confusedashell

hehe I was being sacrastic about the shotgun. Like she is just giving me a headache now. Honestly, I dont want her back. Thats all done for me. We're over. Its going to be tough for me to get through it, move past it and go home. And I dont think she will really want to get back together. I think she went back to an empty apartment and even though she thought (actually DEMANDED) that she wanted time alone, she feels lonely and strange. She doesnt know what she wants. But I know what I want. When she asked what i was doing, I said I was chatting on MSN. Shes asking "who?? who are you talking to??" I said, "Really, what does that matter?". She seemed a little taken back by it. hah. I'm not trying to punish her for this, but I just wanther to see I'm no doormat for her. She's feeling down now and wants someone to talk to. I Listened to her and told her that shed be fine so just get your head together and focus on what you have to do. I think she was surprised I didnt ask her about us or say"I love you" when i hung up. I just said "talk to you later..bye". When shes comes tomorrow I'm just gonna almost ignore her. I'll talk to her about mundane crap, just do my own thing otherwise. This is finished. It took me a week of dealing with all this to get to the point I'm at now with it all. I'm not going backwards

honestly, I dont get any of this. Yes you may still love the person who left you, but well thats just it THEY LEFT YOU. THEY DUMPED YOU. Either they wanted to go and see if they could do better, wasnt interested in you any longer or whatever, they DUMPED you. No matter what my wife does now, I wouldnt EVER take her back. She made her bed now with her coldness and bad attitdude. And as it stands from tonight, i wouldnt be surprised if she wants to get back together. Thats just NOT happening. Because I know that sooner or later I'll be sitting here at this computer typing the same crap that I have been for the last few days. I'm not putting myself through all that again. No way in hell. Child or no child.

My mother is an alcholic. For YEARS we've been trying to make her sort herself out. She destroyed the whole household with her drinking. There are three types of drunks: 1. The happy go lucky type who is the life and soul of the party. 2. The guy who falls asleep 3. The person who turns into a paranoid, vicious, evil MONSTER. My mother is nr. 3. When shed start drinking, which was usually every two or three days, it'd be HELL. You'd get abuse for NOTHING. All my life growing up she put us down, blamed us for everything, screamed, screamed, screamed. broke things. It was HELL. I hated every minute of it. Any time I did get the courage to tell her to get herself together and get some PROFESSIONAL HELP shed tell me that I was making it all up and that she hadnt drunk in ages. Shed hide her bottles, when i found them shed claim they were there since last xmas. yeah, right. She would rive us back from school drunk as hell. Now, I come from a very respectable family. My father is a very successful business man and my family are wealthy. No no "sterotypes". But she was out of control. To this day she is still like that and doesnt understand why my father left her after almost 25 years of marriage. He just couldnt put up with the constant abuse, screaming, nagging, blame. He just left. I dont blame him and when my mother calls me crying, i really cant comfort her. Because I feel like saying "blame yourself". They dont listen to talk. Only to action.

women are insane. esp women who have children early. they get two mid life crisis. one before they reach 30 and another at 40. Who wants to deal with that kind of emotional torture?

shes gone totally loppy. Four calls in less than an hour. crying. not saying really anything. I didnt mention us once. was all postive, happy, normal. Didnt ask about us or what she thought about us. Told her I was looking forward to going home and getting myself together finally.

shes lost it. she called me up twice tonight. both times she seems depressed. i said are you ok? seem like youre gonna start crying. she said yeah im ok, so confused though. says she needs to come back and wash tomorrow..theres a washing machine where you're at missy. stay at your fathers. why? coz i think its best. I'm looking at tickets home now. ok. i call tomorrow and come by later. why didnt you go out? didnt feel like it. im not feeling good. someone pass the shotgun.

