Azure13

I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of opportunists in my life lately. Not all of them, but some. I constantly feel like I am being used/or at least trying to be used by people in my life. For example, I was friendish with a bunch of people whom my ex boyfriend was good friends with. Of course after the ex and I broke up, I basically ended up gradually stopping talking to these people. Now that they find out that I have an internship at a place they think is "cool" they are talking to me and asking me to get them an internship. In addition, other people in my class have been asking to get them an internship where I am currently interning. Two of these people are friends whom I don't mind helping out because I don't feel they are trying to simply get something out of me. I'm doing it because I want to help them. Others are just people who pounce on the opportunity. Its frustrating and hurts me because I see people who don't normally bother to give me the time of day, suddenly speaking with me simply so that they can gain something from me. I mean I also want to intern there again next semester, and now these people are all asking me to get them internships/applying for one there and possibly taking away an internship that I want, and I am the one who has been interning there before they even knew about it, I'm the one who looked into it and went to 10-20 job interviews last semester while they were goofing off. I tihnk they should look into their own things and stop trying to bite off of mine, which I've worked to get. I should've just kept my mouth shut about the whole thing but I told one friend of mine about the internship and suddenly the whole world knows. Ok that is just one example, I feel like every guy I meet lately that holds a remote interest in me only has it because they just want to use me.. I'm getting to feel like I will never meet a true person that i can trust enough to want to marry and have them truly love me. I don't know, I just feel like some people are constantly trying to simply use me maybe because I seem like a pushover to them, but I really don't think I am one.. its frustrating and angers me a lot of times. I used to be a very idealistic/optimistic person but overtime my expereinces with people are making me feel very bitter, untrusting, and angry.. my family says I am way too negative. What's the best way to deal with people like this and try and turn it into a positive experience?

Hey Riles, Shes so curious because she doesn't have you anymore. People want what they don't/can't have, its human nature. Its piquing her interest not knowing what you're up to. As a woman, my advice for you on if you want to get back together is this: play it cool and aloof but don't push her away. Wait til shes asking for you back to show how you really feel. Shes definitely conflicted or else she wouldn't be asking you odd little questions. She doesn't realize what she has til she loses it. Play it cool, thats my advice. If/when she does ask for you back (which theres a good chance she will if you act aloof like I said) make her work for it to earn you back, since shes the one that hurt you. However if you guys do get back together I would be cautious, she left you once, remember that.. realize there are girls out there that won't say they're feelings for you have changed and break up with you. Good luck with whatever happens

I think that in the younger years, when people care more about what their peers think of them, that being nerdy is an even bigger turn off. OMG if they knew that I was going out with that nerdy guy what would they think.. etc. As you get older and grow into yourself better what was once nerdy and weird may become attractive. The once nerdy person may be seen as smart and respectible, and that would be a turn on. As for being nerdy being a turn off if you think about it, would you be attracted to a extremely nerdy girl?

I know this is easier said than done, but there's only one thing you have to do: Let her go. Stop agonizing over everything.. no offense, but this girl is acting like a total nutjob. Love isn't about emotionally torturing someone over and over. Let her go, I know its hard but you will find yourself feeling 110 percent better after wards. And guess what, you will even find someone who WON'T treat you like dirt. Trust me I've been in your shoes! The way you are describing it, it does not sound like a healthy reltionship and love cannot exist within an abusive/unhealthy relationship (obviously she doesn't abuse you physically, but emotionally she does). To stop thinking about someone you really love I know is hard, thats why you should take this time to fill up your days with other things to take your mind off of her. You need to stop talking to her for as long as possible or as long as it takes for you to get over her. Hang out with your friends, study, get a hobby, do anything to fill your days up and avoid thinking about HER. Trust me just try it and see what happens .

Nah thats a common thing.. the same exact thing happened to me with one of my exes. I listened to a cd he burnt me for valentines day back in 2001 and suddenly feelings came back. I think it is just reminiscing, really..

Its not that easy to be friends with someone who you used to go out with especially if you still have feelings for that person and they dumped you. Just like how she can't change the fact that you don't have feelings for her, you can't change it if she can't just be a regular friend to you anymore. It might be weird to her cuz you used to be so close to each other and now you're not, and she can probably sense that you get annoyed by her even if you try not to show it, thats probably why shes getting mad.

I agree with you, muneca.. some of those sounds like commitment phobe-y traits but most of it just sounds like a player/jerk guy .

Hey everyone, wow I didn't realize this thread got so many replies. I have heard of that book but haven't read it. Anywho I think mainly what made me curious of such a thing about him was that he told me he got scared himself and everything was going so well until things got a little serious and he seriously backed off.. so I was trying to gather info I can see where it is coming from though. The weird thing was how he kept saying I was amazing this and that blah blah and didn't want to lose me I think in a way he was scared I'd leave him like his previous g/f did.. but who knows really. Thats why I was trying to gather info on it, just my way of finding out whats what with things. Thanks for the replies

Yeah, I know but it is weird when a guy claims they are super into you, then the next month, they completely aren't and have gone from hot to cold. Lol.

