k33
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Hey, He broke up with me. We are living separately. The main reason was too much fighting and not enough peace. We have not addressed the issues at all. I don't want to bring them up yet, and not sure when would be appropriate... Communication is a big issue. He is not very good at telling me what is going on with him emotionally. Not a real verbal guy. I think I might be a little too verbal. We have talked for about 2 minutes about the relationship. He says he doesn't want to talk about it... And when we don't we get along great. He is saying that he doesn't want to get back together, but he sure acts like he does when we are together...huggy kissy, hand holdy, sweet, you know like a boyfriend or something. veeeeerrrrrryyyyy confusing. I told him we should start over and see how it goes. Take it slow, spend some time together and just see where it takes us. We are from different countries, it was a year process to get together and very expensive and a lot of travel. Lots of work. So I feel like throwing it away is a huge waste of an amazing love. I haven't talked to him since friday night, I sent a brief email trying to help him find a sublet. He's staying on a friend's couch. I know that we can't just move back in, so I think a sublet is a good way to go. Kept it light and friendly. He hasn't replied, don't know if he got it or not... I wish I had read receipt! I am not sure where he is on this, and I don't want to push him away as he is starting to come around. It is all so weird. Any suggestions?
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Ok, so my husband and I split about 6 weeks ago. We did the NC for a while and last week we hung out a bit on Saturday, Sunday (made out then) and went out on Friday night. Things seem to be going ok. I guess. I am usually the one to initiate the calls/getting together. He's the one that sees no hope, but is really warm and snuggly when we are together. So what do I do now? Do I continue to call him every 5-6 days to check in or do I wait? NC seems a little silly now. Once it starts to get going with complete baby steps... what do you do next? I haven't seen any questions like this on the forum... I so want to make it work. Any suggestions or help?
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I agree with Brenno. Depending on the abuse. I'm sure you know where to draw that line. I also agree that your kids should be first priority. Anger management classes have done wonders for some friends of mine and turned their life around. Sitting down with your son and making sure that he has told you everything is a great idea. I also had a friend that was acused of molesting his children when he didn't. It just about destroyed his life. People stepped in (as they should) but didn't have the facts right, luckily he was exonerated and got on with things. You will do what is best for yourself and your family. And you know it isn't whining at all.... Keep us posted!
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I'm a girl and I have always been broken up with... except once and that really didn't count. I think if a girl still has any feelings for the guy she will probably try to work things out more than guys. My experience only.
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Thanks! I know you'll have a great night with your girl again soon. It's so weird though. This person that you were with all the time, suddenly they aren't there and you are dating again? So strange, but really not that bad. So I'll be on a high for a few days then I'll start to wonder again... I guess that's natural. I really want it to work again, but I don't know if it will, all too soon to tell.
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Update: Last night was good. We met and went for dinner, I was more chatty than he was. He was really tired and stuff. He's staying on a couch and getting up at 5 everyday. The guys he is staying with are partiers so I'm sure he isn't getting much sleep. He seemed really down, I was being up beat and stuff. I was trying to offer suggestions about where he could find a sublet. Good news he wants to get away from the crowd he's with for a little perspective. (this crowd is bad news, they are friends with my ex and I know they are bad, drugs drinking treating women badly etc. And our relationship started to falter once he started hanging with them.... which really upsets me when I think about it... my boy isn't in to drugs so that's good) We didn't talk about the relationship at all. We held hands on the way to the restaurant, I was so nervous I couldn't eat... but he paid for dinner and paid me back the money he owed me. So we went to the moive and held hands and leaned our heads on eachother and stuff. No kissing or anything, but it was nice and comfortable. I offered to let him sleep on my futon if he wanted a sleep. He declined. He gave me a really big hug and I said, you know you should really ask me out, this was fun! He agreed. I talked to him on the way home telling him if he needed anything to let me know. And told him I had a great time and would love to see him again soon. He laughed and said me too. So I think it went well, but who knows if he'll want to get together or anything anytime soon. Whatcha think?
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We talked, it was funny I was calling him when his number came through. must be psych(ic)o. So we are getting together, I was so sure we weren't now I am terribly nervous. I am trying to just relax, but this is hard, and a bit of a crisis with the back and forth and pretending I don't care when I so do... Ugh... I'll give y'all an update later.
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Oh wait, I suggested it last week. But I still think I shouldn't call. But you know me I might cave.
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Thanks guys. I'll let you know what happens. 3 pm still haven't heard from him... How's it going with you JPS?
