onelittleladybug

When my ex and I broke up 3.5 months ago I learned something really important about my friends. No matter how much they want to help and say they want to be there for you, they always end up projecting their own insecurities on you and your situation. Especially the friends who are a couple because they always think your relationship should be like theirs. Its been really hard for me to listen to advice from people I love dearly once I figured this out because no matter how much I adore them and like their significant others I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be in their relationship if that makes sense. Only because what works for them doesnt necessarily work for me. My commitment-phobic friend always talks about my breakup from that angle. The one who believes people cheat is convinced my ex left me for someone else (he absolutely did not, I am 100% sure). My friend who hasnt had sex with her husband for 2 years but they stay together out of the habit just thinks that my ex wasnt the one for me and I should go and find someone else, just like its as easy as going to the supermarket. Its really strange to go through this. Only you and your ex know what is going on between you. If someone offers advice think about how it feels and if it doesnt feel right dont do it. That includes strangers on the internet Also another thing - Ive been in therapy and my 2 closest friends are therapists so I know this: If your therapist is encouraging you to do something this dramatic I think you might have a reason to question them. He/she should ask you this question "if you do this now - what do you think the consequences would be and how do you think you would feel about having done this say 2 months later and then a year later?"

I know it hurts, Ive been there - in fact I am there. Was engaged for 1.5 year. But time apart is not a bad idea sometimes. Chances are this is time apart and you come out of it as a stronger couple and if thats not what happens then its better to find out now than down the road when youre already married. The reason why I reacted so strongly to your letter is that I sent some letters, not this strong though, but some that I wish I had not sent. Its been 3.5 months and we both feel a lot different about things. We are going to meet soon (he moved out of state, I had refused to go with him). We will see. But its just so painful if you close a door that you want to open later but then its too late.

I personally think its not wise to start NC until there has been only positive communication for a while. You can do NC to cool down when things are really negative right after a breakup but then I think you should break the NC and establish something really positive before resuming NC. The dumper should definitely feel like they can contact you. Youre just not after them.

I would definitely not send this letter unless you really want to kill this relationship once and for all. Also - like every other person who replied to this post I advice you to never say that you are going to stop calling. It will really make you look bad ESPECIALLY when you cant keep your words (and you probably wont). You just stop. Believe me he will notice. Think about it - if he actually responded to this by making a u turn and come back to you, what kind of relationship would you find yourself in then? That would make him a pushover and you would never ever feel wanted with him. You would always wonder if - if you had given him the space would he have come back to you eventually because HE wanted you not just because you dont want to let go? There are some thoughts you need to share and then there are some thoughts you keep to yourself. This is the kind of letter you write and then burn. If you kept it (and didnt send it) I promise you that a few months down the road if you read it again you will not feel the same or at least not with the same intensity. If you send it you will regret it. The general rule of communication between you and your ex should be that you always ALWAYS give the other person an oportunity to improve but you dont push for it. The saying "be careful what you wish for - you just might get it" applies here. You will get what you put out there and is this really what you want? He is going to take every word literally and walk away and never look back no matter if it really hurts him. Finally - if youve been calling obsessively then chances are he wont read the whole thing but he browse through it and get the point. No matter how you look at it sending this will make you less attractive to him. I once got back together with my boyfriend after a 3 month breakup. I called every time during the time apart and I could see he still wanted me but he didnt need to lift a finger. The relationship was bad before the first breakup but it was horrible after we got back together because I never felt wanted and thus became needy and clingy etc. I am using that experience to learn from now that Im apart from someone who is truly and really important to me. I am so grateful today that he wasnt the one for me and that I had learnt from this by the time I met someone who was amazing. I know it sounds weird in this age when everyone is talking about commitment phobia but personally I believe that everyone has the right to take their time and get some space to think about choices that are going to have a huge effect on the rest of their lives. I even think its healthy and good. I dont know what the situation was between you but if you were in fact thinking of making a commitment to each other then good for him to step back and reflect on it IF thats what he is doing. How you deal with this situation is going to have a huge influence on his decision. You should also be thinking about the same things and how/if you can deal with his behavior under stress if this is how he responds to that. Do not pressure him to make this decision and do not push him away if your feelings are true. PS - I just read Blenders reply and totally agree.

