onelittleladybug
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Everything posted by onelittleladybug
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That makes perfect sense what you both said. In every way. Sometimes a little bit of space and time to think is all a person needs to come around. But that doesn't always happen. Its really hard to wait for it because, again it might not happen. I shouldn't encourage you to do that. Its so easy when you're the dumpee to condemn everything that the dumper does. At least it is for me. I have to constantly remind myself that he is hurting too, deeply. The way I see it, its their own (i.m.o. lame) attitude thats hurting them and us but that doesn't change anything. I guess I just feel that your situation HDD is very similar to mine. I never posted my story, mostly because I didn't find the board until a couple months after the breakup and when I thought about posting it I was so generally confused to the reason why we broke up that I figured I would end up writing a 30 page story about everything and nothing. And Blender - I meant what I said. I think you give amazing advice. I have a really strong tendency to over analyze things so I try to compensate. Yes I think HDD's ex hasn't made a real and true effort but I guess I'm just hoping he will at some point.
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I'm quoting your original post where you said you planned to not respond for another 24 hours. You say you didn't have time to respond to her email. But somehow you managed to find the time to answer every reply on your thread and more. Looks like a game to me. People in here including myself, we are trying to help you. If you are just venting maybe you should do it on a blog or something. But the thing is - if you don't like the advice you get then just don't post.
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GFI Ive been following this thread lately... You ask whats changed and honestly man, I don't see a change in you. You have been playing a game with this but what you don't get is that she isnt playing with you anymore. When she asked for her stuff back you used silence as a method of asserting yourself. You've already said before that the reason why you broke up was that you were controlling. You still are and she doesn't like it. You feel like you once again have power over the situation because you have something she needs - her stuff. But the thing is if you insist on playing your game she might not even want the stuff anymore! She has managed without it so far right? You have received the same advice in different phrasing from tons of people in here. Sometimes kindly and sometimes harshly but always the same in essense. Your problem is that you are controlling and thats what you have to change. It doesnt matter what you do if you dont change the thought behind it. People sense why you do things and whats behind it. She will know exactly when you are playing a game and when you are sincere. She isnt sending you a message. She is doing whatever she needs to do to protect herself and her feelings. Which is the right thing for her to do and she has every right to.
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HDD - I totally agree with RC and DN. But I also understand that you feel that you need some time and space and that you feel frustrated. I think that whether you decide to work things out or not - ultimately its YOUR decision that you make for yourself. I definitely do think life is too short to let go of perfectly good love but just like people in here say - you cant force someone to stay in a relationship. When my fiance broke up with me I decided to be very clear that I wanted to work things out. I made that decision for the exact same reasons that RC mentioned, for myself. His logic was the same as yours - he felt that the fact that we had been having problems meant that things would get worse not better and it would be better to split now rather than in the future when we were already married and had kids. I personally think that is a really lame reason to split up but what can I say or do? Nothing but say what I want and what I believe in and then let it go. If he comes back (which I still hope for) I will know that he has changed his mind about this. If he doesn't then eventually I will find someone else to love. Well hopefully... Blender - you are so good at giving advice. Ive read so many things you've written on here that are just amazing. But I think in this case you are negatively over-analyzing the significance of his not calling (if that makes sense). I just think its good to take things at a face value - he said what he said when he said it. I get the feeling he is confused. Which (if Im right) is very real and not a good place to be in.
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HDD - Im really sorry to hear about your breakup. I just read this whole thread and I would like to add something: I personally would not leave a message if something bad happened. I like to tell people in person. If I cant reach them, I wont leave a voice mail about whatever it is thats bothering me or happening. I would take that as a completely valid reason for his call and not leaving a message. And I also know that I expect a certain behavior from my relationships (friends, family, lovers) based on history. Which means that if someone always calls back but then one time they dont - I put a huge significance into that and would definitely think that you didnt call because you werent ready to or didnt want to. Breaking up with someone you still love is the hardest thing you could ever do. We all have our moments of weakness. He may not be ready to say "lets give it another try" but dont you people think that they have these thoughts, the doubts? This is never a simple situation. I am all for being assertive and stating what you want. I definitely see nc as a way to do that. But I also dont think that its reasonable to hold a standard or expectations to how a reconciliation happens. What DN is saying makes so much sense to me. The challenge is how do you separate the illusion from the subtle reality? Its a really fine line. I dont know if this makes sense at all. I think the best thing to do is move on but keep the door open. But thats a REALLY hard thing to do.
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I was actually going to say that you should talk to her about this and then I read your last post. I would still talk about that kiss you read about because I'm worried that it will be eating you away for a long time if you don't. My guess is - since this is right before you broke up there were problems between you. Its not an excuse though. But yes - if you are giving your relationship a try again I think you should talk about all this. Tell her you found out about this, THEN let it go get on with your life and your relationship.
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Honestly, it sounds like its YOU thats playing games. And the thing is - people who play games always assume that everyone else does. Thats my 2 cents. The way you talk about her here, honestly it doesn't sound loving. It actually sounds just the opposite. But if you truly and completely love her, you can let her go no matter how much it hurts. You kinda sound like you need to feel like you have all the power. But thats only an illusion. You don't have power over her or this situation. Only yourself.
