TIGRONETTE

I haven't told him that, OK ? (I do have some common sense !) That said, the post before did raise an interesting point. I've often wished I had met this guy later, in a few months time, say, once I'll truly be rid of te * * * * that happened to me last year (they say it takes about a year and a half to be totally over something like that and I'd tend to agree). Thing is, you can't predict when love will strike, and I'm scared I'll kill this off because I'm not 'ready', and not ready yet to give this guy the emotional support he obviously needs.

I'm going to be horrible over the next few weeks cause everything fell apart over two weeks this time last year (and strange as it may seem, it did just take a couple of weeks). So this 'anniversary' is going to be pretty rough, as it has only been a year after all. As for the situation I'm in now, no we aren't living together. It's a troubled relationship in the sense that he's got pretty serious problems (I had misgivings about going out with him at first but then realised I could be missing out on something that may only happen once a lifetime by backing off) and can't really provide support if I'm feeling low. So far, I've been strong enough to handle this as my life's been pretty cool over the last 6 or so months, but now I'm stuck - I don't want what happened to me last year to jeapordise what's happening now and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if we decide to end it soon.

This time last year, my bf of 5 years broke up with me in really atrocious conditions (I got thrown out of the appartment we co-rented and he got married to someone else within 5 moths). Thanks to this site, and others, I managed to crawl out of pretty vile depression over several gruelling months. In december, I met someone new, and though the relationship was complicated from the start, it felt like I'd fallen in love for the first time in my life (I swear I've never lived through anything as intense). Now this relationship is going sour too (I'm not very patient or a good listener and he has his problems too), and I'm terrified of going through exactly the same harrowing pain as last time, only this time I don't know how I'm going to pull through (and I've started using emotional blackmail which I know is hideous). I'd just like him to realise that I'm going to be pretty horrible fort the next 2 or 3 weeks and woud like him to understand but feel that making demands like this is a bit unreasonable.

I wish I'd met this guy six months down the line, then stuff would have been clear as it is, I'm less than a year away from a traumatic break up and really didn't expect to find someone I really liked that quickly (especially seen as I'm pretty choosy). As said, six months down the line, I'd have the strength to fight my inner demons and trust him, or else give him a big kick in the backside and get the hell out as it is, I'm stuck. when we're together, things are incredible. I swear I've never been in something like this before. And no, this isn't the 'non bipolar rollercoaster ride' that I've read about on various sites. when we're not together, I can trust him to spin one on me every few days. The latest is saying 'I don't want to be hemmed in, I'll call you tomorrow' when I asked if he wanted to see me tomorrow. There's been worse than this though. Thing is, a few days after an outburst, I can usually expect 50 text messages or something along the lines of 'I spent all night crying and thinking about you'. How do I deal with this (or not as the case may be) ?

I think I've got the message about what to do in the long run (I've asked people gay and straight in a non virtual context and they said much the same thing) I WAS considering writing to him on Monday just asking for news as I do care about what happens to him, but also explaining why I don't really want us to see each other for the moment is this the right way to act or should I just 'disappear' ?

Thx for the advice so far this is basically what I've been doing I told him that I didn't want to speak to him on the phone and that we would see each other again, but in time and that I'd write first we used to write messages to each other every day and I haven't for a couple of days so far (then again, neither has he) I basically think I should wait another 3 or 4 days before I get in touch, but have no idea what to say then again, maybe I should just forget about the whole thing

