confusedashell

Hey all! Thanks for the replies! Well, I totally trying to just move on from it and just fix it all. The problem was that her finishing it like that and me having to move back to the UK meant that I lost my job in Sweden. Now, my old job in the UK has been offered to me and I'm just nervous about my own future. Regardless of if I was doing something like washing dishes before in Sweden, I would have had no problem since my family was (and still is!) my first priority and I had so mucg faith in my wife and our relationship. But now, I'm at this cross roads: do I give up the chance of financial security to relocate AGAIN and have to find a new job and hope that she wont go through this again. Before she didnt even give me a chance to find a place to live. S thats my perdicament. When I told her that my job was offered to me again and I'd need to know by end of January if I wanted it her responce was: "well, you're not going to take it are you? you're coming home"...She is really trying to show me that she loves me, broke up with me because I hurt her and neglected her and us so much and showing me that all will be perfect now if we want it. Well she isnt a drunk but she likes to go out and have drinks and dance with her friends. Honestly, before I really liked that she did this. I personally think that if a long term relationship is going to work both people need something that is just theirs and doesnt have much involvement from their partner. I mean something that they can do. I have my music and she has going out. I'm not a very socialable person. I dont really like to go out very often, I much prefer watching movies, eating good food at home, playing on the PC. We both are happy with eachothers pesonalities I think. Yes! I've been looking at a couple of rings! A work mate recently got engaged and he spent roughly what I was thinking so I feel much better about that. In fact I think my wife would kill me for spending a fortune on a ring we'd much prefer a nice hoilday together. We are off for a long weekend just after Christmas together, minus the child Looking forward to that!

Ok well, most of you know, my wife and I resolved our differences for the most part. Until she walked out, I really trusted her more than anyone in the world. We'd been through a hell of a lot together and I really felt secure in our relationship and in us making plans for a common future (house, family etc), but when she walked out, that was all destroyed. No matter how much I do understand her reasons and in some ways, think it could be the best thing we did, its still given our relationship a big blow. From my side anyway. I have not returned to live with her yet (tieing up the lose ends from the death of my mother), but we talk on the phone a couple of times a day, I tell her my reservations and she tells me not to be so negative and that it will all be fine and "we'll be together for the rest of our lives if want it". It still doesnt help. I was never a person who thought the worst each time their SO went out or whatever, but its almost like whenever I'm not talking to ger, and even when I am, I think she is up to something: either met someone or at least has cheated. She of course says I'm being silly and that nothing even remotely like that has even crossed her mind. I am very very concerned that I'll go "ok, lets put everything we have into this and fix it all" and put my heart and soul into it and she'll walk out again. I just dont know. She is a very good looking woman and I know she gets a lot of attention from men, but since she ended it, my self confidence and taken a bashing. She even tells me how many many ask her out and tell her to finish with me. Ok,s he does this when shes been out and is pretty drunk, but it still kind of hurts. I appreciate her honesty in some ways, that she tells me a guy asked her out and she immeditaly replies that she is married and has children (her brother told me she does this, as she told me too), but I just get the feeling her head has grown 20 fold since I havent been there and shes has no child to look after and just been going out on the town. When I bring it up she says its nothing and I dont have to worry about any man, that I'm the only one she sees. Normally, I wouldnt give a crap how many guys asked her out but with all thats happened...well, it makes me feel bad. Guess I'm just feeling a little vunerable now... sorry..hehe..needed to vent!

Its not always the case that the relationship is doomed when one party says "I dont know anymore". It really is a very individual thing and totally depends on the situation (life situation) the two are in together and individually. My wife said those words to me. I took it that it was all over. We had a very hard time in our lives, a lot of stress and so on for almost two years running, I was depressed, we fought, didnt spend any time together ad eventually pretty much forgot why the hell we were even together. Shed had enough of it all and while I totally disagreed and still disgree with how she handled the whole thing, I did understand what she was trying to say. Well I fought for a month for her and finally just said: "if thats what you want, then ok..." and left it. Well after she got a little room and realised that our problems werent just with us but with a lot of other things, she came running back and we both agreed (after a LOT of talk) on what our problems were and that they could be fixed and most importantly we wanted to fix them. Now all is moving in the right direction - despite there been some reservation and suspcion on my behalf. So, TALK TALK TALK...as HONESTLYas you can...

Thanks all! Honestly, this forum REALLY is invaluable! The advice and support! Breaking up isnt easy, regardless of the circumstance. Breaking up a marriage where kids are involved is even harder. Hard to know, what to do, what not to do when so much depends on it. But this place really helped me open my eyes so thanks a lot to all you guy!! My next question is this though: When got married we were quit young and I couldnt afford such a nice engagement ring. The thing is, for the last couple of years, I really REALLY wanted to buy her a new one. something nicer. The one she has is horrible and VERY cheap. I just want her to know how serious I am about this and now that we both are not students living on pennies anymore, I'd like to get a nice ring. I'm wondering though (since money is still an issue), what is a "normal" price of an engagement ring???

