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k33

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  1. k33
    First off kudos to you for doing your own thing. It is so hard, I am about 2 1/2 weeks in and I go back and forth between a mess and hanging in there. I've gone to see bands I wanted to see, movies and yes I have read A LOT. It is so hard to pull yourself out of it, and I am proud that you are doing it. I have to admit, I love that that upset him. That had to feel good. On the kids front, I would say why can't he enjoy the kids you have as his own? A friend of mine always wanted kids and she didn't meet the right guy, so went she was in her 40s she did meet the right guy and he has kids, they have blended the family so that the kids think of her as their other mom. Maybe you can point that out to him. He sounds a little immature and like he is going through a lot. I would just wait and see what happens and keep doing your own thing, you will either find that the good outweighs the bad and get back together, or you will end up dumping him, and feel pretty good about it because you are already taking care of yourself. k33
  2. k33
    Well I didn't see him and I talked to his sister, she is aligned with me, and I adore her so I have no problem seeing her for the visit. He did push me once, nothing major, it was in the heat of it. And I pushed back. But this one isn't my abusive ex. That is a whole other can of worms, which I really hope to never open again! I am hating this, I go from that's it I don't want him anymore, to where is he? will he call? Does he still have feelings for me? I swear I've turned into a 14 year old girl. Maybe a 12 year old... So I am hoping to see him this weekend, but I have done a great job filling up my social calendar for the next couple of weeks. So I may just not have time Making sure to get out of the house and have fun and look sexy and chic... but not trampy. Still don't know what I want, but I think seeing him will give me some insight. The man is finally realizing what he has been doing wrong. And you know we are married and all, and as much as that doesn't really mean anything, it does in a way. So I am leaning towards living separately and spending time together and see what happens, this isn't about wanting to see other people for either of us. So that could work, or at least give me some proper perspective and closure. Or something. Whatcha guys think? Thanks, k33
  3. k33
    Do you have a reason to believe there is another girl? I don't know the whole situtuation, but if I found out I had MS I would be really messed up myself. don't know that I would walk out on someone who obviously loved me. I think I'd lean on them but you know you never know. I think you should talk to him when he isn't hysterical. Early enough so he isn't blasted. If your gut tells you it is a girl and he's lying about a potentially fatal disease... well I would run for the hills. I mean that is just a really bad karma lie! But if your gut tells you otherwise, I dunno, I'd at least talk to him. Don't know if I'd take him back, but I'd talk...
  4. k33
    Thanks! I feel kind of strong and sure of myself. Could all change, but I doubt it. It was a great relationship at first, but then it fell apart because he wouldn't compromise. And he drank too much. "I have now met the most kind and wonderful man and gave him such a hard time when we first met due to what I had experienced with the ex, but he persevered and we are happy and looking to the future together. " I can totally see this happening for me, one of my best friends told me that I will be so hard on the next guy. Trust is going to be a REAL issue for awhile. I am going to just do for myself and if a guy comes along, super, if not, I am going to enjoy myself and do the things I have always wanted to do. The only bit of advice I have for others in the same predicament is to think about the bad stuff. It is so easy to focus on all the gorgeous wonderful things in the relationship. To get past it think of the bad for a while so you don't forget. There are ususally reasons he/she left, or the relationship ended.. so think about it, and think about if you want to deal with it again, and think about if you want to feel the way they made you feel. In my case the fighting and the emotional turmoil is not something I want to repeat. The good times, absolutely I want to repeat them, but they were too few and far between lately. And as much as it all hurts, it's better to get out with some feeling of love for the person left.
  5. k33
    I don't think I want him back. I don't think he deserves me after all the crap he's been pulling. Man that feels good. First good thought in 10 days.
  6. k33
    All my friends are saying to let him go. I probably should. I do tend to hold on to things a bit longer than I should. Seeing him will be pretty rough, and telling. He seems to have a problem with alcohol, and I don't know if I want to deal with that. I wish I could put it off longer but the sister is coming and so that is all very strange. I won't show my cards, especially because I really don't have any to show.
