Jump to content

confusedmama

Bronze Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    263

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

 Content Type 

Everything posted by confusedmama

  1. confusedmama
    I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with this. I also deal with on a weekly basis. I continue to hope it will get better, but so far I've had little luck. In the beginning I did as you are-telling very little to the kids and no bad mouthing their father. I still stick to the no bad-mouthing but I have started telling the truth when they come to me with statements he has made. It is still difficult for me to do this, but I do feel they need to know the truth ( and I try really reallly hard not to be sarcastic or self-rightous when I tell them). Good luck. It would be nice if ALL adults could act like adults, especially when dealing with their children. But sometimes my ex is more childish than the boys.
  2. confusedmama
    WOW you are a fantastic person, but remember you can't change all his problems quickly. If you haven't had him tested by a neurologist, then by all means do so, but over all I think patience is the main thing. As good as you are you can't wipe out all that neglect in 6-8 months. He was neglected over half his life and I've heard it said that for every day there is an injury it will take 2 days of recovery. Keep doing what you are doing and loving him as you are and take it day by day. I'm sure the frustration must be difficult for you but imagine what it is for him. He is also, as you know, hitting those "terrific two's" where he will be testing and pushing limits and seeing if your boundaries are secure enough for him to be safe in your love. I absolutely LOVE this age child!! Be strong, be patient, be loving and know you are doing a great thing!!
  3. confusedmama
    I also am a single mom, I have 3 boys 12,9 & 5 and have 2 other boys living with me now 6 & 2, the house is NEVER on slow down, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Although there never seems to be enough time to work, play, eat, homework, or relax somehow we get most of it accomplished. And still find time for board games, movie night but most importantly love and snuggles. I feel fortunate that my children are not afraid or embarrassed to hug, kiss or tell me (or me tell them) I love you both at home and in public. Just yesterday my 5 year old popped up after dinner and said "You know what time it is? It's mommy snuggle time!!" And proceeded to jump into my lap and bury his face in my neck. It doesn't get any better than that
  4. confusedmama
    If both your names are on the house loan, in order to re-finance to get your name off the loan the house will have to be re-appraised. In most states appraisals over 6mths are not considered correct. A loan officer could probably give you better advise as far as appraisals and housing info go. When I went through my divorce I had to pay to get the house appraised 2x because of the elapsed time between the 1st and when the divorce was final.
  5. confusedmama
    The only way counselling works is if you are completely honest and put it all on the table-if the counselor sees her anger at you it actually may help him/her to help your situation. Most good counselors see through the act of people but you have to be open & honest I'm sorry you are having to go through this instead of relaxing but in the long run it may make your life better and more relaxing. Just hang in there.
  6. confusedmama
    I would hate to see a relationship of 10 years and 2 children go away because the "spark" isn't there. It must have been there to begin with or you wouldn't have gotten together. Maybe take a trip back in your memory as to what made it good in the beginning. You don't have to repeat those things but it might give you an idea of what is "missing" in the relationship. As women we enjoy the little things that men do to make our lives easier, communication and actually listening to what we say (and sometimes don't say) mean a lot and go a long way to helping our feelings return. Did you used to buy her flowers, little cards, things to let her know she is important to you-not just the mom, housekeeper, etc-maybe you can start these up again and NOT stop after a while. It takes WORK to make a relationship strong. I agree communication is a BIG part of it. SHe needs to know you are listening to her and care about her needs-not just lip service, not saying that you do that but it is a problem most of us have (myself included at times) YOU can't FAKE it, you have to want to give her the thinkgs she needs and you are the only one who can decide if you WANT to give her that. Is your marriage worth it? Are your kids worth it? Just like you had to practice in sports (and I know) you have to practice these traits also. JUST DO IT
  7. confusedmama