Hi All! Well I really thought I should update people on whats been happening with me and my wife lately. If you dont know my story then a QUICK summary is that we were married for 5 years and things were bad but not TERRIBLE for the last year. In July she ended the reationship and demanded I move out. Which I did. She gave me mixed signals for a couple of months. She she was confused and didnt know what she wanted. I tired and tired for about 6 weeks and then she flew to me in the UK and wanted us to fix it all. I said I'd need to think about it and see how things were, I needed to know this is REALLY what she wants and its not just that she got "used to me" and doesnt want to be alone. Well, that was four weeks ago and a couple of days ago I went to sweden to bring our son back after his two month stay in the UK. The difference in my wifes attituides to everything: life, us, herself took a massive change from the person she was since July. She says she wants nothing less than us back together and fixing our marriage. That she could never ever love another man the way she loves me and so on. When I demanded an explanation to her past behaviour she told me that it all just got too much: the arguments, the no talking, and so on. I agreed with her totally, but I said we could have solved it in a much more painless way. She apologised over and over. She was acting like she always did. Which was of course great! Anyway we talked a lot for the five days I stayed in sweden. We agreed that this can work, theres no reason it shouldnt work. But we set some "rules" up that we must follow. Mainly just trying not to repeat the mistakes we made before. We HAVE to mke time for US. No matter what else is happening, we need time as a couple, minus our friends, minus our jobs and studies. We need time where her and me go out for dinner, walk..time to talk to eachother. Not about husehold things or our son, but just about well meaningless pointless crap just talking. We need to spend more time together was the root of it all. We need to talk to eachother a lot more. Need to sort out problems BEFORE they start to do any damage. We need to give eachther more attention than before. Putting aside other things that just seem to drag us in (i.e. study & work). We need to do more things as a FAMILY too. Go out all three of us, especially in the summer months (winter is far too cold!hehe), we need to just make time for the family and the relationship. if we make a plan to do something, then we do it. Nothing should get in the way of that. We figure that a marriage/long term relationship takes three things to make it work: Love, trust and lust. The love and lust is there with us, the trust is a little fragile now after everything. Both of us need to work to fix that up again, where we can feel secure with the relationship and eachother. I am going to go back in a couple of weeks and we will just move on from all this. Its looking good at the moment but I'm not as "innocent" to this as I was before. Watching out for the pitfalls. Thanks again all! I'll come back again soon and let you all know whow its going!

No, seems to have calmed down on that a lot. I dont want to sound like the kind of guy who doesnt let his wife do anything or gets upset when she goes out. Dont get me wrong! i think its GREAT she goes out and does things on her own! I want her to have something that is HERS. Something that we do separately. I have music and she has dancing. She likes to do that. But it was the amount of times. every single weekend, at least once a week, usually twice that just annoyed me. She wasnt like that before and then all of a sudden it was all this and I was expected to look after out son alone. If I brought it up she accused me of controlling her. Up til May of this year she studied so hard that I was almost pushing her out the door when she got hoildays to go and relax with her mates. I really thought she needed to blow off the steam of working part time, studying a hell of a lot and looking after our son and then dealing so much with me and my depression. I was telling her to go and do things on her own with her mates to just take her mind of everything. But it all just got out of control. Seems calmer now. At least, other things are priority it seems. Will see what happens. I mean, by all means: go out, have fun! But just dont have it as the top priority where it means my son and I suffer for it.

Forgot about this thread Thanks for the words on my mother! That definetly put a lot in perspective when it happened. Just felt like everything was crumbling that time. My marriage was on the rocks, my mother was dying...nightmare! Well no, she didnt say excatly why she changed her mind so fast. and thats what has me a little cautious too. She just said that everything got too much and that she just needed some space. She said (her words; not mind) that she went a little insane on some level. That she just needed the space and too see me again. She said she told me she didnt love me but that she was really confused about it all and just didnt want to say (she did later admit that she just didnt know how she felt - before she came). Yeah I think the cautious approach is the best now. I think I'm in a stronger position than I was. Before this I actually didnt ever think we would finish or that she would fall out of love with me, but now after all this, I guess I've kind of taken 20 steps back from the whole relationship. Which I think, at least for now, is a good thing. She says she'll show me how much she wants this and how much I mean to her and do everything to convince me to stay. But we'll see. I really do hope she does. And I really hope that she can see I've changed from that depression! I really do want this to work out and be good. I think it can and that we can have a great relationship. One of her friends told me that my wife said to her recently that she could never be interested in another man other than me. Now, she didnt say this to me, she used to say it, but not for a couple of months. Hope its true. I dont expect that she never sees men that are attractive. I mean shes not dead! But...i dont even know where I'm going with this Tiredman: Yeah, I'm happy. of course. But a little suspicious too. Guess theres hope for anyone So hang in there mate. The time away from one another does really help. If you dont see them and they dont see you. A call a week to let them know youre still there. the odd bunch of flowers or something. That helps. Its not too forward. I supposse every situation and people are different, but that all seemed to help us.

Hi all! Haven't been able to get to a computer much the last couple of months so thought I'd let you all know whats been happening with me and my "wife". I told myself after we'd finished that I would try to fix things until the first time she came to the UK to visit our son. It was a mixed bag of emotions for that month. Yelling, screaming (at me!) and then days which seemed odd and she'd tell me things like she only ever wants me to no one. Still, in all this she kept up saying she was confused and just didnt know what she felt or even if she wanted to feel anything for me. After five weeks she came here and it was akward to say the least. I didnt want to try anymore. Just let it run its course. The first evening was just plain akward. But that night she was just staring at me and I asked if there was something on her mind and she said she still had feelings for me and wanted to work this out. I wasn't all that surprised but some of the things she said and her general attitdude to me the past two months make it damn hard for me to jump into this 100% and have the trust I had before. We talked awhile and said ok we should fix this. Don't get me wrong here: this was more my fault that hers. I take responsibility for a lot of what happened but that doesnt excuse her words and actions either. The things she said and how she treated me the eight weeks after she ended it really hurt and really destroyed a lot of my confidence. She went on to explain that things just got too much, she felt liek she was suffocating with all the fights, my depression, money problems, stress etc. I told her I understood but that it could have been handled in a much better way. She apolgised and told me she loves me and just wants to fix it all. She has been a little off though the last few weeks. There but not totally there I feel. Maybe she is and I'm just on 200% guard now and I'm reading too much into things. I dont know. Guess I'll have to see what happens. My son is going back to sweden next week and I'll spend a week there. Will see how it goes. My wife wants me to come home but I todl her I wasnt sure and just needed to stay away for awhile and get my head together. So I told her I'd return in late december. I've just got a million issues with her now. Before I trusted her 200% and I felt really secure in our relationship (maybe thats not always a good thing - to feel TOO secure), but now, itsall gone. I do trust her but just not like before. It's going to take time. I'm making up for my mistakes and she has to make up for hers. Will see what the next couple of weeks bring. Talk to you all soon!

