confusedmama

I just got that reminder from a friend of mine who called. That he is capable of just about anything. Funny how you think you know a person, at least a little bit, and it turns out they are not like anything you ever expected. I did call the phone co. and they didn't even stop service so that was nice. Hopefully the rest will be just as obliging. I knew to expect the ups&downs of emotion, I just didn't expect them to continue for as long as they have. It's amazing how up I can be and then 15 min. later I've bottomed again. I do think that if I weren't so scared then I could level out at little. But it seems that each time I get myself together and stop fearing the unexpected he does something 4x worse than what I could have ever expected. It's a double-edged sword. I really don't want to stop trusting people to do the right thing and I'm afraid that if I stop trusting him (even though I know he's not going to do the right thing) I'll not trust anyone to do the right thing. I don't want to go through life bitter, nasty and untrusting.

He sounds like a sexual/porn addict. The lying, manipulating, covering-up, making himself seem normal, blaming you are all signs of this addiction. I have done much reading and studying as i was, am still at this time, married to one for 15 years. There is nothing you can do to change him, make him realize your pain or even expect him to see there is a problem. As with other addictions, he has to hit rock bottom before he'll look for a way out. Trying to talk to him about your pain will not help you as he will continue to turn the tables and make you feel as if you are the one with the problem. The only way I've started, and by no means am I finished, to forgive is to look at it as a sickness and while he has choices and makes his own decisions I am NOT responsible for those decisions nor for the repercussions that come from bad choices. I don't have to like him and my boundaries have to be up but I can feel sorry for him (when I get past the anger). With the grace of the belief I can't fix it, it's not my job, I can forgive. At least today. Tomorrow may be different, but take it one day at a time, one issue at a time. Forgive yourself first for the relationship then the rest will happen.

Thanks WildChild for the reminder of love. I do know it fixes a multitude of errors. I'm just having to be extremely careful not to take out my issues with their father on them. Especially the oldest, as he seems at times to be identical to his father and I don't want him to behave or believe that way. Case in point, I received an email yesterday stating that he, my almost ex, had called and cancelled the trash pickup, phone service to the house, and I am now going to have to call and pay a re-connect fee. Maybe he should have talked to me first? I had asked him to get his name off those accounts in July and he is now doing it and it seems as if he is doing it behind my back. I also received a message from a finance company about re-financing the house, again he called to set it up. I am really struggling with my self esteem and trying to keep from falling into the pit of depression ( I've got all ten fingernails digging in and holding on to the sides of the pit). It is amazing how one person can have the ability to make you feel all these negative feelings and I can't seem to let people in to help, hard to believe they would want to even if I let them. This endless running in circles, mentally, emotionally, financially is killing me.

I am so tired of playing the waiting game and feeling like I've been manipulated for what was our entire 15 year marriage. These past 2-3 years have simply been a living h*ll. I am now waiting for our court date, not until late Mar., after having re-scheduled and going on good faith (which I should have known better but I'm forever the optimist) that he would pay child support and follow the custody guidelines that took over 2hours to agree to in a 4-way meeting. I am feeling like I am alone in the world except for my children. I am frustrated, tired, lonely, angry and most of all scared. I knew this would not be easy, but again, I thought he would at least show some integrity when it came to the children. I guess this is simply a rant. Any suggestions on how to handle the feelings of rejection and anger would be appreciated.

I can't go to family law courts b/c we have a court date set for March. I am in a circling pattern. We had a court date in Dec. for Family Court to get this straightened out and instead we met to "find a workable arrangement". Well, as you can tell it isn't working. He is telling his lawyer one thing and doing something completely different. My lawyer called this morning and while she didn't approve of the action, she said "possession is 9/10 of the law". If I wasn't so afraid of him taking the boys and not returning them I would probably give in and not back up my decision. But I can't. The last time we got into a "discussion" of visitation he took the kids and refused to answer his door, phone or bring them home. I ended up going to get them and getting shoved in the process. It was NOT pretty and I can't do that again. At least this way if he comes to argue or try to pick them up, I'll have witnesses to his anger and verbal abuse (i'll be at work). I am extremely nervous and afraid of what is going to happen.

