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hey captain, i've been following your posts for quite some time on this girl. believe me, i know how much it hurts to be rejected by someone you love or thought you loved. probably the worst feeling in the world. i wanted to respond to some of your thoughts, in the hopes that I could personally be responsible for helping you move on from this breakup. yes, i'd like to be that super breakup warrior hero for you. OK, let's get down to it: thing is, you ARE doing too much and coming on too hard, and i absolutely promise you that she can sense that. you two are broken up, so you should not be in contact with her AT ALL. i don't care if you both have the same friends and happen to run into each other all the time--there is no coincidence in your actions when it comes to her, only intentions! how about trying this: don't call her at all! that's what no contact is all about, and i'm sorry to say this, but every single person on this message board can't be wrong about implementing it. it's the only way for you to heal from this. and since i know at this point you're most likely only concerned with winning her back, let me put it to you this way: the ONLY way that will ever happen in a million years is if you STOP OBSESSING, STOP PUTTING HER ON A PEDESTAL, AND MOVE ON!! If your goal is to win her back, and I think we all know that's what it is, date other people, get back to your old hobbies and friends, and your old way of life when you were a happy single person and forget about her. at the very least, even if she never comes back to you, you'll be in a position to move on from her. stop asking the 'what if i do this?' questions, b/c they have nothing to do with yourself, they have to do with HER, and that's your worst mistake. i'm speaking from experiencing this myself. exactly! so stop the madness!!! so you recognize yourself as behaving insecurely? and you're doing nothing to stop it!!!???? why don't you offer to babysit her cats while she's on a trip with her new boyfriend? hey, if you're gonna be this nice to someone who's crushed your heart, why not take it to the next level?! to this i say, "who cares if she goes?!" and by the way, don't go, even if you think there's only a minute possibility she could be there. i'm sure your friend will understand. see, I disagree with Tex. Ya'll are broken up, and she hasn't responded to any of your attempts to contact you in the past. That should be closure enough for you. look, breakups suck a whole bunch of mustard, and they hurt like hell, but 6 months down the line, i guarantee you it will feel a THOUSAND times better to look back on this period in your life and say "hey, at least i behaved with dignity and self-respect even though i felt like sh*t. i didn't lose it and behave like a psycho ex-boyfriend." think about how you'll feel when you run into her and, even if you still have those feelings for her, aren't embarrassed by the way you behaved. keep your dignity intact, man. again, sorry for the tough love, but i'm trying to help you out and get you through this. ((BIG HUG))

I don't think you can ever flush your ex out your system completely. Every relationship you have helps mold you into the person you are today, at least in my opinion. If you loved someone deeply, they will always be a part of who you are and hold a place in your heart, albeit a small place. I agree that the mind plays tricks on you, and you play that romantic revisionist game, thinking your ex was the most wonderful person in the world, when that's obviously not the truth. It's hard to get out of that mindset, but it's possible by occupying yourself with hobbies, getting out with friends, even therapy if need be. Remembering you had a life before your ex, when you were happy and single, is also important. When I'm feeling most down about my own breakup, I try to remember a time in the past when either I was dumped or something wretched happened to me that I thought I would never recover from, and I think, hey if I got through that, I can get through this as well. And I'll come out on top and much stronger for it. Hope that helps.

I'm glad that you realize that you're not ready for a new relationship. A lot of people say that the best way to get over one person is to find another, but I think you need to give yourself time to grieve and reflect over what went wrong in the last relationship before you move on to the next. That way, you'll prevent yourself from making the same mistakes over and over again. You're a good person for being so upfront and honest with the new guy, because a lot of people would "use" that person so they wouldn't have to feel sad about their ex, and this isn't fair to that person. Also, as sucky as it is, sometimes people just need to be sad for a little while in their lives. The people who move on so quickly don't like to feel shi*ty, they just want to fill the void that was created when their exes left. You can't diminish the heartache you feel when you lose somebody, you can only work through it and give yourself time. It's smart to realize this and give yourself the time you need. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling crappy. Another thing you said that really hit home w/me is that you remember that there was a life you had before you met your ex, when you were happy by yourself. It IS hard to learn to be alone again, but in my opinion, you'll be stronger and happier in the long-run if you have some down time by yourself to reflect and figure out your priorities. Take this time to grow as a person, and figure out what makes YOU happy. One thing that has helped me in the grieving process is remembering a time in the past when I thought all was lost and that I would never get over something bad that had happened, and think about how you lived through that and how it has shaped you into who you are. Good luck coco. ((hugs))

