Greenlee

Let him go. He'll eventually call you. You're letting him call the shots with his B.S. That "Stress" thing is an excuse. There is something else at play here. I smell a rat. Either he's got something going on elsewhere and he's going to see how it goes but keep you in tow or he's trying to let you down easy and wants to be free. I'll tell you one major die-hard never fail rule when it comes to guys that may perk you up: NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU , THEY'LL ALWAYS GET BACK IN TOUCH WITH YOU EVENTUALLY. I think he's got his eye on someone else and is going to see how it goes. Meanwhile, he's stringing you along just in case. Play some hard ball and be strong. Let him go. If he doesn't have the guts to tell you he wants to break up, he's defintely not the one. If you disappear off the radar, he'll call back. Golden rule. Men confuse the chase with excitement and passion. If you keep calling him, you'll dull what's left of his interest. Go out and meet some fun people and let it filter back that you're having a blast. And it can't hurt if he thinks other guys are interested in you already! I know it sounds like games, but guys are different that women ( ok, most guys.. about 99.5 % the world over) CALL HIS BLUFF.

I think the shock wears off.....It's like being on a carnival ride than you get off and you're trying to get your bearings on firm ground. I was doing extremely well than I heard the girl he took up with.. well, he dumped her last Fall. I just found out this past April 2004. She walked into my bar with one of my ex bf's bar acquaintances. Evidently she had taken up with another guy at the same hang out bar! My ex bf had moved out January 2003 after we had been together four years. It really broke my heart but I made some new friends and kept myself busy all the time. I went to a lot of parties, met new people,lost weight, worked out and traveled to the Mediterranean! Seeing her last April had me upset for many many weeks when in fact I should have been laughing at the situation! Anyway, I have been thinking of him (my ex bf) ever since, probably subconsciously thinking we'll reunite even though he cheated me so horribly. The thing is, I think in siutations like this when the dust settles and we wind down from the shock-adrenaline rush from the breakup we're anxious and alone feeling. The shock kept us jazzed up at the time. And if we haven't met anyone else that interests us we have a void. It's probably the companionship aspect. But again I think with myself it's knowing he isn't seeing anyone,that she cheated on him and that he & I are both alone right now! I know he's alone but he messed up things with me. It's sad because I truly loved him but I could never go back with him.

Drop off his radar. Don't play the game. Please listen to me. Experience dictates that when a person behaves this way they usually have someone else in their sights but aren't sure of them yet so they want to keep the ex gf/bf stringing along just in case. All of the lines.. "I'm confused, I need space, etc" is a load of garbage. They either want to be with you or they don't. Guys are not like girls. Guys normally have someone waiting in the wings before they dump a girl. They will also keep the ex gf in tow until the new relationship becomes more certain. Sorry, but it's pretty much the norm for guys worldwide! I say, let it go. My ex bf kept Instant Mesgr'ing me and calling until I followed up on my gut feeling and found out he was seeing someone. He obviously never thought I would be at a certain place that I was one night and he walked in with her! Talk about shock! Don't let anyone do that to you! (And we had lived together for 3 yrs. gone to Europe together, concerts. etc.!) Listen again.... If he wanted to be with you, he'd still be with you. I say disappear. Don't let him call the shots!!

Okay all of you!..........Listen to an old Pro! We lived together for 3 1/2 years. We cooked together, shopped together and walked to our neighborhood bars and hung out together! Everyone knew us as "us!" It literally killed me but I had to go to "our grocery store" over and over again. Psychologists say the best way to kill an old memory is to create new ones. It wasn't easy by any means!! It took many many months and quite a few trips to the grocery store! You know what? Before long, you get ticked off and really angry and actually defiant in wanting to go there (survival mode)! believe me I was in baaaad shape last year! I have no sisters and my parents are deceased. I relied on my good friends and my brother & sister-in-law! I am quite proud of myself now. Guess what guys? After I went through a s**t load of torment/trauma/sadness/depression/anger.. ... Guess who called me? My ex bf! ( There's no going back but it still hurts). The number one rule of human nature with these types is that "once you (the dumpee) finally turns the corner and moves on through your own self-preservation & strength, the ex bf/gf (dumper) comes back! And guess what? The dumpee usually ends up dumping the dumper because they've moved on!! CHIN UP!!

