confusedashell

I know excatly what you mean. The problem is, we love them and cant help it. The fact that things go sour and they gave up without so much as a fight makes it a lot harder to move on. Hell with my missus is saying is almost like some kind of torture that she sees as payback for the last six months. She could very easily just say to me, things are bad, we need to fix things, we need to try, you need to do this, I need to do that, we need to do this. And you know what, I know everything would be fine. The foundations are rock solid. Just a few shaky walls. If it was just me and her then this would be simple. I love her and all, but I would find it a lot harder to go along with this without saying "ok, enough is enough..I'm here, I'm here to fix things, I want to fix things, I know it can be fixed, are you in or out?". But there is a lot at steak right now, with our son. Even if we were from the same country or living in the same place it'd be easier. She doesnt even seem to realise what all this is going to mean. Do you think you and your missus will get back together? do you still see eachother much? Had any real talks??

In a lot of ways thats pretty much the excate same situation I'm in. She said that I didnt show her I loved her. In fact when this all started she said "i dont know why you mind..you dont love me anyway, you dont even want to be with me!" and I was like "whaaat? where did that come from?". She constantly thinks I'm p.issed off with her, for no reason. like yesterday after we spoke, the phone rings 2mins later and she asks if I'm angry with her, shes real upset and sad. I said "why the hell would I be angry??". Again, same thing. She feels like your missus, that it should be flowers and chocolates everyday. I tired explaining thats just NOT how it is and that any reason the spark is gone is easily fixable with us spending sometime together. I said we should go to Paris or Vienna for a weekend soon, since shes a big maths and science freak there would be lots for her to see in both places. She said it might feel werid with all this going on. ok, well what can I do? i told her ALL she had/has to do is TALK to me, TELL me instead of going to the bathroom, turning on the tap and crying and coming out like everything is rosey. I'm not a mind reader and hey, I'm a man, I cant read those tiny subtle signals you send, there isnt a straight man ALIVE that can do that. hah, nice words If my wife gets together with someone else, I'm sure she'll think "wow! THIS is what I wanted! I was right to finish the marriage!" and after a year it'll be "later!" to that guy too. I just think she needs to grow the hell up in some ways. You know what one of her excuses was for her unhappiness, nothing related to my depression: "me and my friend want to take a last minute trip somewhere..but i cant do that!" I was stunned. "Why cant you??" "because you'll get annoyed" and I told her the way it was: "I aint stopping you from going away, the money is!" Had we stayed in the UK like I wanted, we'd be fincially set by now, stable. She wouldnt have to worry about that. But she wanted to study here so we moved and we did all this for her studies. Any guy I know was telling me "f.uck her and move on...she's too much trouble". They were right. I expected a little fight from her, not even that after all I/We gave up for this. Instead shes neither in nor out. She is back tomorrow. I dont think I'll get into anything tomorrow night with her, will wait until tuesday night after she gets back from work and ease into this. Havent had her face to face since this started. men might need to understand that women need constant reassurances (god forbid though we turn into some wussy will we do it and then we're "too nice and needy") but women need to realise that we aren't that deep, we NEED to be TOLD how things are. If something is wrong it needs to be SAID. Straight out, no mixed signals, just say it like it is.

mate, I think both of us have the same missus haha.. did your ex meet someone else or? You never got a valid reason why its over? just the 'ol "love you but not in love with you" one? About enjoying her freedom. I know she will. Theres almost no doubt about it. If she goes two or three months by herself, then that is pretty much the end of it all. Because I think after that period you do start to get used to the idea that you're not together anymore. In fact, the more I sit back and take stock of it all, I know this is over. It just guts me that she threw all this away, all our hard work over here to get her the studies, all the effort we put into this apartment, our relationship and our family and our common future that we were so recently planning all down the drain for really something so so simple. She is like you ex and one of her reasons for this is that she says I cant live day for day, that i stress for things in five years. Sorry love, but I like to have some kind of plan and goal to work to so I dont get any nasty surprises. The thing is I dont think she FULLY realises just how much TROUBLE this will all cause later on. last year I went home for three months. i was basically sick of living here and got offered a project job at home for good money so I took it. i took my son for the second month and a half. I still have all those mails she sent me and remember those calls she would make about how lonely she was, how bored she was. How much she missed me and the whole "family" thing. In fact she was more than happy for me to come home earlier than I was planning to. I actually thought this will be a good thing "get away from all the stress and she can have three months all on her own too". Has she figured out what will happen in lets say..worst case, a years time and she either meets someone else or decides she doesnt want to get back together, or hell, even if she does..whats going to happen? will she move to the UK then? I would highly doubt that. What will happen with our son? what will we do? I just feel like she has to have a SERIOUS think about ALL the ramifactions of this before she actually does it.