I went through something similar, but not to this degree, with my ex. I always felt jealousy and anger b/c he would stay out late, not call when he said he would, etc., and even though I tried to tell myself it was my own faults and insecurities, it actually wasn't. Realizing that the relationship was a two-way street that BOTH sides need to work on gave me the strength to leave it. It sounds like you have tried to tell him your feelings about him drinking and staying out late, but they have fallen on deaf ears. To make matters worse, he doesn't introduce you to the people he is supposedly hanging out with. I would be especially PO'd if my boyfriend didn't introduce me to his friends or acquaintances. That's just plain disrespect right there. That's what it all comes down to: do you feel respected and loved in this relationship? It sounds like the answer is no. I say, don't give him until the end of the month to get out; dump his a*s out on the street PRONTO. If he wants you badly enough, he'll do what he can to prove he is worthy of your love. But you need to stand up for yourself and not take his crappy treatment for one second longer.

For now, I'd like to get to know the guy and keep things casual. If it progresses into something more, great, if not, it's no big deal. But I don't want him to think he can just call whenever and I'll be available. That seems to be the kiss of the death. Also, if we hung out tonight and things went well, I'd expect for him to ask to take me out on a real date.

I think you shouldn't respond. Give him a chance to really miss you. If he wants to get back with you, he will move mountains to prove it. Stay strong hon.

Ok, so I met a guy last Saturday out at the bar, and before I leave he asks for my number. I hardly think about it until Wednesday when I get a voicemail from him saying he'll be out w/friends Thursday and Friday and wants me to come meet him for a drink either of those days if I'm available. So I'm thinking I'll be coy and say I'm busy tomorrow, but let's meet Friday. Well, when I call back he doesn't answer so I leave a voicemail saying just that, and now it's Friday and I still haven't gotten a return phone call. What gives?! Is this guy "playing the game" with me?

Just thought I'd do a post that would help us remember the things that irritated the hell out of us about our exes, but we were so blinded by love we looked past it. My own personal list: 1) his cheapness 2) his dragonbreath blowing into my face when he slept b/c he couldn't breathe through his nose 3) his obsession w/gambling and all things poker 4) when he'd buy me presents that HE wanted 5) the time it took him a week to call me when we were LD 6) me having to wake up early to drive him to work so he could get there on time...grrrrrrrr ugh, what an A-HOLE! he was never good enough for me

i hope jordan is right that me dreaming about my ex every night is part of the healing process! otherwise, my brain is turning against me... i have a question: does anyone have moments in the middle of the night where they wake up and just lay there, thinking about your ex? i can get to sleep quickly but after about 5 or 6 hours i suddenly wake up. b/c this has happened to me EVERY NIGHT since the breakup, like clockwork...it is soooo dreadful ](*,)

She could be doing it to make you jealous, or she could just be really excited about dating this new guy. Chances are, she isn't REALLY in love with him if she just got out of her relationship with you. Regardless of what her motives are, don't look at her myspace or facebook page if she has one; you need to completely cut her out of your life to move on, physically, mentally, emotionally and electronically!! You are only torturing yourself by trying to figure out who she is with and what she is up to. The extremely harsh fact of the matter is, she's moving on, and so should you.

