Quill

You can't possibly be taking this seriously?. Yeah, he's fooling around alright... on all levels, first on his wife, now on you. Pretty obvious someone else has grabbed his attention where you once used to. You said you "discovered" about his other online games.... so he's not honest is he, not by a long shot. I'm sure he's told his wife "he'll stop" too. It's next to impossible to have a 'real' relationship with someone who is so far away and someone you've never met. I'm sure this makes a great fantasy for you and an enjoyable mental exercise but that's all it is. It's bad enough to get jerked around by people right in your back yard... but to allow this guy yank your chain from hundreds of miles away is just plain nuts. I'm not meaning to offend you in any way. I don't think you realize what you're doing to yourself. Give some thought to what you are doing and then please consider turning the heat up on your marriage, or getting out of it and meeting some guys in your town that you can hold hands with, kiss. That's reality, not this. The most the two of you should and can be are a pen pal's, romance with someone you've never met is truly insane.

If you choose the behaviour - ignore your intuition, stay in a relationship with someone who clearly lies to you, stay in a relationship with someone whom you don't trust - then YOU also choose the consequences. Allowing someone to take your happiness and get you to the point of a breakdown is very disrespectful to yourself as is finding CLEAR evidence of his deception and allowing him to bamboozle you with MORE lies, as is STILL questioning "what might be going on" and "what I could do to stop it". Your boyfriend is an ass but in the name of personal responsibility you let it get to this, sorry to say. Stop ignoring and questioning clear evidence, stop deflecting the truth and buying into his crap and stop blocking out your inner voice (with his rubbish) which is telling all you need to know, the truth. I think the important step here is the above... to stop lying to yourself, the next step obviously is to kick him to the curb. There are ways to leave controlling, manipulative people... you just have to want to enough. Go to the authorities and get a restraining order if his harassment calls for it. Good luck

I'm going to have a stab at this because it seems you desperately need to hear something. Excuse my frankness but I think you made your bed along time ago in this relationship and now are going to have to lie in it. No, your husband is not going through a mid life crisis. When you treat someone with contempt and disrespect for years on end, just taking them for granted assuming you'll be together forever more just because you're married whilst not working at a single thing, rather treating and speaking to them less than a friend, treating and speaking to them as if you own them, you'd better expect one day they're going to wake up and want something a lot better for themselves. OK, so you've woken up to the above... but I think it's a little too late for this relationship. Perhaps you can take what you've learnt and apply it to a new one, but not this one. Your ex has every reason to think if you hooked up again it'll be exactly as it was.... because it eventually will be....... You want him now more because you just can't have him.... I promise you that's what's driving your feelings more than anything. As soon as things go back to what they were, those old dynamics between you will come straight back. It takes real work, time, tons of awareness and discipline on a minute, hourly and daily basis to change ANYTHING about ourselves.... being aware of your anger or conditionally giving nature is NOT enough for real change. On top of that, you will need to work at changing how you two relate every minute, hour and day..... yet, it's been ingrained for years and years. I honestly don't think it's likely to succeed, not with any permanency anyway, just FAR too easy to slip into old ways. I feel you should let this go for now.... you're too attached to the outcome for it to work even if you did hook up, being attached to something creates fear and a feeling of lacking which means wanting it is about getting your needs met rather than genuinely wanting to give without conditions. Let it go, be on your own, work on your own issues, realise that the only person responsibile for your happiness is you..... no one else can do it for you, only then can you love and give unconditionally

A relationship isn't worth anything other than anxiety without trust.... Elvis hit the nail on the head "we can't go on together with suspiscious minds". Don't know whom you don't trust more, your girl or your friends.... not a good thing either way. Don't know what more to tell you really..... the details of your situation all lead back to the trust issue. Good luck!

I totally get the sadness associated with her not wanting to remain friends.... I like the idea of being friends with my ex's too, given all that we've shared and the fact we know each other so well... but it's not always worked out that way, not for long anyways. Shame really. I guess it's easier for some people to let the emotional train go by. In hindsight however, it was for the best. You have a great attitude Jdratx... what will be will be, it's her loss, moving right along!. Hope your date went well! HA!. *HUG* Quill

A very heartfelt letter indeed I agree with the other poster that if she had any inclination to be friends, you would have heard from her by now. You asked: "Do ya think I should forget about this gal completely if I don't receive the response I'm looking for?". Depends on the response you're looking for. I'm guessing just ANY response from her is what you're looking for right now.... you may get something, but it probably wont be the friendship on the level you desire, not anytime soon anyway. I don't suggest making this ultimatum if you're not fully prepared to follow through on never contacting her again. As soon as you hit send you need to let it go... you may never hear from her again and that's it. Just my personal thoughts on a few things with the content.... "I just figured 3 months later would be enough time for you to have healed, as my heart has come pretty darn close to completely mending itself." If you are writing telling her how you feel, then stick with that... telling her how SHE should feel, is not wise. Perhaps: "Three months on I feel I have healed enough to try and be true friends with you.... I understand you may not be there yet and that is OK" (you get the picture). "Don't you miss me at all or at least miss having the friendship we shared? Don't you want that back?" You don't know where she's at... she may very well NOT miss you, your friendship and not want it back at all (actions speak louder than words remember)... just feels like you're wanting her to feel and want what you want. Stick with "I" statements... *I* miss you, *I* miss our friendship and *I* would like it back. "If you end up deciding that you would prefer to lose a friend that actually does care about you, then...." You're telling her she's going to make a mistake in deciding to lose a friend that cares about her if she doesn't contact you. To her, it may not be a mistake at all.... don't imply it. The old "I" statements and nothing more. Perhaps "Well, I'm also very sorry to say that this WILL [no wishy-washy stuff, either this is your last mail to her or it's not] be the last letter I ever write you if I don't hear something back relatively soon. If that is the case, I understand and I'd like to say goodbye to you right now, wishing you the absolute best of luck with your life...". Don't mean to be picky if that's how you perceived my comments.... hope it helps. Best of luck!