Bear with me, this one's a bit long...any constructive comments ?? Have been going out with a guy I mt online back in November. well he's gay, or at least thinks he is (never actually 'done it' with a guy) or i don't know seen the rubbish he spouts half the time anyway, we saw each other after the holidays and I don't know, something just wasn't right what freaked me out is that he moved out of his mother's place and gave up smoking, all this connected to meeting me (not exactly FOR me but freaky nonetheless) and said that on NYE he wanted to find out if he was gay once and for all but it didn't work out so back to Monday night, got drunk and made out as usual, even though it wasnn't as intense for me, and tried to have sex with me, well managed to go down on me for a bit and then no more hard on I went to sleep at this stage but he doesn't and cries all night (he says) over the failure of our relationship leaves in the morning, really cold and distant, I was half awake so took me a while to relise call him on his mobile and he explains what happens (sounds like he's fighting back tears and all) so we met on Tuseday (he wanted to chicken out but I made him) and he says that he's sure he's gay but that he's got to put things to the test and that he'll get rid of me violently if he is (???) should have got up and walked away at this stage but instead ended up bearing my soul and he did too (I think). so we start holding hands again then his mood changes, we got back to mine to see what can be salvaged, if anything, and he gets in a really dark mood, tells me he's a manipulator and hideous and looked really down, says he's gay and just went with me to proove this to himself I snapped at this stage (I'd asked him before if he thought there was any point in us going on and he was pretty vague) and started listing his shortcomings and saying that I don't think he's that attractive and a complete basket case (not because of his sexual orientation mind you) and does nothing with his time (all true to some exent) he said he's a liar and a cheat, I had to agree there strange to say I felt really awful in the day but not too bad at this point (finally getting this stuff out in the open was a relief) we did end up in bed together but just held each other all night next morning he's in a really weird mood, starts counting the minutes like a man about to be executed or something (why ? he wanted this in the first place) Wednesday I get an email from him saying he's got a lot of affection for me and doesn't want us to lose touch, then phones me but I don't pick up the call as I'm already on the phone to a friend I ring him and we talk a bit, says he felt like dying earlier in the day, wants to invite me to his new place etc etc so now I'm stuck, need to think things through, my head says stop, my heart says stay in touch and see what happens, though when it comes down to it, this'll never work out and I'm not sure we can just be friends

Careful not to mix up technique, agressivity (more being active than literally aggressive) and experience. I'll answer re agressivity basically, it's important to 'get on' sexually with your 'playmate' and that has nothing to do with how you respond, as long as you feel comfortable of course. I'm not boasting but i am pretty forthright and confident when it comes to sex. Now I've had guys who hated that and who begged me to be more passive (I tried...I couldn't), others who really liked it hard to explain, but you've got to make that 'connection' and generally I can tell by kissing someone if it's going to be a complete disaster knowing this kind of thing comes with experience, this has nothing to do with technique. Most of the time, i give a lousy blowjob (usually cause I can't be bothered), but hey, it doesn't bother me that much, might get round to learning one day.

Thanks for your message I was kind of working this stuff out for myself tonight (we slug it out via email and it's a better way of getting your feelings out than using a mobile (cell to you I guess) phone) what you just wrote confirms the whole lot

well we talked today - I challenged him about using this as an excuse to let me down gently and he said I couldn't be more wrong. He wasn't as bad as yesterdaybut still saying stuff like I feel the need to do stupid aggressive things to proove I'm man enough for you, it feels like you're controlling the situation and that I can't cope... (as you may have guessed, the whole thing is spiralling out of control and I am no more in command than he is, just feel that if I don't put up a 'semi-normal' front things will desintegrate completely, maybe I should get the hell out as quickly as possible, maybe I'd be bypassing something huge if I did that, who knows, these are confusing times)

Yeah, you may have a point with this options open thing, we've discussed it already and don't really know what to do (I'd like to keep my options open too (seriously) yet we both - and I mean both, he had misgivings first - sense the pitfalls in doing this).

I am not looking to start a family (hell maybe this is just a 3 month fling as I've mentioned above) and I can take care of myself thank you very much. As for a 'real man' (whatever that's supposed to mean), to me he's just as much of a man as any. Ive only known this guy a month and so I'm amazed things have got to this level so quick (sounds corny but I really do feel stuff I've never felt before and I think he does too). I know i can't 'fix' him, but I'd just like to make him feel like he 'deserves' me (as he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met) - well if he's for real that is.

I've just written him an email explaining stuff I couldn't say to him on the phone (things just didn't sound right) basically saying that it hurts me too when he's behaving like this. Don't know if I should send it though (I mean if he's trying to let me down gently it won't help). Maybe best to wait until he rings tomorrow ??