In my opinion, thinking that "she is worth it" is not the same as being happy. The person you are with should contribute happiness to your life, not heartache. I will say, I think it's great that she motivated you in a positive way b/c of her strong work ethics. She probably taught you a lot about what you want in a future partner. I sincerely doubt that she never felt the same way that you did, especially since you two dated for so long and were engaged. It sounds like she has a lot of issues to sort through before she can be with anyone. All of the stuff that happened to her is very traumatic, but these are things that SHE needs to work through that YOU CAN'T FIX.

yeah, that really sucks. my ex found a job and moved to the city i'm in so we could be together. we talked about buying a place, adopting a dog, having kids, other cities we would like to live in, the whole shebang. but in the end, we realized we were not right for each other. the way i see it, when you're with the right person, it should be effortless and easy. there shouldn't be all of this hard work, drama and relationship talks (well, maybe SOMETIMES you should have "the talk"...but generally, the relationship should be light and fun). slightly off the subject, but i'm wondering: can you honestly say that this girl has been making you happy and adding to your life for the better?

I went through the same dramatics with my ex, so I can definitely relate. It's like a vicious cycle that will never end unless you put a stop to it. It sounds like your relationship went into self-destruct mode awhile ago. I think once it starts having this much baggage, as difficult as it is, it's best to walk away and cut your losses. Remove this person from your life completely so that you can heal and find someone who will give you the relationship you truly want. Try to remember, it's not like you didn't give the relationship a good shot. It is just as much her fault as it is yours that it failed, so don't take all the weight on your own shoulders.

I agree with Kellbell. Sending the letter is not going to bring you closure. The act of writing it is a step in closure, b/c at least you get your true feelings out there. It isn't true that you won't move on unless you break NC--if you can be honest with yourself, you are looking for a way to contact him b/c you are hurting. But look at it this way, he is the REASON you are hurting. If he wants to come back to you and truly loves you, he will move mountains to win you back.

I feel like the only way I will completely heal from my breakup is by staying away from not just my ex, but friends who comes into contact with him on a regular basis. His close friends from before we started dating have not tried to contact me, even though we were all friendly and liked one another, and I know that is to be expected. It hurts, but I expected it. However, there are people that we met during our 5 year relationship that see him often, and they still invite me to do stuff that I'm almost certain he is going to be at. I don't want to know anything, or to be told anything about him...is it too extreme to cut those people out? I am only 2 weeks into my breakup, and I'd like to have hardcore NC for at least two months. At the same time, I don't want to lose those friendships permanently...

yeah right

Have you completely cut this guy out of your life?

My ex said all the same things to me about settling down, and how he would love me forever. I've realized now that the only thing that is definite in life is change, and sometimes what changes are the feelings of your significant other. I'm sure that your ex did honestly feel that way at the time he was saying all those things to you, but his feelings have faded. It's not your fault, and there's really nothing you can do to control it, other than to move on. It sounds like you're quite a catch, so you don't need to worry about being alone. You'll find someone new who is much better than this guy and can give you the love that you want. You're not going nuts, you're experiencing one of the most traumatic things a human being can go through. Sometimes I think that the way you go through a breakup is the same process of grieving when someone they love dies. You go through shock, depression, anger then finally acceptance. I know it sucks and it hurts (I'm only a week and a half into my breakup). You're going to have your good and bad days, but you WILL feel better. Have faith--you just need to give yourself time. Take care of yourself

Then you have to give him that time. Be strong. If he is the mature type (obviously, only you really know this about him), then he could honestly be taking the time off to re-examine where the relationship is going. Don't assume the worst (that is the best advice I got when going through the same ordeal). Although my relationship did not work out, yours has a solid chance if you don't make the same mistakes I did (calling, emailing, asking for reassurance, etc.) and allowing him to sort out his feelings. Here is a link to an article that might help you feel better: link removed I hope this helps.

First of all, you need to relax b/c freaking out and getting paranoid is only going to make things worse. Can you tell me more about your situation? I was in the exact same position as you a few weeks back, so I know how you feel and it's terrible and lonely, but you've GOT TO control your emotions right now. Do whatever it takes to take your mind off of things: go shopping, work out, hang out with friends, see movies, write in your journal, do ANYTHING but call him right now. Did he tell you how much space and time he needed exactly?

