confusedashell

Theres not much else to do really. I cant and well wont stay here if we're not together and she cant drop her studies that quickly. It was my idea that she relocate to the UK by June and in the meantime work on having her studies transfered there. Shouldnt be too much of a problem for her to do. She is pretty agreeable right now but I'm still aware that sooner or later she could be very different about the whole thing. Thats my whole point to her: that staying together to try and fix this marriage is a lot less trouble in the long run than not trying to save it. Guess she must really want out. I offered to go home for two months and come back. That wasnt a go either. In the end of the day she'll have a rougher time of this than I will. I get to go home, have my old job back, get on pretty well. In the meantime she has to find a new place to live thats cheaper, work part time, study full time. Take care of a child every other month. Then save enough cash to come and collect him when she has to and eventually have everything sorted and enough money to move to the UK and start her life all over again. None of this makes much sense.

Because that girl is more interested in me than a friend. I was taken back by it because my wife told me that one of the reasons she wanted to end this is because the thought of me finding someone else doesnt bother her. Obviously it does. Last night she was saying "god, I really dont know how I would react if you met someone else". Just an example of her contradictory behaviour. I mentioned to her about going to see someone. Either both of us or her alone. But she is not interested whatsoever. I dont want to push anything. The problem is, when I leave Thursday - its for good. Her plan is that we bounce our son around between the two counties for the next nine months (her one month, me the next) until she moves there in June. Thats what I mean by drastic.

Hi all and thanks for the support and advice! Its all very confusing and I'm finding it difficult to move really. Tonight a girl I know called me up asking if I wanted to go out for a few beers with her and her friends. I said no. I'm of course not in the mood for "that" kind of get together now. Even though I didnt go my "wife" was really upset by it and said "well if you're able to move on that fast, we're definitely over and i'm glad its finished". This from the woman who told me two weeks ago it wouldnt bother her at all if I met someone else. Thats pretty much how we started to talk. Of course I WANT to fix things. I dont think there is much that isnt fixable. But I'm not willing to bang my head against a brick wall for nothing. She obviously just doesnt want to fix things. At least right now anyway. She seems to feel like that because she didnt really fall out fo love with me because of anything else other than things were bad and she took ten steps back, that sooner or later we'll be "back in that place". Thats all well and good if that is what we are aiming for, but I dont feel like that is where we are going. She gives very contradictory signals, words, actions etc. i think the only reason I am hesitating is because in some ways I do really understand her. Either way I was thinking about moving back to the UK for awhile because I just wasnt happy here with my situation (not my marriage). And I felt it was causing damage to our relationship. So I can see what she is saying. I just dont understand everything of her actions though. It seems really drastic and a lot of ways, I dont know if I fully trust what shes saying. She swears blind she is telling the truth. That if I'm patient then we'll be together again. But of course she cant promise anything. I just dont know if Im willing to sit around here "finished but married" and then one day she tells me she met someone else. And have to go through all this again. I'm just starting to feel like divorce is the only road for me. Because if we are still married then in my head, in some way, we are still together. Divorce feels like a safe guard for my emotions later if it all goes bad. i.e. her with someone else. She wants to talk again saturday night when our son is away for the night. Everyone I know is telling me not to file for divorce too quickly but to have the papers ready. I dont know. I feel like DN made a good comment: to file for divorce but realise I may want to cancel it before the 6 month seperation period is up. Its difficult. Because I do understand her and dont want to be able to be painted as "she had problems, he told her get lost". esp with children involved. Damn...this is the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life.