Not mine, his. I've just met someone new and I've never been in this situation before. I've no idea how things could get so deep, so quickly. I just want to throw caution to the wind and see where this takes me (3 monts, 3 years, who cares...). Thing is, this guy's somewhat of a 'basket case' (geeky, 30 and still lives with his mother, bisexual and more besides). I think I can handle it though, well I think it's worth having a go anyway. We spoke on the phone this afternoon and he keeps telling me he's really afraid, and especially afraid of letting me down, that he doesn't deserve me, that he's scared I'll turn him into my plaything. Now is this some way of giving me the cold shoulder (hey, I can handle it even if I'll be sad, we haven't been going out that long). But if he is sincere, and i think (hope ?) he is, what can I do ?

One week down the line, I think you may be right, and that my misgivings were basically a form of fear. I've never done this kind of thing before and always thought it was or losers, but, you know, recent circumstances etc etc etc we're meeting on Monday (unless one of us has second thoughts) and he seems to be as scared as I am. Thing is, with the stuff he's said to me online (if neither of us are disappointed by this first ancouter of course), it really isn't going to be easy...

Well I've met one of the just for sex ones already so no, he didn't stand me up and he wasn't a perv either but we had absolutely nothing in common, we're not even living on the same planet... well we arranged to ring each other over the week end (I think he's realised I'm not that keen), so I've got a few days to decide what to do - ie to one night stand or not to one night stand as for the 'soul baring' one, it's true that we have exactly the same sense of humour and I sense that we've got a hell of a lot in common it's just that I've heard a lot about jerks on the internet who just want to get women hooked to take some kind of revenge out on the whole of the fairer sex, and I don't know if you've read my previous posts on other topics, but it's safe to say I'm a bit 'fragile' relationship wise and I don't want to break the little confidence I've worked so hard to get back but then again, if you're scared of getting hurt you don't risk much (and I really really didn't expect to be in this situation re internet dating)

I think you misunderstand my question I originally chose to date online FOR SEX AND JUST FOR SEX, because it seems better to do it this way than get picked up by drunken idiots in bars (why is it that no-one can comprehend this in a woman, we are in 2005 after all) Thing is I never expected to get into any other territory with anyone using these sites. I never expected to have much in common with any of these guys let alone the weird kind of kinship that may be developing here, dunno, it's early stages yet. I'm wondering, should I count myself lucky or am I in danger of getting hurt if I carry on (hasn't got to the point where we've discussed much else besides literature and sexual orientation so far). I'd hate to be missing out on something potentially big but I'm a bit apprehensive too ( this could just be fear of giving away too much) - don't want to get intoi a headfcuk situation

So I've started getting hooked on the local internet dating site, and mostly it's going OK I've got four guys on the go and they seem mostly into sex and not much else. Conversation is quite banal but fun nonetheless and I'll probably meet up with one or two in the week just to check them out. The 5th one is the problem we've only been writing each other letters for a week and a half and the conversation has already got to a really deep level. At first I was really sarcastic the whole time and he seemed hurt by that so it went into more of a soul bearing phase and christ, I've said stuff to this guy I wouldn't even say to some of my closest friends. Should I stay on the case or get the hell out of there (too deep too quick) ??

So what happens if the ex doesn't want anything to do with you ? what can you take away then ?

i already feel a bit better, as you know, these things come and go as for the wedding, I never really cared about getting married and refused to discuss having kids when he brought it up a few times (which might explain some stuff) but it hurts just the same

So it's been six months and after a good patch in July, and another one in September to mid October, I've been sinking and falling HARD shouldn't things be starting to lift by now ?? ok what doesdn't help, as some of you might know, is that the ex is getting married soon, really soon, to a woman he's been officially going out with for 5 months (we were together over 5 yrs) and refuses to give me even 15 mn of his time to explain at first he said he had no problem seeing me, then backed down twice so i told him to see me out of respect for a mutual friend, as he osviously didn't have a microgram of respect for me he sent me back a really abusive message saying he didn't see why we should meet and that he was pleased the situation was clear he's calling all the shots and I wish there was some way of changing that situation, seems there's no way out though i feel terrible as I've no option here but to try and forget, and please spare me the life goes on you'll meet someone else hang in there don't think about it stuff (it really ISN'T constructive at this stage - everytime anyone says that it feels like I'm beiong pushed that much closer to the edge) i also feel awful as i've got a few friends going through the same kind of thing (no wedding though) and it seems as if their exes are so much more considerate what did I do to deserve this ??