Thanks a lot for the support mate! All you lot! Its great to have a place like this! Right now, I'm real cautious and in a way so is she I think. We are moving to fix this slowly enough, not rushing into it all, just sort out all our problems andget this relationship back on track. So far so good. But I'm not 100% convinced yet..a lot of the security I felt in the relationship is gone. So she'll have to work to get that back and I'l have to prove somethings to her. Guess theres hope for any relatinship aslong as you're both breathing!hehe

Hello all Well its been awhile and a lot has happened. My mother died recently so I have not been much in the mood for anything but that. Anyway, a few days after my last post my wife flew down and pretty much begged me to come back. We talked a lot and I told her I really wasnt sure about anything. Too much had been said and done and that I didnt know if I could ever really be comfortable in a relationship with her again. She explained to me that it all got too much in the end, the fights, the not talking, no time together. I agree with her. it did. But I didnt think it should have been handled in that way. Some of the things she said, hurt. Real bad. anyway to cut a long story short we will work on things. I told her I needed that we live seperatly for a few months. We need to spend a lot of time together and we need to talk about things before they get too out of hand. We both still love one another, both want this to work so lets see what happens... will come back soon enough with something more indept!

I dont ignore evryones advice. We talk pretty seldom these last two odd weeks now. Now even less since I have moved to a place with no phone for awhile. The problem is that I am the only one of us thinking about our son and while I am trying to not cause any ripples its hard to keep my cool. I do NOT want this to end up where we cannot even talk to one another without a fight. I see her parents and my own, who cannot even be in the same room as one another even after 20 years of seperation. I dont need that kind of BS in my life. Its difficult to let go. Especially when I do love her and in some odd way feel like I owe her something for what she put up with. That being said, my patience is wearing thin. Its hard to let go too when she asks things like "maybe we should all take a hoilday to Spain after christmas?". I already declined the offer but its hard. One side of me thinks this will all work out ok in the end, the other side (logic and reason) tells me I'm in for more pain and headaches with this woman and to just walk away. Her plan for our son is that we have him two months each until xmas and then make another plan. Theres no reasoning with her. I tried and I tried but she becomes hysterical over the phone and refuses to talk. Goes into a mental frenzy that she will quit her studies because she cant handle all this. Starts to point fingers at me. Even though I thought I had a reasonable solution to everything. I told her I could move back tosweden for the next 9 months, we find two smaller apartments for the both of us and then my son had his friends, his kindergarten and both parents around. After the summer we both move to the UK. But no. She cannot do that. She says she would go insane with me around up there and couldnt handle our son now either because she has too much studies to do. So she wants to keep him here in the UK until November and then take him to Sweden until XMAS. Then we make a new plan. She doesnt seem to understand that I cannot move back and forth everytime she has some bright idea. and when I try to tell her this she goes insane. She also wants to stay in sweden for good, but doesnt seem to realise that by doing things her way, shes most definetly moving for the long term. Of course I'll have to deal with all this later but now I'm saying NOTHING. We do everything her way and later she can deal with the results. I tried to discuss and talk. When i do she screams that "we" made a decision and we have to stickto it. I made no decisions. Shes making them and going insane if I say it wont work. Says Im trying to mess up her studies and so on. Now she wants to come here in two weeks for five days to visit our son and guess who has to pay for that! Moi.

Honestly, had this just been a bf/gf thing, then saying something like that to her might be easier. But while we have a child together and I DO still love her very much, I almost feel like I cant give up. Im the first to admit I was not easy to live with. She put up with a lot of crap from me durning my depression. She really did. But I always figured "damn, I've got such a great wife who is standing with me through all this hell". I started to come out of it all in May and started to think when I get all the way out I should start to make it all up to her. But she finished it all before I even managed to get things right. The problem was she even said things were getting much better and in all honesty, had she not ended it when she did, I'm pretty sure we'd be very happy now and so would she. Shes still very distant and undecided. And in all honesty shes in the same way when it comes to what to do with our son. She says that if her and me live together for anytime now then it will screw us up for ever and we will never get back together. That living apart is what we should do. I agree with her. But I do not agree it should be in separate contires. We should live close to one another and start to "date" again. She says she would want to get back together with me later, but she would have to have those feelings for me. Today I accidently let it slip, more out of habit and said "love you" when we would hang up the phone, we both kinda had an akward laugh and I said "am I ever gonna hear that from you again"..her reply was "i dont know". That phrase that started to give me a twhicht. I told her we shouldnt have sex anymore either. She didnt even want to dicuss it. Just said "no, dont even start...". My reasoning is is helps me get over her and she knows if she screws someone else Id never g back to her. So either way I get my answer soon. I want to ask her if we will or wont fix this. If she WANTS to work for that. But if I even bring anything up she says "dont! if you keep asking you push me away". what the hell??? you push someone away when you ask your wife if its any point to work for this marriage???????

Honestly, if I were you, I'd make SURE that my feelings are real and I know excatly what is going on before taking some step like telling your husband. Its pretty normal for people to confuse feelings of "in love" with another while the problem is really the marriage has become routine. Maybe try to focus on your marriage and family before running off with someone from 9 years ago. I'd also be surprised if this guy would leave his family either. Make sure for everything. Not just you and your feelings but his too. Because you do not want to turn aroud in a year and think "what the HELL did i just do!?" When your family is gone, husband has moved on and that guy is gone. I'm not saying you dont love that guy and he doesnt love you. But I am just saying remember you are married. You have a family. Make sure if you give that up, its what you wanted! What about your husband? You dont mention him...is he a good husband? do you love him?