YOU CANNOT CALL. I SUGGEST YOU MAKE A NIGHT'S WORTH OF PLANS. My birthday came and went with no card, phone call, email or anything even though he had long long months earlier dumped his rebound girl. (We had lived together for 3 years!) I had been his loyal Rock of Gibralter. I made the mistake of emailing him a birthday cake icon with a short "Happy Birthday" a few months later.. Even though nothing came from him. Please make a pledge to have plans with many friends. Call up some friends of the opposite sex as well! Keep your chin up and stay away! You will have to get through this with dignity. Please listen to me.

I'll tell you the real deal: She's got her eye on someone else but is unsure of it at this time so she's keeping you stringing along just in case. It's the oldest game in the book. My ex bf left here and I didn't find out for about 2 months that he was having a good 'ol time with someone else... All the while he had been calling me and telling me he wasn't sure about things and he liked talking to me.. He had to hear from me! He wasn't sure about her at that time and needed to keep me on the back burner.... just in case! I don't want to hurt you but listen to the posters here and please listen to me. Go with the NO CONTACT rule. She'll have to make a decision of returning and trying with you or moving on without you. Don't let her call all the shots. She'll take you for granted. She either wants you or she doesn't !! Someone either loves you or they don't ! There's no in-between! Get your power back now! 8) PLAY IT COOL. DON'T BE A FOOL.

Smiles, God Bless you!!! You have helped me so much. I am in my thirties and should know better but I have actually been mulling over contacting or meetin up with my ex bf again .. After quite a cruel breakup on his part a year ago! If you've read any of my posts, you'll see that I was severely hurt by my live-in bf of 3 1/2 yrs. One day I came home and his stuff was gone. I won't go into all of the details but I have been agonizing over making any overtures to get together (after 1 1/2 yrs and him dumping the ditz he ran off with) to meet up or call. You, my little friend don't realize how much you have helped me and put my mind to rest! Feel good in knowing you have helped so many of us with your candor. I have been torturing myself because of the "no closure" thing. (I had been doing well until very, very recently). My friends have scolded me and in a loving, lecturing way told me to "NEVER GO BACK... HE BROKE YOUR TRUST. YOU CAN'T RECOUP THAT."......... "They'll do it again." They are telling me that I am becoming vulnerable simply because I haven't gotten involved in another relationship. My ex bf actually said, "Why don't you come over?" when I made the mistake of a beer-induced phone call a bout 3 wks ago! > > I said to him, "No way." Then he asked if I was seeing someone. I said , "Yes." I have been anguishing and been quite nervous & afraid. THANK YOU. YOU MADE ME REALIZE THE REAL DEAL. YOU ARE AN ANGEL!

Jennyju, I am near your age and have gone through that state of mind until my frineds tell me to snap out of it. It's a "numbers game"!!! You figure that 3 out of 4 people are divorced in the USA. So you've got to figure your dating pool is going to of course comprise of divorced guys with children.. That's the dating pool and the reality. Sure you'll meet young guys but the mariage material out there is in the form of most likely a divorcee. That's okay. Most guys that have been married find it harder to be single again than women. Statistics show that most women initiate divorce and stay single for the freedom aspect. thereforeeee there have got to be datable men out there just waiting for you! The trick is to go where the guys will be.. Sporting events, ballgames, take up golfing, skiiing, etc....

The time I made the goofball move of dialing him after a few beers (dumb, I know)...... He chatted with me for quite awhile and then said, "Why don't you come out?" He then asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him yes and also declined his invitation. Was that just to "test" me as to what I would do or "where I was at" in my head? I didn't mention how we broke up; I came home one day about two months after my dad died and all of me ex bf's stuff was gone with the key sitting on the counter. I had had "difficulty" reaching him on the cell phone that prior month and that happened to be the first month that chick had started bartending at "his" bar. He had tried to get me to kick him out by acting out and pushing me toward fights that month as well. I guess why I finally called him recently (after a few Amstels lol) was that I've had no closure for over a year and knew they they had not been seeing each other for many, many months! I believe that talking to everyone in chat here and hearing from firsthand experience is much more useful than paying for $$ therapy lol! Again, I just wonder why he grabbed her up right away after moving out from me for 3 1/2 years but still was contacting me. Yes, that was last year but I am still hurting. All of my friends said it wouldn't last and of course it didn't. Each time we've recently spoken, he's stayed on the phone and always answered until the recent last couple of nights. I don't know why I can't get him out of my head all of a sudden. I have been so good for a year! I had been hurt & shocked with a guarded heart but I had blanked him out of my head and now suddenly I'm thinking of him again. Does anyone think he cared/cares about me?