You posted a few days ago asking the exact same question.... should you or shouldn't you send your letter. Don't know what you want to hear to be honest.

Yup, I again see where you're coming from Gilgamesh... makes sense... good chance she'll wake up too!. The majority of my thoughts in that reply were intended for Suzanne... hence suggesting she should call him and say what she has to say. Hope things work out for BOTH of you!

Gilgamesh..... I know where you're coming from, but the fact is if you WERE over them you wouldn't need to send them a letter telling THEM that.... they would know already, in no uncertain terms, by your actions. Dear John letters may seem like a good idea at the time. "Why not?" you think. "I've got all this anger and hurt inside me and they've treated me badly and I've got to let them know how I feel and how dare they...." But writing down all your deepest hurts and thoughts and sending them to someone is never really a good idea, instead of ending your pain, you will perpetuate it. It will not achieve the feeling within you're hoping it will (even though, right now, you think it will)..... The point of writing such a letter is for YOUR closure, correct? Yes, it's a symoblic ritual for YOU, THEY, at this point, do not need to know or even care about your inner workings, if they did, they wouldn't have treated you as they did..... if you need to release your negativity onto a page, write your heart out then burn it in a ritual perhaps also involving cards, letter, photos. This is about YOU, not them.... believe me when I tell you after a ritual like this you will walk away with a smile on your face and a skip in your step. Truth is whenever you blame someone for YOUR experiences in life, for how THEY made you feel, you are giving away your power, don't give them anymore than you already have. You will keep your power if you just call him and say, as calmly and as assertively as you possibly can, that you never want to see or hear from him again.... don't wait to have your words questioned or manipulated, say what you have to say and hang up. And then get on with your life. That's the best way I know to achieve closure, keeping your power and energy for YOU.

You mean you are going to profess your undying love at the end of the date?, ask her to be in a relationship with you?... what exactly?!. I understand you're head over heels but you need to cool it right down and just go with the flow.... by telling her you're in love (or whatever you're planning to tell her along those lines) you're trying to control and rush things to suit your feelings. You know she likes you because she accepted a date (or two) and she's said you're a lovely guy.... now back off and date her without the heavy emotional "laying it on the line" stuff.... it's just WAY too early, let her get to know you, let her discover and grow her feelings for you with TIME. Getting to know somene is a process... you can't rush it now matter how much you want to.... relax and trust whatever is meant to be will be. I really don't know what you have in mind to tell her but I wouldn't go there..... you're likely to face rejection by putting her on the spot seeing as she has stated she is not ready for a 'serious' relationship. It's not the hand in life you're dealt, it's how you play it.... no pressure works best in my experience.

Yes it's VERY common for people to break up with somone using the explanation of "I need space, it's not you, it's me, you're wonderful and perfect, you didn't do anything wrong, I want to be friends, there's no one else". 99% of the time it's complete rubbish.... just a lot easier to come out with those lines than have to face their own truth, let alone verbalise it to you and have to deal with your added rejection pain. It's rather cowardly.... they want what they want without any drama or guilt and to keep the status quo. Truth is, people just don't break up with someone they're happy with, with someone they see a future with... they just don't. If someone "needs space to find themselves" they discuss their needs and negotiate them within the relationship because they love and care about you (and the relationship) enough to work at it, they don't throw the baby out with the water. Only your ex knows her real reasons for breaking up with you, I suggest you do not mess with your head trying to find meaning in her words to you or her friend.... look at a persons actions, they will ALWAYS speak louder. Be good to yourself.... accept what is by giving up any wishful thinking, bid her a fond farewell in your heart and mind, physically too if that's what you need to move on. Personally, if someone no longer wants to be with me and needs a break, I'll grant them a permanent one on every level, no questions asked and no looking back. Smile, you're now free to find someone who REALLY wants to be with you!.

I'm sorry for your pain Sonja.... betrayel is a difficult emotion to get through, but get through it you will... with time. Obviously you broke up because you instinctively sensed this man was not the one for you.... I understand your pain, but try to remind yourself of that fact, often. Be thankful you no longer relate with him on an emotional or physical level... jump for joy!, he is not the one for you!, better to find out now than many, many years from now. Personally I would cut ALL my ties with him in no uncertain terms... as hard as that may be, it's a necessary step in healing and moving on... unless of course you consider someone who is a liar and a cheat worthy of friendship. You don't need someone like this in your life... he's certainly not the person you thought he was and that, is the painful part but it's also reality. Don't look back!.

