kekep

wow, this post really makes me feel a lot better, even though i was the dumpee. i know the breakup has been hard for my ex as well, from the emails i've received and late night drunk dials... it's hard to move on when the love is still there, but not the energy for commitment. i truly believe that 2 people can love and respect each other, but just not be a good fit in the long run. just my 2 cents.

Damn, that really sucks. Keep up with the NC though--one little glitch isn't that big of a deal in the scheme of things.

You're just going through the motions of dealing with NC. The concept of NC is simple, but the temptation to break it can be overwhelmingly difficult. I know EXACTLY what you're going through when you mentioned not going to places you think you might see her at. Sometimes I feel physically ill at the thought that I might see my ex out and about. It sucks b/c they are probably places that you really enjoy frequenting. I really think that you just have to give them up until you're over her.

Thanks wishiknew. I agree totally. I think I'm angry too b/c it just goes to show how egocentric he is. What, I'm supposed to serve as an ego boost on the nights you're feeling lonely? I'd rather go to hell than give him that satisfaction

Woke up this morning and had 8 missed calls from my ex and 2 text messages, one saying "Where are you?" and the other saying "I'm drunk and tired and need someone to talk to." I'm not even sad about it, just kind of weirded out. And a little pissed. Why does it have to be like this? Sorry, don't have much else to say about it, just needed to post on here because it was really unexpected.

Have you considered that you may only want her so much now b/c things are over? You said you didn't realize what you had until it was gone; are you implying that you took her for granted?

From my personal experience, I have found that it is very hard for a person's old feelings to come back once they've lost them. My ex and I broke up for a year, and even though we got back together, that original luster that comes with the honeymoon stage of the relationship was never fully renewed. It never quite got back to the way I wanted things to be. That isn't to say it isn't possible for her feelings to come back; plenty of people breakup and get back together, and their relationships are better than ever. So who knows! And this goes without saying (you said so yourself): don't use NC to try and bring your ex back. The ONLY chance you have of bringing your ex back to you in any way is by completely letting go of the idea of getting back together and moving on.

I guess I'm posting this b/c I've seen a lot of marriages fail when the parties involved married in their lower 20's as opposed to closer to their 30's. Silly, I know...but it seems to me that if you're too young you may not even know what you want in a partner yet, esp. if you've been in only one or two serious relationships. just my 2 cents though

Is marrying at a young age a bad idea? My friend is 24 yrs old, and has been dating a guy for a year and a half, and they're getting married in June. He is in the army and stationed up in Alaska, so she moved up there to be with him and now they're engaged. I just have a bad feeling about this for some reason, and was wondering what you guys think.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way right now. Feelings of worthlessness are pretty normal, especially after a traumatic breakup. But you say you've been having these feelings for a while now? I think you may need to go talk to somebody if you dislike yourself this immensely. Did something happen to you in the past that has caused you to feel this way before? Have you had any other relationships that ended badly? I had the same self-esteem problem in high school, and I went and talked to a counselor, which helped me realize I was a fairly self-destructive person who was not kind to myself and allowed others to use me. Believe me when I tell you this: you are a good person who deserves to be loved 100%. Nobody should be able to make you feel worthless; only YOU can allow someone else to let you feel that way. I read through the rest of your post, and I think another issue you have may be dependency. You have to realize that in the future, you can't put all of your eggs in one basket like you did with this guy. You need to live a life of balance that allows that person you are with to be themselves, and allows you to be your individual self; only then can you come together in a healthy, loving and balanced relationship. It sounds like you were so immersed in your future with this person that you didn't focus at all on the present. Learn to love yourself and find out the person that YOU are, especially before you enter into another relationship with the next person. This isn't to say I don't believe you shouldn't think of a future with the person you are with. And I'm sorry that this relationship ended for you, I truly am. I think you will find love, just focus on you and being alone for awhile so you can figure out your path in life.

congrats on getting to day 46 of NC! come on, don't go ruining your track record now. you can pull through this. think of it this way also: he, more than likely, doesn't want you to contact him. it will just make him feel awkward and/or bad about the breakup. sending him a letter will cause you more pain, and give him the satisfaction of knowing you are still, at the very least, thinking about him

i agree with redding. girls are attracted to guys with confidence, sometimes even more than looks. keep practicing with different girls you meet. just put yourself out there--you'd be surprised at how much you have to talk about with people. and even if you get rejected, console yourself with the fact that you were brave enough to put yourself out there.

I was in a long-term relationship that ended about 4 months ago. I'm still working through the pain, but have found myself going out more and pushing myself to be socially active so I can meet more people, so I think that's helping me heal faster. The other day I went shopping at Saks with a friend of mine I used to work with. It turned out that she happened to know one of the guys who works in the men's department (they both used to live in San Francisco and he dated a friend of hers). He was so fine! Anyway, my friend told me he was single and incredibly nice. Would it be too weird for me to ask her to set us up? One more problem: He is in his mid-thirties and I'm only 23. Even though I think age doesn't really matter, I think it would hinder her from setting us up....advice anyone?

way to go princess! i was not as strong as you when my ex contacted me, but i hope i will be in the future. no contact is tough, but it's the only way to make i through the bad times. based on what i've read in your post, i think giving this guy another minute of your time would be selling yourself short. good luck to you!