Yup, I know. Its almost unbelievable. If it wasnt for the child here I would have already told her "see ya", but if there is a chance that we can stay together and our son grow up with us together then I'm all for it. I've already started to make some plans to go home. Thats happening, either if she comes home tomorrow and says she wants to stay together. I'm not sitting around here forever and waiting for the next time this happens and I'm just too old to move home and start picking up my life. This could either break us or we get together and we're stronger. There will be no in between. I have told her that it all depends how we have this "break". If we are considered split up in it and she can just do whatever she wants (i.e sleeps around), then its just over. end of story. If she is doing this because really has some problems then fine. I know she does have problems, I know that because I hurt her so much she has a real big fear of always making the wrong move, she always thinks people are uposet with her, she says she is nervous coming home incase I'm down and angry and she says she needs to sort these out. I todl her just let me show you. We were together SIX years and there has been at TOPS 8 months like that...until this we had a pretty good relationship I thought and obviously so did she. Its hard for me to understand how she can act like this..its so selfish. Saying I'm going to stay with my mother or brother for a few weeks - fine. But "we need a break, you go home, I'll let you know if and when I want us to get back together" is f.ucking just bad manners. esp from the women who says we're soulmates! I dont think she is being hurtful on purpose, i think she is just trying to be brutally honest with me, no matter how confusing it all is. But i just wish she could see what shes doing to me and our family. Once I go home, after a period of a few months, I just wont be able to and nor will I want to pick up everything and leave again.

she wont just sit down and have a real serious talk with you?? not as bf/gf but just as two people who know eachother?

maybe go and see him. you maybe just need some closure on the whole thing?

why cant you have it with your bf? Have you tried? You dont know, maybe he is feeling the same as you..that the spark is gone. Things are mundane? Maybe talk to him, honestly. I might hurt him at first but if you're meant to be, it'll only make you both stronger. He'll see that you are saying it because you do want to be with him and you do not want to end it all.

I understand that people get into serious arguments in a relationship. People say things, mean things, that they dont mean in the heat of the moment. You're vunurable and your aim is to hurt the other person as much as they hurt you. We've all been there and its just a fact of life. So I'm not going to be judgemental about anything. You obviously feel for the guy. But things dont sound good. If I were you, and thinking of if I was him, you should just tell him its over and dont contact him. That will put the scare into him. If he loves you and wants to come back tell him all about how you feel and the "conditions" you will start to be with him again. I am not sure what way my marriage is going right now, its rocky to say the least, but one thing I have learned over the last week: COMMUNICATION! sounds simple, but its not. If thats not there, OPEN HONEST communication, you're screwed! We havent had that for the last 6 months, I was depressed and instead of her telling me how badly i was hurting her, how bad I was making her feel, she just sat in the bathroom with the bath on and cried (I just found this out today). Had she grabbed me by the neck, sat me down and told me "if you dont get a grip on this I will have to leave, i cant take it!", then things would be very different now. She knows she screwed up, she sees me now when I have control of my depression and while she is cautious, she isnt totally gone. So before your problems get too big and before you invest too much emotionally into that guy - TALK to him. As openly and honest as you can.