Ok, I can TOTALLY relate to your husband! Not on the email part but the part about being nervous and feeling like hes got no security. So dont worry about that. Hes in a new country and feels like you're holding all the cards in some way. Thats not a nice feeling for any man. I was constantly worried about what would happen if my wife did that. I'd have been screwed. Well ok, he did a stupid thing. Something he should show you how sorry he is about but I dont think theres nothing that cant be resolved. But you need to show him that you wont use anything as an excuse to send him packing into a place he has no friends, family or security in. TALK TALK TALK. Dont shout, dont scream, TALK..calmy. Tell him how that hurt, tell him you cant take that. Hes either with you or not. And take it from there

You're totally right about all this! I honestly half expected her to walk in the door tonight and apologise for being such an idiot and wanting to talk about our son, but nope. Not surprised but just starting to wake up to how she sees all this now. I honestly hardly recognise the person she is now. She just doesnt want to deal with all this now obviously and well that shows me shes got NO respect for me. You know she called me today and was like "i dont want to hurt you, after our son, you're the person I care most for in the world..I didn think I could care for anyone more than my little brother, but with you I do". If she cares about me that much and is acting like this, I feel sorry for her brother. Even if she does happen to think toherself later "damn, that was stupid", she would never ever own up to it or admit it. She is too stubborn and in all honesty shes too self involved to ever see it like that. I'm the bad guy in all this. Thats how she sees it or how she wants to see it. Nothing will change that.

Thanks for all your words! Its indeed a great help!! I dont want to make her sound like an alcholic, shes not. But she loves to go out and have fun at nightclubs and stuff. For the last seven years I've known her, shes only been like this for less than a year! I dont have a clue what it is. She was always the "wine, nice food and video" person. Yeah we liked to go out but we both thought that it was more fun to go out get drunk once a month or every two months, its more enjoyable. Now, this month shes been out getting drunk and spending a heep of cash five times. She goes out early "for a coffee" and comes back 5/6am drunk as hell. I guess shes just seeing this as a way of making up for those years when her mates were out and she was at home with a young baby and a husband.Not that we ever stopped her going out, but she didnt want to. A month ago we went out together for the first time in ages. She told me shed rather go out with me than ANYONE else, inc her best friend and brother because I'm so much fun to be out with. Who knows what the hell she is talking about! Honestly, shes totally paranoid about me! Ok I was angry and down for months, demoralised thinking my future was bleek, but the last four weeks, she even said herself, I was coming out of it. But now shes saying that I make her feel really bad, make her stressed, shes nervous around me. Shes always asking if I'm angry with her, for no reason whatsoever! That she has to do everything around the apartment and with our son. Thats totally untrue! I cleaned this place top to bottom when she was gone so she could come home to a nice clean place and not feel any stress. I know shes easily stressed, I tired everything. I got a load of candles, buddle bath and made her a nice hot bath when she got home and told her to get in it while I made her some supper..you know what she said: "too little too late, you're pressuring me to stay with you, I'm going to my fathers". Well ok. I'll jusst let the water out then. jissus... I dont want her back now. Thats the truth. It'll be hard to get over her. I loved her and still love her. But shes treated me with ZERO respect and shown NO dedication to our marriage. Its like going out is just a way for her to avoid the consquences of what she has done by ending our marriage. She doesnt want to have to deal with them. What we will do with our son, how she will cope alone with him, her studies, her part time job... Its like for the last month, I cant do anything right. If me and my son come into her when shes sleeping to cuddle her and be around her and be whatever, she says why cant you let me sleep!! Iäm so tired!! You make me so tired and stressed!! Shes just blaming me for everything thats wrong. Yes, I've been a jerk, yes I've been short tempered, but she should understand that! The very mention of her moving to the Uk sends shivers up her spine and she freaks out that her life will be over. Hey! you speak fluent english! You have a second language! Your studies are numbers.. 2 is still two in english as it is in swedish. The idea of moving scares her to death and she cant seem to understand how I feel being here for 4 years and in as black a situiation as the day I came here..but that just stresses her if I mention it. She doesnt want to be with me because I worry about the future too much. No, your sbolsutly right. I'm not going to even mention her and me anymore. Its not even on the table now. And she can forget about us getting back later too. I want to move on to the next part of my life. I'm sure that she will find someone else. Shes probably going to end up sleeping with someone tonight. And I'm sure that for a long long time she'll always see me as someone who mentally abused her, kept her down, stressed her, held her back, was angry with her all the time. So be it. I just KNOW that when it comes to the day that she FINALLY wants to sit down and talk about what to do with our son, that it'll all get ugly as hell. No matter how reasonable I try to be. She wants her cake and eat it too. She wants to have the family thing somewhere in the bg but she wants to live life as a 23 year old too.

