Augusteen

LOL okay, so I wrote that last post before I saw your response. Got a new account huh? lol I wonder what people have been telling you from that other account? Was there advice there that wasn't your cup of tea? Just how bad IS your relationship? Unfortunately, I've never been in your situation before. I tend to me more...blunt with my problems. I discuss them when they show up and try to resolve them righ then and there. And I don't let go until there's been some headway. I think you need to do the same. I don't think it's as easy as 'getting over yourself (which implies you have a huge sense of entitlement here) but do need to be absolutely honest with yourself. I don't know WHAT the problem is exactly (other than lying to cover things up) but you need to sit down with yourself and put your concerns into full sentences, paragraphs if need be. Once you can wrap your head around your problems and your associated feelings, you'll be a bit better at discussing them with your fiance. By all means, continue to post horrible things about him. lol Maybe once you've got all the pent up negativity out you can start to calm down and see what it is you have a problem with. Or maybe you already do but you just haven't told him about it? I'm going out on another limb here but I think you already know what the problem is here. You've got a nice picture of what to do and how to do it. What you lack is the courage to go through with it. Don't doubt yourself. You're NOT being a jerk if you end this relationship because of your concerns. I'm all for ironing out our problems but I'd like to live my life as well. And when you're spending all your time 'solving' problems that keep showing up, you're getting hindered a bit, don't you think? Again, you won't be a jerk for listening to your gut. You're being proactive. Your preventing a possible train wreck here (I'm guessing). You are not being arrogant, you are being confident about your wants and needs. There's nothing wrong with listing your problems and hoping for feedback. There's nothing wrong with not being satisfied with that feedback and turning your back. All it means is that you've got another shot and finding what you want. You kinda can't do that when you're married to someone you're constantly doubting. For whatever reason.

Well if that's the case, maybe you're sixth sense is acting up? If you're gut's telling you something, listen to it. Just be sure you can verbalize what it is you're thinking...because you'll be able to handle problems better if you know exactly what they are.

I don't mean to be harsh here, so if I am, just ignore me. But if he's said that there's no chance to get back together, I think you need to smell the coffee and realize that's what he's looking for. His hand of friendship is not a licence for romance. It may look that way to you but I assure you, he's just trying to be friendly. I'm assuming he's not a jerk here because he may be doing this to 'remain in control' but that's not something that kind-hearted people do to their exes. He's accusing you of being nasty because you're behaving very...childlike. Drunken messages of love?...how many of these have you left? He may start to feel as if you're harassing him and goading him into guilt. Again, that's not something kind-hearted people do to their exes. I suggest that you break contact with him for a while as you ger back on your feet. When you feel solid enough to start a dialogue, go ahead. But until then, he's made his decision and you need to respect it.

Um...if she's snobby and stuck up (which I presume are some things you don't like) why does it matter if she's interested? Regardless, if she is, she's handling it the wrong way. If I'm friends with my ex, I expect my other friends to treat him as such. As in, treating him with respect. No name calling, no push-comes-to-shove type of situations. In this case, I think you're 'new girl' has a bad case of the immaturities! She's acting like a teeny bopper at a Hanson concert or something! lol All in all, I don't think it matters if this girl is interested in you. She's not someone who respects your peers. Maybe you and I disagree on things but that's not something I look for in a potential relationship. P.S. Being friends with an ex that still wants to be with you seems a bit illogical to me as well. It could very well explain why you're attracting this kind of behavior from someone. Maybe this girl feels like you're goading her into a female competitive zone or something.

