seroyla

Unfortunately, the last three guys I've had long term relationships also had issues involving porn and meeting and having sex with other women they've chatted with online-- so I really don't have a basis of what "normal" guys do online.

How do you get over the distrust and anger issues associated to finding out your ex not only looked at child porn on a regular basis, then went to the extreme of buying panties from other girls from the internet, and then me finding out he'd been trying to arrange times to meet women he'd been chatting with online to get their panties personally? I've been so angry about these things for over a year and I feel like I just can't trust any guy anymore. He and I had been together for 3 years prior the break-up. He is 33 and I am 27. When he and I try to talk about it so I can work out my anger issues, he always defends himself as these being normal things most guys with normal sexual appetites do online....and well, that just compounds my distrust in him and in most "normal" guys and their "normal" activities online. And in the end of our conversation it either winds up being a huge argument that I feel like I'm the loser and a prude, and it only compounds my anger issues. I've been seeing a therapist since June of 2005 trying to stop having these issues... and she was the one who suggested I try to talk to him to find some closure on the issue.... but it's really not working. How can I find closure, and find a way to forgive him? How do I resolve these anger and trust issues before they sabotage any future intimate relationship? Thanks for any advice......

I think it has to do with how you feel inside. Friendship is based on trust and knowing the other person and mutual respect. If you feel you can trust them and you spend a lot of time with them and know more about them than most other people-- and it's not romantic based--- then you are probably close friends with them.

I agree with DN.. After I ended my relationship with my last bf I lost all my friends (I'd adopted all his close friends as my own when we were together and these were the only friends I hung out with because my ex refused to hang out with my old friends because they were police officers- he never even met them and he said he hated them and called them insulting names). I also sacrificed the close relationship I had with his mother and father and losing these relationships was something I seriously considered when I first started thinking about breaking up with him. But in the end I chose to be happy regardless of if I wound up losing their friendship as well. I see it as a new start and I'm happier overall than I have been in the last 3 years when I was with my ex... I believe that my newfound happiness and optimism for life will attract to new friends at some point in the future. Until then, I will just continue to grow as an individual and learn more about who I am as a single person- I lost a lot of myself in my last relationship and I'm enjoying rediscovering my strengths and talents, and learning to be emotionally independent again.

Previous Post Summary: Visited a friend (long-time-ago Ex-bf) up in Ohio, kind of a weird visit... y'all tried to help me figure out why my telling him "Well I love you, take care and be safe" just before I got in my car to drive home to NC (I was visiting OH) would make him start acting all distant. We discussed him maybe still liking me in a romantic sense where-as I love him as a friend and maybe when I told him I loved him-- maybe it made him feel crummy cause he knew I only loved him as a friend-- hence, him giving me the cold shoulder, not emailing like usual, seeming like I irritated him. Someone suggested to wait and leave him alone for awhile cause if I bugged him it would be like rubbing even more salt in the old wound. So i have- but I hoped/expected to hear from him by the end of the week. So now my question is: It's been a week + of not hearing from him-- usually I hear from him after I send my customary "thank-you" email- he at least says "You're welcome." When should I break-down and email/call him to ask if I upset him or ticked him off in anyway when I visited? Should I ? Or should I just wait.... the bad thing about waiting is that I've waited 2 years for a reply from him before and the whole point of me saying I loved him (even though it was supersuper casual like any other friend would say) was to make the relationship closer so THAT kind of waiting wouldn't happen again. What do I do?

I think it's ideal that you fall in love with someone you've known for a long time and have been close friends with and know really well. I think patience is the key though and to have respect for her current relationship with her bf. If she has feelings for you, one day they will be revealed and then you will have to go from there. But I personally wouldn't try to pressure her to leave her bf for you or anything... let time and nature run it's course. If it's meant to be-- an opportunity will surely arise at some point. Hope this helps... I'm so happy you've developed deep feelings for this friend. I hope it works out for you two in the end.

So how do I repair things now that I rubbed salt in the wound?

