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lostinwilderness

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  1. lostinwilderness
    It sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself and your values. It sounds like you have gained the stregnth to be a better person in many aspects of your life. It was a harsh way to learn that leason, but do not forget the positives that have come from this experience.
  2. lostinwilderness
    Broken, I am sorry that you had to find out again just what an A**hole this guy is. Don't beat yourself up to much for going back to him. It is easy to look at it logically and know that you could not have expected anything different from him after he has shown this patern. However, it is a lot harder to do. I hope that you will look at this time as a leason learned. He has made his values very clear. You now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you go back you would never be more than a F*** buddy to him. That surely does not make you feel any better, but maybe it can make the choice to make (and keep) a clean break a little easier. Keep your head up and enjoy days 1 through infinity on a better road!
  3. lostinwilderness
    I am very sorry that you feel this way. It must be very hard to feel a need to stay in a relationship, that you feel has no hope of improving. I think that if it was me that I would not find your reasons enough to stay in a marriage once I lost all hope ending the insanity. Of course I am not you, and I respect your values. If you do feel that you need to stay in this marriage, then I hope that you can find ways to work with your wife to make it better. Even if you cannot make it perfect again, maybe you can at least find compromises to minimize how much you are brought down. Your chidren can certainly sense these issues, and you seem like the type of person that does not want to allow them to be brought down too. I am a firm believer that any situation can be improved. Unfortunately the better path is not always easy or obvious. I hope that you find your better path and that you have the stregnth to walk it.
  4. lostinwilderness
    I find it hard to understand how you can use your marriage vows to justify infidelity. You have a lot of anger and resentment. Maybe it is all justified, but it seems like a harmful environment for you, your wife, and your kids. Would you really want your kids to stay in a relationship devoid of happiness, love and trust because it made sense 20 years ago? You are certainly sending them that message, as your father sent you. You sound like you have no more desire to work on your marriage and are now just looking for ways to sabatage it. No matter how bad the marriage is you loose any appearance of moral high ground if you start an affair (or even continue your baby steps). Regardless of the past you will seem 100% the agressor in the eyes of the law, your wife, and your kids. If you truly believe in commitment then you need to take the hard road and COMMIT to working on your marriage. If you are just out to destroy the marriage then you have much more to gain by ending it as peacefully as possible. Cheating will only cost you more pain and money. More importantly (to me anyway) it would cost you your children's respect.
  5. lostinwilderness
    I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Regardless of the outcome you are in a very hard spot. I hope that you are wrong about your suspicions, and there is something honest and understandable going on. However, I cannot really understand why after hearing how upset this man makes you she would not either completely terminate the relationship or at the least arrange for you two to meet. Until you both work this out there is NO acceptable reason for her to meet with him alone (I am struggling to think of a good enough reason for her to place her need to meet this stranger above your well based concerns at all). I am not a fan of snooping, but you have enough reason to snoop just from her earlier lies. I would rather appologize later for snooping, than have her continue to play you (which saddly it sounds like she is doing). Good luck and take care of yourself!
  6. lostinwilderness
    I know this sounds cliche, but relax. Everyone has times that things go faster or slower. There can be any number of reasons. However, stress or anxiety can play a big role. Basically the more you worry about it, the more likely it is to happen and the more you worry about it. If you can relax, everything will work itself out. If you and your GF have a solid relationship then the sex can be about much more than who comes when. Enjoy the intimacy and please her in other ways, and I promise as soon as your stamina ceases to be a concern you will find yourself lasting longer.
  7. lostinwilderness
    Catcion, I think that a person's past can say a lot about the type of person that they are and about what they will be in the future. I do think that a person can change and that they can 'rise above' their past. However, I think that RWL's GF has a past that would disturb most men (it certainly would me). It sounds like she had a different set of moral and sexual standards than RWL is comfortable with. Personally I believe that her actions are a sign of unresolved mental trauma on her part. In any case she may be a totally different person today. However, she does not seem to show (from the little we can get here) that she has gone through a fundamental change. She still seems to treat these past actions as almost trophies. I think that RWL has a vaild reason to want to explore with her, what is really going on and how he can know that she has addressed whatever caused her to act that way in the past. If she cannot or will not discuss this with him I think he would be reckless to not assume that she is still caring that bagage and that it will likely affect their relationship (in more ways than STDs).
  8. lostinwilderness
    It sounds like your girlfriend has some serious sexual issues. I am no therapist, but I do not think that the described level of activity is 'normal'. Her activity sounds like a sexual addiction that was likely fueled by her abuse as a child and the influence of her husband. I do not believe that she can just change all of that attitude to just be ok with one person for the rest of their life on a dime. I think that if you were to stay with her you will very likely be faced with some type of 'acting out' in the future. If she does not make a serious effort to look at the root causes of her behaviours and to attempt to deal with them I would think it is almost a certainty. The herpes thing is a different issue for me. It is a big trust issue. She hid something that can threaten your health and all future relationships. I understand that she would be hesitant to reveal that type of information, but you should not have to unwittingly pay the price for her past. A responsible partner MUST reveal something like that. I would definitely get yourself tested. My understanding is that herpes can be passed even when it is not active. Also with her history there is a high likelyhood of exposure to many other STDs that do not all show active symptoms. I am not trying to judge her or scare you away from her. However, I really think that this is more than just someone that was a little friendly when they were younger. You should be fully aware of that risk before proceeding or moving forward. The fact that she will not even discuss it with you (although she will recount her conquests) just seems to highlight that there is something more beneath the surface here. Good Luck!