    Time for me?? And how did you guess I love slots? Last summer I actually did set aside some time and $ and went out with friends when he had the boys, but then when school started and the $$ stopped my life skidded to an abrupt halt. I am trying to put some $$ away for the boys & I to go somewhere this summer, hopefully with sand, sun and a pink drink with a pretty umbrella even if only for a couple of days. and I think once the family who is living with me finishes their house and I get my house back on the weekends I don't have the boys and can do some low-key entertaining, cards/board games, pot-luck dinners, I will feel much more human. Right now, there isn't enough space for more people to even come and visit for a period of time-over 2 hours-and I am very much a people person. Hopefully, when I am getting child support regularly-although I'm afraid to depend on it-and can get the bills down to a reasonable pile I can again start to go out dancing and doing what I enjoy. I do know that it is important to look out for me, I just have problems dong it-typical mom I think
  8. confusedmama
    I am trying very hard to get my bills in order so I won't need his money, unfortunately because of the arrearage I now have $3000 of credit card debt and because he refused to sign the "quit-claim" deed on the house so I could re-finance in a timely manner my interest rate went up and I got locked into a 2yr pre-payment penalty so I can't even re-finance again to get the rates lowered. As of right now, even with getting the card paid off, until I get my lawyer fees paid and my children out of child care my $$ is totally spent before I see a dime of it. We do nothing extra-I'm struggling to figure out how to pay for the boys to play little league baseball and hoping against hope that they will badger him enough this weekend to take them to sign ups so he will have to pay. Unfortunately, with public education my yearly raises sometimes don't happen and when they do the increase is usually eaten by an increase in insurance premiums. I am working on my master's so hopefully, yes in a about 5 years I can move up the ladder a little further-its a game and I'll have to see if I can play by the unwritten rules to get ahead. I haven't said anything to the boys about their dad and the games he is playing. I've only begun to tell them to ask their dad for the extra's, such as the yearbook orders, the book orders, etc. If he won't do it, I'll find a way somehow. And I know that even without my saying anything the boys know what is what. They are so resilient and so much of my life revolves around what is right for them. I guess that is what hurts the most out of this-how can their father not feel the same way and want to do what is right for his kids???? To hell with what you feel for me, do what is right for the boys. Thanks for your responses and suggestions please keep them coming.
  9. confusedmama
    My job hasn't changed and actually I'm doing what I went to school to do, it doesn't involve many late late nights-I'm an athletic trainer at a high school which means whenever there is a sporting event at home I'm required to be at school-I'm usually home between 9-9:30. Except football season and then it can be at late as midnight on Friday nights. But my children normally come with me to work-and what better place to spend an evening for boys that watching a sporting event at the local high school? The court order doesn't address working, I assumed (apparently wrongly) that it meant when going out of town for an overnight or an entire day that I should give him first right of refusal, which if he didn't refuse he would try to use against me in court as saying I am unable to watch my children. These are the games he plays. As far as support, when he went 6 months without paying for his children I did nothing until 3 months had passed-in which time he was collecting unemployment and officiating games and getting paid cash, of which he paid nothing for the children. If he would have made an effort, any effort, I wouldn't have pursued the support, but he did the same thing before we were divorced but working within a mediation agreement and while he still had a job. He has had 17 jobs in the 16years we've been together so this is a habit for him. I refuse to take up his slack any longer. He has the responsiblity to take care of his kids-that is part of being a "good father". It isn't all fun and games. We have been to mediation 3x and it hasn't worked-the rules don't apply to him. If I didn't need his money, believe me I wouldn't ask for it-or it would go to the college fund, but..... because of the way we worked our finances together I am paying for his car, my van, all the expenses of raising the boys for the past 2 years with basically no financial help from him. I have tried to be fair, I've tried to be forgiving, I feel all I do gets shoved back in my face. I know he misses his children, and I could be really nasty and b*tchy here, but I really wish he would grow up and move on. He controlled me for over 15 years, he can't do it any longer except like this and hopefully soon I can get to a point financially where he won't even be able to do it that way.
