confusedashell

Thanks for sharing your story! Luckily the big financial side of things is something that wont be worried about. We dont have anything like that "together" since we are both pretty young. If we had, I'd be very scared!hah. I want to get this divorce sorted myself. I am leaving soon enough with my son and she comes to the Uk four weeks after that. I plan to have the papers printed and signed and when she comes I will give them to her to sort out. For me its final. If she wants out, then its ALL the way out. No foot in the door just incase nothing better comes along. I've bent over backwards to try and accomdate her and her need for a life on her own for awhile. Nothing seems good enough, so in the end she wants out. Fine. Thats what you'll get. I'm not under any illusions, once its totally over - its over. I dont buy any of that crap she feeds me about getting back together. The chance of that is far less than the chance of her meeting someone "new and exciting" where that spark that she so longs is there in abundance. Once thats gone, she'll be back where she started

if the love is strong enough, it definetly does. Can make you realise what you are missing. Otherwise its just time apart that you get used to an comfortable with. Seeing eachother when you do can just make it more and more akward until finally one of you no longer cares.

Since we're both from different countries and I will move home soon this isnt a break up in the normal sense. This is a real break up. It's not like we live down the street from one another and see eachother every single day so its no big deal with the children. It's a real serious matter. I offered her to give her space until xmas and see shes what she wants. She doesnt want that. Maybe I'm making excuses for her but I in someways understand her. We had a child when we were 23, been together since we are 21 and I've had a few times where I felt like I should get out and do something. Questioned if I loved her and wanted to be in this relationship for the right reasons, questioned how we were going and all that. Although those periods are maybe twice in the whole time we've been together and usually as a reult of a lot of stress, pressure and worry. I guess the feeling of being trapped is normal. But I cant sit here feeling like we will get back together because that will drive me insane. Besides the fact that if she does find someone, sooner or later that will happen, I'll end up going through all this again. I need some closure and to move on. of course because we have a family together and I do still love her, I feel like I cant just give up on it. Like if I do then I give up on our family and our sons chance at a "normal" family. I asked her straight out if what she was saying was to spare my feelings and she said no, that that is how she feels. I guess that is how she feels now, she wants to have her own life and get a relationship later. Fair enough, but she cant make any promises and she cant predict the future, so why even bother to say that? She begins some pretty serious studies now which will take up a HELL of a lot of her time. Coping with a part time job and child in the mix isnt going to help. I am moving home and we will bounce our son around for the next 9 months until which time she will move to the UK (with a lot of resistance i think). When we meet up we will act like bf/gf. I know thats what will happen. She went to a friends house warming party tonight. Before she leaves she comes up and kisses me on the lips. Like normal. Yes, my head is in about a million pieces now. She has taken a 180 with herself lately. The last few months. She was the one that commented on it and I started to notice it a little more then. Honestly the whole break up thing is amazingly funny, confusing and stupid: amonth ago: One day we're totally fine. Planning for the time when she starts her new studies and all that. Totally as usual. She has been having a few problems lately with stress and all that and tells me one night she wants to go to her fathers empty apartment for a few days or a week. I was a little irritated with that because of somethings and I said something like "go, I wont be here when you get back". I didnt actually think she was serious about it and lashed out because it seemed to be her way of telling me I was being a jerk. A few weeks later, like three, she says she wants to take a break for the month. I said take a year if you want. Thats not going tpo help anything, we need to talk things out instead.- She freaked out saying a year was WAY too long. then later she started to mention a year and I said a yeah was too long and would cause so many problems for us finacially and with our son. So then the day came and she went for the break up. She says I basically talked her into this. That I should have kept my mouth shut hah. She sent me a mail from her job a few days before she dropped all this on me telling me how much she loved me and how great it is that we're together. then bam!

Thanks for the tips! Well there isnt any financial cost to our divorce. It would be fast and cheap, thats why its this confusing. I asked her right out why she wants to finish but not get a divorce and this is the messed up answer I got: "its so final..I dont know, its too final and too much to deal with. If I want a relationship in the future, i want it to be with you so having a divorce just makes it messy" Nice girl this!

