Jump to content

My partners fidelity when he was married...


Recommended Posts

I’ve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So I’m not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with he’s still in constant contact, they text everyday.

 

When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that he’s met someone and they can’t communicate anymore (I don’t want him to go completely cold on her but explain what’s going on).

 

It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasn’t told her yet, he’s trying to find the words as he doesn’t like upsetting people.

 

I don’t know how I should feel. I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him as he’s still holding onto the past. I’m really don’t know if I’m even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didn’t cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. It’s been 4 years since the affair and I know she’s going through her divorce now. I’ve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday.

 

I would love to hear some advice on the matter.

 

Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear that. Trust your judgement. He is still with her. He is supporting her though her divorce, so they will both be free and single soon.

 

Guard your heart and soul. Keep in mind he destroyed a marriage for her, and now after dating 1.5 yrs he is still doing the same thing. How is your relationship overall?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Putting the specifics aside for a moment, how do you feel about him and the relationship 1.5 years in? Before all this came to light, were you feeling confident, light, all that? Did you trust his character, or have questions about it? Did you trust his commitment to you, or did you question it? Curious to hear some answers there for context.

 

As for the specifics? What I'd find most unnerving, in your shoes, is that he's not really listening to you, your feelings, your needs for security. Whether that's because he's got some issues letting go of the past, some issues with being scared to ruffle feathers, or some issues handling adult matters with grace and maturity—well, all that would be a rub for me.

 

Curious: Prior to this discovery, were you aware that they communicated daily?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He most definitely still has feelings for her, otherwise he wouldn't keep her so close. I mean, he was willing to destroy his marriage for her and now a days, he's willing to place her feelings above yours. So you can see who comes first here.

 

He's demonstrating that he hasn't learnt anything about boundaries with other women that are not his partner and to respect his partners feelings when it comes to other women.

 

He may not be cheating with her, per se, but he is having very similar behaviors. That just goes to prove that he has learnt nothing and still has the ability to cheat and remain close to women he should not.

 

If nothing else, this is a huge red flag. And I think you need to decide if you're willing to invest in a cheater, because I would put money on the fact that you're going to be treated the same if not worse concerning him and other women.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Batya33, I feel upset that he has ignored my feelings. I know the divorce took a lot out of him emotionally. I just don’t understand if you want to move forward you need to let the past go including the other woman. I don’t want to nag or give him a choice but I feel like he’s just going to sweep it under the carpet and I really don’t want to keep bringing it up or thinking about her. He has a knack telling people what they want to here and I feel like he’s doing that to me. I truly love him so I’m finding this all very hard to deal with. Thank you for listening.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi bluecastle... yes he has a few female friends that he communicates regularly. I’m not a jealous person and he has the right to talk / message friends. Understandably he lost a lot of friends through the divorce / affair. But yes I knew they were chatting and that’s how I know she’s going through her divorce now, but only found out recently he had an affair with her. In light of this information it doesn’t sit well with me, but I wasn’t sure if my feelings on the matter we’re justified considering the affair wasn’t against me.

 

Because of his divorce and that he has a young son, I’ve been taking the relationship slow. Things are good, I’ve meet the son, we hang out like a family. I visit his parents place all the time. But he does dismiss my feelings and that makes me sad. I know his son is his priority and I know his ex plays a big role but I do not believe the woman he had an affair should priority before me.

 

Thank you for listening. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I haven’t told my friends or family about his affair as I don’t want them to judge him.

 

Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your partner shouldn't dismiss your feelings nor should he be talking to her considering they had a past affair. This really isn't you being sensitive at all, it seems he's still being as selfish as ever.

 

 

Affairs and cheating aren't "oopsy" mistakes, they're deliberate actions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That was the bit that upset me the most Honeycomb8, that her feelings seem to be more important than mine. I know she's going through a horrible divorce. But still, he's had over a month to think about what to say. I feel like this is just going to be swept under the carpet, unless I keep nagging to him about it. I don't think I should have to do that nor do I want to be nagging.

 

Thanks you for listening.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a tough spot because I presume you don't want to break up with the guy.