It's kinda hard to get over someone when you're still legally attached to them. I mean, nevermind that she's gonna be in his life forever because of their daughter, nevermind that they went through a life changing decision together, nevermind that they have all this history. Truth is, you do have to mind it. It's there, it happened and it doesn't just disappear. Now apparently, your fiance lies to cover things up. Obiviously this bothers you or you wouldn't mention it. To me, that's a huge problem. I wouldn't be involved with someone who lied so much. Obviously that's easier said than done in your case since you've agreed to marry the man, but I would take a good long look at who he is as a person. Are you willing to accept that he lies to cover things up? What does that entail for the future of your relationship? All that being said, I still think you're fishing for something that's not there. I see no proof that he still loves his ex based on what you've said. I think he's upset because this has been going on for four years and it's STILL not over or resolved. He's frustrated. And there's some weird guy taking a bath with his daughter!! Could you be a bit more supportive? Yeah, I suppose you could. But I get this feeling that you are, in fact, taking a good long look at your fiance now. I'm gonna go out on a huge limb here and say that you're not happy with that you see and you're fishing for problems rather than being honest with yourself. He doesn't have to be in love with the ex for the relationship to have problems. --EDIT-- The wife being angry that you came to see the daughter...maybe she IS angry. And THAT'S why she's bringing the boyfriend along. Kinda of a 'well I can bring my SO if you can'. Maybe it's more of a 'stength in numbers' type of thing. I don't think it's love either way.

My first reaction is that you're overeacting a bit. I would not automatically go pointing the finger at your fiance here. I think he's completely in the right. There a BIG difference between you visiting his daughter and the boyfriend visiting the daughter. He knows YOU. Not the boyfriend. And yes, it matters quite a bit to have a strange man (who seems rather violant) visiting his young daughter. And it's VERY weird for him to be giving her a bath. My own father never did that with me...so a stranger, to me, is even more unacceptable. "Um, but she's not my daughter either and I come visit her with you. It's the same thing as your wife bringing her boyfriend with her. Obviously you're jealous of the fact that's she's got someone, and that's why you're so angry about it." Um...I have to disagree with you there. He's reacting like a good father. I have to wonder why on earth you're thinking he's in love with her when everything he's done points to the opposite. Something's not adding up here imo. His answers to your questions were completely normal and acceptable. Seems to me like your fishing for a problem with your fiance where there is none. But I haven't checked your other posts so I don't really know all the background on your relationship. My initial reaction is that you're looking for something that ain't there.

If you've made it perfectly clear that you're not interested in Senior Clingy keep-your-hugs-to-yourself 'J' then I don't see why it's a problem to let 'R' know you're interested. Whether he'll go for it or not is the question. You could always let 'R' know that 'J' is getting on your nerves a bit. He might slip the word to his friend that you're not enjoying the hugs to much So while you may not get the guy you want, you might be able to get 'J' off your back for a bit. Did I get those letters reversed?

I can't help but notice you've got another thread going about how your current girlfriend has next to no sex drive. And you're wondering why you're suddenly attracted to the sister?! It clearly bothers you and frankly, you don't seem to be honest with your feelings. It's okay to be bothered by it. It's okay to put your foot down and discuss this with your girlfriend. But messing around with her sister won't solve anything. It won't make your girlfriend jealous and suddendly want to have sex with you. It won't make your relationship better. If you're looking for a solution, you're barking up the wrong tree. But then, maybe so am I. I'm not trying to be jugemental here (though I know I sounds like it) but you really need to sit down and think about this. Just because the one sister isn't for you doesn't mean the other one is any more perfect

Just playing devil's advocate for a sec here but...maybe your cousin doesn't think it's malicious on her part. Affairs are a very touchy subject and often elicit knee jerk reactions from people. It's possible she feels it's her 'moral obligation' to inform people of her 'horrible actions'. Now I'm not saying it's right, especially in your situation where she's gotten the wrong idea, but if it were you would you not at least be tempted to talk about it with others? Especially if you were close to both parties? For all you know, it could have been a horrible game of telephone gone wrong. She told one person, who told another, who told six people...who all have it wrong. I think chai's solution is clever...but I don't know if it'll work. Poeple just might think you're being silly if you exagerrate on such a sensitive subject. It may require a more serious degree of delicacy. I think your best solution is to contact your cousin and ask what's up. Set things straight. Don't get angry. Just let her know that you heard down the grapevine that someone was going around spreading rumours about you and you were wondering if she knew anything about it. Convey to her that you think the rumour is ridiculous but that you feel it tarnishes your reputation. I'd try to get her on my side to see things my way. Afterall, it's your version of the truth that's the right one isn't it? Convince her that it is. Now I don't know your cousin so I don't know if that approach will work on her. But I say take it into consideration. I've never been in a situation like this before (well, not now that I'm out of highschool) but I do sympathise with you. I can't imagine how unjust it must feel to have someone falsly accuse you of something like this. But remember, if you're telling the truth then it's that simple. Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. If you act like you have the confidence, then people shouldn't doubt your version of things.