We have no divorce decree, he wanted to do this without going to court and so I waited and sent workable, in my opinion, solutions through my lawyer that he refused time after time. He finally got a lawyer and that is when he started paying support. Although it may seem as if it is retailitory, and i guess it is, it is also realistic in that we have nothing in writing giving him visitation. In the state where I live, with no papers stating otherwise, whoever has physical custody is the one in charge of the kids, in other words the police can do nothing if i refuse visitation. I know it won't look good before a judge and I think that is my problem, but I also know I can't allow him to walk all over me anymore. He is playing games and my children are suffering because of it.

I haven't posted here for a long time, another story, but I could sure use some clear-headed help. There are so many issues right now, but the one keeping me up at night is I am getting ready to withold visitation from my husband b/c he refuses to pay child support. We had an agreement in Dec. and b/c nothing was signed(his choice) he now states he doesn't have to pay $$ for his children. Some background, we have 3 boys ages 11,8,4 and since he moved out in June he has paid a total of $800, except for Dec. he paid $480(instead of what was agreed) and in Jan $650 (the agreed upon amount, until court). I feel he is getting the best of both worlds, no accountablity for his actions. He pays no money and sees the kids at his convience. The problem is, I know the boys need to see their father and I hate to put them in the middle but I feel I have no other course of action available. I cannot keep living on the credit cards to make ends meet. Any suggestions?

I got the separation papers drawn up and we've been to the mediator 3x, but can't seem to close in on the deal. I feel that I am being manipulated, and I guess I'm not sure whether it is really happening or if I am just feeling as if everything he does is to manipulate me. We were supposed to return to the mediator 2 weeks ago but he always finds a reason to not have the appt. The biggest sticking point is he want me to move out of the house for 6weeks and let him move back in to take care of the kids ( I tell him if he would get a real place to live he could have the kids during the weeks and every other weekend). I have refused, yes it feels good to stand up for my beliefs, but I struggle with it every minute. I know it is what is best for the kids but am I being selfish? because it is also what is best for me. I have to go home today, I've been at my dads for Easter and told H he wasn't coming, wow was that an ugly row. He proceeded to tell our oldest that he wasn't invited, so then my son felt he needed to have that explained to him, by me of course ( I'm seeming to always be the bad guy). Sometimes I wish I was a vindictive person and could tell the world about the affairs, the porn, the 10 jobs in 14 years, the verbal slams on my physical look, the controlling attitude, etc. When I look back over that list I just wrote I wonder why it is so hard for me to go to a lawyer and file the papers. I make all kkinds of excuses for him and this relationship and my weakness. I am so afraid that when I go home, he'll be there and I won't be able to get him to leave again. He stayed at the house for 2 nights last week, biggest issue with that is he didn't ask, he just stayed. I wish I had the guts to vent my anger. Typical rudeness of his, nobody else's feelings matter but his. I'm rambling and don't know if this has any purpose other than to put into words the fear ( and what am I afraid of) and anger I have at htis moment. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

Thanks Richgabe, I've started writing down what I want and I guess the next step is what I need. Wow I wish this were easier. Even though it is my decision (and maybe that is the problem) I'm having a really tough time with this. Thanks again

H finally moved out 3 weeks ago, saw a mediator a little over 1 week ago and now I have to put in writing what I feel is needed for this separation. I thought it would be simple, but now I'm sitting down to do it and have NO clue where to start. I don't know what I want, other than him NOT here. I don't know how to ask for what I want or need, because as soon as I do I feel guilty. Yes, I know this is my issue/junk coming from the past 14 years ( or probably more) Should I be concerned about being fair? I don't want to be a B***ch, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. Can't figure out $$, visitation w/ kids, do I have the right to ask him to move into a proper apt. so he can take the kids for visitation rather than coming over here? Should he Pay for 1/2 the bills even if he isn't living here? HOw long should this last? When should we re-evaluate? Or should we? I guess I should mention he doesn't want any of this. So I'm afraid of his reactions no matter what I present. HELP (please)