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Hi again I relate to you saying that its going to take you some time. But I also don't think that its good for you to assume it will take you years to find someone else. I read somewhere (maybe on this board - I cant remember) that rebounds are bad because you tend to go for the exact opposite of your ex. The thing is there was a reason why we were in love with the ex. Just now when I read what you wrote about the guy you're dating right now I got a deja vu from a previous breakup. Or actually the guy I dated afterwards. He was a really amazing guy but he was way too clingy and ended up totally creeping me out with his neediness. Its just the way it is and it will gradually get better.
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Goingforit - Im a bit confused. Did you come on the board for actual advice? Or are you only looking for one specific answer and ignoring the rest?
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Hi there Im sorry pal but her asking for her stuff means exactly that - she needs her stuff back. Her friend is not her. No matter what the friend does, you cannot interpret that as something coming from your ex. If your ex wanted you back SHE would do something about it, not send an agent. Unless she's in 7th grade. Ive been through all this. My ex crying (Ive never seen him cry ever before) every time I picked up my stuff, even when it was him who broke up with me. My ex mother in law to be sending me emails telling me she thinks its only a break. Her emailing again to tell me he wasn't dating. A week later I found his dating profile. I even got a love letter at some point from the ex. But its been 7 months and we are not back together. I know it hurts a lot but at this point you have to let go of control because you don't have any control of this situation other than what you can do for yourself. Of course your ex still has feelings for you but that doesn't mean she has faith in continuing. Like (the other) Lady Bugg says, I sincerely hope Im wrong about this but as Ive been there before... There are no other signs of your ex coming back other than her calling and saying she wants to give it another try.
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I agree with shikashika and annie. Just see what he wants. If he's trying to make friends, tell him its too soon and you need some space. Its impossible to tell from the message what he wants.
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Hi Parsley I remember reading another post about this before and this guy kinda sounded like he either had issues with his temper or a serious issue with rejection. Im a little bit concerned that you are going to get hurt again. I would advise you to avoid this guy as much as you can. There isnt anything that you can do or say to change him, you know? If he has those issues they arent going to go away overnight even if he is on his best behavior right now. You are such a beautiful girl. There are tons of nice guys out there that deserve your attention so much more.
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Goingforit: Blenders point was that even if the girl ended the relationship, she did so because she was forced to by her exes behavior. And I pretty much agree with everything Blender has said here. The OP was asking if he should send a valentines card. It sounds to me a little like you are projecting your own situation on the OP. If you want to give it some time and then show your ex that you have changed, then by all means do. You probably at least need to get it out of your system and maybe it will work for you. Just keep in mind that maybe it wont. Its been 7 months since my breakup and Ive been coming to this board for a few months. I went through a phase when I felt exactly like you are feeling. It didnt work out for me. My ex had doubts, he wrote me a love letter, I thought we would get back together. We havent. Most of the people on this board are giving their advice based on their experience. Its rare that a breakup isnt caused by 2 people. Maybe that girl was one of those few cases. Russ - my advice is the same as most others: Dont send the card.
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Just text her back something short and sweet that doesn't require any response. A simple "Thanks " should do. She wont be obligated to text back, you wont get into more texting and you can resume NC.
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Hi brdsong Im so sorry to hear this. I completely relate to what you are going through, my ex and I were engaged and although we had not set a date I had just been going through wedding plans when we broke up. I think this day is going to hurt terribly no matter what. Is there any chance you can do something huge like going on a trip with a friend to a foreign city? Something that would turn it into a really special day but in a totally different way. I am very likely going on a trip to Paris to meet my best friend there in April myself, April fools will be an anniversary of our first date and although I dont think I will be there that day I know it will help a lot if Im preparing to go on this trip. If you cant, then I would just surround myself with good friends that love you.
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Your breakup is an opportunity to learn, to do better next time. I was engaged to my ex and yet we broke up. There are no guarantees in life and being together for 2 years does not automatically mean marriage. People have a tendency to agree to things under pressure and then change their minds once the pressure has been relieved. Putting a time limit on someone almost always creates resentment. Maybe he wanted to want to marry you (if that makes sense) but the pressure took away all the pleasure of it. Getting engaged is supposed to be a happy thing and come from two people who on their own free will want to commit to being together for the rest of their lives, not get hitched because one or both are too afraid to lose the other. My engagement was a wonderful experience. But I have a friend who pressured her bf to marry her and it ended up being nothing but anxiety and hurt feelings. They ended up marrying much later but I think if she knew what she knows now she wouldnt have pushed so hard for it. My fiance left me and I know how much this hurt. I know how easy it is to be angry and blame him for everything. But the fact is that when a relationship ends its usually not just one persons fault.