Yes, back in the UK now. And really in limbo. Not just with my relationship but in my "life" since I need to sort this all out asap. Once she has figured out how she wants to deal with it all I can make some concrete plans. I dont want to walk away from her just yet. I know first hand how everything can go to hell if someone isnt there for the other when things arent right. But I just dont know what the hell I can do and if there is even any point to try. Anything I say or do seems to bounce off her like bullets to a tank. Before she would have been so happy with f.ex me sending her flowers, now, its just "ok. thanks. they were nice". she says emotions and feelings have no logic for them. But human behaviour does! So how the hell could this all change so quickly!?

she even wants to fix the tattoo of my name on her lower back. This is the same girl who despises tattoos but did this and now wants to fix it up. She told me I'm the love of her life. She'll never feel even slight what she felt for me for some one else. and even went so far as saying that with me and our son, her heart doesnt have any more space for someone else. Go figure!

Well, my "wife" says I'm making her insane with so much questions. Ok, I havent asked a single thing about us for over a week now. But I'm sitting here trying to take stock of everything and what I should do. Some people tell me to forget her, divorce her and move on. Others say to hold on and wait and it will all work out fine. I do want my family back together, for us and then for our son. The problems us not being together creates is many since we are from different countries. But i dont want to drag out my pain either. This whole thing has really sucked a lot of life out of me and I rally do feel down. I love the woman, I cant help it. Yes I was depressed but I still accept all of whats owed me in messing things up. I wish she could have just stood by me more and helped me. I did NOT suddenly come out of the depression and change when she finished this. It happened in May (she ended in end of July). I was getting a hell of a lot better in May. I worked damn hard for myself to pull out of that depression and had she just stood by me by now things would be great with us. I would have been making up for all I put her through and showing her how much I appreciated her standing by me. But things dont always work out the way you want. Anyway, I was just looking for some advice on what to do. Sice this has ended it all went like this: Up until the 26th of July - all seems fine. Nothing seemed out of place. She did things like buying a new sofa (pay off monthly for a year) and cable TV for a year all between April and July. Says to me that things are getting better. Then one night after me telling her she couldnt go out drinking because she had to get up with our son she ends it. The reasons: she loves me but is no longer in love. My temper and anger over the last 18 months has made her afraid to come home incase I'm angry and we argue. That I made her feel bad about herself. Shes afraid of doing the wrong thing all the time. That one night when we got physical with eachother. That she doesnt want a relationship for a long time. Just wants to be alone. BUT in all this: I almost had to FORCE her into signing the Divorce papers. She didnt even want one and still doesnt. She told her mother it was ME who wanted the divorce. When I asked why she didnt want one she said: "because if I ever marry again it'll probably be to you anyway" and "coz if we get back together its just makes things a little messy" She says things like: "when I want a relationship again, I want it with you". "I still see us at 30 being together". "Its YOU!...I cant imagine being with anyone else". "I do wish that we end up back together". "If you're patient then we'll be back together". "its not impossible hat we get back together". She told her mother: "maybe later we can get back together and fix this". When i told her I wanted the divorce because its easier for her to fall in love with someone new and "fresh" she said: "I think its easier for me to fall in love with you again...I didnt fall out of love with you, I turned off all my feelings as self defense". When I demanded a divorce a week ago she said (more screamed): "fine we get a divorce and forget about us ever getting back together!". She says we could get back together later but she would have to have "those feelings" for me. Says its best for me if I find a girl I like to move on because she cannot promise anything. Doesnt know how she will feel in six months/a year or whatever. She doesnt love me like "that" anymore but she still wants us to have sex, says its the best, likes me to touch her, sleep with her, cudle her, kiss her. Hell, the three weeks before me and my son left she called me like 30 times a night when she was out (almost always did this), wanted me to kiss her all the time, hugging me all the time. The last night she wanted us to have a "nice night". i.e. acting excatly the same as always. says Im one of the best looking men shes ever seen. Says that she never ever even looked at another man when she was with me, she wasnt interested, but now she is looking and that worries her. In the weeks since we finished and since me and my son is gone: shes gone out drinking twice a week. even though shes not even had a single plan or idea what we should do with our son. when I called her yesterday to ask if she had thought about it she said she needed more time to think. what the hell should I do??