Forget? You won't, but you can forgive. I commend you for wanting to work on your marriage. And with time the memories won't come as often nor will they be as hurtful. You've had some really rough times recently but hopefully they will only serve to make you stronger. I can offer two suggestions on books that have really helped me. The first is "Torn Asunder, Recovering From Extramarital Affairs" by Dave Carder. If you could get your husband to read it also it will help him realize the pain you are feeling. The other is "Love is a Choice" it is about co-dependancy. I found it really made me look at things I had swept under the rug for many years and made me realize I did have choices in my life and I was the only one who could make them. Keep working on yourself and hopefully you'll get your husband to counselling. It does help.

They have devices at Radio Shack for this, but they all tell you it is illegal. I bought one, but never had the guts to set it up and after I thought about it, I knew he was cheating, the info couldn't be used in court, and it really wouldn't make me feel better to hear his conversations with her. I just had to get the guts to move with the info I already had. It isn't easy. Sorry you are even having to think in this direction

I guess my question to you is, why? Why are you willing to take the time and energy to play his games? Isn't your time worth more than that? I know it is a struggle to figure out if anger or revenge would be sweeter but in the long run you need to take care of YOU. And I've learned the hard way, a guy who is taking care of someone else is only interested in taking care of HIMSELF and not you. Do what you know needs to be done, without playing games.

I think what you have to remember is that guys are attracted and aroused by sight more than any other sense. Also 16-17 year old boys are not really interested in conversation or your point of view, now I realize this is a generalization and some boys are interested, butmost are into more of what you are offering in a physical sense. thereforeeee, the girls that advertise their commodities are going to have more lookers and wanters than those that don't. Saying that, I also believe a girl should be able to dress as she feels comfortable without being pressured for sex or relationships. Those girls who are comfortable with who they are and don't dress sleazy b/c it is a fashion and not one they feel comfortable with are much better off in the long run. Most guys sooner or later realize that they want a girl who has a brain and a personality not one who simply fills out her shirt. Don't rush you rrelationships. If a guy is only looking at face value you need to remember you deserve something better. And it WILL happen.

Wow, I know it must be difficult for you in all ways, being mom to your daughter, only seeing your son on certain days and then trying to re-mold him into the child you know he can be. Don't give up on him though, kids know where love is and although they always want the "things" real love and structure always win out. It may be a long battle, but your son is worth it. We go for mediation tomorrow. I'm nervous. I found out he had been checking my email, not sure how. Then I sunk really low. A friend from college and I have recently gotten back in touch and so to set R off I sent him, my friend, a really suggestive V-day card. Yes, he knew it was coming and yes he knew it was just a joke but R didn't. Before this I was simply suspious of R nosing around ( he has a BAD habit of not recognizing personal space) but when he forwarded the card to his work email, I had him. THen I left a message for him in the "draft" folder. I said I was filing for divorce, along with other things. NOw I guess I will have to actually go through with it, and although I know it is what is needed and I'm pretty sure it is what I want I'm struggling to find the power to complete the threat. Right now I'm lonely, sad, trying to be strong and a good mom to "my 3 sons" and forcing myself to NOT look for another relationship. I have to find out who I am first so I don't become what someone else wants or needs me to be. Any suggestions for mediation? I've never done this before. WHat all does it entail?

I think he has always been like that, wants his cake & eat it too. And I have unfortunately given him that option, until now. THanks, sometimes I simply need people to reinforce what I know, I guess b/c I don't have an easy time believing my own feelings or gut instinct. It was much easier to see it happening with friends rather than see it in my own home. Hopefully, next week as I get stronger I can tell him to stay gone and set-up some visitation rules ( he has been here 3 times today & called 4). But I know less visitation is going to be even harder on the kids.

