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confusedashell

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  1. confusedashell
    I moved from the UK to Sweden for my wife. I understand how you feel. It's a process that takes its toll on you mentally and physically and it's difficult for your partner to comprehend just how much this effects you. My wife would always tell me that she understood, but the reality is, theres no way she could. Moving abroad, learning a new language, trying to find a job, having no real friends, trying to adapt to the new culture and country and trying to do all this basically alone is difficult at best. Some people are lucky enough to work for companies which can place them abroad and fix everything they'll need there. When that doesn't happen, its rough at best. I can tell you that I went through the same as you did. Mentally, I was exhausted. Worry about almost everything. Work, money, future. Worried what would happen if we split up and I ended up left in a country alone. Over time I have made friends, gotten work and so on, but it's still difficult to be here sometimes. All this does take its toll on your marriage. It's a pressure most others don't have to go through. Having a wife that has some serious personal problems isn't helping your marriage either. I think you need to ask yourself do you love her? Truly. Do you want it all to work? If yes for both I'd suggest councelling and lots of it both for her to work through her issues with her past and herself and then for you and your marriage. Sounds like you really need to TALK. Sit down and talk it all out. On the other hand, if you don't love her. Then I suggest getting a divorce and moving home or moving out a.s.a.p. Good luck!
  2. confusedashell
    we had a good bit of PMing back then right mate? It took awhile. even after we started to "reconcile" it took MONTHS before we got back together. 5 months was when she wanted us to fix it all up. It took about almost a year before we got back together officially I even went out with another woman (didn't have sex or anything) because I thought I couldn't accept her back after the way she was. LOTS of talking and trust building went on and eventually we just decided to give it a go again and it all worked.
  3. confusedashell
    Present! Broke up for about 5 months (her doing). Eventually got back together and everythings going great!
  4. confusedashell
    You seem to be on the mend though even if you cant see it yourself mate! I know Im repeating myself here but honestly it is too soon to be making any real speculations about how your gf is feeling and what will happen. Everything and I really do mean everything your gf is doing: my wife done the very same! She said the same things, acted the same way, treated me the same way and so on so forth. Maybe right now she really does not feel like coming back. The fact that she acts like this is nothing sort of points to she has not really thought about o dealt with all this for her own side. So do hang on there. But again assume its all over and just focus on you. Regardless of the outcome that is what you need to do. When you do meet your wife be upbeat and postive. Do give her some real space. Be supportive of what she's doing in her personal life. The day will come when you both sit down and talk about your relationship. You just need to be patient and in the mean time get on with your own life. Hell, maybe if she decides she wants to fix it, you'll not be interested? who knows! its very early "in the game" to see anything clearly. Suggest to her you all spend one day every week or two weeks together as a family. Doesnt matter if you're not together: you're still a family. Its for the girls best that you have a good day out together or even just some dinner together.
  5. confusedashell
    If you're worried about the contact with your daughters you should do something at this early stage. I don't know just how worried you are over this but if she is really being that neglectful of the relationships your daughters have with you then maybe you could arrange something legally? don't have to go to court but something so you know that you have them so and so and she has them then and then? One week each maybe? Do you live close to oneanother??
  6. confusedashell
    damn mate, thats rough! sorry to hear this! Sounds like she wants to see if the grass is greener..which it most cases is not. I think at this point, its best to just get her out of your system. And dont fall for any of her nonsense later. Going off for a weekend with some male friend right in the middle of all this is unacceptable. Doesn't matter what her reasons or even if he *is* just a friend, its putting you in a postion and she shouldnt do that. Not at this early stage. Hell, you were together a long time and you have a family together. You're still a young guy and sorting your life out in a real quick and good way so I've no doubts you'll meet some great woman later on! Yeah like the other poster said: go and get some woman for a night. No strings, just one night and that will help you see there is other women out there for you You're doing VERY well! You've become an entirly new person and reinvented yourself completely these last few weeks! Hats off to you! I wish I could get my act together like you did! I've no doubts you'll be fine and maybe in a year or two even think this was a blessing in disguise! And trust me, sooner or later your gf will regret what she threw away! Not a doubt in my head. You seem like a real decent guy with your families interests ahead of your own. Thats admirable! Keep doing what you're doing: fixing up your personal and economic situation and then go have some fun! Maybe go away for a weekend with some friends? Sure over there in USA theres some great things to do! And maybe another weekend so away with your daughter? Just you and her! Just get out and have fun. Don't do anything to make her jealous, just do everything to make yourself happy and content! At this point, she's not worth it. Get her out of your head like "that". The sooner the better. I know right now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel seems far off, but its not. Its just shocks to the system every time she does something you are not used to. Soon enough you wont even care enough to think about it for more than a few seconds! I mean it: Hats off to you!! You're doing exceptionally well!