Well you probably know my story. My wife feels trapped, has commitment issues by her own admission. Feels like she has to report to me and so on. But anyway, she ended this but when I say "ok, we'll sort out the divorce papers this week" she goes all quite and just says no. no real reason, just that she cant. Ok, I still love the woman and she seems to have it somewhere in her head that sooner or later we'll get back together, but for now doesnt want a relationship (wakey wakey woman, we have a child!). should I just go ahead and sort these papers out myself? or give her sometime and see what happens???

Thanks for all the replies and the honest advice! We will still have to live together for a few more weeks. That will make it hard. Its not easy here for me now, I'm trying to keep a brave face but my insides are in knots. I feel like vomiting. She on the other hand is being a mix of angry one second and the next she is hugging and kissing me saying how she doesnt want to hurt me. She admits that for the last month she has been feeling like this, so shes had time to warm up to the idea. Her need to be alone, her need to not have to deal with any relationship things (like that simple asking how your night was) or anything else is just the only thing thats important to her now. That and her studies. She wants nothing else. And nothing will change her mind on it. I'm not going to even try. This "love you but not IN love with you" speech almost made me want to scream because I think its really a poor excuse. her best friend recently got a new bf and they are in that stage, you know. From the day they got together its been "why arent we like that anymore?" Because darling, we've been together ever single day for SIX YEARS. Tonight we will talk about what to do with our son. This could get messy. I'm trying to be the good guy here so that it doesnt come back and bite me in the a.ss later. But she was the one unwilling to give our marriage a go when the chips were down, when it really mattered, so I'll not be very receptive of an attitude on our son that is "my way or no way".

I dont think there is any point in my trying to do more right now. Anything I do will be taken the wrong way, me trying to convince her of how she feels, me trying to make her stay with me because of our son. She is on the defensive now so its best to walk away. She KNOWS how much I love her, but hse doesnt have the same feelings for me as I do for her. Somewhere along the path in the either few months or few weeks, that all died for her it seems and I cant do anything about that right now. Except try my hardest to pick myself up and make myself and my son happy. Maybe later she doesnt feel like that about me or our relationship who knows. I suggessted to her that she go and talk to someone because she is so worried about how I feel. I wasnt trying to be smart or trying to be condesending, I was just thinking it could help HER. Not us, but just her. I think she took that the wrong way too. All I can do now is focus on me and my son and see what happens in the future. If its meant to be, then it will be. If not, then she'll find happiness with someone else and so be it. I just know that I blew the best thing in my life - my family. I messed it all up

Well you probably know my story already. Last night all this really hit home for me. I guess in the last week or two I actually thought this could be somehow fixed and the way she was acting towards me I thought she wasnt 100% out the door yet. But she is and in all honesty, I can say she's pretty happy and relieved by the whole thing. I can just see it in her eyes and the way she acts. I guess she always felt like I was telling her what to do. That wasnt the case, but I guess she felt like because we were ina pretty serious relationship (i.e. marriage) that she had to report to someone. I'm sorry she feels like that, it wasnt ever so for me. But I'm wondering how the hell do you start to move on and get over something when you have to face that person almost daily and contact is almost daily?Just getting used to not having the person who you have shared life with for the last six years is hard enough, harder still when you still love them as much as the day you met them and even harder still when you realise that they are pretty happy and relieved to be out of it! Ok, we had a few problems, but i dont think it was THAT bad. In Fact I can say with 100% that most of her reasons for wanting to be alone is complete paranoia about me. I asked her last night if she had a good night at her friends housewarming and she said that thats why she doesnt want to be with me, because I make her report. I was only asking if you had a good time! She lost her phone a few weeks ago and we didnt have the money to get a new one for her. But she bought one about a week ago and just never told me. Why? Because she thought I'd go mental that she spent what little money we had on something like a phone. Yeah, I dont think it was wise to do, but she really didnt want to tell me. I found it. No there was nothing odd in it, but she got really defensive about it. Its just examples. Seems everything that is wrong is my fault, all her unhappiness and whatever is my fault and our relationship is to blame for every little thing. Yes I have some blame, but not all this! I wasnt ever controlling, wasnt ever telling her what she can and cant do, who she could and couldnt be friends with, nothing. I still love her. I would have done anything to fix this. But she doesnt want that. She just wants out. Thats hard to take. But what can I do. Nothing. If thats what she wants, then ok. I stupidly sent her some emails in work telling her I'm sorry for the way she feels and if shed only try this again we could work on fixing it. But no. She is looking forward to this in a lot of ways, a new life and new start. Thinking of her, the love of my life with someone else. That someone else will get to have that woman in their lives in the way I did and wanted is well, its killing me. Just the idea of it and it hasnt happened it. Sooner rather than later, it will happen. I dont know how I'll deal with that. Guess I have to be strong. Even if its difficult. Well we have a son together, so we will have a lot of contact. How do you move forward in that situation?? I'm trying my hardest NOT to even contemplate us getting back together or that later she'll change her mind. I cant walk around with that kind of false hope. She knows I love her and knows I want to fix our relationship (99% of it is totally fixable). Thats all I can do. But I need to be able tomove on. Has anyone been in a similar situation???? I really could do with some advice on this!