Hey there TMB, 1. Which one is it... you don't know why they don't like you or you definitely know that it's because of the whole skater stereotype?. Why are skateboarders looked down upon at your school?. You sound clean and clever enough to me so honestly, if they're staying away because of some stereotype (no idea what it is) then you don't need em. You want a girl who's as clever enough as you and can figure out that who and what you are is a lot more important than some stereotype. Be patient, she's out there. 2. Do you really want to be friends with someone who treats/treated and speaks to you like that?. She sounds like an insensitive, selfish person... what do you see in her TO want to be friends is the real question!!!.

Hiya Juicyfruit!, What exactly does "a guy and I really clicked after becoming great friends" mean exactly?. That seems to imply you were really great friends then something romantic happened between you, taking it to the next level. But, that can't obviously be the case if he's dating other girls. Could you please elaborate more on what the dynamics of your relationship was before he started dating other girls

The lies and manipulations some men tell are bad enough.... the lies and rationalising women tell themselves, further decreasing their self respect are FAR worse. I DO understand how our brains switch off when our hearts are involved however. Sorry if I was too harsh Very Confused/Swing Fox... sometimes though, it's what people need to snap some reality back into their consciousness. All the best

Which bit of I no longer want you and am no longer in love with you did you not get?. Which bit of I no longer want you, am no longer in love with you, am not coming home AND my actions will CLEARLY show you that, did you not get?.... He's playing you for a total chump and you're letting him walk all over you!. Time to take the blinders off dear lady.... I will spell things out... I promise you the girl he started seeing after "he moved out of the house" was on the scene before he told you it was over for him with you.... she was the catalyst for that decision. He's a proven liar and here you are telling yourself you believe him when he tells you he's not having sex with her, she's just a friend who understands him. Puuleaze, that's the oldest line in the book!. WHY wouldn't he be having a sexual relationship with her?!.... he left you so he can pursue whomever he likes guilt free, he has no interest in working anything out with you, he's a liar.... PROMISES he wont have anything more to do with her yet ALSO says he will not give her up AND she's in love with him. You're in love with him, he doesn't want that much more to do with you... other than sex and he's sure not giving you up entirely either. You're seriously deluding yourself if you think he's not screwing her AND others and feeding them the same lines of crap he's feeding you (do you honestly think he's telling them you two are having sex once a week... or do you think perhaps he's telling them there's nothing more but friendship going on?). The guy no longer wants you, no longer is in love with you, moves out, has someone else and here you are flipping about said girl and making him promise not to have anything more to do with her?!. Something wrong with that picture from your end. Here's what I see... he's keeping you around throwing you the occasional verbal hope hook, which you're buying hook line and sinker whilst the majority of the time he's telling you EXACTLY where he's at (but you're not really listening) whilst he goes has some fun exploring what's out there..... after he's had his fun and he hasn't met anyone who'll put up with his bullshit quite like you do he'll come running back with every sweet word you've ever heard... and it'll all once again be lies and an act. He's got some pretty big issues... commitment being one of them, immuturity another. YOU really need to grow some self-respect and some courage and put a stop to this... it's degrading how your letting yourself be treated. He's using you and you KNOW it, wants half his cake and eat it too. Yuck!. I wouldn't want this guy back if you paid me. You ARE putting your life on hold and to be honest this is the type of guy you WANT to stop talking to so he CAN forget using you in his childish games. Move on. PS It's not about feelings of guilt... it's ALL about manipulation.

Are you being selfish or what? Let's see..... your husband prefers to get off on videos and pc porn rather than with real life you, his wife, then has the nerve to demean you by saying it is YOU who is the unattractive one because you want REAL intimacy with HIM... oh yes, and then lays on another layer of self centredness by saying you must wait until the mood (ie bored with the porn) suits him to come to you. No darlin', you most definitely are not the self centered one in this scenario. He's trying to minimise his actions by turning things around onto you with his words.... as if you are the one with the problem. It's manipulation. Don't let him get away with it. Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable... to you and to your marriage, it WILL pay the price. Tell him what changes you want and stick to them. Good luck

How well do you know him for starters?. I mean, if he's a good friend of yours, you hang out all the time it would be hard to not tell him. But, on the other hand if you aren't good friends the only reason I would tell him is if you feel she broke up with him so she could start dating your ex... he would have a right to know that. However, you said they were going to break up anyway, it wasn't a surprise... so it doesn't sound like she dumped him to be with your ex. What a horrible friend you have (HAD I hope), not to mention your ex. You really don't need people like this in your life.... on any level.

OK, so I get that you're trying to figure out what she was thinking phoning you at 2 am from her boyfriends house when you've agreed not to speak to each other but as for the rest of it I'm lost. Did you speak to her? What was said? Because from your number "3) it was the guy" it sounds like you didn't actually talk or your talked to the guy or you just got caller ID or, or, or. Could you just clear things up a bit, please.