onelittleladybug

Thanks to both of you for your replies. Your advice is good and totally valid but I'm still really confused. Ive been blogging for almost 5 years now under the same name. Its been a HUGE part of my life and its really hard for me to give it up. My family reads, my friends read and then I have a bunch of blog-buddies that I will miss. My blog is a part of my history, I created a really strong presense for myself and had a big group of readers once before I decided I didn't like it and wanted to be more private. Also - I moved out of the home me and the ex made for ourselves, my life changed a lot and I lost a lot. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose or give up more. In many ways thats just giving too much power to the breakup and the !@#%$ attitude of my ex. He was the one who ended things. If I gave up my current blog I kinda would feel like he was taking this away from me and that will cause even more resentment which I definitely dont want. I tried removing my tracker so that I wouldn't know if he's reading or not. But even that is hard because I want to know when my sister reads, if my dad is reading etc. I did try locking the diary for a while but it just didnt work out.

I kinda cant believe I'm about to say this but... If you want to save your marriage my advice would be to not tell her about the affair. And then - I think you should do whatever it takes to be completely on your own for a couple months. That would mean not seeing the gf and just seeing the wife once a week or so. Mostly just spending your time doing a lot of thinking. In your most recent posts you sound like you're feeling really guilty and also a little bit feeling sorry for yourself (sorry I'm not trying to be mean, just honest). The thing is all this guilt is not going to help either in rebuilding or building a relationship. Ive heard all these things before about not being able to afford another place etc. Personally I think its mostly an excuse. Its amazing how people find a way to afford things when they are convinced they are doing the right thing. It sounds to me like you and your wife aren't completely willing to let go of each other. Most of all you sound VERY confused. One minute youre raving about the gf and the next you want your wife back. Thats why I think you need to be totally alone for a while. You spend so much time thinking and going back and forth between those two women that you are completely losing focus on the most important thing which is you.

I'm doing strict NC after 5+ months of LC (almost 7 months since the breakup). I'm already feeling better now that Ive decided to not talk to my ex again, at least not for a long time. But theres one thing that I am having problems with. Im a blogger, and my ex has always been my most devoted reader. He was reading my blog even before we met. Ive been blogging more lately, it has helped with my healing. Im pretty sure that he's been reading the whole time since the breakup but I think he was hiding for a long time. Lately Ive seen someone on my tracker that Im pretty sure is him and since I told him I wanted NC I think he wants me to know he's reading. He was pretty upset about the NC last time we talked. I dont think he is reading to see if I'm talking about him as I try to avoid writing about the breakup on there. So there are two things about this. First of all, this is a very passive aggressive contact in some ways and it affects me. I'm wondering if I'm ok with it or not, but I cant help thinking about it. The breakup was completely devastating, I didnt even know it could be so hard to break up with someone. Ive been a mess for a long time and I still think about all this every day. I definitely need some time to heal. Secondly, it kinda bothers me that he knows everything thats going on in my life (through my blog) and I have no idea whats going on in his. I guess I want him to really miss me. He was the one who broke off our engagement and moved 850 miles away. He has a completely new life now. I don't want to know when he finds someone else. But I also don't want him to know when I start dating. I'm not dating now because I'm not ready. Should I stop blogging? I don't know how I feel about that. I tried to start a new blog before but it was kinda weird. My blog has been a part of my life for much longer than he has. I would really love to hear from some of you NC enthusiasts on here and also if there are any bloggers and how you have dealt with this?

I think two things are possible: He either just went along and told you everything he thought you wanted to hear and did all these things for the same reason. Or he got scared. If I'm right on the first one, he's not worth your efforts and energy because he doesn't know who he is yet. If I'm right on the second one you're doing the right thing and just stay on this track and keep your dignity and grace. If he got scared I wouldn't be surprised if he came back. You can use the time to re-evaluate what you want. I don't date younger guys for this exact reason. I know it sounds really cynical and I'm not saying that its ALWAYS the case (my very young just about 20 something year old cousin has a much older girlfriend, they had a baby and are a really happy couple. It happens.) But in my experience, many young guys will say and do anything to pursue that older woman they are infatuated with. They mean it in the moment that they say it but they dont have what it takes to keep their words. They WANT to be that guy that they are projecting but they cant fast forward. They have to go through whatever it is that a person has to go through to come to that place of wanting to settle down. This has been my experience so far, but I don't want to be jaded and I definitely don't want my jadedness to transfer on you.