I think this further reinforces my thoughts about her not being ready. I think it's as simple as that. There's no written rule that says when you turn 20 you have to press your 'ready-for-sex' button and start reving your engine (lol). Being ready is a gradual process. And yes, I think she does have a few hang ups about sex in relation to her body. I almost want to give you a medal for noticing your girlfriends self esteem issues as being one of the reasons she's not comfortable. As I've said before, you need a certain measure of comfort with your own body to be able to have sex. She's clearly not really there. What can you do? Well, most you can do is just continue what you're doing and tell her you think she's just fine. Keep giving her those reassurances because they may convince her that she's not seeing herself as others do. Sometimes you need to get over yourself in order to see yourself. If that makes any sense. I still think getting a dialogue going is the best thing, but maybe she's more of the show don't tell variaty? I don't want to seem rude when I say this, but maybe you should be reading some books to see what she might like. And maybe tell her what you might like. I think it's the unknown factor that might give her reasons to worry. Once you get started on talking about masturbation as being okay, maybe she'll loosen up a bit and try it...when you're not around that is But keep in mind that, if it's taken you this long to get to this point it may take just as long to get to the actual sex part of your relationship. Be patient.

Urg, well I do hope you keep him out of your life if he's going to continue being like this. He's just completely shutting you out and shutting down. For whatever reason, sounds like he can't handle life right now. That being said, I'm sure he was a good person to you at some point in your life. But I think it's safe to say that that ship has sailed and it's time to find someone new. And yes, you should be positively glowing that you figured this all out before you got married! Hope all goes well!

Seems like you're smiling on this end? You sure those smilies are the right ones lol Well, you certainly know your boyfriend better than I do, but frankly he sounds like a jerk. A jerk with a HUGE double standard. Why is it okay for him to sleep with a prostitute but it's not okay for you to have had a small relationship while the two of your weren't dating?! Maybe I'm just a prude or something but I definitely think the prostitute is much less 'accepted' by society. There's a lot less innocence associated with it. But I'm not trying to take sides here. As far as I'm concerned, you were NOT together. thereforeeee, it's not a 'fault' or a 'mistake' on either of your parts. You were both free to do as you pleased from that point on. But when you got back together, it was up to both of you to talk about what happened when your were apart and put it behind you. It sounds like he never has. And I'll admit, I'm a bit confused by that. Maybe he's feeling guilty about his actions and keeps throwing yours in your face as a defence mechanism. But still, he sounds like a jerk. Did he actually say that you were not 'perfect' anymore? And a 'past' PFFFTTT, this guy needs a kick in the * * * *. Everyone has a past, including him. And it seems to me like he's still living in it. It may be time to move on. AFTER a huge discussion about all this damned anger he's hording.

I don't think you've mentioned your age here but I'm assuming you're an adult right? If so, you're going to have to acknowledge that a bit part of being an adult is making adult decisions. Think ahead. Think about the consequences. You really could tear this family apart and I can't imagine why would would 1. Want to do this to someone 2. Trust someone who doesn't seem to have any loyalty to a family member 3. Tarnish your good name with such childish activities. I wonder...what good could come of this? Someone is bound to be severely hurt by this and it could even be you. Do you really want this to happen? I think deep down you know this is just crazy. However, you're choosing to put yourself in this situation and unless you're perfectly honest with yourself and everyone involved in this, it's going to get ugly. Think before you leap!

