stopit

You can weigh 800 pounds and have third degree burns covering 80% of your body and still have luck with the ladies. I'd say it's part physical (but that's only in the initial phase - as time wears on (and I say this about girls who have depth to their personalities) it matters less and less), part maintenance (if you keep yourself clean and care about your health), part personality (obviously, though this is something that wouldn't necessarily get you rejected on the first date unless you start doing something along the lines of verbally/physically abusing your date), part approach (the way you carry yourself in public and approach women), part luck (how many pots of gold you find at the end of rainbows), and part about connections (i.e. you know people who have single friends, you work in a place a lot of singles are at, etc.). So which factor is it? I'm sure I've left some other unforeseen factor out - feel free to name it. Once you consider what it may be, layout a plan to "fix" it. If you don't shower and smell heavily, well, there's an easy fix to that. The factors that I would assume are problematic are the approach and connection (and quite possibly luck). Approach applies in that you lack confidence, as the other posters have said, and in that posture and other such factors are important in your presentation of yourself. Approach also constitutes the attitude with which you approach initiating a relationship: if you come of as too needy or too serious or too demanding, that's going to throw people off on the first date. Connection is also important in that you're probably looking in the wrong places. Make yourself available and go out to a book store, a restaurant, a single's bar - wherever possible! - and make sure you're using open body language (e.g. roll your shoulders back, keep your head up, don't look at the ground, smile, keep your back comfortably straight and walk with an air of confidence).

Well, there are two ways you can go from here. You can come to the realization that happiness is not dependent on romantic love (which I think is perfectly healthy and something you ought to do regardless), or you can keep looking until you find someone promising (which is something that seems to be important to you, something that you don't seem to want to give up). Ideally, you'd do both and be better off for it! If you stop placing so much emphasis on your singleness and stop feeling like a failure, you'd boost your self esteem a bit and increase your "approachability" factor (something that is easily dragged down by feeling down). In the end, love isn't some panacea that will automatically make you happy: it's something you have to work for to maintain (you're probably well aware of this, but idealizing love gets dangerous in terms of expectations). It's perfectly healthy to be single and happy, and it's something you can do if you let yourself excel and reach your potential in other areas (i.e. do something rewarding; the reward of a relationship can be replaced by the reward of contributing to the community or of advancing in your work place). But this doesn't mean that you don't deserve a relationship. There are tons of shy guys out there who get girls. Make yourself available, and if there's no one in your neighborhood, then go to places where you're bound to meet new people. Join groups, a book club, a community service group, anything group-based. Keep trying, but don't put the focus of your actions on getting a relationship. See all the above activities work in two ways: self improvement and meeting new people. It's having that second purpose that will make you more resilient and will also give you more things to talk about when you meet new people.

Whenever you use clinical sounding terminology like involuntary celibacy, I tend to think that people get too comfortable with the label and begin to think its unconquerable. It's good to do research online to get a better understanding on parallels between your life and these other accounts, but never label! I'm just being petty here about semantics, but psychologically it can make a huge difference in how you approach this situation. If you think it's a fear of rejection that's causing you to act differently around attractive girls, work on your confidence. The best way to work through rejection is to take baby steps, like HealingHands was saying about the person who tests the water then goes back out and then goes in slowly, taking 2 steps back for every 3 steps forward. The most important thing is that you make sure you take things at a pace your comfortable with. It would help if you tell the girls interested in you that you need some time and just be honest with them so that they will not only give you the space/time you need but also supplementary support. Maybe what scares you is the prospect of change? If this is something unfamiliar (or maybe even new) to you, it might take some warming up to. The notion of being in a relationship may be scary because losing an attachment may seem harder than losing a prospective attachment because there are very real emotions involved. But if you fear loss before you've even experienced it, how can you possibly get anywhere in life? It's risky, but the benefits are well worth the 0.5% chance of death (2 wk warranty).