Id say keep doing what you're doing. obviously this no pressure approach is paying off nicely!

I dont even think that she is avoiding the situation anymore. well maybe thats part of it, but its me she is avoiding. she doesnt want to have to listen to me asking her questions. Probably makes her feel bad. still, if i was her i'd rather get this over with as fast as possible.

Maybe all you two need is some space and a good long serious talk? Tell him whats bothering you about the relationship. You obviously still have a lot of feelings for him. If he wants it and you want it and you both and resolve your differences I say go for it. You dont want to end up leaving it all and later realising you shouldnt have had. Thats just what I think...

Tiredman, I really think your gf will come around. She maybe just feels like its overwhelming now, but I have the feeling she'll be back. At least it looks like that. Have ye gotten together for a talk somewhere? like maybe at a bar or coffee house? somewhere you can both feel relaxed and talk calmly? I think it oculd be very worth while. Maybe call her quickly and say can we meet up someday next week for a coffee. Dont let the call go on too long though, otherwise theres no point to meet Yes I still love my wife. Will always love her. But its not about what I want right now, its about what she wants. And right now she wants to be alone. She doesnt want a divorce because she obviously is thinking that sooner or later we'll be back together. Well, I cant sit here waiting for her to come back to me or until she finds someone else and then wants a divorce. I'm at the point now where if I love her - I let her go. If its meant to be, then it will be. We're not going to be disappearing from eachothers lives until one of us is dead. But the last four years of this marriage have all been about her. Her future, Her studies. Mine has been on hold so to speak. Theres not many people who gave up as much as I did for their family and for their wife and even though I feel a little burned now, I still feel proud of it. My son will be proud of me someday. And right now there is just two people in this world I want to focus on: Me and my son. Of course not being with my wife is going to be tough. I've lived everyday of my life with her for a long time. We've shared a lot. I'll miss not having her around all the time. I'll miss seeing her everyday and not sharing in eachothers lives as much as we did until now. Most of all I'll miss our little family. I'll miss that so much. us being there for eachother. mother/wife, father/husband and child. I'll miss planning together and doing things together. But right now, there is nothing in the world I can do to make her think differently and anything I say or do will just make her want this alone time even more. She'll interpet everything as me trying to control her, pressure her, dictate to her what she can and cant do. And thats the reason (no matter how paranoid they are) she wants to live alone. So I am walking away. She knows I love her and she knows I want to be with her. But I'm not going to convince her or bully her into it.

Yup, its almost unbelievable. I didnt quiz her at all today. I todl her we have to talk about this ASAP. I want to get this sorted so that theres nothing left unsure or unsaid before my sona nd I leave for the UK. She said she doesnt know anythjing now, her head is a mess (she says) and that she needs piece and quite and to take her mind of all this for a night before she can sit down and get into this. Does this sound like rational thinking? She was having peace and quite for 6 days, then at her fathers for two days...how much quite time do you need??? I dont care how she acts now. I just know that in 10 years time when my son asks me what happened with his parents I can look him in the eye and say: I tired everything to fix this, I tired to get your mother to sit and talk, I tired to get it sorted about you, but she wasnt interested. She had other priorities. I'm happy that I've been acting the way I have. I'm happy that I was the one trying to fix things and find solutions. I'm happy that I was the one wanting to go through the details. Because in the end of the day, sometime in the future she will reflect on how she acted. She even told me today that she has changed..and for the worst. That she has so many things wrong in her head that she cant think straight. At least she's right about one thing. About her going out. Yes it shows no respect to either me, our problems or even herself. She doesnt seem to realise the seriousness of all this. She doesnt seem to understand the mess she's made. She doesnt want to deal with the aftermath of whats happening. Just keeps walking away from it.