Thanks all for the words! I have thought that she was just using all this as an excuse to end it. I mean yes, things were hard for awhile. I was NOT easy to live with. short tempered, irritable...didnt have much interest in anything, didnt want to go out with anyone, just sat at home..kept to myself. Found it hard to even get out fo bed a lot of times. The whole depression was brought on by us moving to sweden for HER. We lived in the UK for two years and the year our son was born she was sliding into depression. I could see it. She yelled, argued everyday. complained about everything so I told her we could go to sweden. I tired everything! By May I was finally coming out of my depression, after a hard struggle. And I was climbing back up. She even mentioned how great it was that things were getting better and thats the month she also signed us up for 12month subscription to cable TV. She did it because I love to watch movies and she was really happy to have gotten that for me. Then two months later its over. Ok we had other problems besdies my depression - all totally fixable! All it needed was a little time together as a couple and a little less stress in our lives and it would have been fine! But she is NOT interested to fix that. She says "maybe we can try later". She says she is so scared of me! I cant believe that at all. If she was so scared of me she would have gone a long time ago. But even the weeks before I left she was wanting us to hold eachother, have sex, sleep together, eat nice gfood together! Thats not how you are if youre scared of someone. She says shes afraid to come home incase Im angry! she says I put her down so much that I made her feel worthless! That is completely UNTRUE. Yes we argued and we maybe called eachother names, but thats arguments. Shes called me some pretty terrible things when we argued and I see them for what they are: hot air. She seems to forget the tem BILLION times I told her how great/smart/beautiful/funny she is. How special she is. How happy she makes me. They seem to be not even there for her. Hell even this week: she spent all her money this month already (yes in two weeks!), I even gave her money before I left for half rent and some of the bills. Now she couldnt afford her school books. Of course shes cold as ice to me when I call her, screaming for me to leave her alone, but when she needs help and I give it to her (I gave her money for her school books : about £200) THEN shes super nice to me saying how sweet I am! That drives me insane! She STILL has no clue what she wants to do with our son! Its been six weeks now and if its like she says: its been 18 months, shes had to think about this! She says she didnt think she could ever finish it, thats why she was so "normal" up until the day of this. BS! If it had been ME that wanted to finish this iut would have gone down something like this: I would have known by christmas at LATEST. The "I love yous" would have been few and maybe nothing, sex would have decreased dramatically, the distance between us would have been obvious, I would have had some plans what to do with our son, and I would have had divorce papers ready to sign and be sent away. It would have been something i thought about for a long long time and something she would have seen coming. This was nothing like that. But anyway, she has no idea what she wants to do with our son. I called her durning the week and said we need to sort this out so she asks for more time to "think" and for me to call Thursday. I do. She wants to talk the next day instead because shes so tired and hungry. Well that drove me mad. I've been sitting here for weeks trying to talk about this and I've had enough of it being put off. so after some yelling at me she started to talk. I gave her our options: 1. We do her orignal insane plan of playing tennis with our boy for the next 9 months (one month/one country the next month/next country). ---thats now unacceptable to her. It was her idea and was always out fo the question to me. 2. He stays with her in sweden until she moves here. ---unacceptable to both of us 3. He stays here with me until she moves. ---unacceptable to both of us 4. I move back to sweden and live with her until I find a new job. ---unacceptable to her. 5. She moves here now and restarts her studies in September. ---unacceptable to her. 6. We work on our relationship. She lets the past be past and opens up again and we work on it. ---unacceptable to her. I cant think of anything else to do. I'm fed up of trying. Ok she sees it like I messed all this up with my behaviour and my depression. But she has ultimatly made the mess and I am left acting like a lunatic trying to pic the pieces up and clean the mess up. She still wants no divorce: "we maybe can try this later again...I dont know if I'll ever want it...right now I dont want a relationship or to think about men". I have sent her flowers, chocolates, cards, nice sms, email...over the last few weeks (stopped the end of last week) but it doesnt do any good. Shes not even the slighest interest in fixing this. Before she would haveliked all that, now it means NOTHING to her. Shes cold as ice when I do call her for whatever reason. Shes acting like we were some bf/gf for a year or something...not like we have been maried and have a life together. She KNOWS how I was before my depression, she can see that man now but she keeps using the blackest part of my life as a weapon against me and us. Ive said sorry about ten million times. I cant do it anymore. I told her unless she is able to let all that go and move on then we canot have ANY type of relationship outside our son. I wont have someone use my illness against me. I'm not trivilazing anything, not trying to say I was a great husband. The last 18 months I have been terrible!!! But she should see it for what it was. Not walk away from me and throw in the towel on our marriage/family. Now she wants to talk to someone outside (who neither of us know!) to ask what we should do with our!!! She says shes turned her feelings off for me as a "defensive". That because she didnt fall out of love with me coz of bordeom or whatever that it could probably come back on!hahaha..BS again! Besides, its like...I could be destined to be the greatest physicist of all time, make some remarkable discoveries and so on, but uless i get involved and TRY then I'll never know or achieve anything in the world of physics! Its the same with a relationship. I guess I'm burned how easily she has packed this in. I remember when her and me got together I was playing some song and she started to cry because it reminded her of her ex from about 9 months previous! Hello!! we have a son, a life and a marriage and all you can think about is school, apartments and going out! The only time I get some emotion from her is when I annoy her or irritate her which happens alot lately since I for one cannot just walk away and give this up so easily. Everyone I know is telling me to forget about the divorce and give her total space and it'll all work out. The problem with that is I know its just a matter of time before I hear her say: "i met someone else, i dont have those feelings for you and i wont ever either..i know that now..I want a divorce!". I KNOW that will happen. So I have sent the divorce papers in. I cant deal with this anymore. Feels like everything worked out nicely for her. She got to move home, get a nice place to live, got her studies started with my help, got to go back toher friends while I watched our sona nd worked my a.ss off and when it got too hard she bailed. I on the other hand: gave up a great job, future to move to sweden, worke din BAD jobs almost 20 hrs a day, suffered depression, lost contact with most of my mates at home, lost my place to live and have to come back to the UK and start all over again. Most of my friends have moved away and my old job is a tough one now if I can get it back. Shes all sorted and I got my life turned upsidedown. and she doesnt seem to care. sorry for the rant..just needed to vent