Thanks for the input!! I could never trust him again but it still hurts. At the time that he was calling me, I heard that chick was flirting around and having her "fun." As I said earlier, he dumped her many months ago and has since told me it was a "fling." My brother said, "Yeah it was a fling after she cheated on him." Thanks for the perspective. I guess I was his security blanket with no committment in sight. As for her, she came into a bar in my neigborhood with one of my ex's "friends." Evidentley she was onto the next "victim." I heard my ex and her were always breaking up and fighting all the time... Doesn't sound like people in their thirties does it lol? **PS** No, we don't live near each other but we know a lot of othe same people because I used to work in the same industry. ( A lot of guys that know him and know me have "reported" back to me! I worked in the industry way before meeting him but have since changed careers). I ran into one guy St Pats night and he really spilled some dirt !( which was confirmed) I've been a "good girl" and stayed away from the old job turf. Thanks again. You concur with my friends!

If you're unfulfilled as an LPN, please do look into some other ways you could possibly "parlay" that training! Here in the US, if you are an LPN and get a paralegal certificate you've got it made in the shade working in medical law! Can you perhaps work at a nursery or school in your area? If that doesn't interest you, look into any local college certificate programs that may interest you. There are also many grants and student loans! Also look in to community activities such as volleyball, running, biking , etc.. .. Sounds like you need some other stimulation, especially with other young adults. And I don't mean the opposite sex and such. I simply think you need some interaction with other adults. It's a necessity in life. Sure you love your child and spouse but you need balance in your life! You are probabably feeling invisible and uninteresting which is far from true!! Again, it sounds to me like you're overwhelmed and out of balance. It happens to all of us at one time or another. You are not alone. You need work/family/spirtiual/activities. Please look in the local paper and online for these things! (EX: "Google" bicylcing clubs in your area! You can strap your child on back and get some fresh air) Please follow up on these suggestions! Do you know any other mothers that might want to do some things a few times/week? My dear, you need some adult interraction and stimulation! It is only normal! I grew up in a small town within ten miles of a larger one. There are always many social activites to check out. I know it sounds corny but you have to be proactive with this. Please jump online and go to the libray and do some research. Sounds also like you need anew vocation. It is extremly common nowadays that people change careers. Hang in there!

I feel your pain but you have got to get through this and believe me you will! My ex fiance ( this was years ago but still applies)and I broke up one year and within a year he was engaged and got married! That told me that he was just wanting to get married and my gut instinct was correct back then. Sounds like she jumped into something as a rebound. You will get through the grief eventually. I know it's hard but would you really want someone that wants someone else? You can't make someone feel. If it blows up with her recent endeavors and you still love her maybe you can catch her when she falls but don't get used. Again, as a women, I feel she has jumped in to something quite soon after a former love.

GUILT is probably the reason. He probably is seeing someone but can't let you go.

If he didn't even mean anything at all you wouldn't have even bothered to write and he realizes that! .. Especially such a long email! Yes, those are typical break up feelings so don't worry!! It'll pass! There's an old saying: "This too shall pass." When you're in a difficult spot, lift your mood by looking for the humor in your predicament. Ask yourself: Will what's bothering me be important in a year? I can top you anway! I did one step more that emailing him! I left two really really mean voicmails! That was three months ago. It's already forgotten. I just figured he knew I must still be a bit hurt so.. so what! In fact, my friends lectured me about the "no contact" rule! If you contact someone even if it's mean-spirited, that means you actually do still care! The best "revenge" or tonic for the other person's ego is INDIFFERENCE as in in no reacting and no contact! SO RELAX! It's probably already forgotten. You're obsessing because you probably still care and feel that you exposed those feelings. So what?

Thank you Smiles!.... I had been "blaming" myself (on and off) thinking what I could have done differently to save us... however came to the realization that my ex bf ran off with this "good time suzy" type as she was just getting divorced. He has since "claimed" it was a fling. ( We lived together for 3 years and I got to know his kids and family... We went to Europe together , etc) This chick was a a new bartender on the prowl for a guy with $$. Needless to say, he got rid of her after about six months. I codled him when we were together! I think he felt "pressure" from family & friends perhaps... maybe a sort of "undercurrent" as to why he & are weren't moving toward anything more permanent & stable. (He had been married) I think he just bolted and wanted to go wild again. I blamed myself for a long time. I still love him but could never go back after being treatd that way. It breaks my heart still.