Everyone goes at their own pace. You can't just say that girls are too fast if some of the girls that you are ready to be with aren't quite there yet either. Depending on the number of times this has happened to you, maybe it's just bad timing? I agree with Aurian that you too have to contribute to the relationship or else it won't go anywhere. If you're scared but aren't communicating your want to slow things down, it might get miscommunicated as disinterest, so she'll figure that you two have irreconcilable needs and move on.

Make an excuse to talk to her. If she's really good at math, then you have a perfectly valid reason to approach her if you have a problem you're stuck on. Or if it's hard for her, then make conversation before class about how hard and painful math can be. The fact that you both have math class in common is something you can easily use to your advantage to begin a conversation and then change the topic to something a bit more interesting and a little less mundane. Are you afraid of making her nervous because she's generally nervous around guys? If you don't make it obvious that you are making a move on her and just chat a bit, there shouldn't be any problem. If she's shy and doesn't talk much at first, don't get discouraged; she's bound to get more comfortable with you as time goes on.

That's great! The less importance you place on it, the less pressure you'll feel, and the more you will be able to be yourself. So don't care all you want! Just don't tell her that lol. Best of luck, though doubt you even need it!

How exactly do you act in front of the girls that you are attracted to? If you turn shy whereas you are normally outgoing in front of a girl, many girls are bound to find that cute and attractive. If you start unconsciously doing what most people would consider discourteous at best, that's a different story. It really depends on what behavior you resort to when you're around the girls you're attracted to when it comes to tackling this issue. If you get so nervous that you lose your sense of humor and come off as contrived or dull, then keep the first few conversations about simple things and keep jokes off limits for the most part. If you get cocky, then automatically second guess yourself when you're about to say something that may be a bit over the top and ask yourself if that's something that you would ordinarily say. I don't think it's about visualizing that you're talking to the single most unattractive girl you've ever seen in the span of your entire life. It's about getting to the skills to keep yourself constant, and perhaps even channel "energy" from the attraction that you feel. Instead of pretending you're talking to a can of soup, know for a fact that you are someone confident, outgoing and worthy of the attention of the girl you're talking to. Believe it and keep cool. If it helps at all, do you think most people are their natural selves around the poeple they are attracted to? Absolutely not! Most people go bonkers. It's perfectly normal, something we all go through, and yet no one would be together if they couldn't somehow work through it.

If she's with anyone, I wouldn't make a move on her. If she's with someone abusive, that's all the more reason to back away. She's obviously got some things to work out with herself in her life if she's taking that, and she needs to "process" (a word most guys hate, but hey, we gals need time!) all of this. You can't just rebound from an abusive relationship into another one and expect her to be ready for it. Unless she's just having a relationship with him that's based more on fun than anything, she's going to have to sort out a few things before she's on the market again, even if she's single. The best thing you can do right now is just hang in there and be as supportive as possible. Be patient, don't make any advances, and just be a great guy friend to her. Don't let the fact that you know she's with a jerk change the way you treat her - she doesn't need pity or consolations. If the topic comes up for whatever reason, treat it as you normally would; be yourself but don't press on her to break it off because you want to be with her but because you're concerned about her well being. It's a very subtle distinction, though it can prove to be highly important! But one thing I have to ask, if she's taken, then why would she say that you guys should party sometime? Are you sure she didn't mean it in a platonic sort of way? Are you sure she doesn't just smile to everyone she sees? And if she's actually into you and makes a move in the future yet you know she is with someone else, is that someone you want to be with?

What TheDoctor said about sleep and depression might be important to your situation. Not to say that you're necessarily clinically depressed, but going through a lot of emotions in the day is "mirrored" at night when you dream. The subconscious mind is very powerful and it stays awake for certain amounts of time when you sleep. But, it can only do its thing when you are asleep. While it may seem counterintuitive to sleep more, it will in the end be very helpful to you. Look at it this way - sleeping for longer periods of time won't change the number of times you wake up, right? So if you sleep 9 hours a night, you'll feel well rested, have the energy to start the day with a fresh start, and even if you think the entire subconscious/dream thing is bologne (even though it's been scientifically proven), you'll feel better emotionally at the start of the day which will improve your productivity. When you're more productive, you'll feel better about yourself. And if you have more energy, you'll feel better about doing things, which will help you out anyway, regardless of productivity. So ultimately, sleep is something you should not be cutting out! As for the weekends, keep yourself busy, busy, busy! It's difficult right now, but if you've got something to do, preferably something that you can do with your hands like make canoes or play badmington or bake exquisite French desserts (none of which I would realistically expect you to do, but things along those lines work just as well!), at least you won't be dreading those moments in which you dwell on the past.

