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Thread: My partners fidelity when he was married...

  1. #11
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    Your partner shouldn't dismiss your feelings nor should he be talking to her considering they had a past affair. This really isn't you being sensitive at all, it seems he's still being as selfish as ever.


    Affairs and cheating aren't "oopsy" mistakes, they're deliberate actions.

  2. 07-02-2020, 08:17 PM


  3. #12
    That was the bit that upset me the most Honeycomb8, that her feelings seem to be more important than mine. I know she's going through a horrible divorce. But still, he's had over a month to think about what to say. I feel like this is just going to be swept under the carpet, unless I keep nagging to him about it. I don't think I should have to do that nor do I want to be nagging.

    Thanks you for listening.

  4. #13
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    This is a tough spot because I presume you don't want to break up with the guy.

    But I think you are right to want him to stop communicating, even dating her secretly.

    He is wrong here and not a good partner. obviously. he cheated on his wife. He's stringing you along at arms length. Your needs are behind his son, (right or wrong. not my point), behind the ex wife as the mother of his small child, and now behind the feelings of another woman.

    Is this really what you want out of a relationship?

    You haven't told your family or friends, because you don't want them to judge him. ok. I can see that. But isn't there also a twinge of knowing they will disapprove of his treatment of you?

    you're willing to allow yourself to be treated this way, but you don't want anyone to know. Why? because you know he is wrong. you're short changing yourself and he is not the great guy you present to them.

    I'd really think about the chatacter of the man you want to be with. The thing about morals, character, integrity etc... they don't come and go to the people that have them. Its pretty consistent.

    I wouldn't break up with him for cheatting on his ex wife. I'd break up with him because this situation is not a healthy, happy, good one. And the energy put into 2nd guessing yourself could be better spent.

    And don't kid yourself that you don't want to be a nag.... nag him and he'll just start lying that he doesn't talk to her.

    reclaim your self respect and get out now.

  5. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Both of thier "horrible divorce" is because of thier affair. Don't feel sorry them.

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  7. #15
    Thank Lambert for your reply. You are correct I don't want to break up with him. Your advise is exactly what I would give to myself. I guess it's easy to tell people than to actually do it. It's not what I want from a relationship, you are correct. I have been seconding guessing myself, and it feels horrible.

    Thank you for listening.

  8. #16
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SmileyInLove
    Thank Lambert for your reply. You are correct I don't want to break up with him. Your advise is exactly what I would give to myself. I guess it's easy to tell people than to actually do it. It's not what I want from a relationship, you are correct. I have been seconding guessing myself, and it feels horrible.

    Thank you for listening.
    hugs to you smiley. Its tough to break up with someone. Fear of the future mixed in with actually liking, loving, and wanting the person makes it so hard.

    I know I've stayed with guys because, well it was good enough for now or no one else is around. what does it hurt?

    The thing is, he's not going to all of a sudden become a great man that you're proud of. And time ticks by... eventually you dont respect him, you don't love him, and you're annoyed with yourself because he aint all that. look at all you gave, overlooking his flaws.... he didn't deserve it.

    Or.... you find out he's been using you as a placeholder until she's free. Then you'll really be mad at yourself.

    I was with a guy that was not compatible with me at all. And it ended. as it should have. but by him.

    I'll never forget a close friend that knew I had doubts about him.... said, gosh... i wish you would have broke up with him first. he didn't deserve to be the one to end it.

    That stuck with me. He was never in my league. just like this guy isn't in yours.

    It is stupid and petty in some ways but in some ways not. know what you deserve and don't let people with low morals and values ride on your coattails.

  9. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How did you find out about the affair? Why did it recently come to light? You already know he is very good at lying, cheating and charming women, so no nagging won't help
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-03-2020 at 05:20 AM.

  10. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SmileyInLove
    Itís been a month and he hasnít said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasnít told her yet, heís trying to find the words as he doesnít like upsetting people.
    That's a bunch of B.S.

    The truth is, he doesn't care whether you are upset or not. He didn't care that his wife would be upset. I'm sure he won't even care if his affair partner gets upset.

    He simply wants to do whatever he wants to do, and he's playing you and everyone else so that he can get what he wants.

    He lost his marriage over this woman and he hasn't learned to stop talking to her. That is not remorse.

    I don't think you have much choice other than breaking things off with him. You can do a lot better than this.

  11. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So for almost 1.5 years you didn't know about her and she still doesn't know about you? That sounds like what he is used to doing. Guard your heart now that you know the truth.

  12. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SmileyInLove
    That was the bit that upset me the most Honeycomb8, that her feelings seem to be more important than mine.
    I know this is how it feels, but I'd try to think about it differently.

    Best I can seeóand this is me being generous hereóis that he doesn't consider the feelings of others at the same frequency he considers his own feelings. Let's say this was a much less incendiary topic, like him leaving the toilet seat up in the bathroom or food-encrusted dishes in the sink. You tell him how those things land with you, and how you'd appreciate it if he'd put the seat down, put the dish in the dishwasher. He nods. But he does neither. Result? Similar sensations: you feeling frustrated, unheard, unseen, not taken into sincere consideration.

    Another thing that stood out to me was you mentioning that his son is his "priority." I may be wrong, but the impression I got is that you're saying that to try to justify or rationalize feeling like less of a priority. Doesn't have to feel like that. Speaking for myself? My girlfriend has a child, and of course her child is her "number one priority" in ways that I am not. She doesn't need to keep me alive, raise me, guide me into being a human being, all of which requires a heroic level of emotional energy. But I don't feel in the dark, or questioning her emotional, romantic, adult-to-adult commitment to me. The two priorities co-exist, on different planes. If I had the sense that being a mom and and being a partner were "too much" for herówell, I wouldn't be with her.

    Understanding you don't want to end this, but neither do you want to sit around on eggshells or letting resentment fester, I say you talk to him one more time. Not nagging, but just talking, or maybe an email, something you send for yourself as much as to foster change, so if you bow out of this you do so knowing you were your truest self. Something simple, honest, and clear, along the lines of: Hey, this is the last thing I want to have to bring up, because it's not who I want to be in a relationship. But I'm concerned. I don't want to tell you what to do or how to live your life, but neither can I see myself continuing to live mine with and alongside you if you're in daily contact with this friend and unwilling to tell her that you're in a relationship with me. Whatever your reasons, it puts me in a place that I can't be put in, where my feelings are not considered. It weakens the thing I deeply care aboutóour growing bondóand limits it from evolving in the way I need to feel secure and excited.

    Or some such.

    That said, I'd first have a conversation with yourself, where you decide if that's even a path you want to walk down, or walk further downóif that is you at your truest. Along with others, it doesn't sit well with me, as you've reached this point not because he has more "feeling" for this woman than you, but because his vision doesn't extend far past his own nose. That's a character trait that will surface, and surface.

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