Its kindof a long story its someone I went out with, pretty much and I am trying to figure out what went wrong.

I guess you can say that

Can anyone tell me what are some common signs to tell if you are with a commitment phobe, how they usually break up with someone, things the person commonly says.. traits a commitment phobe has? Does anyone know any good websites where I can get some information on commitment phobia or any good books on it? Thanks

I just wanted to add that sometimes when people are paranoid their SO is cheating on them without giving them any reason to think it.. it is because they themselves are unfaithful. Just food for thought.. don't be afraid to talk to her about it, she should be able to talk to you about it in a loving relationship. Don't worry if it makes her upset, you need to talk about it for yourself, and you're a member of this relationship too, not just her. If you talk to her about it, don't accuse her of anything off the bat when you talk, just go with the flow and talk to her about it in a non offensive kind of way.. tell her you need to understand where she is coming from.

Wow . She is definitely using suicide as a way of manipulating you. You should get out of this relationship. I understand where you're coming from.. you love her but it is killing you to stay with her and shes just being totally self destructive..Tell her that you care about her very much but that you can't be in this kind of destructive relationship because it isn't good for you. One of my ex's used to threaten suicide all the time.. it drove me up a wall, I know how it feels it is so stressful and crazy. I bet she won't do it, shes using it as a way of manipulating you, but still you don't want that on your conscience in case it does happen; like everyone else has been saying you should set her up with therapy.. be kind to her but also let her know that you have to walk away from this relationship, at least for now. Tell her until she gets her act together you can't talk to her anymore. She isn't respecting your needs and she has gotten so used to behaving immaturely when things arent going her way that she does this everytime.. maybe your leaving will be the wake up call she needs. But either way this cycle's gotta be stopped.

It does seem a little shady that she keeps talking to him, especially if she thinks he might tell her family that they had sex or start harassing her. I don't really get that part.. or why she thinks he'd do that. If they are keeping in touch because they are friends then I don't know why she'd think a friend would do that.. and if he'd really do something like harass her then I don't think she would want to keep in touch with him. It doesn't make sense to me, I know that I wouldn't keep talking to someone out of blackmail or anything.. I'm kindof confused by that. Like I said that makes her seem a little shady especially since shes cheated in a past relationship. To me if somebody cheats in a relationship it says more about what kind of person that *they* are rather than the quality of their relationship. I would never cheat on a boyfriend, if I was unhappy with him I'd break up with him, but not *cheat*. Something doesn't add up to me. Trust me I was in a relationship with somebody for over three years and the whole time I was suspicious of him but it wasn't til I was POSITIVE he wasn't loyal with me that I could trust myself, and what I was thinking all along for over three years. In the meantime he just made me feel like I was some kind of paranoid control freak! Don't let somebody mess with your head so much that you can't see the truth. This girl seems shady to me. I say talk to her about it but proceed with caution, she doesn't seem loyal to me. I would have said its in the past and what she did with this guy doesn't matter now, except for the fact that she still keeps talking to him without giving you a real reason why and the fact that shes cheated on a boyfriend in the past.. with this same guy.

Ouch! She sounds like a manipulating, selfish, materialistic person. Anyone who breaks up by phone has no respect at all. Yuck, be glad you are rid of her! Don't trust someone who tells you not to talk to someone unless they have a REALLLY good reason (Like if you cheated on her with the x-f or something, which you didnt).

You're absolutely right about everything you said. This girl just doesn't deserve you. Sounds like to me if you made one mistake it was in loving her. Unfortunately, caring people like you often get taken advantage of and used as doormats so often.. and then we blame ourselves for what the inconsiderate ex person put us through (or at least enough to take them back..) til we realize what really happened. Its so true if an ex would do something to hurt you, like dumping you, then they obviously love themselves more than you so unless they changed (which is really something I've never seen someone do but I guess is possible) you're just gonna get walked all over and hurt again. It sucks, but just remember there are plenty of women out there just hoping they'll meet a great guy whose normal and capable of loving someone.. and in the mean time just keep moving on and healing.. a trick I use is if I start to feel like I miss my ex and start second guessing things enough to think about trying to talk to him again or something, I just remember what a jerk he was to me and then I'm glad to be rid of him.