A reason why you should move on? Because, as you have already experienced, it hurts to have unrequited feelings. Holding on to someone who is unavailable is painful. There's no remedy for the hurt, nothing that will speed up the process. You just have to let it run through your system, go through the sad mornings and the sad nights, until it's clear. Before you can begin doing this, you have to reach a state of acceptance of the real situation. You're single, and in this time period your main concern should be getting over her. One thing that caught my attention from your post was your mention of the girl you're dating being better looking than your ex. The fact that you would compare the two of them shows that you probably need to process things before you actually move on with someone else. If the girl makes you happy, that's great, but if you're using her to fill the void, then that's not being fair to her or to you. It's completely up to you, but if you're not ready and forcing yourself into something too soon, you're probably going to end up more frustrated and hurt than anything. Good move with the NC though! Hopefully things are getting easier each day, even if only slightly. Best of luck!

In her defense, she hasn't done anything wrong. Somethings you just can't get over. It's a hard yet very real fact of life. Just because you're qualified, doesn't mean you get the job. She's in a different place right now and that's something you have to respect. She hasn't wronged you in any way. She isn't cheating on you because she isn't with you and hasn't been for (what I remember to be, though correct me if I'm wrong) several months. The truth is, however harsh and blunt this may be, you have nothing against her. The devaluement you feel is a result of you setting yourself up for it (she's single and looking and that's okay - she's not doing it to spite you but because she's young and single and apparently looking). Maybe when you realize that the resentment you're feeling is unwarranted, you'll be able to heal faster.

It never works because there's a part of you, larger than you know to exist, that is fighting for life. Self injury is actually an act of survival: some people don't know how to handle the pain they endure, and so they inflict pain upon themselves to gain a sense of control over the helplessness they feel in life. I think before you tackle self injury it's important to understand this about yourself to help you stop. You should see a counselor or get some other form of help from adults. It's not just about coping with the bullying psychologically but about actually stopping it from happening again. Take up some self defense lessons if you have to. Do what you need to do to protect yourself physically. Emotionally you need to come to the realization that the bullies are the bad guys in this scenario, and that you are the victim, not the one at fault. You've done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this, and there are ways to change the situation. Please talk to an adult you can trust about this to get help. They'll be able to help you better than anyone here can about the bullying. As for the self injury, people online can give you support in addition to the help you get in person, but it's ultimately up to you to stop. The bullying is harder to help, but the self injury is something that you have complete control over. It might seem like you don't, it might seem too tempting to give up, but you do have entire control over your actions and what you do to your body. Find comfort and strength in this!

Things are looking good! I agree with RabidGreenEyedWolf: you don't need an approach if everything's already laid out! Over the next few days don't shy away and distance yourself from her and send her all the wrong signals. For some shy people that's the instinct they follow; don't know if that's what you tend to do. When she approaches you, act warm and welcoming as I'm sure you already are to her. Likewise, don't be afraid of approaching her and initiating the conversation.

I would get get her something if it's something that you would ordinarily do. Just make sure you don't get her something too fancy or suggestive. And the way you present the gift is also something you might want to consider minimizing. The sooner you get back into the swing of things, the faster the awkardness will subside. Don't let it take away all the good things about your friendship!

Your best bet is to talk to her about what's going on. Ask her how she feels, adn tell her that you want to work through the awkwardness to restore a platonic relationship. Getting her back as a friend, seeing as how you miss her so much, is clearly important to you so I'd focus on restoring the regular flow of things first. Like the other posters said, give it time and things will get back to normal soon enough!