Interesting thought... I never thought saying I love you could make someone feel crummy-- but I guess if it's unrequited love maybe that's the case. But I seriously doubt it cause I honestly don't think he loves me or he would've told me a long time ago. He acted really distant and just 'weird' when I saw him in the morning just before I left. And then he sounded downright awful when I called him from the road to ask if I'd left my medicine on his coffee table (I'd slept on the couch when I crashed at his place). It was like he didn't want to talk to me and he had a really tired/angry tone- like I was the most irritating person on the planet to him at that very moment. I've been worried that I upset him somehow ever since I left cause of that- I never thought to ask though. He's a natural charmer and he flirts with anyone as long as they're female. I've seen a million times over him getting his way whenever he flirts (whether it be $10 off a hotel room to free movie rentals), and of course all the girls he flirts with wind up with massive crushes on him. It amuses me everytime I see it. The inside joke between us, though, is whenever he tries to flirt with me I tell him, "You forget I'm wise to your ways." He's the one person I admire most in the world (besides my parents). I thought he was 'the one' and it nearly killed me to tell him I couldn't date him anymore-- but it was a conscious sacrifice because I knew becoming a father would leave very little room for me.. It was a long-distance relationship anyway. So I let him go and it took me at least a year to get over him. At the time I was very hurt to hear he had a child with another woman, kinda felt backstabbed and really insignificant. But over the years I came to accept everything and now I just love him as a friend. As for the unrequited love thing, I'm the one with the unrequited love feeling right now.

All I did was, I gave him a hug good-bye and said "Well I love you, be safe and take care of yourself." It was really casual like friends would normally say when they say good-bye to each other. I paused like 1.5 seconds cause usually after his other friends say this he responds with something similar... but he didn't respond with anything at all. And that was it before I stepped into my car and drove away. We tried dating at one point but we were friends first, then tried dating for like 8 months but I broke up with him around 1999/2000 when he found out he had a daughter with another woman. I told him we should just be friends and stopped dating him. He doesn't talk about dating anyone, or if he even has an interest in anyone even when I ask about his love life. He's been 'single and looking' ever since his ex-fiance got married 4 years ago. He's a committed father and a career military man. I've had at least 2 long-term boyfriends since I dated him that he's known about. Only one time did he say, "I think we're perfect for each other" but that was 3 years ago when I'd just started a nearly 3 year long relationship with another guy (that I just broke-up with two weeks ago). In my head we've been just friends for years and we rarely see each other anyway so maybe we've just grown too far apart and that's why he didn't respond.

It's really out of character for me to tell people I love them. It took me 22 years before I started telling my parents I loved them and it was the hardest thing for me to start doing... now that I'm 26 it comes easier and it has brought us closer. I've never told my friends I love them but I've always wanted to, but I don't know if it is appropriate anymore: Last weekend I told an old friend who I've been friends with for over 6 years that I loved him (as a friend, of course) and I gave him a quick hug good-bye (I was leaving to drive back to NC-- I was visiting OH)-- but he was just silent and didn't respond. I don't regret telling him cause I've always wanted to-- I just wish he'd responded with something besides silence. Silence is hard to read. I know he, too, is emotionally repressed, but I've heard him say I love you very easily to his other friends before- so it seemed odd he didn't respond. I'm kinda questioning my friendship with him now because he didn't respond. I've started thinking maybe I shouldn't have said it (even though I don't regret saying it), and it might've been inappropriate as we mostly just email each other now and rarely see each other. I sent a thank-you email to him Sunday evening for letting me crash at his place-- I always do after I visit someone. But here it is 4 days after I left and still no response from him-- usually he at least acknowledges my thank-you email with a "You're welcome anytime." What do you guys think about his reaction? Before I tell other friends I appreciate them, what do you think would be appropriate ways to tell them I care about them? Should I even tell them?Or should I just keep it to myself as usual? And what do I do if after I've told them and they don't respond or feel awkward around me? How do I repair things? Thanks.....

Thanks guys... I gave him the ultimatum of getting professional help or else and he just gave the excuses..."when do I have the time?" "I don't need a shrink to tell me....." etc... I felt if he were going to take me seriously then I needed to be the one to follow through. I guess it just makes me mad to think I wasted 3 years of my life because I'm a loyal person... I guess I just was loyal to the wrong person.