Well its not posible for me and my wife to have complete NC but we/I am trying. I have wanted to sort out what we will do with our son because since this happened 6 weeks ago she still has not made up her mind how she wants to deal with it. She still gives me the "do not know" line everytime and says she needs to think about it. I give option after option and each one is shot down as unacceptable. So now I am just sitting back and waiting for her to make her mind up or come up with some plan of action. At least she has finally given me the reason she doesnt want this relationship (for now anyway). It all boils down to my depression. That that pushed her away from me and that caused her to turn off all her feelings for me as an act of self defense for her. It seems to boil down to one night when we got physical with eachother and I hit her. Yes I did, nothing like a black eye/beat her up, but I punched her in the arm after she threw a heavy object at the back of my head. It was the worst night of my life to be honest and I dont use anything as an excuse or try to make it sound like nothing but had I not been in the darkest lace of depression that would never have happened. She knows that. She says she sees everything for what it is/was but cant help that she is afraid of me. Now, this happened about a year and a half ago. and before and since nothing ever happened. Yes, durning my depression I was very angry all the time, irritable and argumentative but that all started to stop about May of this year. She said it was great that I was coming out of it and then in end of July ended the whole thing. Now it seems that the reason she cannot work on this relationship is because she "cant spend one more day of her lie scared and nervous" and the thought of living with me for one more day "makes her ill". I may be a lot of things but the person I was when I will ill is NOT me and she bloody well knows it! I told her a million times that I'm sorry for the way I was. I didnt want to be like that. I struggled to get out of it on my own because she walked away from me when I needed her. I never blamed her or ever did anything to ruin the things she wanted. I told her she HAS to let all that go! once and for all, just let it go and open up to me again.."turn her feelings back on" or whatever. That our marriage has problems that are easily fixable. She says she doesnt trust me. I have NEVER lied to her, mislead her or anything like that. I felt down, I was in a dark place, I lashed out at her, I was angry, sad, lonely, worried and our living situation didnt make it any the easier with money worries and so on. But to take that 18 months and mke it the basis of our whole marriage is just bad taste! I've done everything for her, sacrificed everything for her and our family...the reson I became depressed was because of what I did to get her what she wanted. She still doesnt want a divorce though. Thats a good sign. But I need to get her to leave all the go and move on with our lives in some direction and to try to fix this... any advice??

well an update i guess... I spoke with her today for a short while. Called so she could speak to our son and ended up talking for a few mins. It was really casual and formal at the same time. Shes certainly not having a change of heart anyway thats for sure. Shes very normal about the whole thing. I think thats what hurts the most, the fact that she can give all this up without so much as a passing thought and while I'm in so much turmoil over it, she really doesnt seem to care in the slighest. I doubt shes even given "us" a passing thought in the last week. Shes going over to stay with her friend tonight to watch a movie and eat some dinner. I was always thinking her friend was a little more than "friendly" with her but then again..I'm no expert at knowing who is and isnt homosexual. After we jung up I had to call her back to say something I forgot and she was really brutal : "i'm in a rush now..have to go..we can talk tomorrow if you want..bye!". All I needed was 30 secs to say do this one thing but no. didnt even get that out of my mouth. Well we are talking tomorrow or monday about what to do with our son. I dont think I can bring "us" up again but I know one thing for sure. All her BS about us getting back together later, all the BS about not wanting a divorce, all the BS about seeing us together at 30 is all gone by now. I know now she WILL want a divorce and she'll be telling me its all done for good. I bet my life on that. Its getting to the point now where I cannot have ANY type of relationship with her. I cant even stand the sight of her because she is treating me so badly and with so little respect. just like I'm some guy from the street who is trying to chat her up. Not the man she married for 6 years and had a child with. Can people REALLY be so unconcerned with their marriage ending?????????

Thanks for the words you two! Yes having complete NC is virtually impossible but saying that I havent done any contact for almost a week now. I sent her the odd sms to say our son is fine and getting on well and one email to tell her to sort out something with my bank. To be totally honest too, its hard to talk to her because she is so upbeat about everything. I dont blame her, her life is pretty much going great. We all moved to sweden for her studies - she got a nice place to live, nice furniture, a half decent part time job, now starts to go out a hell of a lot, party, study and relax at home infront of the TV. Me on the other hand have had my life totally turned upsidedown by all this. I didnt have any stable job in sweden, just here and there..the apartment we had and all the stuff we put in it is no longer mine (i dont live there anymore)...she won and I got burned everyway possible. I may have to stay in the Uk and basically start my life all over again at age 27. Thanks. All I wanted her to do was talk. Even yesterday when I sent her the mail about my bank I told her about my idea of what to do to co parent our son the best way. That I move back to sweden for the next year and we live separate and then in June she transfer her studies here. I sent an sms to her to tell her to check the mail and sort my bank stuff out. Well not only did she not even do that, she didnt even read the email. Thats how important sorting out our sonis to her. A friend of mine yesterday made me think alot. He said that the whole situation is so messed up he wouldnt be surprised if she came back to me soon. (Im not so sure about that). But he asked "what would you have done if you wanted to end a 6 year relationship and four year marriage with a young child?". You know when I answered that to myself I started to see how even more messed up the situation is or maybe how messed up SHE is. If I wanted to end this I would have known by Christmas at the latest. I would NOT have acted like it was all fine. Sex would have decreased dramatically, no touchy feely love stuff very often, I would NOT have signed up for a one year Cable TV for her as a gift two months before I end it. I would not have wanted us to put anymore money into the apartment. I wouldnt have blown off my friends to spend time with her. But most importantly: I would have had some plans on what we should/could do to best co-parent our son. She did NONE of this. Acted TOTALLY normal. I am real angry and fustrated with her that she could throw all this away, not just for us, but for our son too, without so much as a fight or a passing thought. I remember recently we were talking and saying how great it was we were still together after so many hardships and after such a bad situation! How the hell do you say something like that then literally a month later blow everything up. The worst part is her total indifference to what we could do with our child. I mean SHE made this mess and shes unwilling to try and fix anything, unwilling to talk about anything but I'm the one who has to clean up the mess and sort everything out! I cannot talk to her either. If I try to she screams that I'm stressing her out, annoying her, pushing her away, wont leave her alone, trying to confuse her...so what the hell am I supossed to do? If we didnt have a child I would have walked away from her after a week of this but I cant. I want to have nothing to do with her but I have to. Honestly, I think of me and past relationships and there was always a werid ending. Maybe her and me just have different ideas. I told her Iwas in the house we got and started ou life together with our son and said it was pretty werid to be in there. She just laughed and said "yup, i can guess it might have been werid". Shes got NO emotion left, no sentiment. Nothing. She honestly just doesnt care. If she does then shes not showing any of it. Yeah I had thought about her going through some kind of crisis. In a lot of ways it makes some sense that that is whats happening. shes not acting herself at all. But thats no excuse. She wont let go of the fact that I wasnt very nice the last year. we had ONE bad year in our relationship. And I dont use it as an excuse but I was depressed! Clinically! I was stuck in a country, all alone, with a black future, no real oppturnity, watchin every one I know and her moving forward, seeing all other guys like me who came there with gfs or wives that eventually left them and I didnt feel good. I felt trapped and like it was all doomed. She SAYS she sees things for what they are, but if she did then we'd be fixing our relationship. Just seems like once it got hard she bailed.

