given him the space to think ... HOWEVER tomorrow we are meeting and going for a walk...and are going to talk more seriously...abt his feelings / us etc..../ the future ...if any.... and i gues im scared cos i want to handle it well so i dont scare him .... I know he still loves me..i can see it in his eyes..and last week..when i told him i still loved and cared for him he broke down in tears in the restaurant and hugged me so tight .... have any of you got any advice for me ???? so i dont mess it up ????/ i would be SOOOgrateful cos my head hurts thinking of all this.... love and hugs to you all.... futychick xxxxx

Hiya all brief recap... my husband left me 5 mths ago...saying he cudnt cope with life, responsiblities etc...he is now in flat on his own... we have seen each other ..walk...meal out etc but all initiated by me... no progress with him as to us getting back together but he has finally started counselling and has had 2 sessions....he is depressed...no doubt... I decided to get tougher as i neede to get some control back in my life...I got some great tips from this forum and from DIvorce Busting by Michelle Weiner...great book !!!! So I stopped calling and waited..and YES ..after a week he messaged me..wanting to know what I up to etc.... I made the mistake of asking him to see me last weekend...he at first said yes then at the last minute said he couldnt...i was so upset WELL....I lost it....suddenly got fed up with it all..and told him so....told him i not gonna be the booby prize anymore...if he wanted me then he had my number and he knew where to find me......!!!! he rang me and said he missed me and did have feeling s for me and hadnt given up on our marriage .....but he needed time to sort out these issues...so i told him the ball in his court ...was up to him now to chase me... For 4 days i tried the positive thinking that was mentioned here last week....I actually visualised him texting me...cos he missed me...and spookily even visualised us going to the cinema together.... AND......he texted me today...4 days later..asking me to go to the cinema with him tomorrow night !!! I really pleased cos this is the 1 st time in 5 mths he has made the move to meet me.... I really going to stick at this..keeping contact minimum and having lots of positive thoughgts.... today was the lunar eclipse which means lots of change around us all...and i going visualise really hard that finally i gonna have some change for the better..... On a sad note I have just finished watching a very emotional programme on 9/11 that was televised over here in England...it was very sad and i cried and counted my blessings that i have good health and was not personally affected by something so bad... so...to all you lovely Americans....my thoughts and love are with you all as you remember those tragic events over the next few days.... love to you all.... futy xxxxx