He is trying WAY too hard. He works from home on Fridays and showed up this morning about 9, after I went to work he did laundry and stayed to get the kids off the bus and took them to dinner, yes I'm glad he is fulfilling his father role, but when I got home from work tonite he just kinda hung around for about 2 hours as if to say see what I did, and aren't I good to being playing with the kids. Maybe I'm being too hard on him, but I went through my "file" of stuff and it really strengthened my resolve to be done. I had asked him on Mon. nite to be honest about the pornography and confronted him that I knew about the personal ad he had taken out, he made up a partial truth about not know that the pornography bothered me (which it probably wouldn't if he could figure out fact from fiction) and then said he hadn't written to anyone with the personals. I have the messages from him to aperson and from her to him ( granted there were only 2). He also "forgot " to mention the new one he had taken out in Dec. The one he confessed to he had taken out in Sept. I know this because when we bought the computer And got online I put a keylogger on, i would like to say it was for the kids safety, but I can't. I guess I need help finding the words to tell him what I say here. It is much more difficult to speak when the blame gets shoved back on you. Although I'm feeling much stronger about who I might be, she is still hiding. It takes a long time to dig yourself out of a 14 year hole.

He actually left tonite, after saying it for 6 days. We sat the kids down and he told them he was going to be staying somewhere else. He actually did a pretty good job with a tough subject. I told them after he left it was like a marriage time-out. Although I'm sad about the end of a relationship, I hate to fail, my biggest feeling is of relief. It seems as if a huge weight has lifted off my chest & I can breathe again. Tomorrow morning may be another story though. Hopefully we'll get the mediation appt. quickly so I can get things in writing. Why do I feel guilty about feeling relieved?

Finally after 5 months of asking, R has agreed to leave for what he calls a "trial seperation". I should feel something, I don't. Other than distrust. He has rented a dive hotel room, but I feel cheated somehow b/c that means he can't take the kids onspecific days and i'll wind up being full-time while he cancome and go as he pleases. Also not sure if he simply wants me to feel guilty about standing my ground, for once in 14 years of marriage. Found out he had been talking behind my back trying to get people to "help" the situation, and he went into my phone and deleted # he didn't think belonged in the directory. Everytime i turn around i'm crying. i wish i knew what for.

I have finally set some ground rules up for myself. I'm giving him until the last week in Feb. to actually move out an then I'll look into hiring the lawyer, and finding a place for the kids & myself. I'm a terrible procrastinator and I think having a deadline will force me into making decisions. After the past weekend when the lack of direction hit me so hard I almost didn't want to get out of bed, I came to this conclusion. I also discovered he was looking at porn and was back on the personals the weekend I was at a conference (Jan 14-15). I checked the cookies since he deletes the history.

Thanks for the help. I think my biggest problem is I don't know what I want. I feel strongly about us separating, most of the time. I am not a wishy-washy person usually. Maybe that is what it getting to me more than anything. I know that if he stays I'll be miserable, I don't trust him and I can't handle being treated as if I'm a child who can't be trusted. But to make the steps official and to bring in the lawyers and courts I'm afraid it will only hurt my kids and force the relationshiip to be hateful. I'm looking for an easy way out, I wish he would leave as I have asked (at least 4 times). Maybe then I could get myself together enough to make some useful decisions.

i actually teach "family life" to 9th grade girls. i teach everything from anatomy to abstinence to STDs to pregnancy & childbirth to forms of birth control and % of failure and we get into how to tell if they are in an abusive relationship and how to have the strength to say NO. They have some great questions and i am very open in the answers. Should it be taught at home? Of course!! Is it realistic to teach abstinence only, I don't think so considering all the information that it out there. The best thing for me is to remember when I was that age and all the emotions & feelings and questions I had. Ultimately, the choice to have sex is theirs, I simply want them to go into it having all the facts.