Getting married is a huge decision. I dont think I even realized what was involved until I got engaged myself. So many new questions, so many things to deal with. Even just dealing with how family and friends react to it is a whole dimension. Theres you, theres her, theres you and her and THEN theres everyone else. You already know this Ibenhad since youve been down that road already. She might actually be doing the right thing in taking her time to think. Im going to read your previous posts about this when I find the time. BTW are you out of your exes house yet?

Hi Im new here, been lurking for a while. Saw this post and want to comment: I wouldnt give up hope but just make sure you go on with your life. Also - work on changing so you dont make the exact same mistakes again with this girl or another, whatever happens. I dont think that you can lose if you stay with this and hold onto hope. I dont think that forcing yourself out of love is ever a good thing - it can be just as bad as going to fast in a relationship. Sometimes it happens naturally but you cant force it either way. Personally Im ambivalent about nc but thats maybe because my ex moved to another state after we broke up and I want us to have positive communications now as I dont think his faith will be restored if the memory of the negativity and pain of the breakup is the last impression he gets. We talk every other week or so. We are going to meet again and see... Im being patient. To me its completely worth it. My problem with NC is that I would worry that each person either only remembers bad things (because its easier to move on if you only think about the bad things) or that they only remember the good things and then want to come back but once theyre back there hasnt been any change and everything goes right back to what it was before. Im inclined to think that these couples in here that say they got back together because of NC actually got back together in spite of NC but thats just me. Some people cant tone it down and then in those cases nc might be best. Which brings me to this: Your email is beautiful and I totally support the meaning behind it but your choice of words is really dramatic... Women tend to want to see if the guy can stick to his words. I dont know your story you mentioned an fwb situation and I wouldnt be surprised if some consistency and faith is what she needs from you. Hang in there, let her know youre still there but the promises of undying love until your deathbed - well I would tone it down. She might think youre a little full of it, please dont be offended. But especially if she feels you havent been treating her right and then once you break up youre all promises and roses. Its about what you do. Not what you say. You can promise her the moon but it dont mean you will deliver. Definitely think about whether you can keep your promises before you make them. If in fact you treated her badly then it will take you a lot of time to prove youre not going to do it again. Turning your back on her now would only prove what she already suspects. I vote yes on texting her. I would keep it sweet and simple though. Just a simple "hi - I hope youre doing well" and maybe sometimes "just went to [some place] and it reminded me of you". Dont do it too often and dont do it if you think you cant deal with not getting a reply from her.

Hi Im new here but have been reading for a few weeks. A lot of people here ask if there are any success stories. I personally would love to hear some but since people dont really have so many here I thought Id post some of the ones I know about. I dont know if you guys think this counts, but in my family most people have been together really long term, there are few divorces. Almost all of the couples in my family split up for a few months within the first 2-3 years of their relationship before getting back together permanently. My best friend and her husband met when we were 17 and were together for about 18 months before splitting up. They never forgot each other and finally got back together about 4 years later and have been together now for 10 years. Another good friend of mine broke up with her live in boyfriend for a year before getting back together again. My fiance and I broke up and got back together a week later last year but that was such a short break it hardly counts. Its been 3 months since we broke up again. It was his decision. I know hes not sure about this. We have talked about spending some time together but I can hear he's not ready to come back completely. Im trying to focus on myself but many times I slip into obsessing about this. I havent really called obsessively and Ive been doing minimal contact but I was really angry at first and now Im trying to focus on positive things between us. He moved 1000 miles away for a job (I refused to go with him at first and then changed my mind but it was too late). I feel like I have to at least have a month or two more of reminding him of the good things between us before doing nc. Its working somewhat but slowly and I have to be careful to not push for any answers. I am not ready to let go and neither is he but he says he cant ask me to wait for him which gets on my nerves big time since he sent me a love letter about a month ago but I know he has a lot of things to figure out and that I wont stop loving him just out of the blue and Im not ready to date anywhere near soon anyway. I hope my stories helped a little. I would love to hear from other people if they reconciled or know someone who did.