Sunshine, I understand how you feel. But what you have to wrap your head around is the fact that if is if this guy TRULY loved you, he would not do this to you. You don't hurt the ones you love like this. He keeps coming back b/c, yes, he misses you and probably does love or care about you (in his own way), but you are better than this and deserve a solid guy who won't act this way toward you. Don't let him break up with you again by taking him back. You miss him b/c he IS a part of your life, and he always will be. But it's past now. Like you said, you are close with his family and friends. Believe me, I feel the same way about my ex. I know I am going to miss all the relationships I had formed when we were a couple. I dated my ex for 5 years, and have been to funerals, baptisms, birthday parties for nieces and nephews, supported my ex when he was an emotional wreck, the whole nine yards. But when someone turns their backs on you like this, you have to look at the bigger picture and see that even though the relationship was a huge part of your life, you can't get sucked back into it if it's not making you happy. Don't settle for less than you're worth.

No you aren't! It sounds like your ex is an immature idiot. I mean, how old is this guy? Obviously he has his own messed up way of dealing with this breakup. For the time being, don't participate in this game he is playing with you. Don't pick up when he calls. He is only trying to get a rise out of you.

We had a blowout two Fridays ago when we were both out and drunk. The next day, I apologized for the fight, but he said he just didn't know if we could make it work anymore and that he was very hurt by everything I said to him. He said it seemed like we were having the same arguments over and over and nothing was changing. I told him I would come over to his place to talk about it (which he agreed to), but after I got off the phone, I realized I was sick of trying to make things work and I called him back and told him we should cut ties. He told me he loved me and I said the same, and I hung up. So I am the one who said the words, but I am certain he was feeling that was for the best as well.

Hi everyone...first, I just want to say that I love this site. It has been there for me like no other friend has through the turbulence of my love life. It really helps me to know that there is hope for those of us going through a breakup. I came on this site 2 years ago when my ex and I broke up for the first time after 3 years of dating in college. We tried to be friends, but things got rough when he started dating another girl, so for about 4 months we did not talk. I dated around a bit, but nothing got serious, and when his relationship with the new girl fell through, we started hanging out again. It basically felt like we were dating (dinner dates, hooking up, etc.), but the words were never spoken until last summer when I told him we couldn't just be friends anymore. So we decided to give it another whirl for about a year and things were great until he moved back from college. We spent literally every day together. Drove to work together, we had lunch and dinner together, basically attached at the hip. I think spending this much time with one another ultimately drove a wedge b/w us. I was relying too heavily on him for my sense of self, while he was taking our relationship for granted. So, we broke up last week. What sucks is, I read all these posts about cutting the person out of your life completely, but I feel like I can't just do that. I have broken NC twice now, once going to his house to drop off a gift I had purchased before the breakup for his nephew, and then today when we exchanged the following emails: I miss you. Did you have a good weekend? - me I don't know what to say...my weekend was alright...I am just trying to get on the best I can - him I understand, I am doing the same. Do you want to try having lunch as friends, or is that too weird? - me I'm sorry but I really don't think I am ready for that. I hope you can stay positive and find some outlets for your time. It's been really hard for me, but I am trying to get my life together and figure out where I am headed. -him Ugh, just rereading the emails is embarrassing. Ok, so now I've realized he doesn't want any contact with me. But every morning I want to check his facebook for any crumbs of his life that I can get, to the point where I've become obsessed over it. He added pictures of us when we went out a few weeks ago and it just made me more upset, but also strangely happy that he still wanted me to see them, even after everything that's happened. Should I just unfriend him so I don't have any access to this information? It feels so painful to have to cut him out completely, but is this the only way? Sorry, I know this post is all over the place, but any advice is appreciated!

If you are too clingy, believe me in the end, it will only drive your boyfriend away. You need to create activities and hobbies to occupy your time if you haven't already. No one person can make you whole or completely happy; only you can do that yourself. It is too much pressure on a person if they have to be pleasing you all the time in order for you to be happy. And think about it, even if he is constantly up your booty all the time, it probably won't ever be enough. It all stems from your own insecurities. I agree with the above posters, find time for yourself and become more independent. It will help your relationship more than you could ever imagine.