TIGRONETTE

That's the spirit ! oh, and another thing, you will have relapses - we all do you get through them by remembering that you pulled through last time (believe me this works as well)

For what it's worth, this has happpened to me twice (both of the 2 long term relationships I've had in fact). First one, I strung it out for an extra couple of years (should have lasted 2) and ended up dumping him in a really shooty - that was to get past the censors - way as I couldn't stand the guilt anymore. Second one, strung it out for three years (should have lasted 2 and a half) and in that time he lost interest because of my attitude - i was so stand offish that anyone would have got tired of the situation. After 5 years I thought I'd do everything I could to make things really work and guess what, he ended up leaving me for another girl (plus he let me down in a terrible way something I'll always see as a form of revenge). I have promised that next time, I'll get the hell out if this kind of thing should happen again

Have just come out of a similar situation (worse if anything) and while maintaining NC is a good piece of advice, "don't think about it" is pretty ridiculous at this stage (though good advice for later). I see why people said this to me now, but when I was in a similar state to the one you're in now, that kind of thing made me really angry. Take it from one who knows, sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop thinking about it. Here are a few leads (tried and tested) to make life less awful. 1. Don't be so hard on yourself. You probably don't even realise you're doing it (I know I didn't). It's perfectly allright, no matter what anyone says, to be a wreck for a few months (obviously, if this goes on for more than a year you're in trouble). Take it easy. Take note of whatever you may have accomplished for each specific day. Remember, whatever happened, it wasn't because you are inferior in some way (even if this is something I still have trouble believing now). Life is not about 'winners' and 'loosers'. 2. Imagine you're walking on a tightrope - just put one foot in front of the other. Soon you'll realise that stuff that was unbearable passes by without too much hassle. After a few weeks you'll even realise that there are times at work, or with friends when you're not thinking about IT - hey, that's the first step towards recovery. 3. Someone gave me this piece of advice. I don't know if it'll make sense to you, but it's about the only thing that got through to my brain when I was at my very worst : Sometimes when you can't change things it feels like you're up against a wall and there's no way of climbing over it. There isn't even any way of getting a foothold to start climbing. The only way out is to imagine other things around the wall. You could paint the wall all different colours, or plant a garden at the foot of the wall, or walk along the wall to see if it ends somewhere. Now this may sound like hippy b**ls***t but it's worth thinking about. Hope that helps Good luck T

Other non-drug things that help are jumping up an,d down on the spot and horse riding (ok , not always easy to put into practice theese. Over here we take Doliprane (which I believe is Panadol under another name) and it usually works for me. Don't take aspirin as it'll make the bloodflow much worse (don't ask me how I know that...) Good luck

My friends have never actuallly come out and said all this to me (they're my friends after all), but they're embarrassed by the whole thing and so am I. It's just a fine line between self preservation and denying myself something which could turn out to be quite positive. I think that bitterness can be necessary for a short amount of time, but that long term resentment can only be negative. I'd like to put all this behind me as quickly as possible. What I think I'll do is wait for the day when I'll feel OK seeing both of them together (for now I can live with the idea but have no desire to see it/them in the flesh as it were whereas him alone would be fine). That'll be the day when I'll make a move to get back in touch.

This post has been kinda highjacked so I don't know if you'll get to read my reply...anyway, here goes. At first I was tempted to dismiss your post as a load of...but got thinking about my own history and the lives of my prettier friends. I'm what you'd describe as attractive (and even gorgeous if people go for my particular type) and have a few friends that are real beauties (and anyone who claims not to know what that means and that real beauty comes from within is either a real hypocrite or living on some kind of higher level - which is great for them but that's NOT how the rest of the world thinks). And surprisingly, everyone I'd class as v attractive is in your position OP. So what can we learn from this. I think that in a society as obsessed by appearances as ours, being born attractive is a blessing and a curse at the same time. It's a curse as we become obsessed by our appearance which leads us to 1. Not make much of an effort to charm people. As you say in one post, good looking people make less of an effort on their personality, confidence, grooming etc as they figure they don't have to. 2. Develop a 'prince charming' syndrome. Because we think we can, we set our hopes way too high. As soon as you're with someone, you assume somebody better's going to come along, or get into really ambiguous friendships (I've definitely messed up a couple of relationships ibn this way). 3. Become totally self obsessed and think that however attractive you may be, it's never enough. Just one example, Saturday night, the third guy to hit on me of an evening, says to me, 'you haven't got regular features but you're a really pretty girl'. Now guess what part of that I remembered. That's right - 'you haven't got regular features' even though he pleaded with me not to leave him at the end of the evening and several times as well. I think the best thing to do is take a more humble approach to this kind of thing. I'm working on it. Besides, in 5 or 6 years time I'll have started to age so this won't matter so much (and I'll surely regret not being attractive anymore).