My story is plastered around the forum but heres the update on it. I#m back in the UK now with my son and its not easy. I have called my ex a few times. I know I shouldnt have and I havent called or smsed the last three days period. But before that I called a lot. She is still really indecisive and wont commit to anything and I need somekind of commitment because all this is going to cause problems for more than just me and my son. Well she screamed at me to leave her alone and stop smothering her. Its hard to believe but in the last four weeks all i wanted her to do was sit down and talk to me and tell me what excatly is going on and what we are going to do about our son but she wont sit down and talk. If I do start to talk or ask questions she says the same thing over and over: "dont know". Then adds that I'm making her more confused by questioning her. I can't get a straight answer from her. "divorce?" "no, i dont want that..." and next time I ask "yes maybe thats best for you if we do". she says one thing and the next day says something opposite. She says it would be easier for her to fall in love with me again than someone else. Then says shes not even sure if she wants to be in love with me again. I dont care what she says but this WAS a rash decision from her. She told me on the phone last time that she has to get rid of the cable TV now somehow. That she only got that for me coz she knows I like movies and things. Now, when you sign up for the cable TV its for one year. She signed up for it two months ago. You do NOT throw a marriage and family away that quickly. No body has the heart for that. Now she is acting totally normal. The first weekend me and my osn were gone-shes out getting drunk with her friends. she has not called even ONCE to ask how our son is. Me and my son sent her some flowers to say we missed her and were thinking about her. Just something innocent and mostly from my son, she didnt even call to say "I got your flowers..thanks". Shes just focused on herself and her studies. Nothing else matters. How you can have a life with someone, marry someone, have a child with them and then give it all up that fast and that easily and act like it all means NOTHING to you is sick. She hasnt even spoken to her parents about it. Her brother knows pretty much nothing. One second shes freaking out because I mention divorce and saying (more screaming) "ok we get a divorce and forget about us ever getting back together again!" and then the next day says "ok maybe its best to get a divorce and you move on..Im not sure I want to be married anymore". In the end I'm standing there like some dork scratching my head wondering what the hell is going on! She says I'm pushing her away by trying to fix things! Sorry love, my family is falling apart and I cant stand by and do NOTHING about it. Honestly now, I#m real down. Its hard to focus on anything else. I just sit around doing nothing. Cant even talk to anyone. I feel like I want to call her (we have a lot to talk about about our son) but I'm stopping myself. she sent an sms saying shed call and I sent one back saying "no. I'll call you". I dont plan to call her until the end of this week. its like Im being lead along here. Yes i do still love her and having my family back together is a nice thought but I cant believe this is the same woman as two months ago. shes just not the same. Im really sad. confused. upset. angry. sorry and just plain helpless right now. The whole situation is out fo my control. everyone I know keeps telling me just to back off of her and itll be fine that she'll come around but I'm not so sure. The thing is no one can really understand how she can act so uncaring to the whole situation. but I can see this is something more serious. It's been four weeks now since this started and she hasnt changed her mind. Shes becoming far more formal to me too in the last few days. Real formal. Its hard for me when i do call her and hear how happy and "normal" she is...I expected SOME saddness. I remember when she finished with her last bf. She cried and was upset about it..but when her family ends - nothing. the odd tear when I get angry over the way she is or when i tell her how much its hurts that she can be so sefl centered. THEN i get some responce. The only time I get ANYTHING except "I dont know" out of her is when I get angry. she doesnt seem to understand how hard this is for me to have dont knows thrown in my face everytime. But Ive had enough now. Im not calling her. Im not mentioning "us" again. She has all the papers, signed and ready. all she has to do is bring them in. sorry for the rant. I just feel like hell right now

Well you all probably know my story. Up til now I've been doing real well with all this. I'm over the shock and pretty much have some to terms with the fact that this is done. I have moments when I feel sad and angry but they pass. usually times when I'm all alone with my thoughts. my "wife" is still very contradictiory with her behaviour but I have started to just take it as her having a hard time letting go of this. I'm not reading into anything. I leave for the UK in two days I told her that for this first month we should only speak once a week and then about our son so she can get the bottle to just tell me its done and get on with a divorce she at the moment doesnt want. But theres one problem: her and someone else. She is adament that she is "not available" for anyone. She doesnt want someone. Of course thats not the way it is. She may really want and believe that but well, shes not a nun. Honestly the thought of her with someone else is hard to take but I know I'd be able to handle it. But there is one person I know that I just cant get out of my head. She doesnt know him, i dont think shes ever met him but hes the ONE person I would dread her getting with and in all honesty, I could see it happening. When my mates met that guy in a bar one of them called the next day to see if I wanted to come out for a few beers an I said sure. He said theres some english guy coming alone.."hes one man who you keep well away from your missus". Well yeah, hes a good looking guy, good job..a lot of girls seem to like him. My missus is very good looking. I think he commented once on that himself. Ive NEVER been jealous or suspicious of my wife. I was always secure in our relationship, but I just have this dreaded feeling that if they should meet- they'll get together. Damn, its so hard to shake. Shes already told me she wont be getting together with anyone and esp not anyone I know "thats a big no no" she says, but well..you cant stop yourself falling for someone. Yes I know its stupid to pine over something that you just cannot stop. and something that hasnt happen and may never happen, but its so damn hard. I feel like hell over this. I really think if theres anyone she could do something with - its him. the fact that I know the guy and dont get a long too well with him and the fact I know hes a real slimey git makes it worse. i have images in my head of her saying "i love you" to him, rubbing his face, holding his hand, crying over him..and it makes me insane! Honestly spoken, anyone and I mean ANYONE else, I could get over, but him! that would be the worst nightmare come through. If shes gonna do something with him, then its going to happen. I know I cant stop it or whatever and I guess its no longer my place or anything to interfere, but hell! Thats like the worst kick in the teeth i could think of. sorry...i needed a rant 8)

