stopit

Because of compatibility issues. I wouldn't date myself because I'm way too shy and quiet, and I'd have to be with someone a hell of a lot more talkative. But then again, it depends on how you read the question. You can read it as a self-esteem-o-meter, or you can interpret it as a revealing a general human trend (whether like personalities are desired). Personally, I'd say "No!" either way. But going back to your post, I don't think that this question determines whether you love yourself... just whether you would date yourself. I think the question you posed can be interpreted the other way around: If no one else wants to date you, why would you want to? There must be something wrong with you.... right? (from the self esteem side of the question) From the compatibility side, just imagine doubling that issue by having two people in the relationship with the same deficiency/quirk/problem? You need balance... Quirks are okay (even good!), but only when they are balanced out by the other person. Obviously that's an overgeneralization: like quirks aren't inherently incompatible. And often people look for others who have similar values/backgrounds. Depends on each relationship...

There seems to be two clear reasons: the ways of the people at your school and the appearance you give off. I'm in the same situation (a lot of people are, if that's any comfort!). And I'm okay with it, mostly because I know that the people at my school are nothing like me, and I really wouldn't enjoy hanging out with them much, because when I do my cheeks get really sore from pretend laughing. We just have completely different senses of humor, and there's not much I can do about that (just wait till college, where I'll hopefully find my niche!). The people at my school and I have fallen into this habit of accepting each other, but they won't seek me out, and you know, after this long, I reckon it'd be a hard habit to shake. It seems like the people at your school are just used to you coming up to them, and they possible take it for granted that you are there and don't feel the need to approach you since you do that for them. And it sounds like they are extremely cliquey, and unless you perform a million initiation rituals, those are hard to join unless you are there at the moment of the clique's inception. The second reason is something I do a lot as well, and I can guarantee a lot worse than you. People always think I'm depressed or angry or upset, and no one wants to approach someone they think is harboring those feelings. But even when I'm smiling, nothing really changes. I guess smiling for a day doesn't clean off frowning for a week. It also goes back to the clique idea: people hang out with the people whom they are used to hanging out with, and they hang out with people the way they are used to interacting with them. So try something long term, and don't get frustrated with short term set backs. Find people you really like hanging out with, and in due time they'll appreciate you and invite you when they want to go somewhere. Well, if it's any consolation, this thread is a testament to how many misfits there are out there! Just don't blame yourself, don't change yourself to fit in, and don't get exasperated because others don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. High school's just like that for many people. Everyone's so bound to conformity, that they're likely to reject the truly unique people.

I know it's tough, especially when the events in your life seem to reinforce this idea of loneliness. Part of it is chance, but part of it is attitude. In your post you basically say love is impossible for you, and it's that very attitude that proves self defeating. Everyone moves at their own pace. Just because the people around you have what you want, doesn't mean you can unleash your anger on them. It's not their fault - there is no fault to be designated in the first place. There is no problem for which fault must result, because your situation, especially at 19 and especially as a college freshman, is more common that you think. And there's nothing wrong with it except for the fact that you've fixated all your attention on it, making it seem like a problem, like an overwhelming insurmountable barrier. This isn't a game with an end result, a competition or anything like that. There are no requirements, no deadlines and no strategies. It's not like throwing parties will win you the prize of love, or like you must accomplish something before you're 19. What comes will come - be patient. I agree with Luck of the Irish. You have impossibly high standards and are embittered when they aren't fulfilled. So drop the expectations. You're not going to find a meaningful, lasting relationship in one night. You may find someone you click with, someone you find interesting, and that's what matters. As for what you said about thinking women wanting to hurt you - well, that's a red flag, suffice to say. As for people not understanding you, well, your frustration is understandable, but your anger is unwarranted. Realize that there a lots of guys out there who can't even get a date, and yet you've got dates, you've got charisma and you can talk to women. You seem to be doing your part, and with an attitude change you might get somewhere. But part of it's chance - a lot of people in college simply want flings and don't want long term relationships like you do. Finding someone with compatible wants takes time, and again, it takes patience.

Then you have to evaluate what events trigger your actions. If you're not doing it all the time, then there's something in you that's preventing you from cutting. Tap into that. Use that for your benefit. You need to realize that cutting isn't going to get you positive attention or friendships. Why do you think cutters live in shame and wonder once they stop cutting how to hide their scars? It's the last thing you should be proud of, and to idealize cutting as some sort of therapy is not going to help you in the long run.