Well not much has happened but the divorce papers I ordered came today and I started to sort them out. My wife is still very much against the idea of a divorce. I demanded a reasonable answer to why and I asked her to give me ONE good reason why not? after all, she had told me shes no IN love with me anymore, if she stays with me anylonger she'll cheat on me and so on. I told her I saw no reason not go get one and in all sense and purpose its what i wanted. heres what she said: She FORCED herself out of love with me. That its a "survival instinct"/"self defense" because things got so bad in the last few months, that she feels o nervous and worried coming home incase theres an argument about something stupid or oncase we just start to scream unpleasant things at eachother. I said ok, but that was the whole reason I wanted to go to the Uk for awhile because I did NOT feel happy here. She says that she knows that, that she hasnt fallen out fo love with me from bordome, or wants someone else or whatever. and get this: Im the greatest person she ever met, I own her heart, she'll never feel the slighest of what she feels for me with another man, doesnt want another man, I'm the love of her life etc etc. I said I dont need any sympathy crap just plain honest talk. She says that is plain talk. so what to do? she says she needs time to get those feelings of nervousness away. I said we cant do that if we're apart, we need to work together for it. She says she cant do that right now. cant be with anyone. But no divorce. I leave for the UK with my son on Thursday. I dont know what to do. In SOME ways I understand her, but I dont understand that we have to "finish" this and still stay married. any advice??

I dont know what she wants, and thats being 100% honest. The only thing I know for certain is that she doesnt want to be together with me anymore. She seems to think that we could try again later. She loves me but isnt in love with me. The whole thing got to difficult for her she says, it went too wrong. I agree with her but I know that none of our problems werent fixable. We needed to spend more time together as a couple. Thats all it was. But she is not interested. I offered her time alone and all the usual. Now I'm just refusing to hug her, kiss her and whatever else. Theres just a line and now I have to think about me and how I will move forward. I cant move on with all the hugs and kissing and all that. It has to stop. Now shes pretty werid since all this started. Crying and so on. I'm not trying to punish her or be mean for the sake of it. But I need to do this. I cant have my head in that mess anymore. What should we do? keep going like some half couple until one day she meets someone else and then says we have to stop all that? Not going to happen for me.

Hopefully. I dont think she will. Right now, I'm too readily available for her. With or without me trying my hardest to stay out of her way. When I'm gone it should all start to calm down. Out of sight, out of mind I guess.

She calls me at our place. We still live together. My cell gets turned off when I go to bed. I asked her numerous times to go and live at her fathers place until we (me and my son) are gone to the UK. I told her in fact I demand she goes there. She wont. For ten idiotic reasons. She knows its not easy for me to have her around but seems indifferent to the whole thing. She says its because she wants to spend time with our son. Now, since he came back from his hoildays she's spent no more than 5 hours with him (hes back about 6 days).Shes either out meeting friends, studying at some coffee shop or at work (she works 3 hrs a night two nights a week). Today i said we could all go to the city and she could spend sometime with him. Nope. Shes gotta study. She didnt worry about her studies when she went out the other night.

Mostly i didnt answer when it rang, but I cant leave it all night incase its my job calling for me. she goes out 9pm, first call at 9.30, next at 11.30 (asking me to tell her to come home..go figure!), next at 1am, and then again and again until she comes home at 5. the phone rang about (and thgis is no lie) 30 times that night in those hours.

yeah I of course dont hate her but I dont appreciate having my emotions trampled all over. I dont know about missing me, we still live together for the next two weeks. I told her when shes out NOT to call me again. Since we finished shes been out about 7 times and each time shes called about 10 times in the night before coming home and saying the same things. She knows how it makes me feel.

You all know my messed up story about my wife who is really in limbo with us..the story just stays the same here. She went out last night and as usual calls me about 10 times in the night (yes, this is the woman who says she hates having to report to me). She starts to tell me how great I am, I'm the greatest person she ever met, that she cant be with anyone than me, that if I'm patient that we'll be back otgether, how much she cares for me and all that crap. I said nothing the whole time. Bu she calls and calls and when she gets home its the same thing. Why do they bother to do this? she wants this over and then says those things to me? I dont understand this. And still she wants no divorce and wont sign the papers. Its obviously just drunken BS that she comes out with everytime shes drinking... God, i start to hate this woman...

If you havent gotten closure then it maybe is taking you longer to move on? Being dumped like that you said is a hard thing to take, esp for the male ego.