You're completely right. The problem is I do still love her and she is the mother of my child. While driving me insane. I'm well over the shock of all this and am on the road to moving on. In fact I'm doing really well considering all whats happened. But I know how is she is and I know that even if she does meet someone else, she'll tell me later that all my assertiveness and my not willing to hang around is the reason we ended. It'll always come back to that: all this is my fault. I know she is putting herself in a situation that later when our son asks whats wrong she can tell him that I was the one to blame. Shes a clever girl. She knows I love her and she knows the idea of her with someone else drives me insane. shes playing her hand well, she knows I'm here and she is using it whenever she wants. But come the day she meets someone else she'll turn cold as ice.

I certainly do NOT think all those "we'll get back together later...maybe" things are sincere. They dont hold any water for me. Its all done. If we ever got back together, honestly: it'd be a miracle for me. The trust, security is all gone. I dont see how that could ever be gotten back. When I do tell her she is being selfish she tells me that that is why she cant be with me because I make her feel back and put her down. Sorry, but thats just how I react to what you're doing. She cant take it. She can critise me like hell but if I say one thing about how I feel about the way she is acting: I'm putting her down. The thing with that other girl isnt really anything to me. I have no interest. I just want to be alone and get over this now. But what was interesting was her reaction. Firstly telling me she wouldnt be too bothered with me finding someone else. Then when I tell her I'm going to meet that girl she throws a fit and tells me I pretty much ended everything by talking to that other woman. She gave me such a guilt trip on it that had I even wanted to go and meet that woman I wouldnt. Heres why it annoys me: I KNOW for a fact that when she meets someone else and I react badly to it she'll tell me as cold as ice that its got nothing to do with me, that she doesnt love me like that and that this new guy doesnt treat her badly. She'll tell me as brutally as possible that I cant tell her what to do. I know she will. She finished this: I dont owe her ANYTHING now. I tired to fix it, was willing and able to fix out problems and she wasnt having any of it. Then when I say "ok, I'll move on" I get a guilt trip and the blame for messing all this relationship up.

well we had the "talk". More of her being completely defensive and on the attack. This "talk" was her idea, not mine. I sat with her watching crap on TV for about two hours after our son went to bed and eventually got tired of waiting for her to start talking so I went on the computer, listened to some music and played a few games. I could sense that annoyed the hell out of her and asked i she was ok. She wanted me to come and sit and watch TV with her and eat some chips. I said i thought we were gonna talk and she says we should just relax first. Now I know this woman. Her "talk" is ten mins before she has to rush off to bed so I said thats not good enough. Well I said somethings I maybe shouldnt have. Told her I think ther studies has become the thing that all our lives revolve around, that her studies are absolute nr 1 in her life now and theres no room for me or barely even our son. She started to get mad because I was calling her "selfish". It seems that I cant really say how I feel without her lashing out and telling me I'm putting her down or saying shes the worst person in the world. So whats the point in even trying to talk to her? Well bottom line is: she says she forced herself out of love with me as a (and get this) survival instinct because things went bad. That later we can try and fix these things when she wants a relationship again. Right now, and she doesnt know for how long, she doesnt want a relationship. Shes just "not available like that". Of course, she says she cant make any promises, but thats how she feels. She says she sees us at 30 living together and going on hoildays together. I'm the most important person in her life after our son. That no one will ever be able to take my place. I'm the greatest person she ever met. According to her this isnt just talk to let me down easy to make this easier on her. Its how she feels. She says she knows this is confusing and makes no sense but says - thats emotions. Thats how she feels and shes just trying to be honest. She still is very attracted to me and so on. Go figure! She doesnt want a divorce but she understands why I do and thinks its maybe fairer to me to get one. Its been about three/four weeks since all this started. A girl I know is starting to show some interest in me. I like her and shes attractive and all but I'm just not there in my head with women right now. But I thought it might help just to go and meet her when she called and asked a few times. I turned her down a lot over the last few weeks but she invited me to a BBQ with her and some friends last night and I said yeah sure. Now my "wife" told me that one of the reasons she didnt want to be with me was becauase the thought of me finding someone else didnt bother her. Well she went absolutly insane over this. Said that I "sealed the end of this relationship by talking to another woman". So as evcerything else, the end of this relationship was my fault! I cant do ANYTHING right. I told her if shes not willing to let the past GO then we cant have ANY kind of relationship outside our son. I did mistakes, treated her badly and she did me. We had a bad situation with me moving here. We didnt spend enough time together: all easily fixable. So if she was going to bring up the past EVERY time I got annoyed with something or everytime we have an agruement then I dont want her around me. I dont want to live like that. She says she will leave it all go. I hope shes right. Shes got the most irritating habit lately of telling me about all the men that are into her. Yes shes very attractive, slim, blonde, swedish woman, and I know people like her, but what purpose does it serve to tell me about men asking her out, doormen at clubs asking her out, people telling her how beautiful she is on the street? I dont want to know that crap. I dont tell her about the women wanting me. I dont see the point. But she insists on telling me. Then says its MY fault she tells me because I mention about some girl who wants me to go to a BBQ!! This is all driving me insane. Out of here in a few days..thank god!