  10. confusedmama
    I thought I was finished with court, but no I was served today for a court date on Fri. I am so angry with my ex I could just spit nails. Some recent background info... After the divorce was final, he stopped paying child support(because he lost his job-his own doing but I can''t prove it) I had him brought up in court and finally after 4 months of none got it through the state. When we finally got to court with this item the judge only made him pay $500 of the $2500 he was in arrears and lowered his payments by $300 a month. I have $20.00 left at the end of the month. In the meantime-he files to have custody changes for him to get the kids 50% of the time-1week at his house & 1 week at mine. I petition to have a guardian ad litem appointed for the kids, we went to court on this on the 31st of Jan. The judge ruled that visitation/custody would remain the same, except for the fact that he now gets the boys only 1 week a month in the summer instead of every other week. My doing because he has no vacation with his new job and I don't want my children left alone. I believe that he filed this to not pay child support ( and the lawyers actually think this also-mine & the boys). SO now this, he is trying to get me on not following a court order for not calling him and offering him the boys every time I have to work late. I currently have another family living with me waiting for their house to be completed so on the nights I have to work late they watch the kids so the boys could be in their home in their beds etc... While I realize it is all about control I can NOT afford to keep running back to court because of his need to control my life. I keep thinking I'm finished with him-I can handle it as a business arrrangement and then he just keeps pulling this crap over and over. I AM TIRED:sad:
  11. confusedmama
    I guess I am on the other side of this equation. I am trying to collect child support from my ex. and I can tell you, that while he thinks it is too much and just got it reduced, what he was paying barely covered 1/4 of the expenses of his/our children. Your child is worth what the child support may be and he needs to know that you support him, financially and otherwise. Our children should not suffer because of the mistakes we make as parents in our relationship with one another. You could treat your child support as a fund for the future, have it removed from your monthly income BEFORE you get a chance to spend it and thereforeeee your budget doesn't include the money that goes toward your child. Of course it is cheaper to keep one household but only monetarily, not emotionally and money comes and goes. It is more difficult to repair emotions than to go make more money. If you choose to get involved again you and your significant other will possibly have to make some sacrifices for you to support your son, but in my opinion, that is what parents do-we sacrifice for our children, it is our job. I agree with Ash, you need to look at allowing her to remove your child out of the country. A child needs his father in his life!! More than just every 2 years, are you OK with your wife taking him? This is something to fight over, not child support. If there is no way to keep them in the country, then she should have to share the expense of visistation so you can be with your son.
  12. confusedmama
    Sorry for your pain, but it gives me hope that you are feeling this pain. The fact that you are willing, and hopefully, able to give up porn for your marriage is good news. You don't say how long or often you have viewed porn and I'm not trying to pry, but this is a great indicator as to how hard or easy this task will be. Porn can become an addiction and as such it is extremely difficult to follow through on all the good intentions. Please get to the root of this with your therapist if you think this may be an issue. From experience, I ask that you be totally honest with your wife from this moment on. She will want to know, and has a right to know, if you have looked again-it is a trust factor and while it sounds simple and easy-it is a MAJOR issue in your relationship. I know I felt that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, sexual enough because if I was he wouldn't have been looking. You will need to reassure your wife you find HER attractive but you also have to be extemely careful in the timing & wording so she doesn't feel that you are just saying it to make her feel better. She needs to believe in you and this will take time. There is no quick fix just honesty and communication. While there were many other issues in my marriage, the fact that he would NOT give up the porn and lied about it over and over was a deal breaker. I commend you on wanting to work this out and being willing to put your marriage first. GOOD LUCK!!
  13. confusedmama
    I am in total agreement with all others, you need to move on with your life!! You cannot parent your parents, that is not your job. Actually, they have been unfair to you to get you sooo mixed up in their problems that you would even consider staying in NC and not moving forward. I can also feel where you ar coming from, my parents divorced when I was a junior in college after my mother stayed with my dad "for the sake of the kids" after he had affairs on her. She also could never forgive or forget and in some repects she still hasn't and it has been 17 years since they divorced. While I know it is difficult to you, being the peacemaker was always my job too, if you don't distance yourself I am afraid you will be damaging the way you deal in relationships. I am just now discovering how my past with my parents have influenced how I deal in relationships now. I am having to relearn many aspects of this.
  14. confusedmama
    thanks to all-especially Mike! You gave some really good advice and although I have contacted my sons therapist and their teachers to hear it echoed through someone else definitely helps!!! And I really like the idea of turning all the questions back on him for the answers, such as school supplies and clothes etc. I have pulled all the back financial info and I'm trying to get it dated so I can ask the VERY specific details. And while I realize the child support & custody are or should be 2 separate issues, in the state of VA the amount of child support is ratioed directly to how much time is spent with each parent. I am really not after his money, i want him to stand up and accept the responsiblity of his children stop looking for ways to dodge it. Mike, it sounds as if you have been through a bunch, but it also sounds as if you are working toward finding yourself and making yourself the type of person you want to be and that is fantastic. I know, personally, going through this crap has definitely changed me and I hope it is for the better. I can almost find myself. I am discovering where I stand on things and how to say what I think/feel. I think the more you expose yourself to social situations and tell yourself ahead of time what you are going to be up front about and set a boundary with yourself the easier you will find it to be in relationships. I know I had to do just that and it is getting easier, not that I'm a pro, but it's getting easier! Right now, the fear of the unknown is driving me to distraction. I can get some things accomplished but then I have to fall back and re-group. I am trying NOT to become bitter or vindictive at my ex because I know from my parents divorce, it carries over into the life I have with my children and I REFUSE to do that!! My boys know I love them unconditionally and would go to the ends of the earth for them, I can only hope that the "impartial" persons involved will see that too.