Well mate, I hear everything you say and actually makes me feel a lot more...I guess independent. So thanks for the advice!! Well i just spoke to her again. Like I said, she is away with our son visiting her mother since wednesday and since then she has called twice a day. Really odd since she says she wants out of it. Anyway, usually long calls, first we just talk the normal stuff, about what we've been doing but usually it gets onto all this. Today she called and was a little werid and I said "are you ok? seem kinda upset?"..she says shes ok. asks how I'm doing and I said, I was much better today..went out for some beers yesterday, ate a good lunch today..and well we start to talk about our situation. I told her what you said, that I understand that she took so many steps back from this to protect herself durning my depression and that I think it was perfectly natural since she couldnt see it for what it was. Well long story short, she is calling me cutie all the time, laughing and being like her normal self. She says that just really NEEDS to live alone for awhile but she does not want a divorce. She said she doesnt know what will happen in the future, I could meet someone else but she says she feels like there is a 70% chance we get back together. Says she cant really imagine sex with anyone but me or growing old with anyone but me. She says she is not interested in a relationship now. shes not interested in men period. she needs to focus on her. all that stuff. As much as I understand this need of hers to live alone (ahe has went on about this since we got together), I dont wonder anymore why I am so confused. She says and acts in so many levels that I cant keep track of. It hurts but I dont want to push anything or get upset with her. I just say "ok". She comes home tomorrow and I asked if she wanted me to go and meet her at the train station. She says in like this usual girlfriend "i want you to but i dont want you to come if you dont want to" tone that I should come if i want but that I dont have to and I said, well I'll come if you want me to be there and she said "well I dont want you to think I'm changing my mind" and I said I'm only asking if you want me to come andmeet you, not marry me again. and she says yeah please, come and meet me. Women are like a mathematical problem. It has totally made me question her though, liek you said, she and your ex bailed at the first sign of trouble. The time when we really needed to be a unit and sort this out. She is playing it smart, she is one foot out and one foot in. I think the most irritating factor here is that we have a child together and she knows I will go back to the UK. So she knows that this will effect him in more ways that it will effect either of us, but she is totally focused on herself. She says this coul be anything from 3 months, 6 months to a year, but she wants us to make plans for the next 6 months (with the child, not with us..that happens when it happens she says). I think this is the part, our son and his well being, that really starts to bother me.

You know all today I've been just trying to see what happened. I dont know if I have found the answers but you really said something that made me think "that sounds about right". That durning the time I was depressed she just took 100 steps back from this relationship and closed off her heart to me as a means of protecting herself. As much as it hurts that she didnt see it for what it was, I can understand that. My wife is 27, the same age as me. Yes she had relationships before me, we both had. Personality wise, and everything else we got on fine. We've always been able to "hang out" and talk has alway sbeen fine too. Its just been the strain of moving here that has been hard on us, lack of money and the illusion of an uncertain future economally. It especially had an effect on me. I also think that once she did start to study that maybe we grew apart, or maybe she grew in a different way and maybe wasnt interested in me any longer. I dont know. Been thinking about that today. But she said so many things that dont make me feel that is true. It still nags at me. yes, she said I was the love of her life, we're soulmates and we fit so good together..but she also said we'd be together forever about four weeks ago when we were planning on buying a new apartment..so who knows how much water all that holds! hah

No, but we are from different countries and alone here I would find it a great finacial strain to strive. That is what (besides the depression) has caused all of our worry and stress and arguments over the last two years. She brings home some money but both my jobs are unstable at best. So i would most likely have to move home to the UK. I asked her to move her studies to the UK so we could live closely to eachother and that way both enjoy a life with our child regardless of wheather we are together or not. Infact I think had we moved to the Uk then our relationship would never have gotten like this. but thats besides the point. She is very concerned about moving. She is worried about her studies. Other than that she has no reason to stay here she says. I told her id of course help her in any way possible since its in my interest as much as hers that she settles in easily. I moved here for her studies so I really feel like this is something she should do for me. Shes not interested to fix our problems and knows that I would have to go home. She had some insane idea that we take him every two months, me in the UK and her here. I dont believe a child that young (4) should be tossed around so much, he needs a base. And well, sooner or later that would have to stop due to school and the massive cost of it too. Eventually one of us (i.e. me) would end up losing out.