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Hi there On the question regarding the party - I wouldn't go. Just do everything you can to protect yourself and don't contact him at all. Knowing what I know now, if I could go back change anything about my breakup I would have walked away and not said a thing. Regarding all the other stuff - he may be acting like a spineless coward but you definitely put pressure on him to marry when you said that you wanted to be engaged between 3-6 months. I don't think its ever good to pressure someone to marry you. I only say this because in your OP you say you didn't pressure at all but this is definitely pressure. Im sorry all this happened to you.
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THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71
onelittleladybug replied to SuperDave71's topic in Getting Back Together
Thanks for your answer Superdave Im still a bit confused... Yes I completely agree that people dont just miraculously fall out of love. In my case what me and the ex had was the perfect vs all the partials that came before we finally met. And I know thats what everyone says but really, Im 34 and this definitely not my first relationship but neither of us had ever experienced anything close to this before. So I think youre right that these feelings cant just go away. The analogy about the sky being yellow or blue I completely relate to although Ive really given up on trying to convince him that its blue... But this part I am struggling with: So by that do you mean that when the feelings hit you, you just let them go through you without resisting or trying to hold onto them? Or do you mean that you actually use willpower to not think about it? In all honesty Im not ready to meet someone new. I am so aware that I will constantly compare them to him that it just doesnt make any sense to do it. I keep thinking I should get back into the dating pool and maybe I will try sometime soon (its been 7 months since the breakup) but I think its impossible to fall this deeply in love so soon again and I wont want anything less than this. The only time when I seriously think about doing it is when I think about his dating profile which bothers me a lot. So I try to not think about it. But Im afraid that if I let these feelings go through me that it will build up again and I will start thinking about him too much and then eventually break NC etc etc etc... -
Theres a book called "Getting back together". It doesnt tell you how to win someone over again, it just talks about how to make the best of your second chance with someone. I also read How to get your lover back. Its sweet, its cute and I WANTED to believe it a few months back. But I honestly think that its complete bs and even a little bit dangerous. The book that Im reading now has nothing to do with getting back together or relationships at all but I still think its a really good read for anyone who's heart is broken. Its called "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire" by Deepak Chopra. Its very spiritual so if youre not into that sorta thing it might not be your cup of tea. After looking for 7 months for all kinds of literature on this subject I personally have decided that this forum is the only thing Ive found so far that helps. Someone really should write a book about this though. Superdave??
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THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71
onelittleladybug replied to SuperDave71's topic in Getting Back Together
Superdave - During your time away from your ex, after you went NC, did you have moments of romantic feelings for her? Its been 3 weeks since last contact and I am in NC now. I was doing LC before that. I haven't given into memories or thoughts of him, only the breakup and how bad that felt. Then last night it hit me again, the good memories and the love we had. Not in a sad way and not wanting to call him, just feeling those feelings of love again. I know that I cant let someone new in if I give into this but its also a relief from all the negative thoughts. How did you deal with this? Would love some advice please. Thanks. -
Hi, umm.... Its a little bit suspicious to me that you haven't fought for 16 months. I just don't think its possible to not get p/o'd with each other every now and then and I'm thinking she did the classic female thing of not saying anything until it was too late. I personally would take it as a sign that something is really wrong if people never fight. But yes, at this point there is nothing left for you to do but stop contacting and just see what she does. Hopefully at some point she will contact you and then maybe you can have a talk about what happened.
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Thanks superdave, ironpumper, ebsmith. Glad you like the post.
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Ironpumper, Scout and SD are giving you some really good advice here. I just want to add one thing. Can you think of how it would be if you focused all this energy that you spend thinking of her on yourself for a while? Maybe just try an hour at a time or a day. After my breakup all my thoughts and feelings focused on him only, being mad at him for leaving, wanting to change him and change his mind. Then I focused on me but I only focused on whats wrong with me and how I contributed to the problems in the relationship. Then I focused on him again for a while... But then one day I found myself thinking of me, what I want, what I need, how I need to make my life better and how I can. The breakup is still on my mind in the morning, during the day and at night when I go to sleep but instead of having that desperate feeling I focus on my needs instead. I think about how I wasnt getting what I needed either. I still feel anger sometimes and get upset but at this point what that tells me is that I AM NOT READY to go back. When I stopped thinking about what I could do to get him back, I realized I was far from ready. My life was in a downward spiral before the breakup and after my mind had cleared up enough to have rational thoughts again I realized that was the first thing I had to focus on before anything else. I don't assume that I will get back together with the ex but I don't completely deny it either. Last night I made a deal with myself that when the time came that he expressed remorse (in my experience they usually do at some point) I would be true to myself and not push him away just because I was angry. But I know that if/when that happens I have to be ready because I don't want to go through something like this again.
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I just mailed the rest of my exes stuff to him and got a delivery receipt to make sure I cant call him to ask him if he got the stuff. I'm the worried type and its sometimes a convenient way to lie to myself. I haven't read all your posts so I don't totally know whats going on but if you are in nc then I would send it rather than drop it off yourself. You asked if that wouldn't look like too much effort - I would say that driving all the way over there with a box is a lot more effort than dropping it off at the post office. And no - even if its a big box its not that expensive.
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Yup I agree. Mail it.