 

But I think you are right to want him to stop communicating, even dating her secretly.

 

He is wrong here and not a good partner. obviously. he cheated on his wife. He's stringing you along at arms length. Your needs are behind his son, (right or wrong. not my point), behind the ex wife as the mother of his small child, and now behind the feelings of another woman.

 

Is this really what you want out of a relationship?

 

You haven't told your family or friends, because you don't want them to judge him. ok. I can see that. But isn't there also a twinge of knowing they will disapprove of his treatment of you?

 

you're willing to allow yourself to be treated this way, but you don't want anyone to know. Why? because you know he is wrong. you're short changing yourself and he is not the great guy you present to them.

 

I'd really think about the chatacter of the man you want to be with. The thing about morals, character, integrity etc... they don't come and go to the people that have them. Its pretty consistent.

 

I wouldn't break up with him for cheatting on his ex wife. I'd break up with him because this situation is not a healthy, happy, good one. And the energy put into 2nd guessing yourself could be better spent.

 

And don't kid yourself that you don't want to be a nag.... nag him and he'll just start lying that he doesn't talk to her.

 

reclaim your self respect and get out now.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank Lambert for your reply. You are correct I don't want to break up with him. Your advise is exactly what I would give to myself. I guess it's easy to tell people than to actually do it. It's not what I want from a relationship, you are correct. I have been seconding guessing myself, and it feels horrible.

 

Thank you for listening.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank Lambert for your reply. You are correct I don't want to break up with him. Your advise is exactly what I would give to myself. I guess it's easy to tell people than to actually do it. It's not what I want from a relationship, you are correct. I have been seconding guessing myself, and it feels horrible.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

hugs to you smiley. Its tough to break up with someone. Fear of the future mixed in with actually liking, loving, and wanting the person makes it so hard.

 

I know I've stayed with guys because, well it was good enough for now or no one else is around. what does it hurt?

 

The thing is, he's not going to all of a sudden become a great man that you're proud of. And time ticks by... eventually you dont respect him, you don't love him, and you're annoyed with yourself because he aint all that. look at all you gave, overlooking his flaws.... he didn't deserve it.

 

Or.... you find out he's been using you as a placeholder until she's free. Then you'll really be mad at yourself.

 

I was with a guy that was not compatible with me at all. And it ended. as it should have. but by him.

 

I'll never forget a close friend that knew I had doubts about him.... said, gosh... i wish you would have broke up with him first. he didn't deserve to be the one to end it.

 

That stuck with me. He was never in my league. just like this guy isn't in yours.

 

It is stupid and petty in some ways but in some ways not. know what you deserve and don't let people with low morals and values ride on your coattails.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How did you find out about the affair? Why did it recently come to light? You already know he is very good at lying, cheating and charming women, so no nagging won't help

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasn’t told her yet, he’s trying to find the words as he doesn’t like upsetting people.

 

That's a bunch of B.S.

 

The truth is, he doesn't care whether you are upset or not. He didn't care that his wife would be upset. I'm sure he won't even care if his affair partner gets upset.

 

He simply wants to do whatever he wants to do, and he's playing you and everyone else so that he can get what he wants.

 

He lost his marriage over this woman and he hasn't learned to stop talking to her. That is not remorse.

 

I don't think you have much choice other than breaking things off with him. You can do a lot better than this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
That was the bit that upset me the most Honeycomb8, that her feelings seem to be more important than mine.

 

I know this is how it feels, but I'd try to think about it differently.

 

Best I can see—and this is me being generous here—is that he doesn't consider the feelings of others at the same frequency he considers his own feelings. Let's say this was a much less incendiary topic, like him leaving the toilet seat up in the bathroom or food-encrusted dishes in the sink. You tell him how those things land with you, and how you'd appreciate it if he'd put the seat down, put the dish in the dishwasher. He nods. But he does neither. Result? Similar sensations: you feeling frustrated, unheard, unseen, not taken into sincere consideration.