Like your ex my wife told me and infact up til a month ago actually swore on our sons life that we would always be together and shed always want to be with me. I dont like to "swear" anything, and esp on my sons life, so now I just wonder if that wasnt true then how much else did I let myself believe? I know you cant always say what will happen but i think you can always have a pretty good idea of what you feel, and if five weeks ago you have NO intention of leaving, I dont see how you can walk away from a fmaily and marriage in such a short time. You are totally right: she should have been there through that depression with me. That is made me alittle bitter, that I needed her then more than ever but she just lashed out at me or cried alone. I wasnt easy to live with, i was angry, down, couldnt relax, but i really think that she should have seen that that was NOT me, that was NOT the person she fell in love with. And seen it for what it was. I find it hard to accept that her love was THAT weak for me. She says I made her so sad, hurt her so much with words, made her feel like she had to do everything. But why couldnt she have seen that I was in need of help. I even said a few times that I wanted to get some help, but she never presued it. When you're depressed you have real low self esteem, self pity, you cant reach out that easily and ask for help. someone has to MAKE you. I would have thought that person would have been her. We can just let them go and see what happens. I dont plan on meeting a new girl soon or even having sex. i just nned sometime to get over this and focus on myself and my son. I'm not going to wait around for her, I just cant do that. If she wants to come back to me and I havent found anyone then yes, i think i would want to fix it all. But in all honesty with myself, I know that she wont come back. That is that. I wish she'd just say it. You said excatly what I've been trying to tell her: that marriages and serious relationships are work, not something you take off the shelf when you want to play with it and then ignore it. that all our problems are a simple matter of spening more time together. but shes not interested and doesnt feel in love with me anymore. I brought my 50% to the table, I just needed her to bring hers. I would have shown her this depression is at the end, i'm on top of it. But it hurts she just doesnt even want to try. I lost my family, the chance of a daily life with my son. That hurts the most.

I think thats a perfect description!

Thanks for the reply! Its difficult to just let it all go and have no influence over it all. I suggested so many things to give her the space she wants while us still staying together. But I dont think she even wants that. I'm pretty sure its over and start to accept it and then she says something like "if i want a relationship in the future, I hope it will be with you" or she says something like "you're the love of my life". I get so confused that I almost want to scream. But I just say "ok". I DO understand her though. We did get married and have a child young and we did almost shut everyone else out and spent all our time together excluesively. Then six months ago I got a bad depression that just dragged us down. So I understand that she is maybe feeling that all this is too hard at this age, that life shouldnt be like that. I guess in some ways she wants to see is the grass really greenier on the other side. I cant do anything but let her go. If she finds someone else and ends up with them, well then, as much as it would kill me inside, I would just want her to be happy. Its just difficult to drop all this INCASE there is like she said "a really good chance" we will get back together later. But on the other hand, I dont want my life to be in limbo, I need to get over this and start to do that right now if this is fully over.

so my wife wants a break. to live her own life for awhile. I am getting to terms that that is pretty much that though. But I am wondering how do you keep things from just falling down to the level of friends. without constant "i love yous" and just acting like a typical person who has been left. Things that could be done??

You are totally right and I guess I know that thats what I have to do. its just hard to do that when this is a mariage and a family with a small child in the mix and I still have some questions that need to be answered. But I know I gotta just leave them and walk away, let her get her head together and see what happens. I guess I just dont want to be standing at the sideline and do nothing while all this, wife and family, just slides past. Dont want to sit here in 5 years and think "if only I'd done..". The thing is she IS that kind of person, or at least has become that person who needs a lot of reassursances. We spoke yesterday and after we hung up she calls back five mins later really well..sad. I ask whats wrong and she is worried that I'm upset with her, angry at her. For what reason I dont know. I didnt think I was angry, didnt feel like that. Guess in some ways I know shes just out, but sometimes I think shes just not totally out. But you're right, just walk away. If she comes back then great. If not well theres not much point in me beating my head against a brick wall. I guess I'm just surprised that she gave up on this and us and walked away from all this with really no fight or with seeminly really little insterest. Its one thing if it was just us and we came from the same country, but when there is kids involved...I guess I just expected more of a fight for this.

I cant speak for anyone else but when I met my now (maybe soon to be ex)wife, I just knew. I just knew that this was IT. I never felt like that before and neither did she. It was right. I felt like it doesnt matter what happens, we cant ever get lost. I loved spending time with her (still do), just the small things too..like watching her brush her teeth, comb her hair. They are the things I think I would miss the most about her. Seeing the way shed hold my face when I'm down and kiss me and tell me she loves me. Its the joy you get from a person.

if hes straight then what good will it do telling him that?