I dont know. I dont want to be hard on her. She is a great person, I wouldnt have loved her that much or given that much to her if she wasnt. Its just lately shes had some kind of personality change. Maybe just relaised that this wasnt the life she wanted, felt getting old too fast, felt like her life was too hard and didnt have to be, that our relationship was too hard and didnt have to be. I dont know. But i think what counts is not always what happens in a relationship but what you do when the problems start. How do you deal with it! Thats what makes marriages work and fail.

mate, my honest advice: save your self a lot of torment, worry and heartache and dont start to think of her like that anymore. Liek she said, if its meant to be - it will be. My wife (as of today ex wife) said the same thing to me this morning. And like you, I said - what a load of crap. If its meant to be - it IS. Later on who knows, then great. but for now put that thought out of your head and move on.

I think if I called her brother it would just make matters worse. She use that to say I'm pressuring her. I'm just going to leave it all alone. Do what she wants, but she cant expect me to be reasonable when she wants to sit down and talk or needs a favour.

You hit a lot of nails on their heads there! as to your questions: She is 27, the same age as me. Until now, I thought she was a mature person. Acted her age, put things in priority but recently its gone insane. The big argument we had when all this started was that she wanted to go out to drink on a thursday night. I said "no way!" because she had to bring our son to kindergarten the next day and I had to work early so i couldnt. She went MENTAL. Screaming at me that I stop her from things and thats why she doesnt love me. I pointed out that the excate same day previously we had had this discussion too and she said she would go out for a coffee after work. I said fine but remember you have to get up with our son the next day. She got angry again and said I shouldnt tell her what to do. So low and behold, she comes staggering in at 5am drunk as hell, tried to have sex with me, I stop her (asleep and irritated). The next day I go to pick my son up from school and the woman says that he didnt get there until 12pm! hes suppossed to be there at 9! Ok, this makes her sound terrible and shes not, she doesnt do this a lot, but its just how things ahve went pear shaped with her the last while. As far as I know, she only ever really had one. Shes had a lot of boyfriends and shes was sexual active from an early age I think. I always thought that she was in this for the long run, despite her sometimes uptightness at "having her life planned out..kids, marriage". No, not at all. Her father was screwing around on the mother very early on with a lot of women. Eventually her mother had enough of it and left him. This was when she was 6 years old. Her parents still cant even be in the same room as eachother. Not even for xmas. Right now her father lives with a woman he works with and her mother has been having some relationship with a guy thats marriaed with kids and lives in another city. They have weekends away etc when he works. No, she hasnt lived on her own. Thats her bniggest gripe now I think. Shes always mentioned that she regreated she didnt have that. I figured sooner or later it would come along, or actually I just felt like she'd grown out of that. Apparently not. It just seems all too convienant this "love you but not IN love with you" excuse. A month ago we were planning on buying a new apartment. My father even came all the way from the UK to help us fix this place up. She didnt seem anything out of place.

Our son is four years old. And right now he is at his grandmothers summer place for some small vacation. My ex was there for 6 days with him and he stays there until monday. I never EVER stopped her going out or doing anything. She was ALWAYS free do whatever she wanted and go wherever she wanted. She says she felt like she had to report to me. If I asked her how her night went, she had to report to me. Thats been lately. I started wondering if there was someone else and said tell me the truth, is there someone else or are you interested. She swears BLIND and on our her sons life that there isnt and this has nothing to do with another person. Well none of her friends have any kids or any real relationships so maybe thats some influence. She doesnt have too many friends, mainly hangs out with her younger brother and one other friend.

She in all honesty doesnt seem like this is a trying situation for her at all. She's acting like alls perfectly normal. I know her better than anyone and I can tell if something is not as it should be and she seems PERFECTLY normal. In fact she seems like she has gone to the age of 23 all over again. trips away with mates, going out spending all her money drinking, nightclubs...all that. If shes not here I cant talk to her about our son, I suggested she stay at her fathers until she wants to come and talk about what we should do. She said "I'll call you tomorrow". Im a complete mix of ANGER, saddness and worry! Shes out having a good time.

