Deejmonster

Happy new year everyone! Just another update, thought the last one would be my last... The wife and I sent out Christmas cards (a little late this year) and a few of them were addressed to relatives or family friends that are still in contact with my parents. I didn't get them out in time for Christmas, but assumed that they would be shipped on 12/26. On Friday (12/29) I got an unsolicited and very unexpected call from my mom. I didn't answer as I was in the dentist office. She left me a voicemail. Then sent me a text, then sent me an email, then proceeded to call, leave a voicemail and text my wife in about a 5-min span. Wife didn't answer her either. At first, I thought that maybe something had happened to my dad, but chose not to respond. I played the voicemail and could hear from her tone of voice that she wasn't happy about something, but didn't indicate about what. My wife and I spoke about it and I told her that I didn't feel the need to call her back as I have asked to be left alone and I do not wish to communicate with them anymore. My wife was concerned that maybe something happened in the family and that is when I remembered that Christmas cards probably got delivered and she didn't get one. She is likely angry that I still choose to communicate with neighbors and friends outside of the immediate family and likely would prefer that I stop. (Just my guess). She chose to be non-descript as a way to lure me out in the case that I thought that something terrible happened but really she just needed a punching bag for "sending Christmas cards" Like WTH...

Hello all, My wife and I have been in discussions about create a will for the each of us as we now have a few assets and a child that we need to make sure are properly taken care of in the awful event of an unpredicted demise of either one of us or the both of us. We have already spoken to family about who would take custody of our daughter in the event that we both passed and we have some basic assets that we need to allocate in the event of our passing. We opted to use an online service to create a general will for the both of us but are struggling to get witness's and a notary all in one place to finalize the wills. We were originally against hiring a lawyer for this process as we don't want to take time off of work or pay for it, but we are entertaining the idea, unfortunately. My question is, have any of you used a lawyer for a will? and if so, was it a relatively quick process? If you don't mind me asking, what is the going rate to get a will created? and how did you go about finding a lawyer to create said wills. Any information would be helpful!

I would run. Take the time to heal and move on while he is away. He sounds very possessive and insecure about the situation and calling a SO 100 times shows the lack of boundaries. A logical person doesn't land on suicide or cheating as the reason why you aren't answering your phone. I would break it off and move on.

Sorry this happened to you. I think you were totally right to distance yourself from him after he acted disrespectful to you about the money and I think you were right to ask for the money to be repaid. Sounds like he has some personal issues that he isn't disclosing and is lashing out at you as a way to make him feel better. 14 years is a long time and maybe some time and distance will heal the wounds to a point where the both of you can settle this in the future and continue on as friends. Doesn't look good for him though. There was no reason for him to say those things. Money does crazy things to people unfortunately.

I seriously think that you are looking at this through rose colored glasses. If everything in your relationship was perfect and she had no faults, you wouldn't be in this situation. She has admitted to lying and doing drugs behind your back. I think you need to at least admit that the relationship does have its faults and that maybe you are subconsciously overlooking it. From what I can gather, it looks as though she is comfortable with experimenting with recreational narcotics but knows that this is something that you are against, so she chooses to either hide this from you or opts to not partake as to not upset you (which is also a red flag). How old are the both of you? Just in the way you are informing us on the situation, I think you are overlooking some things that might show that the two of you are not compatible. I am going to go out on a limb and say that it appears as though you may be more emotionally invested that she is and I wouldn't be surprised if her attitude quickly changes after this. She is likely going to tell you that she feels pressured by you to act a certain way and that she feels like you are going to judge her decisions moving forward. I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship starts to spiral. (This may be out of bonds and my unsolicited opinion talking) but I have seen this and been in situations like this before.

Your man has some personal issues that are obvious. You don't buy something for someone in order to have them "humble brag" to everyone. He is using material items to elevate his status as a way to feel better about himself. I would never buy something for someone for that reason, its vain. Sounds like the emotional trauma that he went through growing up has given him a warped sense of self worth and he feels like people should love you and respect you for your money and status versus who you actually are as a person. I think you need to evaluate what he brings to the table beyond money. It sounds like he has some deep seeded issues that are manifesting in other behaviors that are not going to solve themselves and will ultimately damage your relationship with him. You two are on different pages in life.