Ok, its been a week now since my wife told me she didnt want to stay in the marriage and to be honest I'm still as confused as ever as to what to do or where I stand. I need some outside, cold, logical input I think. Anyone we know says "it'll work out" but I cant just listen to that nonstop. So I just thought I'd condense it all into some points and would appreciate anyones opinion. 1. Married, 5 and a bit years. 4 year old son. Met, fell in love. We both felt like and said we were certain this was IT. I still feel that way. until recently we both still said the same thing. That we wanted eachother forever and no one else. 2. Moved to her homecountry from the UK to help her finish her studies. I left a good job and stable lifestyle. Worked pretty meaningless jobs almost around the clock on unpredictable salaries. She had a study loan which mean we had a LOT of money worries. Stress was a big factor. The last six months I started to suffer from depression not knowning what was going to happen in the future with me. became irritable. hard to live with. fought over idiotic things a lot. i hurt her. She says I didnt show her I loved her and that i took her for granted. I just wasnt feeling good about myself and lashed out at her. 3. Everything seemed fine. Never had sexual problems, cuddled, kissed. Nothing seemed wrong. We didnt spend enough time taking care of ourselves as a couple. We either worked/studied/slept/took care of the kid or just watched TV. We didnt do enough things together. Esp in the last year. It couldnt really have been helped with the situation. made plans for the future. A few weeks ago planning on getting a new apartment. Fixed up our apartment now. spent a good deal of money on it. So there was plans, nothing felt odd. 4. Last month we "break up" but are back together after a day. The usual stuff. Then a week ago we get into an argument and thats it. She drops it "I dont want to do this anymore. I dont think i have those feelings for you anymore." The 'ol "love you but not in love with you" thing. Fast and quick. I asked if there was someone else (due to the speed of it) she swears there is not. I tell her that this is what marriage and long term relationships are: hard work. we have to work on it. we havent. we need to fix that. spend more time together. I said I had felt like I didnt love her either at times, like I wasnt attracted to her. But it was stress and resentment of the situation that was the problem - not her. I askedif it could be the same thing. She said she doesnt know or maybe doesnt think so. 5. Her reasons are more or less stated above. She added that she needs to spend time living alone. That she never had that. She needs to have a life without worrying about another person and if they will get angry for some reason. She needs to focus on her.She says meeting me turned her life upsidedown, she got married and had kids which is something she always thought she'd never do. She wants to be able to go away on trips with her friends, not worry about someone who will say something againist it (I never have actually! the money has though). heres the bit thats got me confused 6. She says its over. Then still calls me by our "petname". She didnt appreciate me calling her by her real name and not the "petname". She doesnt think there is any rush with divorce. She hasnt really told anyone. She says we're soulmates. Go real well together. I'm the love of her life. That sooner or later theres a very big chance we end up together again. That if she wants a relationship in the future, she hopes it will be with me. We still had sex, kissed and she still says "I love you". I todl her I bought her flowers but they'll be dead when she gets back, but she was (at least seemed) real happy about it. She knows I was depressed and thats why I was the way i was. This has been going on for a few months she says, about as long as I was depressed, but she still loved me and wanted to be with me up until a couple of weeks ago. She loves me and cares for me more than anyone. But shes not sure if she loves me in "that" way. I tell her that its probably built up resentment over the last few months because I was an ahole. You cant love someone that much for so many years and suddenly stop. She has been away a few days now and even thugh says its over has called me twice a day. For what reason, your guess is as good as mine. 7. I've tried a lot now. Told her how much i love her. Told her that i know I messed up but that I always meant what i said - I want to be with her forveer. I love her more than anything. That all this woke me up from my depression like a sledgehammer. Showed me what was important and what was not! She seems unsure. Not there but not out. I ask what she wants to do. Says to me that if we stay together now we wont last six more months. She wants to live alone for anything up to a year and then see what happens, that we could try to fix it then. That thats our best chance to stay together. Shes not interested in having a