  7. confusedashell
    Agreed! Don't do anything that you'll later regret! Things are going very well despite it not being so apparent. My wife acted the very same, the coldness and the distance, for months! She hasnt moved on, so dont do it either yet. If you go out with some woman now it will set you back 20 paces and it'll all be in vein because I doubt very much that any new female would last longer than a couple of months right now. Its obvious you're gf is really confused now. Shes reaching out and then pulling back. You must be doing something right. Yes its fustrating not to see any real results, but they are there. Let her alone for now. Dont force anything. Keep on bettering yourself like you're doing. The time will come when you both do sit down and talk about your relationship, it will. You cant go 13 years with someone and never talk about it again. Next time she comes to get the girls, ask her if she wants a coffee or something. Be very postive and upbeat (but not insanely happy ) and the topic might come up. Dont mention other men or women. Looks to me like things are moving the way you want them too!
  8. confusedashell
    wow that is rough! I found out my father was having an affair with a woman in a different country (he works abroad a lot). At first I said nothing since I had no serious proof but later when i found something that was difficult to deny I confronted him about it. He of course denied it and laughed it off. I couldnt do really anything about it. Well, long story short, my mother found out about it and it pretty much killed her. She was very ill at the time and she became so upset about it she stopped eating. She eventually died. I am not blaming my father entirly for this, my mother was ill for sometime before this and they had problems in their marriage for years, but I just wished I had told my mother about it so I could have helped her out with dealing with it. My father still denies the whole thing. So I think confronting your mother is a good idea. Why should you're father have to suffer later?
  9. confusedashell
    Great! Sounds like its all starting to go in the right direction. Again, almost excatly what happened with us too. My advice is similar to what NJRon say, don't go overboard now. You're in a good position. You explained how things were, told her how you feel/felt for her and it's got her thinking. Dont get heavy with her now, but bring ip up every now and again in a kinda lighthearted way. Women cant help but like a guy who's lighthearted and able to handle situations without stress because most women are pro to stress lol! Ok maybe not, but you know what I mean Keep up with you're own personal advances too mate. This is obvious good for both you and the pural you
  10. confusedashell
    Ok, I'm not gay so I wont even pretend to understand you and your situation, that would be an insult to you. But I can say this mate, I dont think it would be a good idea to go down this road at all. Even if you find a woman who is willing to deal with this I can assure you that she would find it very very difficult in the future. You are gay and you can't change this no matter how much you feel connected to a woman on an emotional level. You will at some point find a man you are both sexually and emotionally attracted to and this will lead to serious problems both for you and the woman you are together with. I just do not think it would be fair to you or her to get involved when the outcome is already written in stone. Sure you met just jerks so far, who hasnt? Maybe you're just in the wrong gay circles? I mean there has to be some "normal" gay people too who dont have this trait of running after everyone? Just like in the straight world. Besides all this, I really cannot fathom a woman that would get involved in a situation like this unless she has some serious self esteem issues of her own. Thats another problem you'll have to wonder about. Good Luck!
  11. confusedashell
    Yup, thats why its best not to do anything but keep your options open. I would have done the same thing as you: waited for her to start meeting others before I did. That way, you can feel 100% you did the right thing. Its just a matter of time before you start to feel better mate. and hell, she could come back anytime. If she does then you both will need to have a serious sit down and sort out all the problems and solutions from start to finish. That wont be easy, but worth it. In anycase the best advise I can give you is the one you're already following so well: Assume the relationship is over and focus on you and your girls.. You need to have some sanity and your girls need a strong father there for them. You need to focus on yourself because from the sounds of it, you really did all for your family and wife before. Hope its some help mate! I know its easy to sit on this side of the fence and fork out advise.