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Thanks, I am not assuming we are getting back together at all don't worry. I think I will get all dolled up and go anyway, and if he doesn't show, well that says something doesn't it?
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Ok. So I am supposed to be going out with my estranged husband tonight. We made plans on Sunday but have not talked this week. He said he needed some time not to talk, because well things were starting to go well and he is wondering what to do. I assume. I am wondering if I should call to confirm or just assume he is not going to show up. We don't have a time sorted out, we know where we are going. So yeah, do I call or assume it's a blow off, or do I go on my own cause it is an event I would like to go to? (knowing this will make me really sad.) Whatcha think?
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Ok I am freaking out again. I have come to the realization that I really miss being able to love him. You know telling him I love him, grabbing him and planting a kiss on him, cuddling up with him on the couch, laughing at the simpsons, playing antique roadshow (guessing the price... winner gets a really good prize! calling him in the middle of the day to say hi, going out to have a beer, walking the dog, etc... all that stuff. Kind of driving me nuts really... So anywho...I haven't heard from him since Saturday and I knew I wouldn't. Luckily I was totally cool when that was going on at the time. Yeah sure see you on Friday. Now I am panicked that he won't show on Friday or something. I could see him forgetting or flaking or something, as he is confused he may just not want to deal at all. I have my cute dress all picked out, cute, but not too cute. Looks fairly casual, but still very figure flattering if you know what I mean. But I don't want to be all dressed up and flaked on. YIKES. This is a tricky tango isn't it? So I am wondering if I should call him tomorrow to verify. I don't want to get stood up, and if I am going to get stood up I want to make plans to do something else. Help! What do you think?
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Sounds great! And you left her wanting more. Smooth move. I hope you guys can work it out the best way for both of you. k33
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The confusion is a good thing, because he was dead set on not getting bacck together a couple of weeks ago. At least until we saw eachother. I think it is really easy in the beginning of a separation to vilify eachother. I know I was doing that with him, so I can only assume he was doing it with me. So when we were together we realized "oh yeah that's why we dug eachother!" But you know I am confused as well... So I am OK with confusion right now. Ask me again in a month! I really hope we can get it back on track, but I am not holding time for him, if something comes up that I want to do, I am going to do it. I am planning on going out of state for a long weekend in August for a friend's birthday... concerts, plays stuff like that. I am not waiting by the phone for anyone. Because god know's he's not waiting for me. Becasue I do know that it can all fall apart. The ball is totally in his court, but if there is one thing I remember from our relationship, if I step back he usually does what I want him to in the end. I am pretty nervous about Friday. (we have a "date" to go to a movie and dinner) I am worried that he will A) cancel B) tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore C) Be wonderful... all three make me nervous.
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I hope you don't have to do time, I hope it was soft drugs too... because the hard ones reall f people up.. Lots of times people want the best but not the worst. Richer and poorer sounds good when it is richer. yah know? When do you get senteneced? I hope she is there for you. People can be such a pain in the a!!. if you know what I mean.
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I hear you completely. I have no idea what I want. I sort of want him back and I sort of don't. I miss somethings and others I could do without. I think we all need to do some soul searching and figure out what we want. Just keep an open mind that's what I am doing. k
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Flowers or a call would be good. I don't know the girl, you would know what she likes best. I'm a girl and I really like to get both. If the problem was you being distant. The next time you see her mention some upcoming event with your friends and invite her along to that. She'll like that. I know I would. I bet she does want you back by now.
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I agree do your own thing and don't contact him for awhile. It's rough, my husband seems to be coming around a bit, but it is still really hard not to call him a couple of times a day. We are now hanging out a bit and seeing how it goes. I am not sure if I want him back at this point, but same as you he was my heart and my life and I loved him so much. So much. So I am willing to be in limbo while we figure it all out. It could end up with us apart, but we could end up back together. Not talking to him, seeing him etc, has been killing me, but it's been six weeks and he's starting to miss me and enjoy me again. And vice versa. Roughest six weeks of my life for sure. I miss him every day. But there are times when I think if he could do this to us is he the one for me? Just try to follow your instincts and when you have to scream do it in your car... helps me. Don't be afraid to have all your feelings. You are going to feel horrible. I believe he still loves you too. Men get scared sometimes when things are too right. weird but true. Let me know if you need anything. k
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The confusion grows. I saw him yesterday and he was a little weird at first telling me to find someone new, and that he's already tried. I didn't bring it up. I said, I just want to get to know you. So we hung out a bit and things were good, we even made out a little. First time I've kissed him in 6 weeks and dang did it feel good! So then he said he was confused. So that's good because he has been saying he doesn't want to get back but acting a bit like he does. So funnily enough I see confusion as a good sign. He also said that we were great boyfriend/girlfriend. So I said let's concentrate on that. He also said he's going to need some time to figure it out and I shouldn't expect to hear from him in the next couple of days. So I said sure no problem, let me know if you can't make it on friday and he said he would definitely be there no matter what. Then he drove around the block just to wave to me, I was walking to get some food. I am being independent and stuff, but not too. He knows how I feel I think. At this point I just want to see what happens. It could all fall apart again, but since we are married, I want to give it every chance I can. Oh and neither of us are seeing anyone else, nor do we want to. How do you think we are doing?