Um, if I understand this correctly, you were not together. thereforeeee, he did not cheat on you. At least, that's my understanding of cheating. Everyone seems to have their own definitions though. However, I understand your feellings here. I'd be upset too if I found out my boyfriend had been with a hooker. It's just...not my thing. However, I think you're misinterpreting your feelings for anger and disgust for feelings of betrayal. He did not betray you as I understand it. But he did do something you disaprove of. And perhaps you see him in a new light? Perhaps you feel that he's been lying to you about himself all this time? Maybe it's betrayal in that sense. But overall, I don't count that as cheating per say. But I would be looking at this person in a different way. I don't like the idea of prostitution and it's my choice not to associate with people who participate in those activities. And as for this whole 'reason for his downfall'...I find that pathetic. I'm assuming here that this guy's an adult right? Can he not pick himself up? Does he seriously need to blame you for all his problems? I doubt it. Please don't buy into all that crap. It's just a line from someone suffering from a serious dose of self-pity.

Let me first say that you are NOT selfish. You sound incredibly patient and understanding and that's something a lot of people look for in a partner. That being said, I can identify with your girlfriend a bit. When my ex and I first started getting busy, I didn't know what I liked. So often, I couldn't tell him what I wanted and what felt 'good'. But we experimented a lot and had a blast overall. He was understanding and very patient with me and that's something I'll always be grateful for. But the thing is, I get the impression your girlfriend isn't into that. 'Weak responses' to your nice, tactful questions? Well, no wonder you can't 'interprete' her. She's not telling you anything with words. But her body language (for lack of a better word) should be clueing you in on something here. She's not ready. Whenever someone can't have a conversation about sex with you, that's not someone you should be sleeping with (IMO). When someone gets uncomfortable by simply talking about touching themselves, you should be thinking twice about doing the deed. Maybe I'm off my rocker on this one, but I feel someone needs to have a certain measure of comfort with their own body/needs before they can become your sexual partner. And if you can't even have a conversation about sex...then you're not there yet. So I repeat, I don't think she's ready. Now, it could be as simple as that or maybe Clementine orange is right and she was abused at some point. I wouldn't bet any money on it but maybe that's it. Maybe at some point in her life, someone got too pushy and she's a bit skittish about the subject. But definitely, I don't think it's something you're doing wrong. I think it's an internal issue she's having that she's not telling you about. First and foremost, she needs to be honest with herself so that she can be honesr with you. All in all, I still think it's an issue of being ready for it. Get a good dialogue going and make sure she answers in full sentences (not just 'sures' and 'I guess sos'). And as for the toy and book idea...don't, please don't. You're not even having sex yet (well, technically) and like Laboheme said, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. If I received something like that from my boyfriend BEFORE we were comfortable with the whole sex thing...I'd be completely isulted. And mortified. It'd be like getting a list of rules to follow on D-Day. Too. Much. Pressure. And last but not least, you're NOT selfish for wanting sex. You're been nothing but patient and oustanding in that area. Sex is normal and something that *gasp* almost all hot blooded men want. Not to mention women Don't let her make you feel selfish if you're being understanding.

I can't give much in terms of advice, but I have been there. I knew someone in highschool who was a lot like that. Not so much with the touchy feely bit but with the 'way too much information factor'. She'd go into incredible detail about her suicide attempts ('like, this one time, in band camp, I like totally had a knife with me when I was in the tree house and like, no one could get me down tee hee') or tell me all about her horrible family life. All in public. All while I was staring at her completely bug-eyed. It was intimidating to say the least. And I wasn't the only one. She'd tell anyone who would listen. And I suspect your 'super friend' does the same. For whatever reason, she's incredibly lonely and it starving for attention. So long as people remain 'interested' in her topics, she won't back down. As far as she's concerned, if someone's listening that means they're not weirded out. And you're gonna have to tell her otherwise. I agree with the others suggestions so far. Let her know it's not in your comfort zone. If she asks why you didn't say anything before, just let her know it was pretty forward and you didn't know how to react. You're just getting to know each other after all and you didn't know if she was just being overly friendly for a few days or something If she still doesn't get it, you might have to get physical. As in, remove her arms from you. Shrug off her hands from your shoulders. Flinch your head away from her if she touches your hair. If you've already discussed the comfort zone thing, then shrugging her off will further drive your point in. It may take a few times (and you may have to verbalize it again), but really it's not as aggressive as it sounds. You'd just be sending clear messages that her gestures of affection aren't meant for you. Hope that helps