  12. confusedashell
    haha thats sadly right. we men do usually put the number up a few notches, especially when we're younger. by the time I was 20 I had sex with maybe 7 different women but of course when I met my wife, I told her I had a lot more than 7 hah. We are insecure about it and in the male world, the less women you've had, the less man you are. So dont worry about it. when it comes to talking about past relationships, lets face it: we all know we shouldnt, but we all do. Its natural curiosity mixed with insecurity. The thing to remember is: we all have a past. Deal with it. You either let it go or end the relationship. But the longer the relationship goes on, you dont even think about your partners past. I couldnt even fake an interest in my wifes ex's
  13. confusedashell
    Sounds like your on the right path here mate! Well done! She knows you want to fix things, she knows you still love her so the balls in her court. Not much else you can do. Now you're focusing on You and your girls, thats the best thing you can do! Regardless of what happens it sounds like you'll be fine! You're over the worst part of it and passed nicely The hardest part must be the time with the girls though. Damn, thats rough. But I guess its always workable and can be just as good for the children if the parents just realise that the children are the most important. Its no doubt you are thinking of your girls first and foremost man, so hopefully you're wife will/is too. In a few years man, you'll daughters will be proud of you, thats for sure. They'll appreciate everything you did durning this time (trying to fix things etc). Thats for sure! Its great to that you're interacting with other women! Thats a great sign! Maybe its too soon to have any kind of relationship with another woman but just realising there is other great women out there will be a great help to you if you're g/f doesnt come back. If anything else mate, we are men hah, we need an ego boast Keep it up mate! And keep us all informed! Honestly, posting here and venting is a great way to get things off your chest! It helped me alot.
  14. confusedashell
    damn mate, sorry all this is happening. Its a real hard thing to go through and even harder when you have a family together. But what you said about her actions etc. I can say my wife did the excate same thing with me. She went out, she talked to me like some guy who was calling her after meeting her out in the pub. She acted real cold about it all. Thats when I HAD to assume the relationship was done. For my own sanity! Thats what you need to do. I cant tell you she'll come back- she might not, She may have truly moved on and wont ever want to return, but she also might. Thats the problem, you just cannot predict what will happen, so your best bet is just to be a little selfish now. Start to plan your own life without her. This works two fold: It helps you move on if things truly are finished. Put her out of your mind, look forward to meeting someone else. You will get stronger. If things are dead you will have to do this sooner or later, so might aswell be now! You gotta think about your kids and whats best for them. In the end either your wife will see you as the man she fell in love with or she wont. But You also may find out that at the end of the day, you dont even want her back! Who knows what will happen. I had assumed we were done and only then when I truly started to move on did we sort it all out. Your situation sounds VERY similar to my own and in the end my wifes problems were like 40% us and 60% just herself feeling bad. it took time away from it all for her to see it. How about taking the kids for a weekend somewhere nice? just go and do something where you can all focus on just having a good time together?? Hope it all works out one way or the other for you mate. so you dont need to sit there scratching your head.
  15. confusedashell
    I agree with NJRon..just relax and this will most likely work out the way you want it. My wife was acting excatly the same way as yours is now. A girl I knew wanted me to go out with her after a few weeks of thr break up. I almost did. But had I dont it, we would never have gotten back together. I know that now. Just hang on in there. Dont update her on your situation at all! Dont talk to her about how you feel and dont tell her whats going on in your life. Also dont ask her either. Turn the tables on her. Right now she is in control, you need to rebalance everything. Its not being cold and mean, its just ding whats best for you. Someone on here gave me a real good piece of advice when I was going through my breakup: "Assume the relationship is over". Thats the best thing to do. Only when I started to actually say to myself "its done", did things start moving with "us" again. Thats what you need to do. I know its not easy but its the best thing. Trust me, she WILL bring up the relationship. She WILL want to talk about. It just takes time. Dont put any pressure on her. Valentines is a tough one. But maybe send something to her, like a small card with just "thinking of you" in it. Nothing big. But you will at least have sent it. And SEND it. Best not to guve it to her as she might just twist it into you putting pressure on her. Im sure this will work out man. Its so similar to my own situation. Was like looking into a mirror when I read your posts.