I think that the fact that you live together does complicate some things but you need to be honest with yourself and her about whether you are willing to put up with this type of behavior. I understand your stance on drugs. That is a line that you are not willing to cross and that is ok. Her behavior suggests to me that this isn't the first time that she may have done it behind your back, but rather it's the first time that she got caught. One does not simply start doing cocaine at a party unless they are familiar with it and have done it in the past. You just need to figure out if you really think you two can come back from this and whether you can trust her again, or whether you are going to stick to your values and cut ties with her. From my perspective, drugs are a no-no in relationships. She already admitted to using weed in the past while you were together and now you caught her with cocaine. She will likely continue to slip up in the future if you stick around.

I think that this warrants a serious conversation between the two of you. Maybe ask him why he has a drop dead date in mind for wanting to have children? Like why the pressure? My wife and I were in our early 30's before we had our daughter, and when I was younger, I thought I was ready, but I am so happy that I waited. The additional years allowed me to mature, advance my career, and lay the path to parenthood. I look back and have no regrets in waiting. Unfortunately this is the type of discussion that can either cement a relationship or tear it apart, and it is worth having. To me, I would never put a "date" on having children. It is more that I need to be emotionally, financially and mentally ready to take on that role. If both partners are not on the same page, then it isn't the right time. Maybe it is just a goal of his, but if it is really a loving relationship, he should see your side of things. I think you two need to talk it out to see just how serious it is. Like I said, putting an expiration date on starting a family is kind of a red flag if you both aren't on the same page.

Do you have a local arcade near you? My wife and I love to play skeeball together. Can't explain why, but it has always been a fun little date that we try and do from time to time. Axe throwing is fun. Its been some time since I last tried it. Escape rooms are also fun, but I would encourage bringing some others as it is a little easier that way.

She doesn't appear interested in your romantic advances. Ever hear the saying don't sh*t where you eat? It's a motto that I always follow and one that she seems to be trying to follow was well. She may find the banter fun and all but is definitely hesitant on allowing it to proceed because she doesn't want to put her job in danger. It appears that the rumor mill has already started at your place of employment and she is doing what she can to distance herself from it. Workplaces often have policies against fraternizing with other employees and can be against company policy. What you are seeing is her attempt to distance herself from you at work so that she doesn't cross a line at work. The type of behavior that you are exhibiting towards her, whether you mean to or not could be looked upon as sexual harassment and could end up costing you your job. I would cool your heels on this before someone takes their concerns to HR or management and files a complaint.

As someone who has met many people during the online dating stage of my life, I completely understand wanting to know the authenticity of someone before seeking an arrangement with them. How long have your two been talking? Have you exchanged numbers? Sometimes a simple phone call can set aside some of the anxiety that comes with meeting someone in this format. I agree that a video call might be useful but sometimes people can get flaky with that. Is there something that is giving you pause for thought that makes you think this person might not be authentic/genuine? I would always normally agree to meet in a public place for the first "date" and if I wasn't sure of the person before meeting them (compatibility, genuineness, attraction), I would try and keep the first date limited to something like a coffee shop or something that doesn't involve alcohol or drinks.

Sounds to me like you are still processing the breakup and the feelings that come with it. That is totally normal and healthy. You also admit that you have abandonment issues (fear of being alone), this is also really healthy to at least be aware of what makes you "tick" and shows that you are aware of yourself. Having been through many many breakups of all shapes and sizes, they are never fun or easy to deal with and in time they normally get better. My opinion is that you should go no-contact in order to properly heal from this as continuing to speak with him will only complicate your feelings or may end up opening new wounds for you to feel later. I have been in your shoes before. It can be difficult to deal with and process but it will make you stronger in the end. I would focus on your hobbies/school/work to keep your mind off of him. Making new friends isn't always easy but friendships will develop when you least expect it. Based on what he told you, it sounds like its an emotional response to drive you away so he can figure himself out. While its not the healthiest, its also pretty common to see. Keep your head up and focus on yourself and I am sure that you will be alright in due time.

This honestly feels like a huge violation of privacy to me and somewhat controlling behavior IMO. They both are consenting adults and free to make their own personal decisions. I do not see how she has taken advantage of him in any way, and the amount of effort that was put in by her shows me that she may have genuine feelings for him. A lot of what you say about her is from your own opinion of who you think she is, and maybe you are right. However, maybe she isn't who you think she is and your brother was able to really get to know the true person that she is and they connected well because of it. Regardless, your brothers' relationship history is for himself. If he gets hurt or hurts "Mary" it is up to them to figure out and address. Sounds to me like he is coming out of his shell a little bit and is having fun exploring his feelings and desires. There is nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn't overtly say he is cheating, but I can see why you would be upset or concerned. This appears as though its friendly banter (a little flirtatious) in tone, but the fact that the two of you already had a discussion about it is a good start. Has he ever exhibited this type of behavior before? While I want to tell you not to worry about it, it doesn't look healthy in the sense of your relationship. I am married and I conduct myself very differently at work as I do not want to ever come off as "crossing a line" even if my intentions were innocent. If the behavior were to continue, I think you should have a more serious conversation about how it makes you feel and the impact that it could have on your relationship. He should know by now that it doesn't sit right with you and continuing to do it is disrespectful to your relationship. This easily could develop into an emotional affair, in my opinion.