relationship. Not even thinking about a man. In my I guess, paranoid state, I guess that means she's not ruling out meeting someone else in that time. She says she is worried that the last few weeks she does see men that she thinks look attractive and would do something with (i.e. sex) if she was available. Still tells any man that comes up to her shes married and has a kid. This happened latest, last week. I todl her is perfectly natural to see who is attractive or not. She says its worrying. She didnt do that with me before for the last six years. I took that a little badly. She says it came out wrong and I shouldnt get hung up on that. Told her I could do this break thing depending how we did. If we are doing it for the good of our relationship then I'll of course wait around and do whatever it takes to fix this. We BOTH agree that we DO have something special and that all of our problems are fixable. But shes not sure if she wants to fix them. I dont get that. I want us to live separate for a few months and see eachother as boyfriend/girlfriend. doing things for OUR relationship and not the "family". I dont want it to be about the daily humdum of life and kids. We both fell very deeply for eachother and stayed that way for years until i started to develope depression, so I dont see why we wont feel like that again. If only she has some faith in me, trusts me and lets me back into her heart. I'm worried that she has shut me out and that thats for good. it makes me sad because I really dont think that we should waste what we have because of a few bad months and problems that are easily fixable. I wonder if she is just not mature enough for this marriage (Im not trying to be smart or mean, I seriously think that). 8. some of her reasons are (and all related to my depression): I make her feel uneasy because I get angry too easy. I cant take one day at a time and worry and stress too much. She is nervous when she comes home incase Im real down and angry. Worried that I will critise her (ok, i do when we argue, she does the same to me). She says she's always tired because I want to talk at night and she needs to sleep to get up with our son (this happened occasionly. I work a lot of nights or sometimes days and nights in a row without sleep - I'm tired. My depression also made me feel so bad sometimes that i couldnt get out of bed. I am wrong here. I told her that that depression is gone. I'm dealing with it.) and (I think) that because of all this and this resentment that she says she's not in love with me "like that" anymore. That she doesnt find me as attractive as she did before. I told her I felt the same about her. Sometimes for weeks on end, but that its the situation that makes you feel like that. Plus the fact that we dont DO anything TOGETHER! we dont spend time together as a couple. She always tells me how she LOVES to go out with me, that she has soooo much fun out with me. And I tell you that anytime, even uptil VERY recently, when she goes out (or when we did manage to get out together), she always comes home wanting sex from me and telling me how sex has never been better with anyone else ever. She says our bodies fit perfectly. So this not attracted thing is very recent. Well i think thats the main body of it. The details are scattered around the "breakup" section of the forum. But in all honesty, I'm confused. I dont want to walk away from a perfectly good marriage that had some problems that could be fixed. We didnt cheat on eachother, we dont kill eachother..its just smaller things. I want to make it clear that i am NOT using my depression as an excuse for anything. But that when I was at my worst, that its just NOT me. I couldnt go out to meet friends, I couldnt get out of bed. I didnt even feel like taking a shower. I had a hard time even concentrating on ANYTHING. I felt bad, worried, i felt no good. It all spiraled out of control. I let it get that way, and I didnt know how to handle it. But I am on top of it now. I cant lose my family over that. I think I am a little angry now though that because of this she wants to end everything. Its times like that, when you feel worst, that you need your spouse/girlfriend/whatever to be there for you the most. Not as an exuse. I have made all this sacrifice for her to get what she wants. I have stood by her and our relationship through times when most people would have ran a thousand miles away. I always loved her. I always will. Please, if someone can take the time to read this and tell me if they have some advice or ideas. I dont know what to do now. I feel like I cant do anymore than just be there for her. But i dont want to sit around either if this really is the end. I dont know if I should keep showing her how much I love her, how sorry I am and how I know that 98% of our problems was me and that depression. She even agreed with me on that. But I dont know, i think she is too scared now of getting hurt again, that it will all go back the same. Has she just shut me out of her heart?