  7. k33
    Thanks. It would help if I knew what I wanted. I am so on the fence. The sister bought the tickets months ago, so can't put it off. She wants to smack him around. Which would be fun to watch. I am pretty sure this will be one of those long processes. Crazy stuff. We were so in love and now. blech. I just don't want to make the wrong long term decision. I'll keep my distance. I've laid it out there, and the ball is in his court. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process. Crazy. k
  8. k33
    Hi everyone, So I am seeing my ex on Weds. I guess he's my ex. Sheesh I don't know anymore. We are married, he decided he didn't love me anymore and he left about 10 days ago (in a fairly psychotic rage). So I've been going through the whole ups and downs, laughing like a crazy person, crying like a crazy person. Basically I am crazy like a crazy person. The whole situation is whacked. He is staying with my abusive ex-husband's friends. (Maybe you shouldn't get married..... yes maybe I shouldn't) His sister is coming over from Australia to stay with me next week, with her husband and baby (no... oh yes) And you know what I don't even know what I want. Do I want to work on things? Kinda. Do I want to break up/divorce? Kinda. Do I want to go to Mexico for 4 months and let it all blow over. Absolutely. I would hate to just end a gorgeous loving relationship for the wrong reasons. But I also don't want to get back together to be going through this in 6 months again. I don't think my heart, my friends, my family, my dog could deal with it. Two questions: 1. What should I hope for? I would like to at least have a civil friendship 2. What do I wear??? My tongue is in my cheek yes, but I am going slightly nuts. Any advice?
  9. k33
    That is the WORST. I hate when they hook up with someone. I went through a phase where my ex's realized they still loved their ex and went back to them. It was 3 guys in a row. Talk about feeling bad! He sounds like a bit of a player and a bit of a jerk. But trust me, I am going through some sort of a break up right now, I know know that people telling you that doesn't make it better. And you also know she is getting the best of him... you know we are all on good behaviour in the beginning. Sucks, I feel for you. Hang in there. k33
  10. k33
    It might be good to give it to him so that you can get it off your chest at least. If he is receptive that is great, if not you can move on finally and know that you did everything you could to make the relationship work. And know that one day he will regret it soooooo bad! I'm a girl though, and that's what I'd do. Good luck! k33
  11. k33
    When I graduated from college I went into a major funk. I was freaked out. Sort of what am I doing? Ack real life??? Maybe she's just freaking out on you? Do you still want to be with her? If so, give her a little space and wait for a bit. Once she sees that you are letting her be she may come around. It's a mystery.
  12. k33
    Oh I totally agree. But the key is he has to want to work it out. So far he's just saying it is over and I don't want to work on it any more. If that is truly the case I have to let him go. I completely love him enough to work through things, but I don't think he loves me enough. You know what I mean? There are tons of awesome things about him, he's smart, funny, talented, gorgeous (imo), sweet, good natured, accepting, snuggly etc. etc. But like I said, if I am doing all the work it will never work. I am just trying to give him space to figure out what he wants and not going after him. If he wants to be with me and work things through that door is open, if he doesn't that's his deal and I will have to move on as much as it kills me.
  13. k33
    I'm really sorry about your dad. The problem with court ordered rehab is that people who don't think they have "a problem" will not do it, or will do it for the wrong reasons. And then they will relapse I just have to sit tight and wait, and it is really really hard. Thanks for the support. k33
  14. k33
    I always wanted to reconcile. I think it is best that it is over, even though I don't want that at all. I don't even know what the problem is. The only time we fight is when alcohol is involved. I think I am going to try to just not contact him for a bit and see what he does. I can't keep feeling like this. It's killing me. He wants to stay to pay me back for all the money I spent. Which I appreciate, but I think he might be staying to try to fix stuff, or something heck I don't know. I never thought he would sleep in the car... I just hope no matter what happens with us that this is bottoming out and he gets some help. Very painful stuff.