Final (hopefully) update. Received a phone call from my brother this morning. I let it go to VM. He left a very nasty message stating that they received the letter and that they never wish to communicate with me or my family again. In the end, the truth finally came out that they hate my wife and think that she is a disgusting human being and they do not care who knows it. My wife has never done anything to them but we have suspected that they didn't like her for a long time, but had no evidence to support it as my mother would never cross the line in verbally saying it, until now. My wife picked up on it from when we were still dating. She had said that my mother had made comments to her in the past that didn't sit right with her and that it was almost like she (mom) wanted my wife to treat her and communicate with her like they were best friends and felt threatened when this didn't happen. They believe that she is puppeteering me through life, when in reality, my wife finally helped me to gain distance from them and truly see how they have treated me over the years. My wife respected my decision to leave and stated that she didn't want to get involved with the decision because it wasn't her place and that her opinion who likely have an effect on my decision. I totally respected that. I truly feel as though I should have done this a lot sooner and maybe should have listened to my wife's concerns about them earlier rather than just chalking it up to "family drama".

Just an update. My mother attempted to call me after 11:30pm on Saturday night and I ignored the phone call because it was late and to me it was pushing boundaries. I mailed my letter to her on Tuesday and expect that it will be delivered today or tomorrow at the latest. I got an email from her this afternoon stating that she has tried multiple times to get ahold of me to inform me that my grandfather suddenly passed away on Saturday. I haven't spoken to the man in over 20 years and really do not have any feelings about it. I didn't know him. To my knowledge, she hasn't spoken to him in about the same amount of time, and so I do not fully understand why she needs to inform me on two different occasions about it. I feel that it is an attempt for her to get me to reach out to her and I am not biting. This would be her father who passed away, the same parents that she cut out of her life many years ago.

We have no other family. She cut out her side entirely when my brother and I were really little. I always believed that they were terrible people because that is what we were lead to believe. I have never really met them so I don't have much to go off. On my dad's side, we were very close with his parents up until they passed, and he only had one brother who was also cut out of the family for trying to steal family inheritance/not believing my grandfather was truly his dad. My sister is also estranged. My siblings and I are all adopted. She has severe mental illness and I fully understand why it needed to happen as she was a danger to the family and sometimes herself. She has been through the system multiple times. She is adopted. I strongly believe that there is some deep seeded mental illness (high functioning though) but that is a line that I would never be able to cross with asking/suggesting her. See the pattern?... We don't really have family so it makes it easier in that sense. My wifes family is huge and very supportive. I think its threatening to my parents in a way.