You know, the woman she has become the last few weeks is TOTALLY different to the woman I knew and loved. She even remarked herself a few weeks ago how werid she has become by going out drinking four times in the last month. I know people change, but she has almost taken a total 180. And now this crap with the going out while all this is going on! Its unbelievavle that someone can act like that! she must really not give a damn about ANY of this. When I bring it up about our son she just says one thing "I cant lose my son". I am being UTTERLY reasonable about this. I want him to have BOTH of us in his life as much as can possibly happen. i want us to sit down together for the next week and TALK about this and come to some arrangement that is good for ALL three of us. But shes just wanting to go out. She needs to "relax" and have "no stress", everyone, including me and her mother is "stressing" her. I dont know what the HELL happened to this woman lately. I see glimpses of the woman I knew, but her personality and attitude has gone from a caring, warm person to someone concerned ONLY with her best interests. When it comes to a situation like this, if its going to be done right then she needs to get over that. She was always honest and upfront with me, now I'm not so sure at all. I almost cant believe whats going on. And thinking about the future of her and me is so damn difficult to see how it will be ok. I want us to be civil but its going to be tough. I just CANT see her as just another woman, or a friend. I love her. And we will be in eachothers faces for the rest of our lives.

I asked her today to cancel meeting her friends and talk about this with me, what we will do. She said that its excatly this why she doesnt want to be with me anymore, because I stress her. Go figure! I said it in the calmest and most polite way I could. This is something that will take a LOT of thinking about and we're leaving in a week and she hasnt even thought about it. Like its not going to happen or something.

Thanks for the support! Well I wouldnt want it to go to that level of seriousness. I just wish she'd leave the partying alone for a few nights and sit down with me to figure out what we're going to do. About our son. Not "us". I'm kind of stuck in limbo here and she doesnt appear to be giving it a second thought. I just hope she can be reasonable about all this, but I have this BAD feeling that she wont. She will maybe be reasonable for a little bit but when the day comes I will be bringing my son to the UK for awhile, she'll start to freak out. There isnt going to be a simple solution to this. One of us will HAVE to move and I think it should be her.

mate, its a woman. who knows what they want. My wife said something similar to me, that theres a very big chance we'll end up together in the future. but that i shouldnt wait around. in my head its a nice way of saying, "good to know you're there if I'm feeling lonely". I'd tell her you are there now, you want a relationship. and just ask her right out.

She is definetly afraid of having her life planned out. She says she gets so much stress from me because I am worried about the future so much and cant take it one day at a time. In the situation I am in, I cant help but me worried about the future. She doesnt understand the commitment she made. I said to her that we owe it to us and our son to try everything to solve this. She said I dont have to stay with you if I dont want to. ok, I said thats fine. But why are you jacking all this in? Because I dont want to do this anymore, I dont want a relationship, I want to live on my own, do my own things, not worry about anyone else. Focus on myself and my studies and my son. Its too late to fix anything, all this the last while has just killed off the love I had for you, those feelings are gone. I'm not interested to try and fix it. about the counseling. She wouldnt go near it with a ten foot pole. I know that if I even brought it up, shed laugh. I dont think this all bothers her very much. Shes gone out now. Gone to meet her mates and will probably go out and drink the rest of her money tonight. Sorting out this is the last thing on her mind. She says maybe later, somewhere down the road who knows. Yeah, right. I'll hang around for you. heh. Its just aggrivating that she wont sit down with me and talk about what to do with our son. Thats driving me insane. Like she doesnt think there is anything to talk about.