I'm starting to develope something like that for my wife..err still cant get used to saying ex wife. It's only been two weeks really. I tired, tired, tired and all to no avail. If we didnt have a child together maybe I would have just let it all go sooner, I dont know. Or had she acted like she says she feels then maybe would have let go sooner. Its hard to walk away from someone you love without a fight or without at least trying to fix things. I think thats natural. Dont feel pathetic about it. Everyones done it. Everyones gotten dumped at some point and if not, then they will. And everyone acts the same way if you did truly love that person and want to be with them. At least you walk away knowning that you did try to make it right. About being angry. I think its natural to feel a little resentment! You were after all, dumped. You loved someone and they didnt return the feeling. Yu feel hurt and ignored. But it will pass away. Just start to focus on other things.

She says that I'm the one who wants the divorce - not her. I cant even guess whats happening in her head. I have the papers and they are filled out. Just need her signature which I'll get when she comes home from work. sadly, i tired everything - this is all thats left. I love her, I'm gonna miss her but theres no more road in front of us.

mate, I feel for you..really. You can read my story on here and you'll probably see a lot of similarities. I dont know what to tell you except hang in there. You're doing the right thing by not calling. Maybe tell her at two months you MUST sort it out - either way. You need an answer. You cant live in limbo.

Thats what I'm going to do. When she gets home I'm gonna listen to what she has o say. Its all pointless now but I want her to be HONEST, no lies, no tyring to "spare my feelings", no BS. Tell me EXCATLY whats going on. Either way, shes treated me like dirt the last few weeks and this is OVER.

I'm really not happy now. Like I said, shes out drinking again tonight after work. I todl her come home now and sort this out once and for all. You know what she says? "You're always telling me what to do!" I mean COME ON! I think coming home and sorting out your marriage is a little bit more serious than talking crap with your friends that you spent the whole week with! How the hell can you win? She said she'd come home "soon" and we can talk about it then! I'm honestly in disbelief that someone who married me, professed undying love to me, had a child with me, a person i gave up four years of my life so she could study is treating me like this! Its hard to even grasp. But she is. basically she doesnt want to be with me no because she doesnt feel like "that" for me. She says all the bad things have just takena toll on her and shes tired of it all. So she wants me to move back to the UK. We bounce our kid around until the summer until she can move there (yeah, right!). We stay married "legally" and in the mean time we see if maybe we can get back together! Can anyone believe this????????

well I was furious at how shes acting now. I todl her the divorce papers go tomorrow and then she said "yup, ok". After we hung up, i just got really upset and called her back. Well it seems I got it all backwards. We were not back together last night. She thought getting a divorce now was too much to think about and she would have asked for it later when she was ready to deal with it. us "taking things slow" was "we can try and see later if we get back together". I've had enough.

and shes out drinking again.... divorce papers go off tomorrow.

Personally, I'd let the other person (i.e. you) know that I'm here when things finish and for now its best not to take it too far. Better to concentrate on finalising your divorce before jumping into this. At least, thats how id feel if I were him and you told me you were going through a divorce

Could be just this "space" BS. Shes gone on about it since we met. Honestly spoken though, I thought she'd grown out of it. yesterday she commented on herself and how she feels like shes not herself. I've noticed shed gona little mental lately. hah. I dont know. I cant figure it out and I think constant questiooning is just making things worse. The problem is I already had plans to get back to the UK for a few weeks so my son could visit his grandparents and she starts some pretty serious studies on Aug 15th. We wont have any real chance to get away for awhile. Even if I think it could do us the world of good! When all this started a few weeks ago I made the suggestion that we go to Vienna or something for a few days to get away, she didnt seem too enthuastic. Her attitude is changed a bit since then so who knows. i will suggest it to her that the next oppturnity we get we go away for a few days together. I really cant understand whats going on. None of it makes any sense. If its someone else, like you say, she'd have gone already, or would have just spat it out when I was grilling her those days. She said some pretty mean and odd things so saying she was with someone else wasnt much of step. We were speaking on the phone when she was out the last time and obviously some guys were trying to chat her up. I heard her put her hand over the phone and i could still hear her saying she was talking to her husband. why nother say that if you want it all over. this whole thing is a mystery. Yes I'm willing to fix things but ONLY if she actually wants it and brings her 50% to the table. Otherwise its no point in it. I dont know what to think right now

Thats also my own feelings. Thats there is something she's just not telling me. For whatever reason. I dont think there is someone else. Of course there could very well be but I think by now, I would have found out in one way or another. I dont know what it is. If I do try and get something out of her all i get is "I dont know". over and over again.