For the longest time I thought pain was beautiful. For the longest time I admired the blood that spilled from cuts because it felt so real. It only felt so real because it was disgusting, from the flap of open skin, the acrid smell of blood, the texture of blood as it congeals, to the very heat of blood... And in a way, it is beautiful, but only because it's so uncommon and "unique." But cutting is not a healthy expression of pain. It's shocking and appalling - you're not going to get recognized for being a good cutter. You can transfer your pain to other areas, any of the arts (as you said, music and poetry). That will get you attention, and people will respect you for it. You've had a lonely history, but cutting doesn't make you any more real or "valid" a person. It doesn't make you more visible to others and it won't make you friends. It does exactly the opposite and pushes everyone away (it's much more self destructive than most people would imagine). I think you know that talking to people about hurting yourself is going to push them away and make them judge you, but it seems like you do it either consciously or unintentionally to drive them away. Work on being more social - you're a talented person and people will admire you for that. Also, work on coping techniques - writing, music, even aggressive things like certain sports. Being apathetic towards yourself won't help - you need to do something physical and concrete in order to ease the pain. Everyone handles things differently; you just have to make sure that you're actually handling it and not avoiding the issue (e.g. through cutting).

Everyone has their own reason to cut: there are different types of cutters. If you're not in it for the pain, what exactly are you trying to achieve? Do you want to make your emotional pain tangible by transferring it onto your skin? Do you want to take control of your body by inflicting pain on yourself? Think to what events trigger it and explain a little more in depth. Cutters may be suicidal, but they resort to cutting in an attempt to ward off their suicidal urges. It's impulsive behavior, but not quite as extreme, and hence satisfies the need to "do something." Though of course, this varies from person to person which brings us back to why you cut. In any case, cutting is a defense mechanism and the fact that you pursue it shows a willingness to live. But in order to help you further, you need to give more info. I'm concerned about your motivations for telling people that you cut. You're clearly not telling people you can trust, but the question is why? Do you want to impress them or something? If you just show someone you don't trust your cuts, due to the stigma surrounding cutting you're going to get far from positive results. And to show people at work your cuts is another story. It's concerning because you need people to support you right now, even if your impulses tell you to push them away. Isolating yourself isn't the solution.

I can relate. I've always been the misfit, never really connecting with people no matter where I go. I feel like no matter what setting I'm in or who I meet, I'll never have that best friend connection that everyone else seems to have. It's hard for me to justify that I'm anything but a terrible person, awful conversationalist and whatnot. I've internalized all the hate and the betrayal because I was exposed to it all at a pretty young age. I've kept pretty limited social circles because of my shyness and stuck to girl social circles, and I know that's a large part of the reason why I've had these experiences (but I've also been in small environments with very little diversity anyway). But then my sister said something that really brought me comfort. She told me that girls can be such *****es. Perhaps that's just my scapegoat, but I find it holds a wealth of truth. There are just somethings that are absolutely abominable that they do (and I'm not saying guys are saints... but it's the entire aggressiveness debate, whether you prefer a punch to the face or a deep betrayal and overt exclusion... if the tables were turned, I would have a disfigured nose perhaps, but at least I'd have something left of a self esteem). It completely turned my mentality around: instead of seeing myself as not good enough, insufficient or inadequate for all the crap I put up with, I saw myself as a victim, a passerby really that happened to be involved in a very messy incident. It wasn't who I was (at least, not entirely), but who they were (vicious, deceitful, etc.), and that is the only distinction of any importance. I'm obviously talking in generalized terms about very specific examples, but if you want to "universalize" it, certain groups of people can be horrid - let's face the facts, those girls were *****es for what they did to you. It's unfortunate and terribly unlucky that such things should have befallen you, but this is a sign to look for true friends that will never betray you. Look for people who are sensitive because they do exist and you deserve nothing less than sensitivity for your amazing character. You're right, you do need to get out there to meet them, but the hope is there. Without going into a lame metaphor about how change is a vehicle, change is potential and that's empowering. No need for alternate "remedies" to make void statements (not because no one would care, but because suicide is passive). Focus on your career and try to meet people with similar interests as you - you're bound to meet people who are far more mature than that group of 5 girls. As for your best friend, if she hasn't betrayed you and you think the relationship is salvagable, then why not call twice a year instead? She's still part of your past, and even if she's got a new life, she's still someone you can turn to (at least from your post you didn't say you couldn't trust her). And just because your family doesn't understand, the fact that they care is immensely important: you will never be alone as long as you've got them.