I completely and absolutely agree with everything Blender just said. I wish I could be that nice to you. I usually try to keep my opinions to myself on this board, there are many situations and some of them hard to understand. But this time I cant keep it to myself. Im just in awe of your post. You say that your wife changed 12 months ago and that you have been cheating on her for 9 months. That means that only 3 months after you noticed a change in your wife you went to someone else. And thats after 6 years together. What separates human beings from animals is the ability to not give into any emotion or desire that we experience. You were fully able to change your feelings at any point. It just takes determination and character. I dont really think you have a right to an opinion on whether its "appropriate" or "fair" that she can leave without talking to you. In your OP you express regret over losing your best friend (her). Well you betrayed your best friend. Just like she has no power over the fact that you cheated on her and left her without trying to work things out, you have no power over her choice - the things she has to do to heal. Your wife deserves so much better than this.

Nope, I would think not. Most women find it attractive in men that they fight for an existing relationship, but being overly persistent in pursuing someone you aren't in a relationship with is most often just annoying at best. If you're trying to win someones affection the push and pull approach works better, especially if it comes from a place of being genuine and sincere vs silly game playing and pretending.

Longhaircats - I don't see anything wrong with a happy bday text. I would rather send the wishes than ignore it. But just remember thats all it is and it wont lead to anything else.

I'm really conflicted about this one too and have been wondering what to do. On one hand I feel like I should throw it all away as a symbolic gesture of a fresh start and a clean slate... On the other - I threw out a pretty big box of letters from one ex. Then when he took his own life a couple years later I deeply regretted it and still do 10 years later. When I look back at that, it makes me think I should resist the temptation. My ex will after all always be a part of me as he is a part of my past.

I'm a bit more cynical I guess... I think shes doing it to feel like she has something to go back to, and to not feel lonely when shes in town. I know that when I moved away I entertained all kinds of fantasy's about my exes that were mixed up with feelings of homesickness etc. I think its a bit selfish now.

This line was probably designed to provoke reaction. My guess is she's disappointed that you didn't fight for her. But that has to be her problem though - right?

Well yeah thats sorta the point Its only been 6 months since my breakup and I still have a lot of regrets but I want to think that I learned from all this. I think we would have made it if we had done things differently but I'm finally getting to the point of letting go and accepting the facts.

If I knew what I knew now I would still do it, but do about 80% of it differently.

Blender - that was an awesome advice! Just awesome. Persuaded - I'm in a similar situation. My ex fiance has been very vague with me since our breakup and said things like "I don't want you to wait for me" while he also says he wants to spend time with me and see where that goes, that he misses me and has some hope. Its enough to drive anyone nuts and its showing me a side of him that I don't want to know about. I don't want to see him act like a j***. I want to be able to remember him the way I knew him, as a wonderful person. I recently called him and told him that at this point, I needed an effort to spend time together (he moved 800 miles away after the breakup) and try to work things out whether that meant we would get back together or at least build a foundation for a friendship. He took it like I was giving him an ultimatum and once again acted like the power was all his. I told him that this wasn't his decision, this was my decision to make but I needed some information from him to make it. I figure at this point, honestly hes spoiled. He's been spoiled by my dedication to try to work things out which he has had for a long time now. Every time we had a fight when we were together he turned it into an issue of whether or not to break up - even way before either of us was ever ready for it. I always fought for our relationship. But I'm done - I wont do it anymore. So I told him I wouldn't be contacting him again as I was not ready to be friends but if he changed his mind and wanted to try to work things out I hope he gives me a call. I agree with Blender - I think theres a very slim chance he will actually do that. But I wont wait anymore. When he said "I don't think its fair to you to wait for me" I knew that deep down he wanted me to do exactly that. But I cant. Its time for me to take care of myself. Its been 6 months since the breakup and Ive never done NC before but I did LC for a while. The longest Ive ever gone without talking to him is 3 weeks and I'm only 1 week into nc but I feel 7 times better than ever before. I'm sure there will be moments when I'm not feeling this confident and may want to call but Ive finally committed to do whatever it takes to make me feel better. Let us know what you decide to do.