Her reasons seem to be that sooner or later we're back together anyway. I said thats not good enough. Either you're in or you're out. Well she seems to be in. At least acting like that. What is actually going remains to be seen. I didnt want to really bring anything up for next few days. Let the dust settle and then have "a talk". I'm leaving for the UK soon with my son, she gets her space for a few weeks. Before I leave I need to know where she/we and I stand on all this. I'm really at a loss. The only real solid option I can see is to get a divorce now. Too many things were said and done that cant ever be erased.

well this morning I said it right out, not because anything really happened. I told her I wanted a divorce and could sort it out by the end of the week. She doesnt want that. Wants us to stay together. I dont understand what it is she really wants. In some ways I think that the whole thing was just a little too much for her to think about right now and in a few months down the line when she is a little more comfortable with the idea and has less other things to worry about, she'll be the one asking for the divorce. I'm out of this. All this has put so much doubt and confusion in my mind. Before all this I was pretty certain and secure in our relationship and with her. Now, I really dont know what to think. Dont know where this is going or how shes really feeling. Best to save myself a hell of a lot of trouble and get out now.

ask her to meet and have a chat..open and honest but without you putting any pressure on her. Guess thats a first step. Could always just push her away and have NC with her until she "figures out" what she wants...

phishgirl, you made a hell of a lot of sense in that post. Thanks for sharing what you think. As of yesterday I was and still am fully prepared for divorce. I simply cant take this anymore. Her reasons for not wanting a divorce seem to be some serious doubts about what she wants in the future as regards me. The fact is in the end SHE wanted us to get married. Even after a million talks and "is this what you want without any doubts?". I talked with one of her best friends yesterday and she told me that when they're out the first or second sentence out of my "wife" to someone she starts to talk to is "I'm married and I have a baby!" they say how proud she is of it. I really dont know what to make of it all. Yes, we have problems in our relationship. And they are all fixable, but they wont be fixable if she is just dragging her heals. Guess that remains to be seen. But I dont know how long I can take it. I was never ever suspicious or cling or insecure about us. In fact, I never even thought about her cheating on me or lying to me. I just knew that would never happen. Now I'm maybe a little less sure of her and us. Afdter all this. She could always go where she wanted, do what she wanted, hang out with who she wanted. I never batted an eyelid. She has male friends, it doesnt bother me. I always think that if someone will cheat on you, they're gonna cheat. There is nothing you can do to stop them, so why bother giving yourself a headache over it. Well its got nothing to do with our son i think. She comes from a "broken" family and infact I think all of the people she knows and hangs out with come from "broken families". Its doubt in herself. When I mentioned divorce she went white. She couldnt even think about it. well, yeah hah, I love my family. Having another child is something I wouldnt mind buts not a must for me. But besides that, I know sooner or later she will want another child. She always talked about having two children. Its only really a detail for me. At least now. We've all been through hell in our lives with stress and a damn lot of worry so all I really want is for that to end for us. which it isnt too far off doing. I know all this sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm not. I dont intend to stay in this for long if shes just not giving back to it all. She gets her "space" anyway since we will go the UK for awhile. But one things for sure, if this is over its OVER. Divorce. I wont hesitate for one second with that. For me its all or nothing, we're either together in this marriage or we're not. Theres no one foot in and one out. DN, I've asked her what she means and it seems like she wants to take it to the stage of "bf/gf" again by going out and doing things. Thats a reasonable request considering thats what I already suggested we do to fix the problems with our relationship, spend more time together. I'll just be interested to see how things are for the next few days. If she is backing off a lot, acting akward and forced then thats it. I cant take it.