Losing friends is never easy, but their moving away doesn't terminate the friendship. If they're true friends, they'll keep in touch, and that's invaluable. This'll give you the chance to meet new people and have a bigger "network," and you'll feel more supported and have more reasons to live for. Change is never fluid, but it's well worth it. The reality is that friendships are rarely eternal - circumstances arise and eventually you'll have to say goodbye, but that's okay because technology makes it so easy to keep connected (that's got to be the logo to at least 3 myspace equivalents). It's about being optimistic for what the future has to bring, and even though that's hard to be when depressed, you can dwell on the possibility of change and having all the bad things that cause the depression go away as a result of it. There are other places to draw strength from - your mother for one. Don't think of yourself committed to life because you can't hurt your mother but because you love her and she loves you. Thinking that you feel obliged to life for her sake builds resentment and makes you live your life as little as possible. You're not 100% sure for a reason, and that reason can't just be ethics. It's something much greater (love, hope, aspirations...), and you know that perfectly well, even if you won't admit it to yourself. It helps to give a name to what exactly is causing your emotions. Why have you thought about killing yourself in the past? Write it down on paper. Make it concrete. It's a lot easier to contemplate exact things rather than an abstract, overwhelming sadness. Identifying the causes also makes it easier to realize what you need to change - what things you need to avoid, and what things you need to actively pursue. Finally, I think you should consider counseling. You haven't said what exactly is wrong with your life in the general sense (apart from the recent event regarding your friends). You should try to start talking with your mother again, even if it feels awkward at first. Support each other through the tough times.

I don't think we can count on serendipity to land us in a relationship. Although I agree relaxing and easing up build confidence, not looking gets few anywhere.

What point in the dating/relationship are we talking about, exactly? When is "early"?

I'm sure it's flattering to hear (hell, I'd love to hear it myself), but how would you respond to the girl? Would you be ready to reciprocate feelings for just any girl? Because generally when you tell someone you have feelings for them, you expect something more than the other person "being okay with it."

Lol, I was going to say... Thanks for the stories though! It's good to know that some people are making progress and overcoming their shyness!

I hate it too when people say that - it makes it an unsatisfactory waiting game. But out of curiosity, what would you like to hear instead? I.e. are there any words to be offered to the lonely that aren't condescending or plain unhelpful?

There's this guy I have a crush on, and the rational me knows that I barely know anything about him. Yet because of all my imaginary conversations with him (lame, I know), I feel like I know him. It's just difficult to dissociate between the person he is and the person I perceive him to be (and I've been realizing recently that there is a significant discrepancy between the two), partly because I subconsciously want him to fulfill this idealized persona I've created. But it's obviously wrong and needs to be stopped. How do I go about doing that?

Ah... so you're one of those. After your last few posts, I can see how it would be invasive. You probably should be a little more forward than asking out another girl. You don't have to be blunt about your feelings, but when she does something that annoys you, just say something like, "I don't appreciate it when you kick me. Please stop." That way you look like your reflexes work - not cocky. And for flair, show your annoyance when she does those things to really get the point accross (but tastefully, of course).

Indifference and shyness differ in interest level. Someone indifferent will walk right past you without even realizing you're there, whereas someone shy will sneak a peek and divert his eyes when you look at him. Someone indifferent won't even bother with avoiding you, whereas someone shy might go try to be near you or might avoid you in fear of rejection. The shy person won't have much confidence, as charley said, and will visibly show nervousness when talking to you, whereas the indifferent person will just act the same way he would towards you as he would anyone. It's tough because shy people normally try to come off as indifferent to hide their emotions, but they'll do little things that set them apart a mile off if looked at carefully. In any case, shyness makes people act in different ways - some shy people disappear altogether whereas others will appear all the time (by "coincidence") whereas others still will have normal... erm, "appearance schedules." But generally, shy interested people will not act towards you as they do towards other people they are indifferent towards.

My goodness, it's just a high school crush! It's not like she's infiltrated his inbox and phone book and follows him around after school (I'm assuming the OP would point this out lividly if this were the case). Okay, maybe she's missed some of the clues (to say the least), but at worst, this situation is annoying (not abusive or invasive in anyway). If anything, the OP should be flattered, even if he does not like her. (If the situation were reversed, it would still be creepy but nothing worse.) How is she standing in the way of the OP's joy or taking advantage of him? Besides the slight intrusion on his personal space in the hall, what has she done that is so offensive? Keep the problem to its proportions. Anyway, responding ruthlessly would be detrimental to the girl in question as well as to the OP's reputation.