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Thanks, that's sort of what I have been doing... but I do dwell a bit. Only natural I assume. I just really want it to work and I am so worried that I will chase him away by being needy or something...
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Hey all, I've been whining on this board for a month now. I saw my "husband" (separated 6 weeks, not filed) yesterday for lunch and we got on great, even agreed to go out on Friday night for a "date" of sorts. I really still love him, I don't know what to think. We only talked about our relationship for a minute, I said something like who knows what will happen. And he said, well never say never, but I don't want to talk about it, it was nice not talking about it... So I dropped it. When he was leaving he asked what I was doing tomorrow, today, and offered to come over and help me move some stuff around. (Dead car needs to move for the landlord)... and he seemed to be really happy to see me, as I was to see him... I really do want us to get back together, we had one of those loves you only read about and say "yeah right, like that would happen" I don't want to push anything. And he seems more upset by everything than I am, I guess cause I am still holding out hope. What does it all mean? And what should I do not to freak him out? I really don't want to f--- up. Any advice?
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Please don't hurt yourself. It will not solve anything. You will suceed in hurting everyone you know, but that is it. A friend of mine killed himself earlier this year and he left such a path of destruction behind him it is unbelievable. He ruined people's lives, and caused all of his friends to go into a dark, dark spiral. Which may sound tempting in your state, but you know what, you won't be there to see it. I know you feel like no one cares and you have nothing, but you really do. I am not going to tell you that everything is going to be rosey. Cause you know it's not right now. But I promise someday you will feel better. When I was 19 I wanted to die, took some pills, etc. But you know I am really glad I didn't now. I have absolutely horrible days sometimes where I do just want to die, but like someone else said, go to sleep, it is amazing how much better it feels in the morning. Please, please take care of yourself. Call an anoymous (sp?) hotline in your area. Talk to someone, and they will be able to get you into some low cost/free counseling. Sometimes talking about it with someone who isn't a friend can be helpful. Sorry for the tough love approach, but I am still stinging from losing my friend. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Let me know if you need anything. k33
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Gawd this sounds so familiar to me. My hubbie has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks, he too is depressed and a drinker who doesn't see the problem, so he is not seeking help. He's been awful to me, but part of me still loves him... or something. I can only tell you what I am doing. I am being there for him as much as possible, not too much that I get hurt, telling him I still care and that we should spend time together and see what happens. I put the ball firmly in his court and am not calling him. He knows where I am. At this point, I still love him, but I don't actually know if I want him back, as far as I know he isn't seeing anyone but Sir Alfred Guiness if you know what I mean. I am starting to rebuild my life and reconnect with my friends and family. I am doing things that I like to do, for myself. Not to prove a point or anything. Try to do the same, it is hard at first, but it does get easier, then if he makes an effort you can make an informed decision on what you want. we should keep in touch, since we are going through a similar thing. Let me know if you need anything. k
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What if you regret breaking up with the person...
k33 replied to Tears May Fall's topic in Breaking Up Advice
Actually I am 33... hence the k33... Why do I sound really immature? Cool. -
I know almost exactly how you feel. I am not sure if I should try to patch things up with my husband who left 3 1/2 weeks ago. I said we should talk and hang out and see how it goes... He agreed. He's all over the place and so am I. It is almost a comedy really. Maybe a Dramady... Will I ever feel the same way about him? Will I ever trust him? What if I don't try and he was "the guy"? What if I get my heart broke again and again... what if it is great? It's a nightmare and a rollercoaster. I would take your time to figure out what you want. I know that's what I am trying to do, but it amazes me how many times a day I can change my mind on what I want for the rest of my life... crazy times. And yes only you can figure it out. No one else has to live with your descision but you. Good luck!