luciole

No need to get upset, folks. It was most certainly not a game. It was a very real, long, strange, and difficult story. I was touched to read this post when I came accross it. I won't go into the details of what happened, but I will say that this tale does have a happy ending. He did move halfway accross the country to be with me, and we have lived together for over a year now. I've never been happier.

I know it's an old post. But when I found it, I had to say something. I'm the girl he was talking about...

You should definitely NOT have gone to see this girl. Kind of sounds like a manipulating * * * * * , if you ask me - playing head games with you for her own amusement. What's all this "I love you, I love you not" crap?! Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she and her guy are both in on it, to see how far the can string you along. Forget her, man! Oh, and whatever you do, definitely do NOT move halfway accross the country, leaving your life behind, to be with her.

I agree with you that time apart would be very helpful; however, I'm not in a situation where I can just walk out at my convenience. We live together, have joint finances and expenses, and share everything we own. To separate myself from that would involve a long and messy process. I can't just take a couple of months off from my life to collect my thoughts, though I often wish I could. I'm thinking about buying a plane ticket and flying somewhere random for a few days, to just be alone and think about everything. I've heard that can be helpful.

You're right about it being confusing, to myself included. I thought that by writing it out and seeing what others had to say I could make some sense of it. Not surprisingly, I'm still all over the place and others seem to be getting frustrated as well. I already know all the should-s and shouldn't-s; knowing them doesn't give me an iota of peace though. I dont know what I'm realistically expecting in this situation, my whole problem seems sort of nebulous and hard to define, so it's probably only fair to stop trying to figure it out using a bunch of convoluted sentences. Emotions never happen according to plan anyway, at least mine don't. But I appreciate that people will take time out of their day to offer advice to perfect strangers.

I'd also like to address this: I didn't say I go from relationship to relationship, I said I need a change of scenery; meaning versatility and spontaneiety, breaks in routine. I didn't mean to imply that I have trouble staying with one person. I'm not bored because I'm in a serious monogamous relationship, I'm restless because I keep looking out beyond it, and wishing for a different sort of contact I can't have.

Ultimately, what I want is to have F's friendship back. He remains very important to me and not having him feels like there is a large gap in my life. It's been suggested that it's not the person himself that I miss, but the emotional upheaval and unpredictability he provides - I disagree. I miss the one-of-a-kind rapport I had with him, our very unique connection. I miss my friend. My whole self-imposed abstinence from contact with him sometimes feels ridiculous - obviously wanting something I can't have makes it only that much more desirable. Staying friends with your ex is not uncommon, but staying friends with an ex you had an emotional affair with - is. It was a matter of taking responsibility and "doing the right thing". But it's not easy to live with.

I already know what is it about me that makes me react this way: my past with F. And my inability to move on, to embrace what I have, and not focus on what I don't. I WANT to be happy with K, I know I won't find anybody else like him. My question is: how do I exorcise the ghost of my ex? For a brief time after K found out about our conversations I continued to talk to F, explained the situation, and we tried to make sense of it together. It seemed that just those benign communications were enough to give me a boost. I didn't want anything more, but knowing that he was always on the other end of the line sustained me. But it was hurting my boyfriend, understandibly, and even though he never asked me to, I stopped talking to F. Since then his absense has become a presense in his own right - I crave our connection like a narcotic. That's what I came here seeking advice for.

DN, while I agree with you that the interest of your partner should be tantamount to your own in a relationship, I don't agree that you should live solely for the other person and think ONLY of them. After all, aren't healthy relationships give and take? K is aware that I have my doubts about what I want, we've talked about it, but he understands that it's my inherent nature. I know it's uncomfortable for a guy who has his mind all made up about what he wants, and a neat timeline of when he wants it - to deal with a fence sitter like myself, but he knows that's who he fell in love with in the first place. Traveling together has been great (we both live to travel), and it's a welcome distraction from the routine. When we get back though, The adventure is over, it's business as usual, and I'm back in limbo. That's why I'm beginning to think it may just be the wrong time in my life to be settling down (I'm in my early 20s), even if the situation is ideal. I am just so desperately afraid of living with regret.