If you think she's posing a mortal threat to herself everytime she cuts, she needs to see a professional. There are different degrees of cutting that in no way reflect the intensity of the cutters pain, but do affect the amount of danger the cutter is subjecting herself to when cutting and often the way the cutting is treated. How did she stop in the past? Did she stop when the problem resolved itself? Even if it is cyclical and stops when the stressor is eliminated, it's still not a healthy mechanism to revert to when a new stressor appears. If she stops, it's probably only going to be temporarily and there's no guarantee she won't start again when her life situation gets complicated. She needs to learn long term techniques for handling stress and ways to avoid cutting. As for what you can do, that's pretty much limited to being there for her unconditionally, as you said you are. But it's not going to be enough to get her to stop cutting. You have to help her learn to cope with her problems in a healthy way rather than in a violent manner. Professional help is probably warranted. But really, the approach to take is highly situational and really depends on the reasons she cuts, her resiliency, environmental factors, etc.

Hey, well done! That's a great mentality to have. You haven't got much to lose because it seems like (if she was blushing, especially!) she's interested. Hope everything works out!

Going along with what Caterina said, consider her feelings. I mean, poor thing has a crush, and crushes are hardly ever rational experiences. She's probably worked herself into an emotional relationship with you and feels like she knows you (hence the possessiveness/jealousy). It's mostly projection of her own imagination, of course, but it's still something very real to her. Subtlety doesn't work because she's mentally protecting herself, repressing any signals you send her that convey disinterest because that's just one of the funny things your mind does when you are crushing (and crushing bad!). I wouldn't be blunt with her, because that'll obviously hurt her - too much info at once. So whatever you choose to do, let her down easy! Also, I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to ask someone out out of spite for someone else. Make sure your heart is in the right place and that the timing with the girl you like isn't forced because of this situation.

Stay within your comfort zone and then explore outwards at a pace you're comfortable with. When you go to parties or other social events, bring along someone you feel comfortable with as a buffer. Eventually you'll feel more confident and, if not less shy, more accustomed to the situations.

People always post asking whether they ought to work up the courage to talk to someone they like, what approaches to use when doing so, etc. But they don't always post back to say how things went! So instead of looking for condolences that we won't all die having never loved because of accursed timidity, I want to hear your success stories and how you overcame shyness and successfully landed in a relationship. Whether you made the first move or not - as long as it's a success story! Unless... there is absolutely no hope for us shy people and we're all destined to content ourselves with a bunch of rhetorical questions ("What if I had done this...?") and die utterly lonely...

We also tend to selectively see things... Signs are a very difficult science.

The reason why you cut isn't something you can easily put a finger on. The reasoning is often complex, involving a lot of reasons, and reasons that make sense at one time might not hold true other times. It's a distraction and a temporary comfort all at once. The appeal I found in it was having something physical to hurt over as opposed to something emotional, abstract and often vague (self esteem issues, social conflicts, so forth). It's easier to deal with a cut than it is to deal with feeling like a complete failure; and then it was even better to be able to put some Neosporin on it and a bandaid and call it a day. Of course, those were my reasons, and there were many other reasons mingled in, like breaking through the numbness or substituting the pain. I didn't really understand why until after I stopped. All the reasons above show why it's just a temporary fix. You have to keep "reapplying" it, and it doesn't make the underlying issue go away but often makes it worse because in the process of ignoring it, you just might be exacerbating it. The fact that it doesn't make sense is probably a sign that you shouldn't be doing it - something that makes you so confused and maybe even bewildered is something your gut is trying to tell you not to do.

I'd have to say confidence. I wouldn't say that being masculine in and off itself is a turn on - people who work too hard to boost their masculinity are often insecure, the type that put other people off to give themselves a jump start, the type that touts their body fat % at the slightest suggestion of a compliment on his body... Masculinity starts being a turn off when it's used as compensation for something else. A sense of humor is attractive, but other personality traits are equally important like sensitivity and thoughtfulness (which aren't implied by masculinity). I don't find that stubborness associated with masculine guys who refuse to take directions from strangers very appealing. But I suppose stature is something physical that works for guys, and being in shape helps (but the value in that is more for health reasons and confidence than aesthetic value). To be honest, I'm more interested in how a guy complements my personality than how masculine he is (masculinity really doesn't mean anything until it starts getting feminine). Hmm... Maybe I just have a very feminist idea of masculinity... who knows?