well, she came. And we still havent talked. She came back ate and sat around like all was normal. I didnt bring anything up. Eventually she said that she wanted to stay here tonight. I said no, thats its best she goes back to her fathers and stays there. She said she didnt want to. I said stay here if we can talk about whats going on, but more so about our son. She didnt want to talk, she was going to meet her friend and would be back later. I said dont bother coming back. Well, she of course said I was pressuring her again and stressing her out. That she doesnt know anything. I told her that when my son gets back, we're gone two days later. Thats in about five days, so she had better get back here and talk about this. I told her I'm not going to sit down and talk just when she feels like it. I said we'd be leaving by wednesday latest. Then she said how confused she was about it all, that she doesnt know. She doesnt want to do this, doesnt want a relationship, but shes confused. I said its not a confusion thing to ask yourself. Its plain and simple. She said yeah but she doesnt feel the same way she did three years ago. I said who the hell does after this long. She said she doesnt want anyone else, just me. She doesnt want to sleep with anyone but me. Hasnt been interested in another guy since the day she met me. I told her if thats how she feels then stay in this. But either way, figure out what you're doing before I book our tickets. She said she needed time and I said I dont have time. I'm here now, wanting a relationship, want to work on our problems. If you want to fix them then fine. If not I'm leaving on wednesday and that is it. She is meeting her friend and her boyfriend for dinner on friday at their new house. I said cancel that and TALK to me. She said she couldnt. What the hell can I do? I can tie her up and if I ask her to stay home and talk this out she gives me a heap of crap about how confused she is and that she doesnt know how to answer any questions I'll have to ask her because she doesnt know herself the answers. She made this mess and didnt want to fix it, now when it comes down to taking care of the details of it, she doesnt want to. Its as if I was the one who finished it and shes going out to escape dealing with it all.

I told asked her if she was going to stay here tonight and she said yes. I said "well, actually, i think its best you stay at your fathers again". I think she was pretty taken back by it all. The fact that i just dont appear to be giving a monkies about the whole thing. She can come here, do her washing and if she doesnt start to talk then its nothing but to go back to your fathers until you're willing to sort this mess with our son out. I know I shouldnt, but I do enjoy this to some degree. Guess it just feels good not to be feeling sorry for myself. I didnt do anything wrong, I tired to fix it. I dont owe her anything now. But I dont want this to get mean either. We still have to talk about our son, so i need her calm and clear and I need to be that too.

Ok since my marriage is over I thought Id start on somekind of hobby and figured since my videogame and beer lifestyle is starting to take its toll on my health that I'd start swimming and working out a little. Not interested to be some body builder but wouldnt mind bulking up a little (I'm rather skinny now). And basically just get a healthier body. I'm just wondering what advice people have for it? What excerises to do, how to eat correctly and so on??? Thanks in adv!

sounds VERY werid situation! Shes with you for four years and dumps you for your mate and within a week they're engaged to be married? He gets engaged to this girl and then goes off to the US for his studies?? she calls you up and when you say you're doing fine, she just hangs up??? makes no sense at all. Keep doing what you're doing mate! I wouldnt be surprised if she turns around later and asks you to go back with her.

I think that when you just totally back off from a person they get to view the whole situation with a clearer mind and a clearer heart too. You will too. I read through your posts and in a lot of ways, its the same story as me. everything paramounted to where neither her nor me could take it. The only difference was I could see we could fix this and she couldnt. The more distance I get from it, the clearer I see it. And judging by her latest actions, so is she. Let her know you love her, care for her, want to be with her. I dont think there is any point in telling someone how much you changed or whatever, the point is to show them. That woman stayed wirh you for eight years! There obviously was a strong connection and its still there. its just lost and buried by a lot of stress and heartache. Both you should take a step back. Looks to me like she would come around eventually. Just stay strong mate! Be the man she fell in love with!

If I were you, Id drop off her stuff and its really a great thing to leave those comics for her son. nice guy you seem to be. But dont leave the note for her. Just leave it and walk away. If she thinks you're hanging around for her she'll never make her mind up. Just act totally indifferent about it. You'll get your answer sooner rather than later. chin up!!