Good for you!! Glad it all worked out! I wish this wasn't the exception of the rule

sorryjason, man..that story si the same as mine. Right up until the day she told me that our marriage was over (she hasnt used the "D word" just yet though) everything seemed perfectly normal! We had sex, kissed, cuddled, told eachother the I love yous..all that normal things we did. Then one little fight about something ridculous and out it comes: "i dont want to do this anymore...I dont have those feelings left for you". Bam! Six years of marriage and a young family is shot down! She hasnt even really spoken about it and almost acts like its not happened (shes still saying its done). It took her a few days to tell her mother even though she was with her for those days after. I think women are certainly the stronger sex when it comes to things like emotions and relationships. they have that power, I dont know what it is. If I'm being honest this is the first woman to dump me in my life and I dont remember any of my ex's (bar one) that went as depressed as I am. Maybe its due to the gravity of the situation (marriage & kids) or just the fact that it came out of nowhere...I dont know anymore. It's ben a week now (we havent actually dicussed anything yet, shes on a small vacation..thanks for dropping this on me the night before you leave! and i was actually looking forward to seven days here alone! LOL!) and I'm in such a state of confusion while she seems as calm as ever.

I think it all depends how things end. I think a lot of people in long term relationships start to feel like the love is gone when things get comfortable and when something rocks the boat a little they feel like "well I'm not even sure about this whole thing anyway, so adios!". They realise later that the grass isnt always greener on the other side and that they did have things good before. They realise that they did love the person but it had matured beyond the first months feeling. I really think that a lot of relationships, especially those long term and people in their late 20s and early 30s are in are given up far too easily. Of course if there is something seriously wrong, like the other partner is abusive, violent, or in some other way effecting things negatively for a long period of time, breaking up is completely healthy. I dont even want to start to second guess every reason why my wife is having serious doubts about our marriage or her feelings for me. It would drive me insane and I still will be no where closer to knowing what is going on. I think the best thing to do in a situation like that is just leave the person alone. If its meant to be, it will be.

sounds very much like my own story. I guess we're in the same boat so to speak. I suggest just letting her alone for awhile. Sounds to me like she would come back but I think you have to show her that you will and have changed. Not to just tell her but show it. Maybe go out together some weekend..do that for awhile. That is what I am hoping we will do durning this "seperation".

yeah mate, I guess its totally normal. My marriage is pretty much over now and the thought of getting togethger with another woman is well far from my mind and I dont think its anything I will want for quite sometime. I guess you end up with a lot of commiment issues after you come out of a long term and serious relationship, you lose something that cant be replaced. about the dumpers. I doubt they feel as bad as we do. They have been probably and in most cases thinking about it for awhile and have had a few more weeks to get used to the idea. plus if they do it, then that means thats what the wanted to do. I do find it amusing though that most people who dump someone at some point sooner or later they end up trying to get back together or having some contact.

well the update..a little earlier than expected. My wife called me again from her vacation with our son and we spoke about other things first. I wasnt going to bring it up. But we started to talk about it eventually and I told her that i loved her, told her that I was sorry that this depression had got such a grip on me for the last six months and that all this had made me snap out of things faster than a bolt of lightening. Made me see what is important and whats not. That a dark spiral was destroying that thing which was the most important to me. She listened to me and understood but in many ways I think its just gone too far for her. I dont know. She said she has a lot of problems of her own to deal with that she needs to alone to deal with them. She said that meeting me turned her life upsidedown. She was always adament that she would never marry and probably never have children, but she wanted both we me and we did both. She wants to live on her own for awhile, anything up to a year. Of course, i want this to work. She said that if we stay together now we probably wont last another six months but if we separate then theres a better chance that we will make it. In one sense I of course wnat that. I want her to feel better and if she alone can do this then so be it. I listened to everything she said and told her how I felt honestly. That it all depends how we do this and what the reasons for doing this are. If we are doing this for our benifit for the benifit of our relationship, if we stay together throughout this and do things as a couple who doesnt live together then i think it could all work out really great. But on the other hand, if we do this and consider ourselves split up and have contact only about our son then I have a great fear that she will just either not want this anymore, meet someone else or just decide that she prefers to be alone. I know it sounds selfish but I love her and I want to be with her and I dont think that any of our problems are not solvable. But i guess she feels differently. A short back as a month ago she told a girlfriend that we would more than likely always be together. But not she is not sure of anything. I know that if I love her I should and have to let her go and do this and well, if she decides thats that or meets someone else then thats just the way it goes and there is nothing i can do about it. I get the feeling that she does want to end this but that she is scared of making a mistake. She does know that we had things great but I think she also remembers the last six months were I've been down as hell and lashing out at the smallest thing. But she is like that, a person who once she makes her mind up, then there isn't much me or anyone else can do to change it. She knows where I stand now. I guess the ball is in her court so to speak. I can only be there for her if she needs me, show her that I am sorry and that I do love her. But other than that, well...I'm not about to bully her into anything or drag her into something she isnt 100% into. I think its about time I just accepted that this is over. Sad as it is. I lost someone that was so special to me because of depression and because I couldnt relax in the situation I was in. Because I couldnt break out of something that was dragging me down. Thats hard to deal with. Knowing that she loves me, that she fell so deeply in love with me and stayed that way for over 5 and a half years only to have it all destroyed in six months because that just was NOT me, I could see it and I really wish and though she could.. I always thought we were stronger than that. But i guess she just had enough. Probably thought it would never end and at some point just gave in. Anyone have some advice on this? about what we or I should do? I really dont know what to do now except leave it and accept that this is finished.