That's a very mature understanding of yourself. But it's not like you pop out from the womb with that mentality. It takes years bordering on decades after childhood to be secure enough with yourself to not care about what other people think. Adolescents are fragile, still discovering who they are, trying to meet society's expecations while experimenting around with new things. They require vast amounts of validation and reassurance in order to grow and thrive. Rejection (bullying, being labelled as a geek or loser, etc.) just undermines all the hard work required to establish that. Eventually you realize, through experience and time (scientists attribute a large part of it to the development of the prefrontal cortex, which only reaches its full mature status at 22-23 yrs of age) that other people's opinions are immaterial to your happiness (but it still does have significant sway in your self esteem, no matter how confident you may feel; if the whole world ganged up on you, it would be amazingly difficult not to succumb and feel worthless). After you attain that status and achieve a sense of identity that is independent (to a certain extent) of the opinions of others, you tend to forget or minimize the struggle that you went through to establish it. First of all, not everyone can. Some people remain insecure and worrisome in their adulthood. Secondly, it takes a long, hard journey to get there. Sometimes you really don't have any other choice but to be apart of the group that taunts you. It's really circumstantial. And some people just need to prove to themselves that they are worthy of the attention of their critiques/enemies.

Did you send the letter? Based on your previous posts, she just needs time and space to explore life without you. I wouldn't guarantee that this will make her miss you, but after all that the both of you have been through, you need to experience a life apart from her. Sending her that ultimatum of sorts is probably just going to pressure her more and make her feel uneasy and scared about the commitment you're asking her to give (without reason to believe that she'll give it in the first place, based on the fact that she's already giving her number out to guys; i.e. moving on). You already know the response you would get from that letter, you know your imposing leverage that you don't really have. Arming up more artillery by threatening no contact is just going to alienate her and compromise her offer for friendship with you (which you know you cannot settle for, which is good). It's worth a shot maybe to kick that horse, but as the trainer of that horse don't you think it's a bit of a blow to yourself and your ego to see one last bout of blood squirt from that horse's open wounds? It's time to bury the horse properly, put it beneath the ground and out of sight and follow her lead and move on! You need time for yourself right now, time to grieve a bit and then collect yourself and continue with your studies and with your life. Treat yourself to your right to alone time and social time hanging out with friends, and just focus on yourself right now.

Stop torturing yourself! Be easy on yourself and just give yourself the distance that you need right now! It's hard to digest I know, but you have to face the fact that she's unavailable right now. Having her in your life right now, telling her about your day and asking her about hers, is not going to facilitate that process at all. You're clearly not in a position to be just friends with her right now. There are too many expectations, too much hope that things will somehow change. You've done all that you can do, and now you need to focus on yourself. You've made all these great changes - savor them. Take full advantage of them. Work on yourself and focus on becoming the person you want to be for your own sake and well being. Be honest with yourself: you're clearly hurting as a result of her actions and decisions. Is that something you can put up with? The fact that you're hurting right now isn't just because of the rejection; it's also because to a certain extent, deep down inside (in the thoracic cavity or wherever you like), you know that it's done and over with. Now you have to embrace the fact that you live as a person independent of anyone else. So the first step is to stop defining yourself as someone waiting to get back with someone and to start organizing your schedule to fit your own needs. Be selfish for the time being. Spend 200 bucks on football and beer (lol, whatever strikes your jolly).

"There is a lack of consensus as to what may properly be termed 'addiction.' Some within the medical community maintain a rigid definition of addiction and contend that the term is only applicable to a process of escalating drug or alcohol use as a result of repeated exposure. However, addiction is often applied to compulsive behaviors other than drug use, such as overeating, sex or gambling. In all cases, the term addiction describes a chronic pattern of behavior that continues and is perceived to be hard or impossible to quit at any time. It is quite common for an addict to express the desire to stop the behavior, but find himself or herself unable to cease." (link removed) The definition of addiction is be no means clear cut. It's generally something that you know is bad for you but that you seek out anyway, and in its absense, you crave it. It's something that you'll seek even if your seeking it has adverse effects on you and others. Then again, if you ask a doctor you'll get a different response than if you ask a psychologist or a counselor or a sociologist or a self-help book author. I'm no expert, but regardless, clearly using the word addiction comes with a number of negative connotations. It's just best to dump the word if you're going to tackle something you really like but that you recognize is bad. Semantics matter: would you rather face a bad habit (think nail biting) or an addiction (think alcoholism)? Huge difference!