No I'm not at all angry with her. I'm disappointed that instead of sorting out how we would deal with our son she went out to drink with her mates. I'm disappointed that she is deciding where and when we talk about it. She ended it without a fight and now when I want to sort out the details (not a detail but our son) she wont deal with it. It doesnt matter how much YOU or I want it, it only matters what they want. And right now, my wife just doesnt want it. So I cant do anything. I refuse to be a doormat for her. For her to call me when she is down and lonely, for her to use me like that. When she ended this I made the decision that i would fight for us and when all my efforts were met with a blank face or when she gave nothing back I just feel like I cant do anymore. She has to want it too and she onviously doesnt. In a situation like that you have to think about YOU. Because you cant sit around, not moving on, thinking you'll get back together, reading too much into their words and actions. If they come back they come back on their own and without any bullying. She knows I love her and knows I wanted to work on this. Its not any anger or resentment from my behalf, but in the end I have to think about ME here. Shes thinking about her. Its the healthiest way to approach this. If its meant to be then it will. No amount of begging, pleading, reasoning or whatever will change her mind unless she herself wants to.

I can relate to this and in a lot of ways my ex wife (wow..its only been a day and its werid to say ex) felt like your mother did. She'd always say to me "it feels so bad thatmy whole life is planned out for me already". Even though it wasnt, we make our own choices of what we do, nothing is planned. So now she's regressed to the age of 23 again and gone..well, quite frankly - insane. I CAN understand that feeling though, I had it for awhile, saw my friends making trips to another country, going out, getting wasted, having fun. They didnt have any real responsibility, didnt have to worry about two other people all the time. I envied that. I had moments where I dounted if I should be in a relationship like this, if I really loved my wife and wasnt just afraid to leave, if I really wanted to wake up in 15 years and think I should have ended it. But just one day, she'll do something or my son will do something and it's all as clear as day then, how much I love them and couldnt be without them. But I think I always had some fear about our relationship and some of it was brought on by the fact that her father just cheated on her mother so much until her mother kicked him out and left him. 20 years ago. I was nervous that it would just repeat itself. I dont think there was any cheating involved, but she just probably woke up one day and thought "is this really what I want? Husband, child, family...I'm only 27! and just paniced and after that any problem, any little stressful situation in he rlife was my fault and our relationships fault so she started to emotionally walk away from it all. The thing is once you finish something - it'll hardly ever be the same again. The trust is just gone. The other person is questioning your motives for coming back. They feel like the next breakup is just around the corner.

Thats excatly why I wouldnt and just couldnt get back with her now - trust. In the back of my mind I'd be thinking that she just came back because it felt too "werid" for her not o have me around, or that she had a weak moment and decided maybe i dont know what I'm feeling. I couldnt walk around feeling like that. Had she done this for a day or two then ok, I could take her back and not think about it, but she has been going on for a little too long with this so I think this probably is really what she wants. Maybe she did feel bad for a little bit, I dont know and frnakly, I dont care. It's all destroyed now. Before this she was the one person I felt like I could trust 200%. She'd never lie to me, mislead me or mess me around. How wrong I was! Well she is coming here today to wash. I dont understand that. She can wash her clothes where she is now. She is too stubborn to admit she was wrong so I really dont think she would express some remorse and want us to get back together, but still...after those calls last night, it's going to be an interesting experience. I'll let you know what happens!

Thats hard mate. I feel for you. Really. Thats a long time to spend with someone and then just blow them off. Keep doing what you're doing! Maybe get something to do at the nights to fillthe hours until bedtime? Keep your mind occupied? Thats what I'm going to be doing the times I dont have a four year old to run arund after. I know its hard mate, I'm going through the same thing. Its hard when they just havent fought for anything, like the last 7 years just didnt matter. But trust me, sooner or later she will realise how she acted and most likely realise it was a mistake. Just totally back off from her. Be as indifferent to everything as you can be and when she calls you next just be as normal as possible. That seems to have a way of shifting the control.

Mate, either way, this doesnt sound like a mature or even nice person. Thats just plain hurtful behaviour.

I guess the hard truth is that she just didnt see the relationship as seriously as you did. Dont worry mate, you're young! I know it doesnt sound like much comfort now, but theres another woman just around the corner! And she'll be more appreciative of you.