 

Another thing that stood out to me was you mentioning that his son is his "priority." I may be wrong, but the impression I got is that you're saying that to try to justify or rationalize feeling like less of a priority. Doesn't have to feel like that. Speaking for myself? My girlfriend has a child, and of course her child is her "number one priority" in ways that I am not. She doesn't need to keep me alive, raise me, guide me into being a human being, all of which requires a heroic level of emotional energy. But I don't feel in the dark, or questioning her emotional, romantic, adult-to-adult commitment to me. The two priorities co-exist, on different planes. If I had the sense that being a mom and and being a partner were "too much" for her—well, I wouldn't be with her.

 

Understanding you don't want to end this, but neither do you want to sit around on eggshells or letting resentment fester, I say you talk to him one more time. Not nagging, but just talking, or maybe an email, something you send for yourself as much as to foster change, so if you bow out of this you do so knowing you were your truest self. Something simple, honest, and clear, along the lines of: Hey, this is the last thing I want to have to bring up, because it's not who I want to be in a relationship. But I'm concerned. I don't want to tell you what to do or how to live your life, but neither can I see myself continuing to live mine with and alongside you if you're in daily contact with this friend and unwilling to tell her that you're in a relationship with me. Whatever your reasons, it puts me in a place that I can't be put in, where my feelings are not considered. It weakens the thing I deeply care about—our growing bond—and limits it from evolving in the way I need to feel secure and excited.

 

Or some such.

 

That said, I'd first have a conversation with yourself, where you decide if that's even a path you want to walk down, or walk further down—if that is you at your truest. Along with others, it doesn't sit well with me, as you've reached this point not because he has more "feeling" for this woman than you, but because his vision doesn't extend far past his own nose. That's a character trait that will surface, and surface.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He is still in contact with his affair partner and has done so BEHIND your back for 1.5 year. Plus, this is a guy who CHOSE to cheat when things got tough in his marriage. These are the things he IS capable of. Imo, whether he will treat you any better if things get tough is HIGHLY questionable. After all, so far it doesn't sound he has faced any real consequences because of his cheating behaviour.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This doesn't look so good for you.

 

Do you mind me asking what qualities you like in him as a person? Is this a long term relationship or someone you see yourself with for a long time? Were you perhaps in a different place 1.5 years ago than where you are now?

 

He wasn't honest with you about the breakdown of his marriage and what caused it. That's the number one concern - not his daily communications with this person. It's the fact that he appears dishonest and disillusioned about how to build sincere relationships. It could have been anything - another woman as in this case, a child you don't know about, a gambling problem, a substance abuse issue and the list goes on and on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I’ve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So I’m not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with he’s still in constant contact, they text everyday.

 

When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that he’s met someone and they can’t communicate anymore (I don’t want him to go completely cold on her but explain what’s going on).

 

It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasn’t told her yet, he’s trying to find the words as he doesn’t like upsetting people.

 

I don’t know how I should feel. I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him as he’s still holding onto the past. I’m really don’t know if I’m even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didn’t cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. It’s been 4 years since the affair and I know she’s going through her divorce now. I’ve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday.

 

I would love to hear some advice on the matter.

 

Thanks.

 

Oh boy. So as soon as the affair partner is finished with the divorce, one of two things will happen

1) they will run into eachother's arms. You are merely a placeholder

2) They will lose interest in eachother. It was only interesting when it was illicit. But then someone else may catch his eye.

 

Honestly, I would break up over this. I would not ask him to change. "i want to be in a relationship where my boyfriend is faithful and doesn't feel the need to keep women he slept with in his life. So therefore, I am going to find someone like that. bye". Its about your boundaries and self worth -- not about him. My ex communicated with someone throughout our dating and marriage until she got married. He stopped talking to her because he was not invited to the wedding and he didn't understand why. I was too dumb - they really were NOT physically seeing eachother at all due to schedules and distance so he always cajoled me into why this was okay.

 

There are good men out there wondering why they can't find someone decent to date. Do not waste your time any more

Link to post
Share on other sites
I hate to say it sounds like he is still with her or he would have let her go when you had an issue with it.

 

I disagree. He would have let her go when he was emotionally ready to find a girlfriend and then looked for one rather than waiting until someone had a problem with it. He did not, so here we are

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...