Hope, I do feel secure and comfortable with K - I can be myself, but that doesn't mean he "gets" me. We just operate too differently. So, even if we can see the others' point of view, and respect our differences, we can never "vibe" like I did with F. To Lexicon and DN - I DO love him, very much. I appreciate him and respect him. It's just a very friendly, even, comfortable emotion, and nothing about our relationship is challenging and exciting. He tells me that I am the best thing in his life and that he would rather have no one else, so I'm not exactly clinging to him out of selfishness. In fact, if there was doubt on his part, it would be MUCH easier to make a decision. But I respect him and our mutual life, the investment he's made over the course of this relationship, so I want to be absolutely certain about any decision before I make one. I don't want him to end up broken-hearted and me - a tangle of regrets, like it happened with F. I wish I knew of a way to simply dispose of that desire. I don't want to lose K, but don't want to lead a tepid, comfortable life. And I don't know how to reconcile the two.

Hope, Thank you for your very sensible response. I don't want a romantic relationship with F anymore; he, like me, is restless and unstable, and it would never be healthy for either. Intellectually, I realize that. But I think about him ceaselessly because we had a connection that I never shared with anyone. It was so profound, it was almost surreal. I don't have it with K, or anyone else, and without it I feel like an awkward outsider, lonely and misunderstood, which is scary, when you're in a relationship. No amount of stability and security makes up for that feeling when someone "gets" you. F is the only one who understood my essense, and I would do anything to have that vibe back. It was just exhilirating, and filled me with a passion for life. I know K would not have stood in the way of me cultivating a friendship with F, but in screwing up I dug my own grave. I can't have them both anymore. But I can't stop longing and craving and missing.

On the surface, it must seem like I'm a spoiled brat, bored and lacking a challenge. I have been in a two and a half year relationship with an amazing guy, the likes of which I never thought existed, let alone hoped to snatch. He is the textbook definition of the "perfect man", and he has dedicated his life to making me happy. We own our house, go on vacations, gaze at the heavens through our telescope, and throw great parties. He is remarkably intelligent, handsome, plays the sax, and makes his own spices. Most women I know would kill to have my life. But, despite all that, my heart is just not in it. It's a classic case of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". It seems that over the last year or so, my excitement level about this relationship has dwindled down to a near zero, although nothing has changed on the surface. I'm starting to think that I may just not be cut out for this whole "domestic bliss" gig. I've always been more of a tumbleweed, seeking a constant change of scenery. I always THOUGHT that all I wanted was to be loved and cherished, but now that I have that, I keep looking out beyond. My boyfriend K and I got together about a month after I broke up with F, someone I was insanely in love with. That previous relationship was a contstant emotional turmoil, a long-winded, long-distance affair. I had thought that F was The One, nothing ever felt so right in my life, but he was just not ready to commit. K saw me through the initial shock of that break up, we became close friends and confidants, and after a few weeks of fantastic dates I was hooked. For the next year and a half we lived happily. Life settled into a sort of comfy domestic routine and I didn't question it. Around last Thanksgiving F resurfaced again. We started talking (online) casually at first, until he revealed that he's regretted letting me go and admitted to making the most terrible mistake of his life. And the more we talked the more candid he became, opening up for the first time about his own emotional struggles, the aftermath of our breakup. He seemed to be drowning in his own pain. It seems corny as I type it... I suppose these things always do in retrospect, but from there things got increasingly messier. I was torn between my current steady, normal life, and the rollercoaster that was F. My mind was in shambles, I could not believe the torrent of emotion that was released when this happened. I couldn't eat or sleep and started wasting away. To make this story shorter... K found out about our conversations, about my doubts, etc. He told me that if I wasn't happy, he didn't want me. The man that seemed a given constant in my life suddenly became uncertain. It terrified me senseless. I made all kinds of apologies, swore off everything I had said to F, and vowed to focus only on us from now now. I cut off ties with F, cold turkey, we haven't spoken in months. Slowly, life got back to normal. To everyone around us, we are the IT couple, an object of admiration. Yet I feel a total lack of passion, in every respect of my life, restless, and filled with longing. I can't stop thinking about F. I want him back, not even as a lover, but just as a fixture in my life, a presense. Only he stimulates me emotionally and fills me with a zest for living. Only with him I feel connected. But I know a friendship with him is socially unacceptable. And I keep questioning my future with K. I don't know if I can spend my life with someone I see as more of a dear friend and domestic partner than anything else. We share interests, and goals, have each others' respect. But I don't know if the almost-platonic love I feel for him will be enough to make my life complete. This seems too sensitive of an issue to discuss in our social circle, so I was hoping strangers would offer me a clue. Thanks for reading.