  15. confusedmama
    I am unsure where he will get the money-although having paid only 6 months of support in the past 18 months he should have some stashed away. I don't know if his mother is helping him, his father passed away last year and his step-mother is extremely angry with his actions and lack of support. She actually sends everything for the boys to me, she says that way she knows they get it. I am trying to make a list of people for the guardian ad litem to speak to-a lawyer to specifically represent the kids-about custody. I'm thinking all their teachers, the oldest's therapist, etc. but I don't know if that is what they do or even if there will be time for that. I guess I am just afraid because I feel the judge really didn't hear what I said on Wed. and if it goes that way again my kids just get stuck in the middle. And as I said, they are FINALLY getting back on track and feeling some stabilty it shows in their behavior and their physical actions toward me and others. I get calls on their behavior after they spend a weekend with their dad, what would happen if it was an entire week? Quite honestly, if it would screw my kids up sooooo badly I'd like him to see the exact cost of raising the kids-childcare, food, fieldtrips, school supplies, clothes. He has no clue, he has never done it. He was getting off easy before the judge lowered his payments, let alone now. I hate to gripe about $$ but when it isn't available it is hard to see past those issues. I really wish I made enough to not ask him for a dime, to him it is still his way of controlling us and it does a damn good job.
  16. confusedmama
    I don't feel I am being petty. I have been the bigger person through the past 3 years of this ongoing crap. I cannot make it without his help, I don't make enough money to support myself & the boys, believe me I wish I did. The past six months have been agonizing-pay for electric or food-in the end I did both but only by putting groceries on the credit card. My parents have paid for the new shoes, clothes, school supplies,etc that children need. I am an adult, with a college education, I shouldn't need to have my parents pay for anything!!! I guess I don't like being judged as petty for determining that he wants them so he doesn't have to pay-I know this man. The fact that he has NEVER asked for joint physical custody until I filed with the state to have the child support-ordered by the court-taken from his check makes me question his motive. His past behavior also leads to this decision, his need for control, his verbal/emotional abuse toward me & the boys, the porn addiction, the affairs, the fact that he has had 4 jobs in the past 3 years, each job paying LESS than the one before. I agreed to joint custody, with me having primary physical custody because I believe that the boys need him in their life. I have not said anything to the boys about him or his lack of support. I refuse to bad-mouth him to them, they will make their own decisions about him. What is best for the boys is stability, studies show that most kids do not do well when shuffled back and forth between parents whether the parents get along or not. I am not bitter, I am honest and yes right now I am angry at both the judge and at my ex. I want the best for my children I work hard to be certain that they are fed, clothed & loved unconditionally.
  17. confusedmama
    Haven't been here in a while, I don't have internet access at home any longer so it makes foruming difficult. As a catch up-divorce was final in March-but ex refused to sign the papers until July. Thought that after the judge ruled he would get the picture NOT. He paid child support until June and then paid nothing else until I went to the state to have it withheld from his check-hard to raise 3 boys without help from their dad. We just went back to court and the judge forgave $2000 of the $2500 he owed.WOW that made me so MAD!! And then she dropped the monthly amount by $300. The problem now is he is taking me to court because he wants joint physical custody ( 1 week at his house/1 week at my house). He is doing this because he wants to pay no child support-he didn't file this until I took the money from his check. After what happened in court last time I am soooo afraid of him getting the boys
  18. confusedmama
    I am taking serious time for myself. I am not out looking for a man or men. I am doing some serious searching to see who I really am. As i said before, I know I am not ready for a real relationship there are a lot of issues I am still working on, such as my self-esteem. And while I believe I am good enough, when things continue to get re-enforced as to the "old" way of thinking it makes all the new harder to believe. That is why I had to work it out and why I've been wavering back & forth I do appreciate others thoughts/suggestions/advice. Sometimes it helps to have others put into words what I am thinking or to help me see the other side and what I am missing. Thanks
  19. confusedmama
    I think that after some major searching I've figured out why this is bugging me. This is a replay of my marriage. So while I know what to expect and how to handle it, it comes back to my self-esteem. At times I wonder if this is all I was meant to be a "booty call". And then after the messages I received in my marriage I have to wonder if I'm a good "booty call". I really think that is the bottom line as to why I am/was/could consider this "relationship" to prove once & for all that I can do something well. Wow, I don't think I even realize how shot my self esteem was/is. I know people say there are good relationships out there but I can honestly say i don't think I have ever had one.