I've posted under breaking up about most the issues relating to my deteriorating marriage, but last nite R starts talking after i come in from work. He states that maybe all his complaining about my not being committted to our relationship should have been turned on him. He said, maybe i should have simply looked in the mirror when i was saying all those things. I feel like I can't believe anything he says, and yet i continue to wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to give in. I really can't stand living in limbo any longer and although I don't feel like it is right to just accept what he has done and continue on with the farce, I'm not sure I can continue being strong. Today I didn't want to get out of bed and after that I didn't want to get off the couch. All I do it look out he windows and watch the snow fall.

Yes, we went to counselling, because I do realize that we couldn't just go back to the way we were. We started with a pastor, which is where R "found" religion. Up to this point 6 weeks after the affair was discovered he refused to go to church and didn't believe at all. While I am estatic that he is now a believer he has also taken the high road when it comes to religion, he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. THe pastor then recommended we see a Christian Marriage counselor, which we did for about 9 months. At this point I was simply trying to survive and begin to trust again, at this same time R is pushing the issue to renew our vows and stating that I should be past all the hurt and distrust after all it had been almost 1 year. At the end of 9 months, Jamie-the counselor- said, and I agree, we needed to work on our individual issues before we could move on in our marriage. At that point in time I had put the blinders back on thinking if I simply gave more and did more we could get back what was missing. R went back to the conference for 5 days where he met the woman he had the affair with, and I had to trust and believe that nothing would happen, which I was doing on a daily basis because he was still working with another woman he had had an affair with. After we finished with Jamie we went for about 6 months on our own. In this time, he began following me, showing up at work at unexpected times, he locked me out of my work email twice, because I had changed the password and he couldn't stand NOT to be able to get involved. He went through my purse, my briefcase, and called friends of ours to try & manipulate information. I guess I had finally had enough when in May he accused me of the other affair and instead of confronting me he calls the wife. I feel he musst think I am extremely stupid, because if I were going to have an affair I most defintely would NOT have told him I was going to the conference with my friend, and I would not have given him my room number or checked in at home as soon as we arrived. In June we started with another therapist-Elizabeth- and after about 4 sessions she wanted to see me by myself, because at that point I still could not make decisions about our marriage. I could see, or actually I made excuses for all the boundry issues R had crossed over trying to see the up side. I am still seeing her and I have read books about boundries and co-dependancy and enabling. I realize that I do not have a great set of boundries, I allow people to take advantage of me and then turn on myself as it is my fault. The final straw with R job loss is the fact that he has yet to explain to me WHY he was asked to resign- it was a city governemet position that he had held for almost 5 years ( the longest he has ever held a positon). Being in a similar position with the county I know how hard it is to get people out, so I figure it must of been a repeated offense or an extremely bad one. Maybe I should insert here he has lost 2 other positions because of a sexual harassment charge. But the worst part of this is the fact he assumed I would be willing to take up the slack in the finances, even though I am to submit to him as the leader of the family(while I agree with that statement , there is a difference between and leader and a ruler), without any conversation about how I would feel or my opinion. At this time he began to look at porn on the internet again, something that he has had issues with before ( can't figue out why I don't act and do everything they will on his computer screen). I also discovered a personal ad in which he stated he was separated that he had began BEFORE I moved out of the bedroom. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I believe that this is why I am still in this marriage. Guts to stand up for myself I run short of quickly. Hope this helps with why I am so confused with my lack of action.

Thanks for the responses. I contacted a lawyer in Oct. and will have to file for custody of the kids and in VA you have to be separateed for at least 12 months to file for divorce unless there are abusive circumstances. My guilt is what is eating me up, although I can logically tell myself I have a need to get out, my wish for happily ever after keeps getting in the way. It doesn't help he continues to throw religion and scripture up in my face. Can someone just give me a good kick in the pants?