  16. confusedashell
    sounds like you're on the right track there mate. Keep it up! the other poster is right though: its been only a few weeks and you probably wont see any changes for a few months (it took me and my wife three months of what you're going through now before we started to talk about "us" again). Get moving on your own life. Utilise your time that you have by working something more, studying, going to a gym or whatever you want. Just show her you're a strong husband/father. Spend as much time as you can with your children. Man, I feel bad for you because of them..thats gotta be rough. Shes playing tough now. trust me, shes just as messed up about this as you are. So my advice: when you see her/talk to her be HAPPY and POSTIVE. Dont even bring the relationship up until she does (and she will!). Be happy! Thats the best thing you can do. Maybe every now and then send her some flowers, a card or whatever. show her you still care without putting pressure on her. Dont call her to ask if she got the gifts. Just let her call. I think this will work out man
  17. confusedashell
    My advise is to back off, but still show them you love them. Not by anything instrusive or pestering. the odd card, sms, or a bunch of flowers if its a girl. Of course that depends on them still having feelings for you and not the relationship. Been there myself. This works way better than all those idiotic phone calls and pleadings. but give them space
  18. confusedashell
    some werid things there..like making sure he smells extra good when he goes out to meet his mate. noticing other mens dress sense. I mean walking out of the room when the guy calls. ok, I do that when I mates call, my gf does that when her friends call. So you can talk in privacy, not have the TV in one ear, not annoy my gf with me yattering while shes watching TV etc. Guess you know more than anyone if hes gay. Hows your sex life? The other possibility: he tells you hes going to his mates place when in fact hes cheating on you and his mate is covering? Not to be a wet blanket. But just trying to see all the possibilities. Think you two need to have a serious discussion.
  19. confusedashell
    I really feel for you mate, thats a hard thing to go through. I went through something very similar about six months ago. Almost identical to what you did. One day its all fine, the next its over. But of course, we're men, and we cant read those tiny signals women send to us to say "hey! wake up! things are not ok here!" ok, my advise to you: You have a LONGTERM relationship which does not just die that fast. You have children together. Its most likely NOT over. I tiured and tired with my wife. People here were telling me: Assume the relationship is over and focus on yourself and your child. I found that VERY hard to do and pretty much couldnt do it. It did NO go. She just stood her ground and didnt move. But you know what, one day I just thought to myself: thats it. Its over. and I started to move ona nd forget about it. Two weeks later we ended up talking (I went to get my son), and she started to cry and told me she loved me and wanted this to work and we ended up talking for a LONG time and finding all our problems and talking about what we should do about them. Now , all is great. In fact, the "break up" was the best thing we ever did. Hold on mate! Just give her some space and time. remind her every now and again, you still love her and want to fix whats wrong with your marriage. But dont be pushy and most of all: give her space! I know its easier said than done, but it really is the best thing to do.
  20. confusedashell
    I think you're way too harsh and abrupt there with your statement about "if you think you're gay, then you are". Theres people out there with a lot of things causing them sexual problems and sexuality problems which have little to do with their actual sexuality. Ive read through some of the posts on this forum and someone brought up the subject of Obsessive Complusive Disorder. My wifes brother is a psychologist and I asked him about it since I find th subject of OCDs a little frightening. He mentioned that people so suffer from all sorts of OCDs and there is also a HOCD - Homosexual Obsessive Complusive Disorder. The people are so afraid of being gay that it ruins their lives. They are not homosexuals, but they fear that just for example, talking to a homosexual will make them gay. Honestly, in a forum like this, I think people need to THINK before posting such garbage and things which could be very hurtful and cause problems for someone else. I agree with you that there is a lot of people who are gay and just do not want to be, they dont want to come out or are feeling akward about it. But there is people also with other problems. Show a little restraint please. I see it all over this forum people jumping to conslusions: yes your gf/bf/wife/husband is cheating on you, no they dont love you, yes you're gay etc etc etc. Its a little shocking.