No way was I possessive! Although she must feel like I or our relationship was stopping her from doing things. The night she dropped all this on me she said odd things like "I want to be able to go on a last minute trip with my friend but I cant". Insinuating that I was the reason she couldnt go. I told her its not me thats stopping you, its the money! I always hated that, that we couldnt just go away if we wanted to because money was tight. Well the reason seems to be a mixture of a lot of things, studies are parts of it, reporting parts and the fact that I suffered depression for awhile and was very irritatable and angry and stressed. She says that I made her feel so bad and so nervous to come home. That in the end it got too much and killed off the love she had for me. I told her I needed help! Im not using it as an excuse, but thats the way it was. the last four odd weeks I've been getting on top of things and things have been getting a hell of a lot better, but she said its just too late for all that. so what can i do. nothing. just move on. I never cheated on her and the opnly abuse that came was from both of us maybe throwing something when we were angry. I did give her a black eye one night when I was asleep and elbowed her in the face. didnt even realise it. she mentioned that once or twice. about her studies: I gave up a very well paid job, newly bought house, car everything to move here from the UK to help her get her studies. I worked dead end jobs morning and night with unpredicatable pays for her to get her studies. all this for the last four years. In the end I felt so demoralised, liek I had no future, that I was going down the drain fast, that sooner or later she would walk away and Id be screwed living here 8all the time saying I was paranoid and that wasnt going to happen).

I think that certainly played apart of my ex's decision. Even nw she still asks me if we didnt have a son would I fight this hard. Like she doesnt feel like I truly love her. Yes, things got stale, yes we had problems, yes the spark was gone. We've been together 6 years! We have a tough situation. I just feel like the second things got a little too much she bailed. She said this morning that she douts she could ever keep a relationship going. She blamed her father. Thats a cope out to me. We all make our choices. Its how we handle the problems. She always sued to tell me how much it freaked her out that we've been together so long and that we have a child, that it all made her feel like I life was already planned out for her. Gimme a break!

well thats just it. She didnt fight. She just saw that she wants out and has other priorities. Even now, she refuses to sit down and TALK about what to do with our son. I said to her this morning that today we have to sit down and figure out what to do about him. She just starts freaking out saying I'm stressing her and putting pressure on her!?! I just want to start to sort this out so it can be resolved asap. She hasnt even thought about what she wants to do with him. She even planned to go on a trip with her mate this weekend! this isnt happening now because she spent all her money already. My son comes back monday, I want to leave on wednesday or thursday. She said she'll call me tonight and we can meet on thursday to talk. She is staying at her fathers place now because I stress her!haha..its almost comical. I havent said jack to her.

Thanks for all the support mate! Really appreciate it all! I have actually just started to accept that this is over. Its difficult to accept it though, but I am starting to. The most difficult part is just knowing we wont be a family again, the three of us, sharing our sons life together in the one house. Thats really gut wrenching. I feel so bad for him too, away, enjoying himself and down here his family is finished. I know he wont fully understand what is going on but he will soon enough when mommy and daddy are no longer together. I honestly think that the divorce is just no big deal to her. That it is just a piece of paper to her now. I told her I dont understand how you can jack all this in because a few problems and that we neglected our relationship. All that can be fixed. If you loved me for all this time, through some rough things, then thats still there somewhere and our neglect has just buried it. But i truly think it can be fixed. If she WANTS it to. But she doesnt. Knowing how difficult all this is going to be with our son I made a suggestion that me and my son go to the UK for a few weeks when he gets back and then we come back here and her and me work on this, I mean really do try to fix it all. We all go back to the Uk by xmas and if things are still the same, then we just leave it at that. We tired. She said she needed to think about it. I said, ok dont bother. If your heart isnt in it, theres no point. She said she wont regret this. She feels its the best thing for her. She wants to focus on a career and her studies. And well most importantly, that she doesnt just feel like "that" for me anymore. That everything went on for too long and now its too late to fix. I cant argue with that anymore. If thats the way she feels, then its sad, but ok. Its gonna be tough though. I do still love her and we will have to see eachother a lot and have a lot of contact. Dont know this will work.

sounds a lot like my situation. I dont know what to say to you except what i said to my wife: if you truly, I am truly, not that your confused, dont know, have too many issues or whatever, but if you truly dont love me are not IN love with me, then end this now. She did. Ene dof story. As much as I wish it wasnt happening, I can only accept it and walk away knowing that sooner or later I'll meet someone who does give me what I need and she can have what she needs with someone else.