My bf of 5 years left me for someone else (well dumped me so he could sleep with her) and turns out now that he's getting married to someone he's 'officially' been going out with for 5 months i've backtracked and there's no way he could have known her for more than 8 months i spoke to a friend who works as a psychologist and she said this 'rebound wedding' phenomenon more common than you'd think Is it ??

Now here our stories start to differ I was left for someone who looks/brains/finances wise is definitely in the same league as me (no point in going into more detail than that). So I guesss I have fewer reasons to feel vindictive than you. He doesn't want me back but would really like us to hang out as mates. The git does not understand why I refuse to see him at the moment (how can we even be occasional drinking buddies if he can't even comprehend that !). It's only by letting go that you'll have the chances of finding someone else. Yes it does happen out of the blue to some people but I reckon it's either 1. incredibly good luck (a small minority of cases) 2. they'll make do with the first person who comes along (the vast majority) So I just try and take things one day at a time. I know it's hard when we live in a world that doesn't teach us to be patient, where everythning seems to be about competition and societal/peer pressure (and now that I've hit 30 it's suddenly got a whole lot more intense). But I reckon I've got to resist - don't have much choice in the sense that I've been doing OK (not wonderfully, but OK) for about a month now and don't want to start sinking again. My life hasn't even been this good for about a year so its a question of survival I guess.

Wow...that's pretty crazy your story really is pretty close to mine, except that it was 5 years and not six, the gender is different, that I'm 30 not 33 and that it was a bass player not a hair stylist (oh yeah, and people don't think that I'm a lesbian if I make an effort to dress up). Like you, I've had a few affairs with guys I don't like and all my friends say I could do better (but somehow I never do these days for similar reasons to those in your post, ie I only fall for guys who make a shameless play at me as I'm too inhibited to do anything else). Likewise, this wasn't my first long term relationship, but it was the first to end really badly for me anyways. For a while I did wonder if I wasn't scarred or something. However, in the last month (it's been 5 months for me) I've managed to take a step back. I reckon it's just a question of time - we mustn't be too impatient. So yeah, I would like to find someone new (or at least someone to hang around with for a while) but when your soul has been ground down to nothing like this, it ain't going to happen in a day, sorry. The way I get by is figuring out how far I've come in 5 months. I really am proud of myself. 3 months ago (once I stopped locking myself indoors and crying all the time) I'd go all red and clammy like some silly teenager anytime a guy even looked at me and even contemplated going out with guys who hit on me in the street (thank God i didn't). Last night I got hit on by a cute-ish drunk guy and had enough presense of mind to say no but take his number in case I change my mind. Oh and a barman I've had my eye on for ages said I 'looked perfect' (his words not mine). He's a bit of a sh*t though so I also pride myself on the fact that I didn't chase that one up. I'm not writing this to brag (no...really) just to say that I'm sure you'll come up with similar examples from your own recent past to proove that you're on the right track and that you'll be fine - just give it a few extra months.

Afternoon (Ipresume you're in the UK), Just another thing that works wonders (well did for me this morning anyway) Find some kind of sport or artistic activity you were into at school or something. Take evening classes, or better still classes during the day at the week end. I swear it's a brilliant way of getting rid of all that pent up anger - much more constructive than boring your firends to death, weeping down the phone to your mum or getting sh#tfaced at the next opportunity. This morning I was really hung up over a(n unintentionally) nasty email I'd received from the ex and went to my art class feeling really down. Well I managed to get it all out on paper (I was pressing down so hard I almost made holes in the board), but surprisingly, what I drew was rather better that usual, and that put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Plus these activities are a good way of socialising with people you don't owe anyhting to, and towards whom you don't feel remotely romantically inclined (as it does some good to take time out from all that as well).