A bit of background, I have struggled with my family unit for many years. College and being on my own has allowed me to separate myself from my family most of the time but I would still communicate with my mother pretty regularly via phone and would see them during the holidays. I live almost 6 hours away from them and have been away for 12 years. As an adult, I definitely noticed traits with my mother (mostly) that told me that we were not cut from the same cloth. We have different personalities, political views, goals, and stances on a lot of things, but I tried to just "bear with it" for the sake of family. I really noticed the trouble brewing about 5 years ago once I became engaged to my now wife. While my family never has come out and said anything negative about her, I can sense that there is some animosity there. We have never attempted to do anything that would hurt them and therefore there is no real reason to dislike her, but I digress. My family had a pretty big blow up about 3-4 months prior to my wedding. My mother didn't feel included in the planning process and although we invited her to come out for certain planning events, she always denied the requests for one reason or another. A fight erupted when I changed jobs and my mother disagreed with my career move, and felt that I was simply doing it for the money and that I was rushing into a new position. Words were said, and she threatened to not come to my wedding. (She ended up coming). She acted strangely the entire time, making thing weird for my wife and I but I figured that maybe she just needed time. Mom disagreed with my wife and I's honeymoon choice (Hawaii) and told us that we didn't deserve to go, and it was something that you should earn. We had saved for well over 2 years to prepare for the trip as to not put money on credit cards. Since 2019, my wife and I have had 3 miscarriages, one successful pregnancy to an amazing little girl who has changed my life, we have moved to a bigger home and my wife has started a new job. Since 2019, we have seen my family twice. Once as a stay over at their place, and we met half way across the state last year for them to finally meet their granddaughter. They have met their granddaughter once in almost 2 years. We have invited them out multiple times so that my niece (who lives with them) could see the beach, so they could see our new home which we are very proud of, and have tried to coordinate visits with them over a dozen times for major holidays and get togethers. My mother would always agree then at the last minute, sometimes 1-2 days prior, cancel on us. I have tried to talk to her about it as this has been a huge elephant in the room over the past 4 or so years but we never could get to a point to resolve it. My brother was my best man at my wedding and turned down the opportunity to be my daughters' god father. He has never met my daughter. I haven't really spoken to him as he will also not return my calls. About 3 weeks ago, my mom and I got into a very loud and drawn out argument over the phone. Emotions got the best of us and 4 years of mistakes and transgressions finally came out. Screaming, hollering, crying, you name it. Not once was she able to give me with a reason for why she has acted this way towards me and it seems like she hasn't let go of things that happened long ago. I asked why we were always denied access to the family, why she never allowed us to come out, etc., and it was always something about how it was my fault that we don't face time with my daughter and a bunch of excuses about things I supposedly said years ago. Even after hearing it all, I attempted to apologize and explain that I do not ever remember saying these things to her, and maybe she took things out of context or misunderstood something. She reminded me that none of it was her fault and that I should shoulder all of the blame. I don't know what I did wrong to begin with. I found out that my brother is married and has adopted my niece and they all live with my parents now. I found out a lot of secrets that were hidden from me that really don't matter as if I wouldn't be able to handle the information. I was told that I was a despicable person and fed excuses for everything that has happened. I reminded her that I do not recall saying a lot of the things that she was accusing me of and she BLEW UP on me in a way that I have never seen before, telling me that I was calling her an F'ing liar and hung up the phone. My brother called me for the first time in 4 years immediately after asking what happened because he could hear her on the other side of the home. I explained that we had a disagreement and obviously have a differing matter of opinions on things and that all I wanted to do was get to the bottom of the issues at hand. I told him that we have been denied access to seeing him and the rest of the family for well over 4 years and we don't understand why. He told me the truth. It wasn't that things may have come up or fell through that caused them to cancel, it was that my own mother "Didn't want my face in her house". He informed me that he only hears what she tells him, and he thinks that I'm an absolute *** bag and that he will always side with her. He informed me that his wife, whom I have never met, also considers me to be a *** bag. He admitted in the same breath that our own mother can't know that he is talking to me because she has a gag order on me in the house. He is 36 years old, married, and has an adopted niece and he allows her to control him like he is a child. My mother has raised him and I both to believe that she will always be smarter than us, will always be right, she has a better memory that we do and can remember conversations from years ago, and that we will never win against her. She will never admit when she is wrong and will do whatever it takes to pit someone against the other for her own personal gain. My wife told me once that when she first met my mother, she sat there and talked about all the accomplishments of my brother and sister and never once said anything about how great I was. She hates the state that I live in for no apparent reason, she believes I am not doing enough with my degree's and that my career will never be as good as my brothers. I will never be good enough for her. I decided to write a letter to both my mother and father yesterday explaining my feelings, the fact that I have tried for years to fix these issues but they will not allow it, and exposed her true feelings about me from my conversations with my brother that night. I told her that I despise who she has become and that I hate that she will never make me feel like an adult. I told her that I am ashamed that she has made no effort to meet her own grand daughter and that I would not bring my daughter into this mess. I really wanted it to work when this all started, but after some deep thought, I don't want to be a part of this toxic family. Even if we were able to reconcile, she wouldn't change and I would be walking on egg shells around her for the rest of my days. I will not put my family unit through this. Letter went in the mail this morning but I still have conflicting feelings about the whole thing, like I am making a mistake in telling them that I no longer want to be associated with them. A part of me thinks that family should stick together, but I cannot take the anxiety of dealing with this non-sense for the years to come. It isn't healthy and I have had enough. I will not bring my wife and child into this type of toxic situation. I expect her to call me once she receives the letter, and a part of me wants to pick up the phone. She called me the other night at 11:15pm knowing that I would likely be sleeping. I was awake and chose not to answer it as she needs to respect my boundaries. The letter was pretty final. There was no option to leave the door open, but I feel a sense of remorse/guilt now that it is in the mail. Could it be trauma response? I could go into so much more detail but for the sake of it, I think this gets my situation across. FYI, I am 35, married, I own a home and hold a masters degree and work in Project Management for a living. I have so much to be proud of with the life that I have built for myself.