GoodManWasted

no, i don't think i'm trying to justify infidelity, i was trying to discuss/ask whether anyone thought this could have been a tactic my wife was using, and NO, I am not angry whatsoever, that is not my nature, I'm almost never angry, disatisfied yes! seriously, there is very little i can do to "work" on this marriage, I am faced with insanity and hostility just about every day. I just don't know what to do, and this has been going on for years. Some people are unhappy in this world and their objective is to try to bring the people around them down with them. I do feel Committed to sticking out this insanity for many reasons as i pointed out above. excellent advice, thanks! And...I'm glad Doyathink(great name by the way) got a chuckle out of my situation, because I laugh all the time about it. Life is very ironic.

not directly picking on you, but no wonder we have so many broken families and screwed up children in this world and lonely "old" people without partners, esp. woman who have a very high rate of living alone and who very likely have a harder time getting married >45 after a divorce. We make these vows to our partners, "till death due us part", and I know they are tongue in cheek to some degree, but when I got married, I got married, my wife and I are compatable to at least decent degree, I can tolerate her deficiencies if she can tolerate mine, I have been faithful to her and I think she to me. I am not just "sticking around" for sex, although if I had no sex whatsoever then I might not be so high and mighty right now and would probably stray eventually. But I do believe in marriage and this marriage is more than "just me". I/We have brought children in this world and they are not yet completely raised, my own father put up with endless nonsense and abuse from my mother, and yet he was faithful and stayed with my mother, Thanks Dad!!, I appreciate it and myself and my siblings are better people for it and have lived better lives because of it. Thanks for not just thinking of yourself and your own needs but you realized that when the Whole means more than the Parts sometimes someone has to suffer. Of course there is more to this than my own trying to do the right thing, with divorce there is going to be obvious financial pain, financial insecurity, the fear of all the endless legal proceedings i would have to look forward to for Years and Years, the very likely hatred of my wife that will build and grow so she can justify her decision, I don't want any of that. One of my children is at a nice private school and I remember asking her, how many of your dormmates are divorced, very very few. Children of Divorce don't get the opportunity to go to schools like that because all the $$$ was drained away by selfish nonsense and likely many/more(of course not all) of the kids become unfocused and drift enough that they aren't up to such a school. So there are many factors here, more than I think what might??? (big might, don't more second marriages end in divorce than 1st???) make me happy. Like my divorce attorney said, you only get one life to live, do what you can to be happy, of course he is on his 3rd marriage, hey, I may in the same shoes someday, but not today.

KIDS and responsibility, plus she has the "ability" to give me a pretty good tumble when she wants to. Oh, she just came down the stairs, nasty and mean already to start my day. I'm a GoodManWasted

i do blame her for my lousy marriage, completely and totally because day after day it is a game for her to boobytrap and sabotague my marriage, she is cunning and cruel. She lies in wait looking for opportunities to cause drama and find fault. She is this way with others, while I look for ways to forgive others. She is an "I gotha" person, instead of a forgiving person that you need to be to live your own path in this life, to thine own self be true. Day after day I have analyzed this and asked God for forgiveness in whatever part I played in what she has become. For so many years I put up with this despicable behavior, but now that her sex drive is going, there is no making up and she is quite content to be a malcontent day after day. probably the day this is over, even with the finances and the legal proceedings and the kid troubles, will be a very happy day for me - I'll be Free.

what's love? do we really need love? Indians get marriage by arranged and I have been told their divorce rate is less than ours, what about Asians, similiar boat. I believe that two people should make a committtment to each other, that is marriage, and that committment is strengthened by the responsibility of children, that is why i have never strayed. Yes, she has "loved me", but now her love is Gone because I have stood up for myself in decisions regarding our children. So her love is gone. Well, what kind of love was that to start. Her children are growing, she has lost her reasons for being, she is becoming an empty shell, menopause has dampened her sex drive, but instead of reaching out and finding ways to improve her condition, she is giving up, and of course, blaming me for it all. for her condition. and thinking it is our lousey marriage that is responsible for her unhappiness. I give her a very long leash, she has her freedom to do, spend and be whatever she wants. another long, dull weekend to look forward to, nothing in my power to make it better. no love of travel, no love of possession and very little appreciation of simple pleasures, like natural beauty, good music, etc., instead she reads story books and watches idiotic tv shows, then wonders why she is not fulfilled?