I agree; most people think the brain sleeps at night, but it's actively processing all the emotions you experience during the day. Whether it has symbolic meaning is questionable, but it's still doing all the digesting of reality at night. Let your brain do its thing and the dreams will soon stop. It's quite a rollercoaster ride, but if try doing some reflection and evaluation during the day and find comfort in your friendships, the ride might end sooner than it would otherwise.

Absolutely! It's natural to feel addicted to something that makes you feel good (the basics of human motivation). In the case of forums, you get to feel part of a community, feel like you've helped someone, and feel like there are people out there you can always turn to in times of crisis. In the case of myspace, you feel connected to others. It's a universal syndrome, trust me, that we've all got to face eventually. The best way to stop something addictive is to go "NC" on it. Go cold turkey. Cut yourself off from it, and within the time frame of a couple of days, its absense will become something integral to your daily routine. The hardest part is gathering the brave courage and determination to say "No" the first time, and then the second time, but by the third time you've got the momentum from the first times to carry you on through. I find the best way to tackle an addiction is to just focus on the bad things of it and set yourself up so that you experience more of those things while enjoying less of the good. If you post in topics that you know will be dead end topics (hard to do, but hypothetically speaking...), then you'll get less of a kick from it. I know that's self defeating, but that's exactly the point. Be self defeating when it comes to the things that addict you! In the end, it's not about cutting yourself off from the things that addict you. It's about gaining self control. That's something you get with time and hard earned experience. Can't really induce it, unfortunately. Hopefully with the new school year starting you'll get the motivation to stick to what you need to do and indulge in the internet stuff only when you have the time for it (i.e. when you'd otherwise be staring at holes in the wall and making very loose connections between them and the meaning of life). On last thing, don't call it an addiction (disregard all the times I've used that word in this post). It's just something that makes you happy, but it's by no means an addiction. Calling it that will only make you think that you're mentally incapable to tackle it (that's what an addiction is by definition). If you beat it before, you can master it once again. If you minimize it mentally (e.g. it's a slight affinity rather than a hardcore addiction), it sets up your mentality for success.

Maybe she fears that you've changed and wants to give you space to explore all these new possibilities open to you in the near future? Or maybe she thinks that the two of you have changed so much that the chemistry has been compromised. There are a lot more maybe's I can come up with. Why don't you do as she requested and do some reflection, but the next time you two talk ask her to be more explicit? Also ask her what she thinks of the relationship. It's normal to have doubts after being apart, but the two of you can work through them together.

Is she the type to flirt with any guy in sight? If not, then lucky you! Just to make sure she's not the type that's overly happy online, see how she acts in person. Ask her out since she's already asked you to show her you're interested in her as well.

It depends on how justified you feel your decision was. If you believe that the reason you broke up with your partner for is perfectly valid (the relationship just wasn't working out, you had different needs, you had incompatible futures, you developed an interest for someone else and felt it wasn't fair to keep him in an unequal relationship, or whatever the reason may be) then you'd feel guilty perhaps, but you'd be comfortable enough with your decision to cope with the guilt. What type of guilt are you feeling, exaclty? Guilt about your decision, about how you broke up with him, or about how he's doing now? It also depends on what terms you broke up with him: what exactly is your current relationship? Do you not speak to each other at all? If you're still speaking to each other, then make sure that the both of you are attaining some sense of closure. If you see that he's doing okay, then it might help assuage your guilt. In the end, just give yourself time to process the situation. Time is always an apt remedy.

Let this one go... Even if their relationship ends, it's still an iffy situation hooking up with her. No matter how much/little you value your friendship with him, it's just not right to meddle in an established relationship. Think about how she's happy now, how you gave it a shot but the timing was off, and how you can get over her because she's unavailable.