  15. k33
    So it just keeps getting better. My husband and I split on friday, I was really good about NC until yesterday. I called he called me back and it turns out that he is living in the car. And he's just drinking and sounds suicidal. I feel horrible. And I don't know what to do. I know I should be tough and stuff with him, NC etc. But you know what I don't want anything to happen to him even though we aren't going to be together anymore. I am thinking of letting him sleep on the couch if he doesn't drink, and getting him a ticket to go home. He's from Australia. This is why I feel responsible to him still. I do still love him and care about him, even though I shouldn't. The heart doesn't work that way. I'm a wreck and I have to be at work with everyone saying what's wrong. I want to curl up in a freaking ball. Any ideas?
  16. k33
    My god that is horrible! I am so glad you are putting it back together. It sloooowly escalates doesn't it. Starts out as a slap. Which you can talk yourself out of, then gets to be more often and more often to the point that you end up expecting it and thinking it is normal. My abusive ex was so normal when he wasn't abusive, I thought I must have made it up. I never ended up in the hospital and he was good at not bruising... I still felt horrible. Strangled, punched, spit on, kicked, slapped, thrown into walls, you name it. I was there. Murrayfaces, I virtually pinksy swear with you that neither of us will ever put up with any of that ever again. EVER. Give me your pinky... Take care of you. Much love. k33
  17. k33
    I am there with you today. I was so strong and F You yesterday, today crying over everything. It has only been 5 days, but all my friends are saying he's a fool, that is what friends are supposed to say you know, and I am thinking yeah he is a fool. Move on and stuff. To someone else a couple of weeks or months is plenty of time, but when you are in it??? Not so much. Once I get all strong, I think of how he used to look at me and touch me and make me smile. It's the look that kills me more than anything. The pure love in his eyes, I've never seen it before, and I hope I'll see it again. It is so not right. Then I start thinking of the bad stuff, the fighting the crying, stoney silences, sleeping on the couch just to be alone... then the eyes come back. It is insane. I've had breakups before one of a 9 year relationship and I have never felt this crazy. Or let down. Rent some chick flicks. That's the only thing that has kept me sane thus far. Bad chick flicks....ones you know stink... Us Magazine is good too. I'm rambling, but at least I am not sobbing right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
  18. k33
    I know just how you feel. You have to realize that you will be ok without him. Truly believe it too. I am still stuck there myself. I am thinking will there never be another love, etc, my guy left on Friday and I am back and forth between wanting to call (I haven't) and wanting to never see him again, and relief and grief and all sorts of things. I am hoping that soon I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that if he ever wants to get back it is on my terms not his. He has said all the same stuff to me, I think he might mean it, or he just felt trapped by situation (too long to go into... nutshell: he's from another country) or whatever, but there is no reason for him to talk to me (or you) that way. My friend we both need to move on, if something comes up with the ex later and he is willing to be a partner, great, if not we need to have full lives, because if we don't it's not hurting him it's only hurting you (or me) Try to feel good, I sound all tough, but I bawled my eyes out off and on all day today. God this hurts. k33
  19. k33
    Love Kills = Joe Strummer All the things she gave me = the waterboys I will survive = Gloria Gaynor. Showing my age here! All three are a bit bitter. And who doesn't need that sometimes! Great sing alongs too!
  20. k33
    I hope the time apart gives you both what you need. My husband just left and I am not ready for the relationship to end, but boy am I ready for it to change. In my case, I think it's a done deal and I have to deal with it. But it still hurts like heck. I was hoping we could separate and then try to work on things and slowly get back to where we were, but I think we are too far gone, because he doesn't want to work on it. You really can't do it alone. One person's love isn't enough for two. And man does that ever suck. I hope that if you do separate you she will learn what she has in you and be willing and able to work things out. take care, k33
  21. k33
    Amen brother. I know it's hard to see it when you are in it. I too laughed at people who stayed with the abuser. Oh but I stayed, put my life in jeopardy and almost lost my self esteem in the process. People don't want to talk about same sex abuse because they don't want to talk about it at all, and I guess people think that if two guys are fighting physically it's just "boys being boys". Still doesn't make it right. If you decide to leave you will be ok, and you will meet someone else, and hopefully it will be better and different. Keep talking though, don't bottle it up. People can never believe that it happens next door, even though something like 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 people have been abused in their lifetimes. Thems pretty big numbers! Take care. k33
  22. k33
    A lot of shy people like a more outgoing partner, it helps balance them out and they get to do more. And shy can be cute and attractive, so can out going, depends on the person and the chemisty. She might not be that shy, just not into small talk. If she's enthusiastic when she talks to you, you might be a bit dense and not picking it up. javascript Ask her out. That is the best signal at all. Us girls don't know what is going on with guys half the time... we often read the signals wrong. If you guys go out, then you can figure out if you are compatible. Just a suggestion.