Err...I meant masochist in contemplating being friends with this guy because let's face it, it would make everyone's life easier (yes, even mine, when it comes to tying up loose ends). It's just that I've been hurt and I don't want to be used again (I meant 'masochist' in the 'pushover' sense of the word). Thing is, several of our mutual friends are waiting for me to make amends, and I'm tempted to when I look aropund me at these women who are still bitter after years and years. I know it's not always their fault, but sometimes I feel that this would help me move on (if I could only be sure I won't be taken for a ride again...I can just see people sniggering behind my back as I write this).

Believe me, if I don't want to see a guy again I DO NOT CALL (in fact I probably bin his number - or erase it - at the first opportunity)

So I guess this means I am being a masochist (sorry about the typo in the subject heading) ???

straight curious ??? thanks, I guess I finally know what i am (and can stick a brand new shiny label on myself)

1. the progress so far first month - fine as hadn't sunk in yet next month - worst days of my life so far months 3 and 4 - violent moodswings. I remember feeling really high (like I'd taken something) two thirds of the time interspersed with brutal bouts of depression. month 5 - something is definitely getting fixed. No more crying. Don't feel like I really love him anymore. Startting to develop crushes on other guys. Had a couple of affairs. More bitter than depressed nowadays. 2. Contact by email (not that regularly) and via a couple of friends - I'm the one who doesn't want it at the moment.

When the bf and I split up, I had always contemplated being friends (this is the first tieme I've ever wanted to be friends with an ex - because we were together for so long and because we have a lot in common). However, i had no idea he could be so horrible to me, which is why we haven't been speaking (apart from the occasional email) for about 3 months. Basically, he fell in love with another girl and left me for her (to cut a long story short). OK this sort of thing happens all the time and I am, gradually, getting over it. What I still have trouble with is the fact that he pinned the whole thing on me and my insecurities. Another problem is that he's very ambitious and always had a specific professionnal dream. Now I gave up quite a lot to help him achieve this, and guess what, he gets rid of me just as it's all coming together for him. So I spent all of June and most of July calmly contemplating suicide/leaving the country/drugs/feigning madness and driving close friends and family completely crazy, whilst he's out there having the time of his life (and I'm not exaggerating this). Is it time to make amends or am I a complete wuss if I forgive n forget ?? (according to a mutual friend, he doesn't want to lose touch and has already hinted that we see each other in a couple of emails - hints I've ignored)

Evening (well it is here) No Ben and Jerrys where I come from (you'd be surprised if I told you) but I had contemplated renting a DVD and sitting around doing nothing for an evening. Actually feel better now - what did the trick was walking for an hour. Oh yeah, and a friend has just rung and wants to see me tonight so guess I won't spent Saturday night alone after all (which is just defering the problem I know, but anything that'll make me snap out of it at this stage is worth trying).

When it gets near the "anniversary" of my getting dumped, I always feel terrible for some reason. Today I feel really lonely and dejected whereas I've been feeling fine for the last 3 or so weeks. It's true that this is the first eveing I'll probably have to spend alone for ages. When I'm like this I get really clingy and start ringing all my friends in the vague hope someone will invite me to do something. I'm sacred to be left by myself when things get like this. It feels like I'm harassing them or something, and I'm sure people can sense ow desperate I sound. Any tips on what to do when life plays around with you like this ??

Greetings form France once again, After your last message I shall give myself a virtual pat on the back ( an e-pat ??). Just one extra thing, remember that most of us only post on here when the going gets a bit rough (ie me at the moment). We tend to forget all those days in between where life may not be the most wonderful thing on the world but it's ok - that's to say our friends make us laugh and food doesn't tatse like cardboard. But yeah, sometimes i just feel like a complete loser (ie now), and my future love life is erm...hazy at best. Unlike most of you who seem to have enough patience to keep things in perspective, I've given in a few times and been with some really desperate guys. In the long run, this doesn't really solve anything so I'm a bit in the dark as to what to do with myself. It doesn't help that the ex sends me emails every day and wants us to meet up (seen what he did to me I think that's a little premature).