  20. confusedmama
    Well, at least I know I'm thinking the same things as the advise I'm being given. The things that have been mentioned are the things that scare me, i.e. wanting commitment, no enjoyment, would I have the guts to end it if it wasn't what I wanted, messiness all that crap. I am also afraid that I would stop looking/wanting a "real" relationship. But then again, it could go "real" (or is that a fantasy?) I like the honesty, as I've said before. I want the s*x. I am an adult, but after 15 years of marriage, this is all new again. I know I don't want a relationship right now, is this simply a stop gap measure (yes sure it is). Do I only want it because I havent had it before? Wow, didn't think I'd go through this again.
  21. confusedmama
    Well, I did ask the guy who wanted to "date" without all the stuff of dating. And I was correct that yes, he basically wants s*x and only s*x with no relationship ties or commitment. In some ways, it would be wonderful (there is a chemistry/attraction that has been there for a couple of years). As a single mom, to get it and send him home before the kids got back and not have to worry about conflict with my kids would be nice. He is also a single parent & has had custody of his son for 13 years so he knows/understands that I don't want to involve my kids in other relationships. After 2 years, this offer looks sooo good. But I did this type of "relationship" in college and while it definitely hit the spot then I'm not sure I can do that again and not have other expectations or fantasies of a future. I guess I find his honesty refreshing. I hate to make decisions. On one hand I want this, really badly. On the other I am scared sh*tless
  22. confusedmama
    itsallgrand.. you hit it right on the head I do want the benfits of a relationship and I don't want the crap of complications,the risks I know are going to be there no matter what. We are not that close of friends, as in we don't hang out together or travel with the same circle of people. So as of right now I don't care about his interests or issues (wow that sounds cold) before my marriage I did OK in this type of relationships, but then I didn't want a soul mate and the men I chose were not ready for that type of relationship either. They also were up front and I knew what I was getting into when I got involved. The biggest problem is that was over 15 years ago. I don't know what my feelings would be at this point in my life. I guess I need to clarify exactly what "fun" is with him. I don't want to be just a "booty call" but I am interested and would enjoy having someone to go out with. Maybe that would help me in my decisions.
  23. confusedmama
    I guess I'm posting here b/c dating is new to me again. I know I'm not willing to introduce someone new to my kids or be in a "serious" relationship. And while it actually sounds like fun and something I might enjoy I guess I'm fighting over the old fashioned ideas of "people shouldn't do that"
  24. confusedmama
    So now that I am officially divorced, I know I am not ready to jump back into a relationship with anybody. I need to finish working on myself, but I have had an "offer" from a man whom I've known for about 5 years. From what I'm reading into this is he doesn't want a relationship and all the "mess" that goes with it, he simply wants to have fun (which although I've been out of the game over 15 years I know means sex). I'm just not sure if I want to start that kind of relationship, although my body is saying yes yes yes. but I think that has more to do with the lack of sex in the past 2 years. I'm just really confused, on 1 hand it seems like the perfect set-up, sex no commitment with someone I know, who knows my busy lifestyle (work, kids) who can be there if i need a date for a function etc. But I know there have to be drawbacks and nothing is as good as it seems and is it just my physical needs talking to me and what happens when one of us (probably me) get too involved. The best part of the offer is the fact he was up front & honest about it. No games, maybe that is part of the desire. I am used to lies and games so it is a nice change? Opinions?
  25. confusedmama
    Well, we finally went to court on Wed. and I am, I guess, "offically" divorced. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. How can you be married to someone for over 15 years and not know them at all? I seem to always underestimate his ability for slimy-ness. The worst part is, I'm not sure I'm relieved. I started the process, he has been a total a**hole to me & the boys, and yet I am having guilt feelings for doing "all" this. WHY???? Why should I feel guilty for him FINALLY having to pay child support, nothta the has done it, for the fact that he may actually have to have a budget to live within and I, in a couple of years, can climb out of the hole of debt I got into just tryng to survive. Why do I feel guilty knowing that if he doesn't pay, he can end up in jail. Shouldn't I simply be jumping up and down and shouting for joy?
×
×
  • Create New...