I completely agree with Finewhine. The way you end a relationship is crucial. If you don't do it thoughtfully and respectfully you damage any chance of friendship and/or getting back together if that would ever come up. You sound resentful because she is angry but you are holding her accountable just as unfairly as she is. I didn't like the way my relationship ended and although my ex knows I am working really hard on forgiving him, he doesn't seem to realize (at least not yet) that what I need from him is an apology. If I knew he was sorry and felt he was wrong in how he left me (he pretty much refused to talk to me or gave very vague answers after the breakup and we lived together and were engaged) I would feel better. I definitely would. When one person tries very hard to fix whats wrong in a relationship and the other just walks away, the one who is left feels humiliated and ignored. You would definitely be a bigger person if you could swallow your pride and just go to her, say you're sorry and whatever she says - just say yes, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry I made you feel that way. She is probably still caught up in confusion between wanting to think highly of you as she did when you were together, and being disappointed with you. Its a really tough situation to be in. I totally disagree with Ash. Even if there may not be any good ways of breaking up its totally easy to see that some ways are far worse than others.

Shes probably already having trouble with the new guy and wants to know what she is doing to contribute to that. My advice is don't answer the question.

I didnt see anything in your email that said that you didn't want to talk unless he wanted to try to work things out. I didn't see anything in your email about no contact either. Unless there is something I'm not getting, I don't think theres anything about your letter that says don't contact me. I sent letters like this when I went through my breakup 6 months ago. My experience was that it didn't help at all. I don't agree with all the people on the thread screaming don't do it because I don't think one or two letters like that cause THAT much damage unless you get progressively desperate but I do think that if theres any chance of reconciliation letters like this wont help with speeding things. The letter did sound needy. Just remember that NC is for you to heal. Not to make anyone do anything. If you approach it that way you will find yourself waiting, then you will get impatient that they're not reacting the way you want them to and then you most likely will explode and break NC in a stupid way. That at least seems to be the general consensus on the board. If you're serious about NC, then make that final phone call and tell him that you don't want to talk to him unless he wants to work things out. But whatever you do - don't make that phone call unless you are 200% sure you can keep your words because if you don't it will make you look really bad to him.

My breakup happened 6 months ago and Ive been in agony ever since and completely obsessed about getting back together. At some point I wasn't even sure if it was more out of habit than genuine desire to get back with him. There has been some ambiguity on his part which has really fueled my reconciliation fantasies but last week I had enough and told him finally that I am going to stop contacting him because I'm not ready to be friends (he claims he's not asking to be friends but that he just wants to see me cause he missed me). This is the first time I go into NC since the breakup. I'm ready now. Yes I miss him terribly and didn't want things to go like this but I'm starting to realize what an effort it would be to get back together and work things out and that he is very simply not making this effort and there is nothing that says he ever will. So... Yesterday I went out driving around in the city, down to the beach and some scenic and beautiful places and I experienced a new feeling since the breakup. All those places that have for the past months brought on painful memories and felt like they belonged to the relationship or him, they weren't his anymore. They felt like mine again. I was able to tap into all the memories of those places from before the relationship and it felt really good. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. But I just finally caught a glimpse of freedom from all the heartache and felt like I have myself back again.

Hi there It kinda sounds like you are in denial. If you enjoyed married life so much there must have been something about your ex that you loved, I understand that you didn't love him by the time you divorced but you only met this guy 2 months after your divorce. It also kinda sounds like you're pressuring him, you've only been together 6 months. No matter how much you love married life - it doesn't sound like you have been truly single for a long time so how can you know the difference? He sounds like a really reasonable person and I actually think he has a really good attitude about this. He sounds really genuine to me. I would listen to his reasons and respect them and just take the pressure off for a while. Just be in the moment and stop rushing so much.