What about giving up on men and writing scripts for soap operas instead then ?? No, more seriously, I'm going to follow your good advice and do something strictly platonic with guy 1 and shall have nothing more to do with the other two Meanwhile, the quest for 'casual love' continues

Back on the dating circuit after a 5 year long term relationship, and stuff which should be obvious to most (and probably will be to me in a few months) remains a mystery. So what should I do about these 3 guys Guy 1 Very interesting, much older than me (I'd say around 50, I'm 30). Lots of common interests, lots of interesting conversations in store. Not really interested sexually (and wonder what his motives are). Wants to take me to the movies, wine tasting etc etc Guy 2 Much younger (24), we've already slept tohether, very keen. Trouble is I have nothing to say to him, and it feels like I'm sleeping with my little brother. Very cute but I really don't knw what we could do together apart from sex Guy 3 The barman... Married with a young kid (ouch!) and keeps running hot and cold all the time. Has told my best firend he's not interested in me but that 'life is complicated' (his words, not mine) and then 30 mn later goes on about how beautiful he thinks I am. Not really attractive and we're from completely different walks of life, but highly intelligent and the chemistry between us is...erm...chemical. Should I go for any of these, or go for someone else, or start a new career writing soap opera scripts ???

You will come to realise in time that you are absolutely normal (wanting it 10 times a day IS a problem, twice isn't). Count yourself lucky, you have a normal, healthy sex drive. Ok, there are lots of situations where you have to learn to control that sex drive (and it's much easier for us girls), but that's not really anything to worry about either. The stereotype is that men must want it all the time and women never, when the reality is somewhere in the middle (ie about twice a day). Celebrate !!

2 years is nothing. I wonder about a 20 year age gap, but when you're part of the same generation it really shouldn't matter (heck, I was with a guy 4 years younger than me for 5 years).

You picture the ex getting down on their knee and begging you to take them back for the umpteenth time (own up, we all do it) and you no longer feel happy or vindictive. You'd just calmly explain why you wouldn't want to go through it all again with them. (just thought id share yjis revelation)

Yeah, maybe the trophy thing , hadn't thought of that before It's true that a principal reason for sleeping around (or trying to as f*** ups are numerous in this field) is that it can give your self confidence a real boost the jail reason made me laugh as well (you never know seen the company I've been keeping recently...)

That's hilarious there's this guy I'm obsessing about way (way) too much at the moment and he really isn't attractive (short, not much hair) who's, wait for it : A BARTENDER And yes he's given me all this bartender spiel ('take me away with you tonight away from this place etc etc' - I refused as I'm a bit dumb, but I do know about bartender spiel). So yes, why is it people ?

You answered a question I didn't ask Maybe I didn't make myself clear I'm not wondering why they don't call (I've been around long enough to work that one out) but what makes them ask (and on occasion beg - I swear I had a guy wake me up twice and ask me for my number as I'd fallen asleep the first time hoping he'd give up) for my number if they have no intention of seeing me again when I'm not that sure, I don't ask THAT's the part I don't understand Was that clear this time around ??

Just a something I don't understand about basic masculine psychology : Back on the dating circuit with the usual ups n downs and there's this one thing that really gets me. I meet a guy I'm not that into and I think, well, I'm single what the heck, and the feeling is probably mutual. We go for a drink or I take him home, or whatever, and things go ok but neither of us is smitten. When it's time to part, the guys ALWAYS ask me for my number or offer to give me theirs. I don't give them mine, but I usually take theirs, even if its just out of politeness. Then I'll wonder if I should ring and I never end up ringing. On the other hand, I have texted a 2 or 3 of these guys on the off chance (not that interested but hey, I'm open to 'adventure' I guess...). Strange thing is, they don't ring/text back, and then I feel let down, not because I liked them, but because it's human nature (plus I quite enjoy casual sex which may be unusual for a woman but there you go). Now I wasn't really that bothered in the first place so why did they give me their number ? Was it just to be be polite or am I missing something here.

Thanks for keeeping your diary going. It's great to read about someone essentially going through the same stuff as me (cept for the kid) - the moodswings, the giddiness, the career changes, the x number of potential lovers that never quite come into being as something always goes wrong at the last mn etc. Thanks for being so honest as well. I feel a lot of this stuff as well but would never have the guts to post it up here. I'd love to be zombie number 56 or whatever, but it's a bit far from Paris (no, not Texas, the other one) to Louiseville (famous for depressing rock bands and megachurches if I'm not mistaken ???) Keep on posting in the free world !!! T