this is a stupid thread anyway, my stupidity and wanting to see myself think, there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, I can do about this woman, she has been torturing me for years and years, I stay with her because I like my life, my homestead, I like being with my family. and that is so important, i can hear my teenage kids now, i like that sound, i put up with so much to hear that sound of there activity. i know that divorce will be hell, i wil loose the financial prosperity i have, i will go through hell with attorneys and she of course will love to have the chance to flower her hatred. she will have a reason to live and to be, instead of finding that meaning now, in front of her, divorce will give her a fight she can fight. i am proud of what i have become as an adult human being, my efforts have born fruit, and i have so many times said I am so sorry for any part i may have played in what my wife has become. there have been countless times i have observed and seen the outcome of her path and thought, told you so, never said it, but she can read my mind after so many years(dont' even need a facial expression). yes, dad was right when he said life balances out, obviously i can't have it all!

>divorce oh yes, she has "talked" of divorce, because she knows that is not my style and she enjoys watching me suffer, partly because she knows it will be difficult to bear the financial consequences of a divorce. Right now she thinks we just split 50/50 and she know that will be difficult for me even though we are affluent. ha ha ha. She doesn't know yet it will probably be more like 60/40 if i am lucky then Alimony(20-30%) of my income for the next 10 yrs, plus healthcare etc. luckily the kids are just about out of the financial picture. if we get divorced this is such a terrible waste, it is EVIL personified.

you are perceptive! sure we have lots, deep love, no, never. but we have created a life and a family together, if everyone did not have deep love after 20yrs got divorced, i think the divorce rate would be 70-80%, not 50%. Does she want a divorce? when things very rough 1-2 months ago, she frequently discussed moving out with the kids, she told me she was with a realtor looking for houses. Sad thing is I like my wife, deep love no, total respect no, but everyday is painful with her, esp the weekends and we have another one coming up. she is going through a depression, while I am happy and fulfilled in my life, except for my marriage...and that is something I just don't know how to change, because i don't know how to change how she feels. I am not the philandering type, I am the faithful type and my wife has been a very good sex partner for many years. but she is pushing me, I am craving more, I have met someone else and have taken baby steps in that direction and I have received positive feedback to continue. I am continuing the counseling, but my wife's perception of life is so negative, I can't show her how to live, I watch her make mistakes and I see her thought pattern and I understand why she is unhappy, her way is not working, but she thinks that is the right way. I honestly do feel at times she is subconsciously pushing me to the arms of another woman, she knows i will break eventually..

20 yrs of marriage and it is not well. We have had our problems but I never even close to what it is like now. My wife has moved emotionally distant from me and this has made every day living with her painful. Before we would have sex, make-up, and move forward, civil and fairly happy again. Now she is 50 and she says she has no sex drive, now we have nothing. She has talked of divorce and we have been seeing a counselor, i think he is doing a good job, but is it really helping? I am not sure and I don't think so. She is still 95% cold as ice to me. Part of me says, that she would be happy if I found another woman right now, that would give us an excuse to divorce, because she knows I want to save our marriage and do the right thing, and if I found and was caught with a girlfriend, she would be the self-righteous one instead of the homewrecker that I hint she would be for leaving me. I don't want a girlfriend, I want my wife to be my girlfriend, but I can see how an affair occurs in a loveless marriage, I feel I have the capability and the need to love someone and it isn't happening here. I know I will never be truly fulfilled with this woman and I know there is someone out there that can be more to me, but I am willing to tough out what i have, but how can I with this cold fish treatment? There are woman around...

long term marriage going south have been going for marriage counseling, but i think it is actually making the situation, because both of us are saying things that maybe we wouldn't say without the referee present. i think the counselor is very good and quite competent, but i am not sure that getting everything on the table is really helping and it is appearing more and more to me that my wife's heart has turned cold against me and that is "all she wrote". another thing, my wife tells all these little fibs about what happened or what i said and is quite convincing, she acts like the vulnerable think, and puts on the appearance that i am a badgering husband, when in reality i DareNot say what is on my mind for fear of her explosive temper. I feel the counselor is turning against me, but we are totally off point and my wife's charms are simply quite convincing. i just fell like i'm in a trap and I have no idea what to do to fix this. It feels like this is the new "job" of my wife, creating all this strife and nonsense in my my/our lives when we should be relaxing into our fifties and appreciating everything we have done together in this world. instead all i see is bull**** and untruth.

I'm in the same situation as you but roles are reversed. I've been married 20 yrs and I am so sick of my wife being mean to me day after day, there is no let up and no end in sight. she is a mean, nasty women and she is tearing down everything we have built up over the years.