Of course I was not happy with him... I pity him... and the bad thing is the longer he stayed in that job, let that boss abuse him-- the longer he just complained about how awful his life was but NEVER once did anything to improve it-- the more I told him to find professional help-- the YEARS I waited for him to actually follow through with his promises-- to propose one day, to think about having kids one day, to find another job one day, to find happiness... one day.... All the years hoping one day he'd suddenly realize he had more things going for him than he gave himself credit for---waiting for him to try to find some little ounce of happiness in life and then the last night only to find out he wasn't even happy with me and was just putting up with me.... All that time I waited to be that 'something' that brightened his day and waited to be 'the' someone he looked forward coming home to.... and I suddenly realized I wasn't and I never was. He just put up with me because he was content to be miserable. Not my best moment.... so no, to answer you question-- no I wasn't happy with him and I wish I hadn't given him so many chances to be happy with me.

So here I am single again and in my own apartment that I haven't lived in for the last 3 years but paid rent on every month while I lived in his house. The last thing he said was "Even though you have a master's degree, I don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo you learned in school-- you think way too much and make things too complicated. I just wanted sex-- not talk about marriage, children, religion, and breaking-up." I watched his boss hit him at the last two Christmas parties-- put up with his 6 hour long gripe sessions with his co-workers about work on a regular basis. I was designated driver for 3 years while he tried to drown his misery with alcohol every weekend. And I got fed up- tossed 3 years of committment, loyalty, and close friendship with him and his own circle of friends-- out the window. I wanted to get engaged, get married, have children, and most of all I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be happy--- not just deal with things as they came and make do with being unhappy and unsatisfied with life when things didn't pan out. He turned down my proposal, he hated children, he questioned God, he had no respect for my job and called my co-workers "pigs" (they're cops), and he never prepared for the future... but yet he said these things were NOT valid reasons to break-up over. I have nothing left except this apartment, my clothes, my car, and my job. No more friends, I'm alone. Would you consider my breaking up with this kind of person personal growth or copping out? He says I threw out 3 years of something good... did I? Do I analyze life with too much complexity? Should I think more simply and be satisfied with living with a life-partner who hates life? I told him what would've made me happiest would've been to see him truly happy in life-- but he said he thought I just didn't love him anymore and was grasping for a straw to get out. Can you actually show a person you truly DO love and respect them by leaving them- or is it just showing them you are self-fish? What do you think?

Sounds like my ex actually... I was loyal for 3 years before I finally realized I was sacrificing too much of my self-esteem, self-confidence, patience, and self-respect to be with him. I would suggest getting out before he gets worse because there is no way you are going to change him-- change comes from within and he has to want to change. If he doesn't see he is hurting you then he will never see no matter how far wide you try to tape his eyelids open. Just my two cents....

I've a friend whom I've known for nearly 8 years- we tried dating for 6 months before his career as a soldier took him abroad for several years after 9/11. He's currently deployed but about to return in mid-June. I've always considered him my first love, but because 'Life Happens' we took different paths and we've grown increasingly distant from each other. We rarely see each other, email, or talk on the phone-- the last time we saw each other was last December and it was during this visit I realized we were more strangers than friends now. It really frustrated me. Nothing bad happened, it's just that really awkward/superficial and polite feeling when you meet someone for the first time- except cause I've known him so long it felt weird. Anyway, I sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday earlier in May--asked him what he was up to these days cause hadn't heard from him since February. Told him I was going to my college reunion and asked if he wanted me to stop in for a visit for a couple hours. He lives 20 minutes away from my college (that's how we met), except I hadn't been up there in 4 years because my bf of 3 years (whom I broke up with less than a week ago) never wanted to go- but this year I decided it was something I wanted to do with or without my bf. I didn't know we'd be breaking up altogether. Also told him I was planning to go to Florida in the end of June. He replied inviting me to stay with him at his new house while I was there for the reunion AND asked if I wanted to meet him in Florida in the end of June cause he was "planning to go then also". NOTE: I haven't told him I'm newly single. I haven't replied yet because I'm not sure if he actually wants to see me or is just being polite because I'll be in town and we happen to be going to Florida at the same time. I know the main reason our friendship degenerated the most started about 3 years ago when I chose the "other guy" I just recently broke up with- over him. Nonetheless, I'm tempted to accept because I'd like to try to repair our friendship and get to know him again as friends like we were before 9/11- before we tried dating. Beyond that I'm not expecting or hoping for anything but friendship. Would you accept the invitation? Has too much time past to repair our friendship? How do we know when a friendship is irrepairable? How do you know if a guy is just being "polite"? Any insight and/or advice would be welcome....