  21. confusedashell
    Well another section of this forum proves helpful Some of you might know, but I live in a foregin country with my wife. My Wife is swedish and I am from the UK. We've been here now for almost three years. I knew it would be difficult but my wife was feeling so lonely in the Uk that we decided to move back. Also the level of childcare at home was so expensive that it literially was taking one of our pays just for that. Anyway, cut a long story short. I've not had a real job since I moved here and its starting to get really get to me. I knew it wouldnt be easy. I spent the first year studying the language instensely and that came off mostly fine. I still have some slight problems but in general, its fine. I have worked with two jobs that are not regular, which means from month to month I dont know how much money I will take home. This means always being extra careful with money. One of my jobs is daytime, the other is nighttime. Due to the uncertainity of them both, I take whatever work I can when its there. This means I can end up working day-night-day-night without any sleep for days on end. I'm tired. Tired from work, Tired from worry and just Tired from feeling like there is no end to this. I searched for so many jobs and nothing ever happened. After awhile, i got so tired of "No thank you"s that I just stopped looking. Now I have to look again and the thought of it kills me. My old job back in the UK really wants me back and I have to let them know by the end of January if I'll return. Of course, I really want this. Or at least, I really want a job. I'm not being pickey up here. I worked washing dishes and in warehouses, but its a full time job I want. I have university education, but I am not even bothered if I end up in some warehouse. I just want the security of it. If my wife left me tomorrow, I'd be in serious trouble. I have met a lot of guys up here in the same situation as me. For some it has never changed, and thats very VERY worrying. Sorry for the vent. Just this gets me down.
  22. confusedashell
    I can imagine its a difficult thing to let your child go and realise the parenting is pretty much done. Especially for women who chose to stay at home with their children (the most difficult job in the world!). But I guess one way to see it is, its somemore freedom for you to do the things you couldnt do when you didnt have the freetime take up some excerising maybe? Or spend more time with friends! Just look at it another way. A lot of people say that their relationships with their children and parents get so much better after thy live apart. You become like close friends!
  23. confusedashell
    Prehaps she is suffering from post natal depression? happens to quite a lot of women. Prehaps theres just no "spark" left. The first year with a new child can really take a toll on the relationship. Prehaps ask her over to talk and just set up some time for you two alone. To do the things you did when you first started to go out. If you are doing this "space" thing then thats fine. I did it with my wife and turned out to relieve a lot of the pressures we had and clear the air. Of course this must mean both parties are committed to fixing the marriage. Maybe do like this: agree to the space, but set up some ground rules. No sleeping around, contact only to be about your son, maybe meet once a week for a meal the three of you and set a time limit on this. Like after 1 month you see where you are. I understand you dont want to let your marriage just die without a fight. Shpw her you care, love her and want to make it all work, show her so theres no doubt in her mind. And then back away. Give her TOTAL space. Good Luck!
  24. confusedashell
    Honestly, I dont think its possible to make generalisations about relationships. Each relationship ends because of many different reasons and circumstances. My wife left me six months ago. Saying she didnt love me anymore. Well about three months ago she came back to me and explained it all the way it was: she left because she couldnt handle my depression anymore. Not the depression per se but the anger that came with it. The fighting, the neglect of her and our relationship. She said she didnt feel like I loved her for the last two years. She just felt like it was all doing us both a lot of harm. But some distance and some treatment from my side made her see things for what they were: our relationship wasnt the problem- but our lifestyles and schedules were. While I understood and agreed with her, I didnt and still dont agree with how she handled it all. I mean thats why strict NC isnt always the best thing either. I tired to fix my marriage for two months! If I\d just went NC it wouldnt have worked since the major part in our breakup was me not giving enough attention to her and the relationship.
  25. confusedashell
    I can tell you this: my ex girlfriend was bisexual. probably lent more towards men but she had a couple of girls she had sex with. I ame home one day and foud her in bed with one of them and of course dived in the second they aske dme to join. It was great! But afterwards...holy crap! "you touched her more than me" "you kissed her more" you" looked at her" "you you like her better" and it just never EVER ended. In the end the nagging was one of the biggest factors in me leaving her. My wife suggested a threesome to me once but I just passed off the idea since I know what it will ultimately mean. Good idea if you're not at ALL jealous..GREAT idea in fact but if you're unsure then I'd say no. It could destroy your relationship.
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