  23. k33
    Hi tough_girl, I did truly madly love him. He was wonderful, kind, loving and sweet. I have tried to talk to him, asking what is really wrong. It's just you doesn't seem to be enough of an answer for me. He doesn't want to or is unable to tell me what is going on. We did counseling for a bit, and the therapist said to me that I had done everything I could. I am 99% sure it is over over. I can't see getting back together to have him pull the same crap in another few months/weeks/days. It would have to be a drastic change on his part. I think he felt trapped by being far from home and depending on me. I'll admit, that was hard for me too. We worked so hard to be together, flights half way around the world, living in both places, daily phone calls, immigration, etc. It was tough and exciting and wonderful. I don't think he was a rebound guy, but I might have overlooked his flaws because his good points were so good. I am not looking to get in another relationship anytime soon, don't worry, not rushing into anything at all! I am looking forward to deciding what I want to do for me. I need some time on my own. My goodness no, I am just wondering if people can get past it sooner or later. The wound is incredibly fresh though, and I know it. Just feeling sorry for myself, you know... no one will ever love me... blah blah blah... It's a crazy thing the ability to love and be hurt and go one and love again. Thanks for listening and replying, k33
  24. k33
    Hi All, So I was married for about 6 years and that ended, thank god, and then I went abroad and met the "man of my dreams" my "soulmate" or whatever. So we went back and forth and he asked me to marry him and we decided to live here. Loads of time and money on my part to make this work. He wasn't able to find a good job for many months... bad economy. He now has a job. So now, we are at a point where it is over. He left tonight in a rage. Took his stuff. I took the keys and the credit card (in my name). For the last month or so he just drinks and tells me how horrible I am and how I ruined his life and how he can never do anything he wants to. (which seems to only include drinking and watching tv). I know it is right, but I am telling you it hurts so much. The idea of being divorced again is pretty ugly. I mean it really looks like I am flawed in some way. (I don't think I am, if anything I am a little too understanding a little too compromising...). What is the problem... get to the point. Is there anyone out there who has done this twice and managed to get it right the third time (I highly doubt there will be a third time, but I do have hopeless romantic streak)? Just feeling alone and wondering what to do. A bit on the shellshocked side, it wasn't all out of the blue. We've been married for 1 year and 18 days. Damn I feel so stupid and used and all that stuff.
  25. k33
    Hi, I've never posted to a forum of any sort. But I have been hit. Many times, by a two different men. If you met me you'd never suspect. Yeah you do try to forget it and go on and see the good person underneath. But really there is never an excuse. It kills you. There is a sick side where it is "exciting" but a little too exciting, if you know what I mean. I was married to an abusive man, no one would ever know it to see us or anything but he smacked me around a fair bit, and if he didn't he threatened. Sweet. Now I am married again, to a man I really thought was the one, and he just left me today. But pushed me over before he left. I know I deserve better. But you know sometimes I do believe it is my fault. It surprises me that these men both think that they didn't do anything wrong. They were provoked, you know by saying, something, anything they didn't like. So it is my fault that someone twice my size can't cool off. Sure I can provoke people, but still it is never deserved. The real question is what happened to society that men think it is ok to hit, kick or verbally abuse. (I know women do it too, but this is just my experience.) I wonder what I did to deserve it all the time. I am a good person, and kind, but I think you and I may just have really bad taste in partners. Repeat after me, "It's not our fault and we can't fix them" Stay strong.
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