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Thread: No idea what to do

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Tour the rest of the island and stay out of the tourist traps and bars. When you get back make an appoint with a marital therapist.
    Originally Posted by turnerik
    I want us to decide to do things together. I have no idea what to do, we have 5 days left, but I donít want to honeymoon with a sad puppy that just follows me around.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Inspired by maew, I took a stroll through your past posts and, yes, it seems this moment is not out of the blue but very much in line with the dynamic you two have created together.

    I can't help but feel that you've spent a good portion of this relationship feeling that you need to "work" on your insecurities while being with someone who has given you many reasons, including last night, to feel insecure.

    I'm typically very reserved when it comes to sounding big alarm bells, but when I read this first post and came across the part where she said she hates herself, and is awful and defective, my first thought was: because she has, in some way, cheated on you and is struggling to live with that in the context of a marriage and honeymoon. Reading your past postsóabout her crying about a male friend, drinking with men at 4amóit's really hard not wonder if this is partly what's behind the outburst.

    That infidelity, mind you, might not be a conventional affair, or even what we conventionally think of as an emotional affair, but something more along the lines of "cheating" on you by cheating on herselfóbeing dishonest about certain feelings and concerns, trying to resolve them in ways that are destructive and leading to the kind of self-loathing you're describing.

    Bottom line? She needs help and, it seems, your relationship needs help. You just got married. This is not the time to pretend everything is perfect by "controlling" the rest of the Hawaiian vacation, but to take what yourselves, what you have, and each other, very seriously.
    Bingo. My very first thought? That girl cheated or is cheating and is feeling so much guilt and shame now that she is married that it is quite literally driving her insane.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I knew someone who had dated a girl and everything was fine (sorta) I only met him on a dating site. But he said she did a complete 180 the min. they got married. To being jealous on their wedding day...to not wanting to go to the beach on their honeymoon cuz he might look at other women in swimsuits. He Divorced her within months!

    You know what I think about people going off the deep end!!!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hate to say it, but suddenly her sideways pressure about him (a) having a bachelor party with (b) an emphasis on how she'd be okay with strippers makes a little more sense.

    A + B = less guilt for her for moving forward.

    Marriage - A - B = honeymoon implosion.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    When you get back to the mainland, seek professional help such as a marriage counselor / therapist or psychologist. Sort things out for more clarity.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    I'm sorry this is happening. Hawaii is such a beautiful place (my avatar photo was taken on Waikiki Beach!) and it's a shame you are dealing with this while trying to have a good trip.

    Have you asked her why she thinks she's a terrible person? I'm leaning toward what others have said -- that she's done something (even if it's not physical cheating) that she's really ashamed of, and it's triggering some sort of breakdown, hence her repeated refrain that she's messing everything up/ruining everything, etc. If it's NOT that, she might be having some sort of legitimate mental health crisis that needs attention. Either way, I think it's important that as soon as you arrive home, you schedule marital counseling, and she could probably use some individual counseling as well. That way, you can work together to see if you can save your marriage.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm more of a Big Island woman. Not much into the Honolulu scene as it reminds me of LA and Vancouver. If you like more country, you're on the wrong island (try exploring the others another time). The $20 cover seems standard so I'm not sure why stifle the mood since you're already there. It could have also been the straw that broke the camel's back if you've been arguing about money since the start of this year (re: your previous posts/thread). Tensions are already a bit high.

    I'm sorry you're going through all this but I think the writing was on the wall a long time ago. There were troubles before you got married and she seems both forceful/opinionated and very emotional (I'm referring to the whole strippers/bachelor party problem and her opinions). I'd try and make the most of the trip as it is now and go back to your reasons for marrying each other or being together in the first place. Try and make amends where possible. You shouldn't be placating her or walking on eggshells though. Remain authentically you without being purposefully antagonistic or argumentative. Next time there's a cover charge of $20 I don't think it's wise to make a big deal about it.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but she needs to get off the pot, and take responsibly here. She admit she has a problem?? She needs to own it and get to a therapist.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    It sounds like she's off her meds.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Yup she needs to see her doctor. Something is amiss whether it's her cheating in the past or something else. Therapy may be needed for her to sort herself out.

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