Hi, This is coming from my own perspective, seeing as I'm a woman whose been in the shoes of your newly ex girlfriend. Anyways, I have seen countless situations like this, I have seen more often than not that the grass is only greener on the other side. I have to agree with some of the others who said that love changes over time, and it does! Newness wears off and all of that, okay not to compare your girlfriend to food, but if you eat your favorite food all the time your gonna start getting sick of it, you know? Not to offend you but maybe you're just not at the point or maturity in your life where you want a serious relationship.. IMHO, there is no "one" perfect and no one "true love" out there for anyone. It seems like you have someone who loves you a lot and you love her but the newness wore off and now you're not so enthused about her. But real love changes overtime, I mean think about it, do you see your grandparents going at it all the time and getting all starry eyed over each other, but yet I' m sure they still love each other. Anyway if you want a serious relationship I would say continue, because a long term relationship does not stay with the initial passion forever. If you really don't want a serious relationship then you made the right choice, however, don't expect her to be waiting if/when you change your mind and feel you need to fill some emotional void. There are things you can do to make the relationship more exciting and stuff, just try doing things differently, anything to break the routine. But realize it takes two people to change and make any relationship work you can't just expect things to change without putting in an earnest effort. I really just think that if you want a long term/serious relationship then I would say continue with her, and realize that relationships have ups and downs and change over time. Also, please don't just think of yourself, think of this from her perspective.. relationships take two people and if you love her don't put her through unnecessary pain and string her along. I guess I just am saying that she deserves a straight forward answer/decision.. and if you don't give that to her after a while don't be surprised if she just gets tired and fed up of the situation altogether. Anyway, thats just my two cents, good luck with it.

I think it really depends on the situation. I had one ex boyfriend of mine try to come back to me, after about 1 and a half months of no contact at all between us. I think mainly cuz we were together for so long (3 years 3 months) and plus I think it shocked him, because I was the one who was always trying to work things out and not wanting to lose the relationship, I think my lack of contact really shocked him and made him realize/have to think about what he lost and all that. Then again, it turned out to be soon enough he didn't really want me back he just really wanted some fun, and had some temporary feeling of missing me because of the shock of it, but it was just that: temporary. So who knows. I guess it just depends on how you feel. I really, really, really don't recommend tryig to be friends especially if you still have feelings. I could be wrong, maybe you could do it but I know I wasn't capable of doing it. But my more recent ex said he wanted to be friends (he broke up with me because according to him we "weren't meant to be" and he wanted to be friends, or so he said). and I tried doing that for a while but I just couldn't do it- he wasn't acting like a true friend, his actions were hurting me, I was getting sensitive, clingy, and inevitably because I was weak cuz I still had feelings for him, it would come to the "I want you back" kind of talks.. when he started seeing someone new I couldn't even pretend to be casual and be his friend anymore. I guess if you have really thick skin and good acting skills you could go for it and maybe just maybe it would work, but I personally don't recommend that unless you can pull it off, and trust me its hard. Plus it is like prolonged self torture I mean why do that to yourself? I think really the best way to go is to just stop talking to a person.. if someone is treating you poorly or shutting you out, not responding to you favorably then I feel it is the only thing to do, it shows you have dignity and self respect and won't take anything less. Maybe they'll be a man and realize you're worth more than they've been giving you then, maybe they won't. Either way, it doesn't matter how much you want to be their friend or talk to them if they're not responding positively to you or if their behavior is hurting you, I believe that no contact is the only way to go.

Hi there, do yourself a favor, and just keep her out of your life. I know thats not what you want to hear, but its the only thing to do. I had a similar situation, I was going out with a guy who was supposedly ga ga over me, til he gradually started ignoring me and finally dumped me saying "we'd be friends." Months and months passed yet he still never treated me like a friend, now he has somebody new and I realized that I never was a friend to him. Sometimes people just say those things.. or they say it and know that they can walk all over you, just because they can. So do yourself a big favor, and protect yourself, cut her out of your life. Its the only way to maintain your dignity and let her realize that shes really actually lost you. Let it be her problem now, not yours. So best of luck, and please do as I said. Someone like that, isn't gonna be a friend of yours, isn't gonna do anything to you or for you but hurt you just cause they feel like it.

You are right. I just am having trouble understanding what exactly went wrong, we used to be really good friends. He dumped me for no reason, I never treated him bad. Whatever I don't know.

My ex has been hurting me and confusing me over the past few months. I am not sure what to do. I feel like I can't get over him because I keep seeing him in my classes at school everyday. He said again recently when school started that he wanted to work on the friendship and we'd see if anything happened, not saying anything would or wouldn't. That we would "work on our communication." Thing is nothing is getting worked on friendship or otherwise, because since then it is back to the silent treatment. I am a shy person and lately hes gotten very cliquey, all he does is speak to his 5 or so friends all day, I feel like I am intruding just to go over to their little group and talk to him. He makes no effort to speak to me, not even to say hi hows it going. When I brought this up he said "oh we could work on that" but yet nothing has been done. This hurts me. I don't understand this, it hurts bc we used to have a really good bond and compatibility together, and I don't know what to do. He keeps saying he wants to be my friend and then the whole door of the "maybe" thing. It drives me crazy, I wish he'd just be my friend and stop saying he wants to be, or if he doesn't want to be I wish he'd just stop saying it. Help/advice/comments/anything?

I doubt its anything, I think you're worrying too much A woman's period (esp like at the teenage yrs) can vary sometimes due to many different things. I doubt shes pregnant..

Hey there, From a woman's perspective, I think shes being honest with you and really does just need time. She just wants to do whats best for herself and for the relationship with you, too.. I really think it'll work out fine, shes just trying to take care of herself right now. Just do like you've been doing, I think it'll work out.

What happened to make her lose trust in you?