Its definitely going to hurt no matter how you do it, you are right about that. Interestingly I just had this conversation with my ex this week, again 6 months after the breakup. His side is that communication was broken and so there was no point in trying to communicate anymore. I deeply disagree, I think that no matter what happens you should always at least still try to discuss things. Thats my point of view. In your relationship there are three entities: You, her and the Relationship or "us". If you make your decisions completely without her you are (in my opinion) disrespecting the relationship/us. If you do it that way, you may easily destroy the "us" factor and that means that you dont even leave anything to build a friendship on. So - I would think really hard if this is the way you want to do it. The thing is I know nothing about your relationship. It might be completely horrible so that if you told me the details I would tell you to run as fast as you can, I dont know. Im TOTALLY projecting my own situation on yours and Im not even trying to hide it ;-) But I thought I'd just give my 2c. I would definitely not do nc if you are leaving her. Thats just too much unless she is the stalker type, and guaranteed to hurt her deeply. As I understand nc its more for the dumpee to heal and regain dignity.

I agree with red. I was recently in your gf's shoes although my breakup wasnt as planned. I felt really humiliated and hurt by the fact that I had no power whatsoever. He made all the decisions by himself and without giving my thoughts and feelings any weight. I would have liked to be given a chance to improve and work on the relationship before having to move out, find a new place and finally putting an end to my engagement and my life as it was. In many ways that was one of the biggest problems we had - the fact that he just couldnt make decisions that were for the benefit of the relationship. He was only able to make decisions that were good for him as an individual. Im sorry if Im projecting my situation on yours, but I thought I would put this out there in case this helps you and your situation at all. At least think about doing this in a way that makes her feel like she has some saying in this or some kinda power over the situation so that if you guys end it she can walk away with dignity. Or else you will find yourself with a really bitter ex that will potentially have a really hard time with letting go.

Hi Ramsickle OK you are not going to like what Im about to say. Working 12 hrs a day is not an excuse. There are 12 more hours left and most people spend only 7-8 of them sleeping so theres at least 4 left. Three months is a long time. I would try to detach from expectations at this point if I were you, you can leave your door open but try to find a way to spend less energy on this. You are not in a committed relationship with this person so all your efforts of being understanding and accommodate his schedule sound a bit off to me. Personally I think that when you get to a point in any kind of casual relationship (friends, dating) where you start to wonder why they're not spending more time with you, it ALWAYS means that you need to step back a bit yourself and focus on your own life. The way you describe your physical connection is a red flag to me. I think that most of the time when you have that with someone its because there is a lot of excitement that comes from uncertainty and even some kind of power struggle. Its fun for a while but then very often if not always it turns sour. In all honesty it sounds like you had become bored and numb in your marriage and now you're addicted to the excitement of this new guy. I think you are totally right that you need to give yourself some time to heal after the divorce because even if you had checked out emotionally a while before you still need to go through the process of feeling the change this brought to your life. Im not saying that what you have with the new guy is a bad thing or that it cant have any potential, I'm just saying that it really sounds like you should focus on yourself for a while and not some guy.

Honestly I think you need to stop going through his email before even thinking of a reconciliation. Thats totally not cool. I can understand to a point doing it once but you keep on doing it. Its definitely not ok and just keep in mind that if it was a regular mail its even illegal. I know you asked for a reconciliation story but this actually reminds me of a couple I know who broke up because she read his diary. Before that I did not know another couple more in love. After she read his diary it was completely unrepairable.

Why would you focus on being the one who got away? Why not focus on being "the one"? If all you worry about is whether someone misses you or regrets leaving you, I'm pretty sure everyone goes through it even if its just a brief moment. I personally believe that if thats what you focus on then thats what you will get. Regrets or missing may bring you together but what will make you stay together?

Hi joiseygrl Maybe this will help: Its very possible that your ex or his gf or both, have a tracker and know exactly when you check their page. And if that doesn't help - its basically a habit, like smoking. You just gotta stop. Even if you're not feeling bad now you will still feel better once you've stopped. I used to check my exes dating site. He took it down but I still checked to see if he put it up again. Until I stopped. I cant tell you how much better I feel. BTW I did it very much like DN recommends.

Awesome!!!!!!!! This is such good news. Now keep going like this! I am so very happy to hear this.