My partners fidelity when he was married...

[Wiseman2]

You've invested time, energy and emotion into this and have gotten comfortable so it's understandable that you are a bit in denial about what the ramifications may be.

 

However I disagree with this mindset. It's the mindset of candy-coating and unfortunately being set up as a doormat.

People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So I’m not judging him..

[catfeeder]

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with a past lover, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

 

I wouldn't accept the onus being on me to change someone else's behavior or relationships. Either I'm in or I'm out. I'd only be in with behavior consistent with the kind of relationship that I want to have. Anything inconsistent with that is not for me to 'fix' or demand fixing, but rather, it's my signal that this person isn't capable of offering me what I want and deserve.

 

So I'd tell BF that I adore him, but I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to keep his woman friend or not--that's for him to decide, but I won't compete with her. If he ever decides that he's completely free and clear of her forever and wants to pursue a committed and trusting relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

Problem solved, for me. I've left the door open to his potential change of mind, but unless that's voluntarily the case, I've liberated myself from the situation and I'm free to pursue the kind of person who will give me what I want from a relationship. Contact with a past lover is NOT that.

 

Head high.

[abitbroken]

You've invested time, energy and emotion into this and have gotten comfortable so it's understandable that you are a bit in denial about what the ramifications may be.

 

However I disagree with this mindset. It's the mindset of candy-coating and unfortunately being set up as a doormat.

 

People who are unhappy and stressed show you who they really are. People who are unhappy and stressed change what they are doing, seek counseling, exercise, etc --- they don't cheat.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure it's easier to label his cheating as a mistake, rather than facing the fact that cheating is a choice, a conscious choice. Also, if he had the time to cheat, he had the time to think about it.

 

After demonstrating what he's all about, I feel he'll go on to find better ways to cover his tracks. Are you up for rolling the dice on this?

[irka000]

I am extremely sorry you are going through this.

By now, if she is just an ordinary friend that had a past with your bf, than he should introduce you two. Even if it is through video call etc.

If he doesn't, than there is a reason for it....and not a good one.

If he was remorseful and suffered from the past, she would made him sick ...she would loose all the shine as soon as he would be caught...or during the divorce process.

I wish I have more encouraging words

[Spawn]

He hasnt cut the emotional chord with her yet.

Unfortunately its too strong than the one he has with you.

On the other hand he also doesnt give you a sense of security when you tell him about it by cutting the contact either.

Does not give a feeling of a mature individual

Tough roads ahead

afraid to say you are going to get hurt cause he is not serious about the relationship.

[lostandhurt]

So your second sentence was justifying his cheating on his wife. "people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed"

 

For the record most people do not cheat on their spouse or s/o when they are unhappy or stressed, but he did.

 

How long before he is unhappy or stressed? Since he has kept his side chick around he obviously isn't that embarrassed or sorry is he?

 

If he was that remorseful wouldn't he try his best to put that "mistake" behind him totally? BTW cheating is a choice not a mistake.

 

You seem to be okay with cheating and can see how it can happen, unfortunately there is very good chance he will eventually do the same thing to you...

 

Lost

[Fudgie]

The real issue here isn't that he cheated in the past. The main issues I see here are:

 

1.) He's not owning up to his cheating in the past. Instead of saying "I screwed up and this reflects badly on me and I need to change as a person to become better so I don't this again in the future", he's justifying it with talk of "well, I was unhappy". No ownership at all, no change, it means he is likely to do it again in the future, either to you or another woman.

 

2.) He hide the affair from you for a while. 1.5 years and you didn't know that him cheating led to his marriage breaking up? Yikes. That's not something you "forget" to mention. He clearly kept it from you.

 

3.) He's still in contact with his affair partner and talks to her often. This is disrespectful to you and her husband. Yes they are getting divorced NOW but he was likely still talking to her before that choice was made.

 

All of these issues point to someone who is not a suitable long term monogamous partner.