I think you are being unfair to yourself by putting a time limit on your grieving. It takes awhile to get over lost love--you need to be more generous to yourself. It's okay to grieve for awhile. I'm not saying purposefully wallow, and I'm definitely not saying sit around and do nothing during this time (nothing could be worse for you!), but understand that grieving takes awhile and you can't just snap out of it whenever you feel like it. The sucky part about time is it takes time. I think the reason we put our exes on pedestals is our minds are trying to reconcile why our hearts are hurting so much, so we think of only the positive things that person did and wonder how we blew it with the most awesome person in the world. Please allow me to burst that little bubble--you didn't! That said, console yourself that the day will come when you'll wonder why you were so hung up on this person, and you'll most likely be with someone 1000 times better by then.

Based on all of your postings, I think it's too soon for you two to meet up, but since I'm about 99% positive that it's going to happen anyway, I'd advise for you not to try not turning into a blithering mess the moment you see her. Maintain your composure, man, and make sure you have some semblance of what you're going to say and/or ask her. I have to warn you, the other morning I thought I was emotionally stable enough to extend the olive branch out to my ex so I emailed him, and even though I got a somewhat polite "I still care for you" response from him, it left me in shambles and set me back quite a bit. BUT, if you feel that meeting with her is the only way you can get past your emotions, by all means do it. Just be prepared that it could leave you with more questions than answers in the end. That being said, what's the plan Stan?

I know exactly how you feel. I look around and it seems like there are lovey-dovey couples everywhere--at work, the malls, bars, pretty much everywhere you look! But a wise friend told me something that really struck home: All of those couples and people you see that seem so happy, they ALL have problems and issues in their relationships too. Nobody has a perfect relationship, and neither will you. And most likely, someone who sees you might think you have your sh*t together, and has no idea that you're going through emotional turmoil right now. Looks can be deceiving. Not to say there aren't happy and content people out there. But don't fall into the mindset that everyone is OH SO happy with what they have, because a lot of the times, that isn't the case.

deejay, you're an inspiration!!!

big thanks to everyone for your responses

after 2 months of NC, i pick TODAY of all days to email my ex. yes, even after all my ranting to other enotaloners about how they needed to stay strong and go through NC, I was stupid enough to break it myself. Here is the email and response from my ex...I have been crying at work all day my email Hey there, I'm not sure how you are going to take this considering my last attempt at correspondence with you, but I figured it was worth trying anyway. I know the last time I wrote you said you were not ready to be friends, but I was hoping that at this point you would be willing to give it the ol college try. For awhile, I thought it would be possible (and for the best) to just not have you in my life at all, but you have played such a huge role in my life that I would prefer not to have things that way. If a friendship is not possible for you, I know I will have to accept that as your decision. Either way, I'd like you to know that despite everything, you are still very important to me and I think of you alot. The door will always be open if your answer is no right now. his response It's good to hear from you. There is one side of me that has thought a lot of about you and has been curious to know how you are doing. I truly hope you are doing alright and that you are finding happiness. I know that I personally have been very up and down with my emotions. There are days that I really miss you and days that I am happy and content. There are days that I question my decision to end the relationship and other days that I feel that my decision was for the best. There are times that I enjoy my freedom and the time I have spent traveling and touching base with old friends and there are times when I feel so lonely and I just want to see you, hold you, and talk with you again. As you can see from this I am still a ball of emotions and feelings and I really don't have the stability and clear perspective yet to invite you back into my life. I think it would be too hard and awkward right now and our emotional instability could destory any chance of having a relationship in the future. I think I need to feel comfortable in my life and know where I stand before I can have any type of continued relationship with you. It means a lot that you would reach out to me and I really hope you are doing well. But I still think space and time is what I need to find solid footing in my life and to sort everything out can i ask, why the hell do i do this to myself?!! oh well, back to square one...

well said kellbell...a relationship should add to your life, not BE your life. sorry for your loss anyway, missme...i know it hurts like hell. we're here for you though.

You're exactly correct. Even though you two are no longer together, it seems like she still desires a connection with you. Whatever her motives may be, bottom line is, she betrayed you. And you can't allow her have her cake and eat it too. She is being selfish by calling you. What she wants is to make sure she still has some kind of a hold on you, and that's preventing you from fully moving on from this. As painful as it is to not hear from my ex right now, I know he is doing me a favor by not giving me any hope. I think I'd be angry and confused if he did call b/c it would get in the way of my healing. I say, let her sort through her own issues alone or with this a**hole boss of hers, b/c that was the choice that she made.

i think she was just making up an excuse to call. i know it feels good that she misses you, but i agree with the poster who said unless she's calling to say she can't live without you and wants to try again, you should ignore it. if she wants, she can call again.

if you're going to do this, out of respect for the relationship and her, tell her you want space with no talking or other comm for x number of days/weeks/whatever. after that time, if you still don't think the relationship will work, meet up with her and formally break it off.

don't break NC, you'll go back to square uno.