  9. lostinwilderness
    antibarbie, I would be very interested in seeing some overall statistics on cheating and the couples that survive it. According to my therapist and readings a large number of couples are able to move through the pain and rebuild their relationships. Not sure what that means most or only some, but I am not convinced that population here is representative. As for your personal perspective, you sound like a very strong person who is able to look at the role you played in your relationship even while you were hurt so deeply. I think you are right that full repair requires both parties addressing their roles in the relationship, and how they can improve to rebuild stronger than before.
  10. lostinwilderness
    Antibarbie, Thanks for your update. I am always glad to hear that there can positive outcomes. I think that the reason that there are not more stories from relationships that have recovered from an affair is that many of those people no longer feel as much need to turn to these online forums. (At least this is what I hope is the case). My wife and I are only three weeks into dealing with our situation so we are a long way from a successful conclusion. Still I see a lot of hope. There are still a lot of things that we are not ready to address together. However, there are also many things that we are discussing now that had been buried and not addressed for years. I hope things continue to get better for you and your relationship. Please check in again with us!
  11. lostinwilderness
    I am finding out first hand about the importance of open honest communication in a relationship. When someone tries to internalize and deal with strong emotions themselves and do not share those with their partner it can have serious impacts on the relationship. Can you give this relationship all that it deserves and still deal with the quilt and issues around this affair by yourself? It is a tough question what is best for you, him, and the relationship. I am certain that if you tell it will be very tough and could very well shatter the relationship. I am also certain that if he finds out some way other than you telling him (in 5 days or 5 years) that it will be much worse. Good luck either way!
  12. lostinwilderness
    I think my first reaction would be confusion and a little nervous. I would want to know more about the event, what it meant to my GF, and what she saw as her current and sexual orientation. I consider myself a pretty open person and I would not be so much judgmental as just wondering how (if at all this would effect the current relationship). Personally I cannot imagine being turned on by any of my partners past lovers (male or female). Maybe it is just my own insecurities, but I would always wonder a little how I really stacked up. Now if it was a serious relationship that had been going on for a while, I might be hurt that I was just now finding this out.
  13. lostinwilderness
    I agree with many of the items here as being huge warning flags and potential deal breakers. However, I believe that all things are on a spectrum and are not so black and white. These items can be destructve to a relationship and force re-evaluation especially early in a relationship. However, I do not think that anyone should say that with one instance you should cut and run. All of these need to be put in the perspective of the problem and the relationship. Abuse for example is something that I find to NEVER be acceptable. However, it is often a result of paterns and experiences the abuser is not even aware of. If someone is taking honest steps to adress that problem there is no reason that they cannot become an abuse free and strong partner in any relationship. Of course there is a big difference between beating someone black and blue and degrading them verbally (though both are still unacceptable). My point is that it is good to have high standards, but all relationships will have problems and challenges. Do not be so quick to say you will never work through your partner's problems, unless you are also looking for someone unwilling to work through yours.
  14. lostinwilderness
    I do not think that you should admit to something you do not feel. However, you do need to validate your wife's feelings. Show her that you understand how she could feel that way and that you are sorry you hurt her. She also needs to keep hearing that you only want and love her and that you want to prove that to her. I think that it may take a lot of time before she can really believe it, but she keeps needing to hearing and seeing it. I am in a similar situation with my wife, where she feels I had an emotional affair, and while I take responsibility for some really poor choices and the pain I caused, I cannot honestly say to myself or her that I cheated on her. I see hope in the little things in my relationship. I say keeping bringing the flowers and little things that you did to win her over in the first place. She may not be in a position to return those gestures, but I think she still needs to see them. Look for those little things and keep hoping and working on making things better. I am hoping with you.
  15. lostinwilderness
    I think you 100% right to feel this way. You have certainly played a role in the problems in your marriage. All of the good and bad in a relationship are the result of both parties. However, taking responsibility for the poor communication does not in any way mean you are responsible for her seeking comfort OUTSIDE the marriage. You have every right to DEMAND that she comes completely clean with you and face what is going on. If she is 100% innocent then why would she hesitate to set your mind at rest by discussing the situation? If she is guilty then she needs to face the consequences if you are to have any hope of rebuilding a strong marriage. If she cannot/or will not address your concerns, then this will create a hole in your marriage that will never go away. The more you both ignore or gloss over the problem the deaper that hole will get until you can no longer hide it. I think you are justified to need to discuss this and she needs to know that it is manditory for you that she stops treating this as a non-issue. If it takes drawing up divorce papers to make that statement to her, then it is money well spent, and if she still will not discuss what happened honestly with you, then you may want to consider using those papers.
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